CW:
Talk of transition things. Mention of how horrible it is for the fertile males. Um? pretty clean chappy.
“I… really am quite the terrible Hetaera.” I smirk at them while leaning against the open doorway. “What would my teacher think? Her favorite student missing a scheduled dinner and only finding her clients after they've already half settled in for the night?”
Despite a brief panic when Yrelia came to check on us, dinner kept warm and carefully concealed giggles at our obvious intimate activities, Rahdian was positively glowing when I left her. Babbling on happily with Yrelia about little nothings while I scrambled to get dressed and hopefully catch these two before they shut their door for the evening.
Lady Ophrit and Delphian look up from where they were sitting and cuddling in a big couch thing to me.
“Oh, she’d be scandalized for sure, would have to take you somewhere private to have a stern word.” Lady Ophrit grins from Delphian’s embrace without even a hint of reproach. “Perhaps even test your skills to make sure they aren’t lacking either.”
Her Beloved sighs and smiles at me. “We understand your time is quite precious, and Emarial’s awakening demanded immediate adjustments to your schedule.”
I carefully keep my Hetaera mask on, despite my earlier claim, and ask with a soft smile. “Would it be too much for me to… to fill you both in now? After you’ve already shed away the burdens of the day in favor of a lover’s affections?”
“Not at all.” Ophrit waves toward another soft chair that sits beside them.
Delphian nods her agreement, and I move to properly slump into it. Dropping my mask and sighing heavily.
They both wince at that.
“Worse.” I huff to their unspoken questions. “She responded worse than we expected.”
“How much so?” Delphian asks.
“She…” I nibble on my lip, glance down. “I honestly should have guessed at this, from how… Um…”
The Sangoma of the Lyttoral Temple personally called on her to help search for me. My Sangoma. I just… hoped her past stopping Sun Spoken from hurting monsters would make her see. Make her change...
Fuck. Wish so much I had… had told these two about me sooner. But… they’d already wanted this change too. Had reacted as if it was the most obvious thing in the world to demand. Especially after Veletross snatched up the group from the Fertility clinic. So I never told them. Was kinda glad that I got to keep my past a secret.
“Both your acceptance of my demands means all the Dream to me. Honestly, I was certain you might push back on the… the need to free them.” I admit. “Protect them from the breeding programs and such. Give them back their lives. I got used to that easy perspective in my friends.”
“Because it’s also quite a simple one.” Ophrit nods. “The Academy stopped putting serious work into studying Fertility Cultivation a century ago, and every time anyone truly tries to pick it up they are endlessly ignored. Or worse, were actively pushed out of the Academy.”
“And what they do to the men is… it’s horrid.” Delphian sighs. “It was easy to see how miserable many of them are, and how Arudia was just… letting the Doyans use them as tools to remain in power. And even if they might have believed they agreed. The very status of men in Arudia made their consent coercive.”
Glancing to them once again, I can barely hold back the moisture that’s gathered. “You’re both… really amazing. Have better words than me. And it helps. Helps me… um… Can I tell you something? About me? My past? Why I’m fighting so hard for this? Why… why Zin’s violation of my Dream’s, beyond my already shaky relationship with Aceso at the time, scared me so much?”
They both nod and murmur soft encouragements. Considering rising to pull me into their cuddle pile but... I gently signal with hand and eyes to let me get through this first.
“I um… So becoming a Sun Spoken was…” I take a deep breath, steady myself. Start over. Brace for the sting. “I’m like them. But the opposite. Was raised and lived in the Lyttoral Temple until Aceso changed me with the Amwella stored in her shard. And claimed me as Her Sun Spoken.”
A long pause passes as I struggle with the pain at comparing myself to monsters and parasites a bit. Refocus to see...
Delphian grins and whispers under her breath. “I knew it.”
I jerk, eyes wide. Stunned as any Hetaera mask I’d gathered up to shattering apart as I stammer. “You… Wh– what?”
Ophrit offers me a placating smile and hand motion requesting calm while turning to her beloved. Face... actually quite annoyed. Which is such an odd thing to see her aim at the woman she's never shown anything but affections for. “Dear, my favorite Hetaera just shared what is probably a quite traumatic part of her past… and you’re grinning like a fool girl whose just guessed the contents of a secret present. Mayhaps… adjust yourself a touch?”
Delphian shakes herself and smothers all expressions, even begins to actually see my undoubtedly befuddled state.
But by then I've already recovered enough to say. “You guessed? H– how?”
And how easy was it?
Old shifting eyes of her grandmother, Matron Veletross, snap cold fear through me as I remember her questions last we spoke next to the still sleeping Emarial.
She takes a breath, steadies herself more, and nods. “I'm so sorry. I just… All the pieces were there. Some of them horrible and tragic but… This was the only configuration that seems to match. But it didn't seem to change our plans so I didn't do anything but... but toy at the idea.”
I nod carefully, slowly forcing my face back into an expression of controlled worry while my heart thunders a bit. “Can you… Delphian I’ve been trying to keep this a secret. I don’t want people to know that… that I’m transgender. Where I grew up. You said yourself that our connections to the merchants and such in Arudia is tepid and brittle. This could ruin that. I… I need to make sure I’m not laying out clues for people like your grandmother to pick up. She’s already really curious as to why Zigdara is so very attached to me.”
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
Delphian sobers quickly at the mention of her family’s Matron. “Right. Of course. It mostly has to do with… well, with how Zin treated you. What he said to us before we met you. He didn’t tell us outright but… well, it all came together the moment you started demanding the freedom of the males in the care of the Academy. You see, his Academic Thesis was about the Odlock Gemstone itself. The entire reason he was softly exiled from the Academy was due to his revealing of some forbidden knowledge about the source of the gemstone needed to make an Arudian male fertile.”
I take that all in with a steady expression. Even if my gut twists painfully at the mention of that horrid Parasite. The wretched thing that thought to violate MY dreams and demand and control the direction MY life should–
“What knowledge?” I ask, letting the hissing spite fade while I focus on my two hosts.
“Well… That the gemstone has no transformative properties on the body.” She replies.
“I… What?” I tilt my head in confusion. “Then how would it make someone Fertile?”
She shrugs. “That was the mystery of it that he was always obsessing over, even after being forced out. If the gemstone didn’t actually change people’s bodies… How did it work? And is that why it was so very rare? It has been nearly three decades since the last one was used and longer still since anyone was allowed to examine one.”
“Okay… But how does that make my being Transgender a thing you guessed?”
“Because…” Lady Ophrit picks up for her beloved. “He wanted to find alternative methods to it. And he talked about you like the girl who would solve all of Arudia’s problems.” Then she raises her hands to make little quotes in the air. “With the proper guidance. Stupid boy. Too much admiration for the cruel Grandmother who thinks him a buffoon.”
I absently curl my legs up into the couch. Want so much to hug my knees but avoid doing so. Keep some semblance of poise and control as imaginings of Zin and his Grandmother speaking and… and him telling her all my secrets rolls through my mind like rotted mud.
“Okay. That’s not so bad.” I force out, focusing on the reality of now. “Pretty specific. Do… do you think there is any chance your Grandmother could find out?”
“Hmmm… Honestly? Ina?” Delphian murmurs softly. “I… Well first off, apologies. Again. For my rudeness before. You shared something so very personal and I responded like a tittering child. And your trust is something I treasure. So… my thanks for this. As well.”
I take a deep breath, then smile softly. “It’s fine, your apology is accepted, and you’re welcome. You’ve both been wonderful to us, even endlessly patient. And your reaction was more startling than anything. It’s kind of… Like I was worried you’d think less of me. Or less of our time together. But you don’t, and that’s really really comforting.”
“You’ll always be my favorite Hetaera, regardless of the passions you consider and perform. Your form and past will not change that.” Lady Ophrit smiles so kindly to me.
“Thank you.” I swallow, hard, wipe away at the bubbling moisture in my eyes. “But… but to my question? Do you think Veletross will guess at this?”
“I… Personally think she might.” Delphian nods carefully. “But I don’t think it should matter. I think you have a good chance of convincing a lot more people to support you if you just… told them all. Make your past and nature as a Transgender girl public.”
I go stiff. Cold terror bubbling up as she startles me for a second time tonight. “I… Wh– why?”
She waves a placating hand. “Like before, I’d never spread your secrets. I’m just… you’re not just quite possibly the only person who can commune with the Zeridii and discover how to gift more Arudian men fertility, you’re also Sun Spoken. Having the Weaver’s support and magic beyond fathomable reason to change you is… It’ll speak to your dedication and ability in helping solve this. And when you tell everyone how monstrous it is to live the life they’ve endured… well… you’ll win over many hearts. People have been assured by the Academy for centuries that the few men who they gift Fertility to are treated wonderfully. Like a Matron’s favored child, given all manner of luxury. But you disprove the very notion. Personal Dysphoria aside, the nature of the work is violating to anyone performing it.”
I nod carefully, a sign of… not agreement but understanding as I murmur shakily. “I just… You have all manner of good words for the why, and I trust you, but… my gut is twisting in all the worst ways. And that’s just from sharing this with you two. Treasured friends whom I had few doubts about your acceptance of me.”
“Strangers are different, and there will be those who won’t accept you.” Delphian nods. “Could call you a liar, or worse. They aren’t prevalent but there are many who support the budding rights of Arudian men under the concept that they’re still women, just taking on a different form. It’s vile and stupid but… it exists in enough women to be noticeable.”
With an unsteady sigh I glance down at my hands. “Exactly. And… Like… That’ll follow me along the Paths when we leave. Word will spread and… and my… Lyttoral will know. Probably before I even get back to try and help the ones there.”
“It might help soften things.” Ophrit offers. “Take some weight off your shoulders. It did for us.”
“Huh?” I glance up, confused.
“When this one all but demanded I let her take me as her Beloved Bound.” The older woman grins. “Tradition speaks to a woman and her future Bound talking to their family, getting permission from their Matron. But… it’s not law. And especially not for an Heiress. We could have gone to Veletross, told her instead of asking. But then my Beloved thought… Why not just do it? If we’re dedicated, what good does it do us to offer her the chance to sully our inevitable binding with cruel words?”
“It’s different for her, Beloved.” Delphian murmurs.
“Is it? Ina’s already changed and happy, this will let her go back on her terms and at her leisure.” Ophrit turns to smirk back at her. “And we both know how much even your Matron softened. Not enough to be admirable but… you are her favorite. And losing you hurt. I still think she’s a scrambled mess over you leaving with me.”
“Don’t remind me.” Delphian sighs, then looks at me. “If you had people back in Lyttoral who honestly cared for you, dearly hope you are safe, then… time and distance might be the softening of the shells word of your survival will crack.”
I look away again. Nibbling on my lip while considering… considering my Sangoma.
My mother in all things but birth.
The woman who raised me and taught me and guided me through the joys and pains of youth.
But... who also forced me into the life of an Odalisque. Worse even.
Never really gave me the words to explain my pain, or the space to express it safely.
And that look on her face the last time I saw her.
“Maybe.” I whisper, looking away to wipe at the tears before they can fall. “I… I know I’ll need to talk with her. My… the woman who raised me and manages the Temple. And her already knowing when I come back could make it easier. But… it could also be harder. I don’t know.”
“Of course.” Ophrit agrees. “And despite my Beloved’s idea and reasons… the choice is still yours to judge and consider. Don’t take this as… anything but her proposing a new path to go with the information you’ve given.”
“Fuck… We also need to discuss Emarial.” I huff and regather myself. “Because she does know about me. My past. And while I don’t think she’d tell Veletross… she is so fucking stupid. Your Grandmother could simply ask the right questions and read her like an open book when she stumbles over herself to try and lie.”
Delphian winces. “Ah. That… Could be a problem. But fortunately my Grandmother suspecting or knowing, and her telling others, are two separate things. In such a delicate time for her attempt to claim power in Arudia, this could damage her credibility if handled sloppily. Her outing you could ruin the reputation she’s trying to build as the sensible and safe Matron to trust if she has nothing but suspicions to support the claim."
That… calms me a bit. I still hate the idea of her knowing. Of her… seeing me as…
“Alright. Okay.” I nod past the bubbling anxiety. “So, how do we move forward? Emarial being awake and stirring with her own stupid ideas complicates things, but I’ve warned her to stay out of my way.”