Growing up in Arudia, bearing the subtle marks of alterations and adjustments to my skin and hair, anyone would be surprised to find out that I’ve never been fond of the Art of Cultivation. As the daughter of traveling midwives and healers, Cultivation became a sort of… rich woman’s fix all. While my family had to make due with simple herbs and ancient techniques to bring aid to the women at the edges and beyond Arudian borders.

But it wasn’t until I met Jevita that I came to hate it…. At least a little.

I adjust the basket in my arms and continue my walk. Steamed Helgra bundles, a loaf of Swea bread, bag of Liguie seeds, and a couple pounds of various half bruised and overripe things for Lule to chew on. The perfect meal to share with one of my lovers while I try to make sure she’s not giving into old addictions.

The sun kissed streets of Deledita have slowly grown more crowded in the past week as travelers begin their long treks back home from the big festival in Lyttoral. Gossip drifts and saturates the talk as I walk through the streets.

Tales of the alarm placing a pointed end to the city’s big celebration, of the rumor that a breeding male of the temple is missing, dead, or worse.

I sigh. This is going to make traveling and meeting strangers hard for Ina. We’ve been able to keep her from the worst of it, and Yrelia is amazing at steering gossip away during her trade negotiations, but... the poor girl wears her emotions plain as the mid-day sunshine. If the talk twists in that direction… Well… hopefully her euphoria or anger will balance out any guilt she might feel. Luckily she’s too shy to cause worry about her saying something that could catch unwanted attention.

The little garden rooftop we’d been allowed to use at our leisure sits above and at the back of the owner’s little restaurant. So as I climb the winding stairs the rising, albeit muted, sounds of late lunch chatter marinate the air.

Jevita is already there, sitting atop one of the clay tables, a leather bag resting beside her feet. She’s wearing simple clothes that show much of her wire thin frame. Dark shorts and a simple tunic top that hangs to only really cover her chest while leaving her back bare.

This also showcases the Cultivation Glyphs branded across her back, neck… and well basically everywhere. Even the brush of clothing causes her problems still…

She hears my ascent and shifts around, pauses before standing as she sees my basket. “Kque, I thought we were going to go find food together?”

I sigh and approach, “You shouldn’t sit on her tables. You could break them.”

She pauses, then slides down to the floor to sit as I lay the basket down. “Sorry.”

The silence stretches between us as I empty the basket across the clay table. When I finish Jevita peeks in to see the rest. “I can drop these down to Lule while you–”

“I’ve got it.” I assure her.

She purses her lips. I take up the basket, go over to the edge, and call down to Lule in Arudian. “Big child, come get your sweet treats!”

Lule peeks his head out of the little shed, hoots and trills up. I then carefully pull out the hard fruits, one at a time, and drop them down into his waiting beak. He has to drop a few to the floor to peck and poke at for them to break up, but I wait patiently. It takes longer than is necessary, longer than it's comfortable for Jevita to wait and possibly watch, and I’m still chewing on my thoughts as I drop the final pair of conjoined fist sized morsels.

I close the basket and call down, “That’s all big child, rest well now!”

He toots his thanks and pulls that long neck back from view.

I turn and head back to the harder of the pair. She has already brewed our ciderwine and set out plates and proportioned out our food between them. Neither of us have big tummies, and we will have leftovers to nibble on as the day progresses.

She sits stirring her drink with the wooden spice stick, glances up to me as I sit. “I didn’t expect we could find Helgra’s steamed this way here, where did you find it?”

“Little cook cart, this was her last batch. I asked her to keep them for us yesterday.” I supply as I tear the first chunks free of my bread and stuff the yellow vegetable into the cores.

“Oh… that was sweet of her.” Jevita supplies, follows my lead, but only in spirit. Simply takes up the separate portions into her mouth and only allows their flavors to mix for the seconds they are chewed.

Some would call this such a waste, and would get angry at the disregard. but the act… calms me. Makes me aware of my own habits and rude behavior.

“It was.” I pause, take a breath. How to approach this? How to ask?

She pauses mid bite, speaks through it. “Tasii will be okay alone tonight?”

I’d slept in her arms since we got to Deledita. We’d not had sex but once or… no twice while here. Once in the rooms late one night. Slow and… well very not Tasii. More for me, to help me relax after all the stress once Ina was up and about more. She can be so soft and sweet when she wants to. Then once in the side alleyway while Yrelia worked out the surprise dinner for Ina. That one was rough and quick and… very her. Not painful, never that. Just… Tasii prefers quick big sex to slow little things most times.

I take my first bite, then prepare more of my meal, “If not, she’ll find company. Plenty will be looking for a warm bed to share after a long day of travel.”

But… What about you, Jevita? Will you seek an embrace tonight? Or just… skinship? Will I have to wait to try and read your thoughts in how you seek pleasure? Or… don’t?

“I guess, yeah.” Jevita swallows a bite, then stuffs another chunk of bread into her mouth.

It was too big, and despite obviously wanting to say something she has to take a few moments to chew.

She may think she’s safe, think she can resist the temptations of Arudia, but we’ve stayed clear of any real gemstone work for almost a year now. We traded one a few months back, but it was already marked for authenticity. Jevita barely had to be a part of the conversations.

“That thing yesterday really seemed to shake everyone up a bit.” She tries to segue, a bit awkwardly. “You think Ina is processing everything okay? Skimmed pretty close with that duenna you mentioned.”

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

I shrug, swallow a small bite. “I think the Sun Spoken bothered her more. She looked ready to bite her head off before the duenna even showed up.”

Would she tell me if she’d decided to try that life again? She has to know how much I would hate that. I was there at the end, helping her heal and recover. Find things worth living for after–

“Really? Shy little Ina?” She pushes her plate forward, leans over the cider wine, “I didn’t get the full story yesterday.”

I can’t trust Tasii or Yrelia to break through to her. Maybe Lule? He would be so miserable cooped up in some stable in the cold.

I sigh, appetite souring. “The only thing you really missed was that Emarial did something to her whenever she met her the night before. Ina doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, but it got her shouting. The duenna kinda snuck up on us, but Ina didn’t miss a beat, just glared up at this giant of a woman and told her to fuck right off.”

“Right there in the middle of the tavern?” She takes a sip through the spice straw, “Fuck.”

“Mhm.”

Maybe I could try and keep her out of the towns? Get her to trust Yrelia and Tasii to help Ina find her contacts and work things out?

“What do you think happened? Was Ina hurt?”

No. Even if we had a chance of that working she wouldn’t agree to it. Not even if I asked… not even if I begged. She… She’s good at hiding her feelings for Ina. But… I don’t know. Their translation of the journal seems healthy enough, and I’d love for it to be an excuse to just get closer to her. I’ve not seen her embrace either of the other two in… well… I can’t remember the last time she sought their comforts. She’s not shy, but… her scars make it so hard to keep things straight. Even I have to focus to keep her attentions on my touch.

I shake my head. “Not physically. But even if I could guess I wouldn’t want to. She’ll talk when she’s ready. Trying to pry it out or guess at it could…” I push the plate to the side and look at my own cooling cider wine.

She already sees Ina as one of us now, and would give anything to keep what is her new family together.

“I think she’s used to her pain not mattering.” I sigh, “Not being able to channel it in a healthy way. I’d never be able to visit the Lyttoral temple, but I can only imagine what that kind of life did to her.”

“Yeah… I worked with some transmen before,” Jevita nods, “Asked them to explain how it all felt. Even met one pre-change. But… both were young with the full support of their mothers, and had been taught the words to convey their experiences.”

I can’t just wait and hope we find a Sun Spoken along the paths. I have to find a way to… I don’t know! Make sure she understands this now! Knows how fucked up this could get! The heavy clothes alone will be a constant issue for her. Always brushing up against her scars, twisting her thoughts to…

“Mhm.”

I can’t talk to the others. They know the shape of the thing, but not the depth of it! She asked me not to tell them a long time ago. It’s private. Asking them for help, opening that door would be as good as telling her–

“Kque?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t talk to her?”

“Huh?”

A long pause. I struggle to recover our topic and who she's referring to. Jevita tilts her head, really looks at me.

I stare back, then look past her. “Sorry, had something else interrupt my thoughts. What… What was the question?”

She grimaces, “Are you sure someone shouldn’t talk to Ina, make sure she’s okay and knows we’re here if she needs anything?”

Ah. right. Ina’s encounter with the Sun Spoken. Some kind of trauma there. Possibly physical. Hopefully just an emotional trigger related to her past that she’s using Emarial as a focus to expel it through.

“I think she gets that.” I shrug, “Knowing Yrelia she’ll probably either bumble into it… or help Ina forget it.”

A long pause.

But… How do I stop you from chasing an old life? One you know was self-destructive and abusive, but crave to feel again? Feel everyday as those Cultivation marks weave through your mind and flesh?

“Okay. You know more about this than the rest of us.” She smiles, a small and subtle thing. “I trust you more than me.”

That cuts into me like a knife. Do you?

As afternoon shifts to evening, and little nothings pass between us, I continue to chew and gnash at this worry. As it gets colder we head down to snuggle up against Lule and share skinship and warmth. Our limbs are all a tangle as we settle into comfortable sleeping positions.

This close it’s impossible to hide my tensions, even from Jevita. But it only takes an hour or so, and my movements show her plainly some turmoil in my thoughts.

“What’s wrong?” She murmurs.

The long pause between us is only interrupted by the occasional little noises Lule makes.

I sigh, debating a lie… but, no. It’ll be best to tell her and work through this together.

“I’m worried. About you. About if you might… fall back into an old life. If we end up needing to go to the Academy or deal with one of the five families.”

An even longer pause. I lay still now, and only allow my mind to trace through all the expressions she might be showing if I turned to look. Surprise, annoyance, distrust, sadness, shame, anger, fury–

“Yeah.” Is all she says, very very quietly. Her voice quivers…

I gamble a look, and find only worry on her face. “Yeah?”

She nods, face a twist of… well a lot. Mostly pain, but worry and shame sprinkled atop it.

“I… I’m going to need your help Kque. Might need you to save me again.”

I pull her closer, try my best to avoid touching the marks across her body. “I’m trying. Everyday I’m trying so hard. I… I can see how much you still want it. How hard it is to ignore.”

Jevita shudders, then seems to… pull herself together. “Fuck. That… That helps so much to hear.”

“Oh.” I whisper, “I don’t understand.”

“I thought I was being–” She sighs. “I don’t want to be damaged, Kque. I want to be a person. Don’t want you or the others to only see me as… well… what I was. But… Fuck. I’m not very hard to read, am I?”

I whisper. “Jevita you’re… you're more than your scars!”

She pulls me tighter in return. “Seriously though, What you said, when you asked for my exploratory crystals when you visited with Ina. That helped me so fucking much.”

“I’d like to know why, so I know how to help you as much as I can without driving you away.”

She thinks for a few moments, “I think… it’s the opposite of what they did before. They only asked because they wanted me to go deeper, you asked to pull me back. Keep me safe.”

“Okay.”

“And It means you care. Knowing that you’re watching me so closely that you notice. That you worry and it bothers you. That you would burn all my notes and sell everything from my past if you thought it would keep me safe.”

“Do you want me to do that?”

She chuckles, “Part of me thinks it might not be a bad idea. But… No. There are some things there worth keeping. And they’re mostly harmless, especially without the right class of gemstone and months of work.”

A long pause settles between us, and enough time passes that I think she’s drifted into sleep.

“Keep watching me, okay? Please? Keep asking me if you think I need help. Get… Get in my way if you think I’m chasing those sensations.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you Kque.”

“You’re welcome Jevita.” I whisper back as relief is replaced with a deep weariness. “I don’t see you as damaged. I see a really amazing woman who’s survived a lot, is a wonderful mother to Lule, and deserves happiness.”

A deep sigh, then she speaks in our native Arudian tongue, “Fellow stardust I have the eternal thanks for resting alongside.”

“I love you too Jevita.” I reply back, then answer in Arudian, “May the memories of our time together be inscribed upon the dream.”

Lule toots that he loves us both too, but would like to sleep please.

We giggle at that, and pass into slumber.