CW:

Rahdian POV!!! um.... I think we're clear here? Woops!?!

And then Kikii just… pulls it down. Casually and without ceremony unfurls the scarf off my face. Instinctively I freeze up, muscles and body suddenly so stiff as a rush of fear twists and sours in my stomach while furious jolts of energy cascade through my muscles.

But after she folds it over her arm and eyes roll over my skin and roughly shoulder length hair, she pauses. And a little blooming of run warms her cheeks. “Oh… I… Hi.”

I don’t know what to do. She… the girl just went from jabbering about the food she wanted to bring to the quiet little backrow log she pulled me to sitting on to like… ‘helping me’ pull off my hood and scarf. Not like… like I mean to loosen this all so I could eat and my face is clean but…

Now she’s seen me. I was hoping to keep whomever I found busy thinking about other things and like… only giving them a view of a shrouded face! Not… not this clean and perfect view of my fucked up and ugly still scarred mess of–

“Sorry I just… that was rude of me.” She quickly blubbers. “You just… It looked tangled and it can get really hot even this close to the flame and…”

Oh.

She… I mean…

I guess the Storm was right. I really do look different with the healing magic they’ve taught me. Glancing into blurry frozen water and gemstones probably didn’t give me a great view of the changes their magic has gifted.

“It’s fine. You’re… It’s okay.” I say with such an obviously relieved sigh. “Just… Not used to other’s helping me take off my clothes.”

And her blush deepens, but… a smile quickly joins to give her such a pretty look. “Oh? Well I’d be more than happy to help you remove other layers you find… like…. Fuck.” And then she’s laughing. A rolling giggling punctuated with a few snorts.

I quirk a bemused eyebrow, a smirk cracking through the remaining throws of fear.

She waves a hand and lays the scarf across the top of the little back I’d laid by my feet, titters of mirth still rippling through her.. “Fuck. Sorry. Couldn’t keep a straight face. That was just… really silly. Sorry.”

A pulse of worry flitters through me. “I… Huh?”

“Tried to act like one of my moms when she flirts.” Kikii snickers. “She’s REALLY such a… I dunno. Not that I wouldn’t like… I mean, wow hi hallo you're really attractive so, of course, But trying to be like her right now is silly.”

My heart skips a few beats as the cold deepens a bit. “I… I mean you had me kinda enthralled there anyway. I can see why she’s like that.”

“That mom tends to enjoy finding Passing Flames, so…” She shrugs casually. “But I’m not sure I’m that… I dunno. I’m still figuring myself out.”

I can’t help but feel a strange hollow thrum just above my heart. Something that has nothing to do with the cold. “Ye.. yeah. I understand that. The strange place between what you were and what you're considering becoming.”

“Exactly! Fuck. I… it’s been hard to roll together the words for that feeling!” She plops down on the spot next to me. “So… like, what are you trying to become, Rahdian?”

“Um…” I rub the back of my neck and glance down at our feet. Compare her small, almost dainty, feet to my big clubbed things. “Not sure, honestly. Mostly just… I’m still waiting for things to change before really deciding all that.”

Let my body finish melting into the form the Storm promised me would come. Waiting and watching with a strange mix of worry and joy and… and such horrid desires to just… just rip the parts I hate away!

Would rather be a bloody mess than wrong in my own flesh.

“Yeah… This blizzard and the gemstone fuckery sucks. Kinda like… has made trading and planning such a mess.” She sighs.

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I can’t help but huff with her as I consider how that could have led her into asking more pointed and awkward questions if I’d been less careful.

“But that’s only recent nonsense. Just… kinda delays me deciding what I want to do with myself.” She waves a hand. “Picking out what I want to do with the next steps of my life.”

Oh if that doesn’t just… cause such a harmony to her words to flitter through my stomach.

“What were you thinking of doing or… or changing?”

Kikii looks down to fibble her fingers in winding patterns. “So… like… My moms will always adore the idea of me just… staying in our little traveling party. Continuing to trade and like… just keep walking the Paths with them.”

I… I could take her hand. Should take her hand. But…

“But… that’s not something you want?” I murmur.

She shakes her head. “I… It’s the safe option. Comfortable. But like… option two is to strike out with some other girls we’ve been traveling with recently and do our own thing. Walk different Paths and go to new places. Trading will easily handle any expenses and our mothers have already like… set aside a bundle of goods for us to use if we want. And we’d meet back up with everyone in like almost a year. But… I mean they’re wonderful, just… not sure I could stand an entire year traveling around with just them.”

I can’t help but turn a bit to hide a grimace as Yundre and Pips’ faces wash into my mind’s eye. Memories of… of all the things they showed me along the Paths. How each had embraced my oddity and… and loved me even. I think.

At least up until the end.

“That… yeah. You don’t really get to know people until you walk a thousand footsteps alone with them.” A pause, and then I repeat the Storm’s words without considering them as I feel the cold ache crack a bit. “And… You should Never make someone else the requirement for your own happiness.”

She turns to give me such an odd look. A thing that roils with… with such something that forces me to look away.

“I… I’m sorry.” I huff and reach up to rub absently at my chest bone and unwarmable cold beneath. “That was cruel and stupid of me to say. Just… I…”

I trail off. But after only a beat, Kikii’s hand finds mine. “I want to give you such a big hug, Rahdian.”

“Wh– what?” I stammer and turn back to see her face painted with such compassion.

“There is so much to unpack there.” She squeezes my hand a little tighter. “But… like… It’s not my place and I don’t want to push you but… Fuck. I think you could use that. At least?”

I’m frozen stiff. She… I mean… yeah they… they’re not a great source of like… relationship advice but… I… They could be onto something. Right? I mean everyone else has kinda fucked me over, and the more I relied on them the more it fucking hurt.

That stupid cold ache bitterly quivers and bites and gnaws and–

But… Being alone also hurts so fucking much.

I can barely give a nod, and the hug she wraps me in is… It’s wonderful. Warm and tight and… but soft and careful. Not wanting to over squeeze but also balanced with confidence.

Bubbling… bubbling… Amwella flares and presses so close yet so far away. I long to just… let mine spark and reach to jolt at hers with the question but… but I… I don’t want to…

“Oh!” Comes such a rich and warm voice. “So she did accept our invitation!”

We pull back but… Kikii remains close with such warm fingers still wrapped with mine.

“Almost missed her, but… Yup! She did! ” Kikii replies with a smile, then turns back to me. “Mom, this is Rahdian. Rahdian, this is one of my mums!”

She’s roughly Kikii’s build and weight, but where her daughter is still lean with the fire of youth the mother is set with the comfortable weight of a well nourished woman. Long braided pale hair with many little trinkets and eyes that glimmer greenish with a little gold. Skin dark and laden with little weaving designs and glittering sparkles.

And in her hands is a tray laden with steam loaves of bread hollowed out and filled with the promised warm stew.

“Wonderful to meet you.” She smiles warmly and approaches. “I’d stay and chat but I’ve got to deliver these before the cold sets in them.”

We both thank her, and the first bites send such a rush of warmth through me. The flavor, despite being really savory and rich, barely matters as a bit of the cold in me lessens. Leaving only that horrid ache at my core behind as we drain our mugs and settle to nibble on the remains of the bread.

“Thank you.” I murmur. “For… or sharing this with me and… and before. The hug was really nice.”

She leans over and bumps shoulders with me. Doesn’t pull away. Just… leans her head into me. “You’re very and much welcome.”

A longer silence stretches between us.

“You… um… So what are the other options?” I finally ask.

“Huh?” She hums without moving.

“For your future, that you were considering?” I explain, “Before I um… kinda fumbled the conversation?”

“Oh. Right.” Kikii murmurs and sits up, turns to give me a smile. “The other option is right here, at the Academy. One of my moms has a passing flame here that is… kinda like a spare mother to my sisters and me. She’s willing to apprentice me to her shop and teach me Gemcraft. Even help me study for the exams if I decide I want to try and get into the Academy itself!”

Through her fingertips, and radiating from her eyes I feel such a glimmer at these words.

“That’s the one you want the most, isn’t it?” I murmur.

She blushes and huffs, looks away. “I… Yeah.”

“Then why consider the other options?”

She shrugs and sort of sways back and forth bodily in thinking motions, and I return the finger squeezes she’s been gifting me.

“Well… practically speaking. The gemstone changes that the Sun Spoken caused kinda sent everything into a tizzy. The crystals don’t always work and… and only really the dust is reliable now.”

I don’t need to hide my wince. Even if this isn’t my fault I… I hate that someone like me might have fucked things over for this kind girl.

“But… honestly.” Kikii waves a hand, not even seeing my face as she looks off into the Star-ridden sky. “I’m just not sure I’d like to be away from my family for two years. I only really know this spare mom and… and she’s warned me that I might struggle to find friends here. That being a silly trader from the Paths will make a ton of women not want to treat me well.”

I can’t help but look around this expansive camp. See the bumbles and clusters of women chatting and giggling and just… existing together in such happiness. Feel such a ping of jealousy as I remember the people I left behind in my old life. Even amidst the bad memories I… I still miss them. My fellow Temple children and… and my own type of mother.

My Sangoma.

“That… Yeah. I know very little about this place but… yeah. Giving up family and close companions is… it could be the wrong choice. Being alone in pursuit of your dreams can be a really hard Path to walk.”

She smiles then, and takes such a deep and steadying breath. “Mhm. But… If I can do it. Even just learning the things my spare mom can teach me, I’ll be able to do basically whatever I want. Can walk the Paths just… selling Gemstone nonsense if I want. Will make more than enough coin to support myself and even my moms a bit when times are lean.”

The passion and dedication that flares in her is… it’s smoldering. So hard to ignore.

“But that doesn’t matter.” She giggles. “I’ve always like… I dunno. Arudia and her Gemstones are fascinating. All the possibilities and discoverings and… and even this blizzard feels like… I mean sure it’s scary as fuck but… I dunno. I FEEL like it’s important. Kinda like the pains a mother feels while giving birth. A sign that things may hurt now but… it’ll all be for the better.”

I’m about to agree with her, enthralled by her passion and furiously spot-on reading of the thrumming I feel in the ocean that surrounds us all. But then I spot the group of armed women entering the camp and moving to speak with Kikii’s mother.

Academy duenna.