CW:
JEVITA POV!!! Talking to gemstone cuties. Talk about an abusive headmate, Depersonalization, worry about personality smothering. and little cuties getting snuggled!!!
Improvement. Like… like a garden? Growing around and past and often through the wound.
Cultivation.
Fuck. That makes… so much sense to me. More than all the others. Which fits. Understanding and figuring things out was where I started. I’m not sure who I was before but…
Well… My obsessiveness over Gemstone magic things was done before because I literally had to. Was all that mattered during that part in my life. And going back to it along the Paths… it like… absorbed me. Then I’d always go too deep and the Maktaba would crush me and… and coming back was hard.
Kque was always great at helping me pull free but… but it wasn’t until Deledita that I started telling her the details of it all.
“Help?” The little bird-shaped gemstone creature nudges my elbow as we wait.
“Hm?” I turn to glance down at it.
Eyes blink in their weird fucking stone-light way of doing that. “Hi.”
“No. No.” I assure it. “Just… thinking about… Well not that! Why would I? Old Cultivation is horrid. This… this is so much better. I think.”
“Hi?” It kinda gurgles at me.
“Exactly.” I respond to what I think it's saying. “This will like… have all the math and hard edges I was good at with the old, but… softer. More flexible. And not for them. For me!”
“Hi hi hi hi!” It giggles and nuzzles up and into my arms, fully settling to curl and lay over the notebook I was forgetting to use.
“Of course.” I chuckle and assure it, reaching down to run fingers along solid yet somehow soft glimmering form. “The writings were honestly for Ina or Rahdian or… or other people. If they wanted it. I won’t forget things about this. Feel free to lay all you want there.”
The long bug looking one on my shoulders lets out what I can only describe as a burp mixed with a fish hiccup, and... I take that as agreement.
Rahdian wanted to like… take a long bath and of course alone and asked me to keep her little cutie company since Ina was still out, then Ina and Kque came back and she also wanted a bath and just… I offered to keep her long gemstone friend too, which now hangs about my neck like it was Ina’s. Because they HATE baths. We're not sure if it's the water, or the Gemstones warming the liquid, but they get really upset if one of us carries them anywhere neat the tubs.
“So… My theory is this.” I begin to speak into the silent living space we’ve claimed. “Everything before, from the Gemstones themselves to the Dust we could ground them down into, was just like… spare things. Extra. And like all excess of something, it had all kinds of ideas made to fit into our world. And we just… used it. Not understanding what they meant.”
“Help?”
“No no no. Not bad at all. Just… things you all wanted to push out. For all reasons. Like… the transformation Gemstones were actually trying to answer a need you felt some people having. While the warming and temperature things were another. Because that was part of your Cultivation. Connecting and understanding the World and trying to symbiotically meld into it was… was good. It helped you all and us.”
“Help? Hi hi?”
“Yeah, exactly.” I clarify. “You just didn’t know how we’d use it, but hoped we would, and learned from the exchange when you could. But when used wrong it can hurt people, and… that’s not going to be your fault. And I don’t think trying to hold in the bad stuff is a good idea either. Can just put it in places where you know people won’t find it or get hurt. Hide it until Ina or someone like her can take care of it.”
“…Hi.” It whispers gently.
“I… yeah. And how they were used affects you all. Changed you all. Even causing damage.” I murmur back, giving them even more soft touches. “That’s why I’m glad Ina’s like… tried to go through and help you all choose what to keep giving to us. While also encouraging more of you to grow into cuties like you two. Walk about and consider things. Feel and explore the Waking World, then share what you discover with all the rest!”
From my shoulders a sound like cracking and popping ice echoes as that one adjusts and hugs me tighter.
“That’s…” I almost instinctively recoil at the thought but… focus. Fight to keep the tears from falling as I whisper. “I know. I… I’ve got to help the one inside me. It’s a… a victim. Like me. But… but… It’s done more than try to kill me. To erase me. It’s… it’s felt everything I was and am and wanted and… and just wanted to crush me. Use me when I couldn't think past the weight of it. It’s… I… I can’t… I don’t…”
“Help help help help help helphelphelphelp…” The little one on my lap adjusts to nuzzle my chest.
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
Somehow doesn't even cause the Glyphs to get upset at its touch. Same as the one on my shoulders. Didn’t notice that the first time either let me hold them.
“Jevita?” Comes a soft call, and I glance up from my hug to see Tasii.
I stupidly stammer nothing words while trying to wipe any moisture out from my eyes.
She’s across the room and moving to sit at my side in an instant. Murmuring a soft, “I heard the end.” As she sort of… sits openly. Not pouncing on me like she might the others found on the verge of tears, but very clearly inviting me into her embrace.
I huff, feel kinda stupid, but then all but fall into her. Careful to avoid the Glyphs as I sigh a quiet. “Thanks.”
She wraps me up and answers with a soft, “You’re welcome.”
“Hi, help.” The little one in my lap murmurs softly, to both me and Tasii.
“Uhh…” Tasii chuckles. “I’m not… sure what it's saying?”
“It’s just… telling on me.” I adjust and try to get comfy. “Was sharing my thoughts on Cultivation with them and then… well, you heard.”
“Just the end, but I knew you were talking to them while you waited.” She nods. “Is… that safe? Without Kque?”
I shrug. “I’m not thinking about old Cultivation, only the new stuff.”
“Oh? It’s different?”
“Mhm. Very. At least… in the ways that matter.” I answer as the little cutie settles back into stillness at my gentle caresses and the one on my shoulder kinda… stretches out to encompass Tasii’s arm. “Before It was… like… Okay. Cultivation implies growth. And Arudia didn’t really grow on the inside like it should have. I think. Gemstones were tools. Like… kinda like I was.”
“Yeah.” She sighs. “Glad we got you three out of that. Our mums have done a really good job with Athem, especially now that Thodep is helping out.”
I… don’t reply. Don’t know what to say. That I’m too stupidly scared to be around them in case they… they get mad at me for not wanting to deal with my Maktaba? Or worse, push me into trying to talk with it only so it can hurt me again. Share with them all my… my me things it hates and letting them see me as the not-person I still feel like sometimes?
“And I think we’re doing a good job with you too.” She adds, wrapping me a little tighter.
Sighing, I snuggle closer. “Maybe. Still… still not sure I can be as brave as they are. Especially Athem.”
“Jevita…” She whispers. “You’ve been brave for years and years. Longer than either of them. They eh… kinda look up to you. A lot. You’re the girl who got away and made a life. Even faced down your headmate, despite how scary it is.”
That makes me freeze. “I… What?”
“I know you’ve been avoiding them, and that’s okay. But… they think it’s because you don’t want to make time for them. Are helping Ina with Sun Spoken things.”
“I am helping Ina with Sun Spoken things.” I grumble.
Tasii chuckles. “Sure. But… you need to know something. They get it. Understand you needing to avoid your Maktaba. Are… actually kinda in awe of that. Athem especially. He’s still struggling when his gets upset or annoyed. Thodep and my mums help but… even she doesn’t really know how to stand up to it since hers always seemed to love her.”
“Oh.” I whisper. “I thought they were… like… mad at me. Thought me stupid and selfish for not trying to work things out with mine.”
“The opposite, actually. Even Thodep’s Maktaba is hoping for the chance to ask you things.” She assures me. “You’re really amazing, Jevita.”
Oh. I… I mean I guess I do have years and years of experience pushing it back. Asserting… Well, me. Myself. Tricks and methods I came up with and Kque helped me refine later.
“I’ll think about it.” I murmur.
“I’m not changing what I said. At all. Okay?” She moves to lean around to catch my gaze. “Just… think that maybe talking with people who get it could help you. Reinforce whatever choices you wanna make.”
I swallow. Nod.
Thodep’s Maktaba had told me and Kque that… that it wasn’t sure. If mine could be removed, that is. And it also had a ton of worry about at what such a process would do to it. Because apparently the 'between hosts' is pretty horrible and painful. It would ask to have it returned to the Zeridii Dream but…
The only way we know how to do that would require me to Dream with Ina, and her having to meet it and me and… but we’re merged kinda like she only is when we calls Aceso to the Waking World? Right? What if it tries to just… crush me and… and hurt her?
“I can’t promise to help it.” I whisper. “Not after… after everything.”
“Course not. This is kinda just like what Ina’s dealing with, I think.” Tasii murmurs. “You gotta worry about the people who are here and hurting now, and that includes you. Compromising is like… kinda what got Arudia into this mess. Giving horrible types concessions just gives them more space and freedom to make things worse. This’ll be harder for you, possibly, but that’s not your fault and you deserve to claim your own happiness.”
That helps me relax into her further. “Thanks Tasii. I… That means a lot to hear.”
“Sorry I didn’t think to say it all again sooner. Kinda got wrapped up in things.”
“Help hi help help!” Agrees the little cutie, while the one on our shoulders burgles out a humming echo of support.
We sit quietly after that, and I drop into sleep for a time. And between anxious worry and the loving supporting quite literally wrapped all about me…
I can just almost hear the World Song. Or… the Great Ocean?
Huh. Yeah I can see why Rahdian calls it that! Or like how Ina called it a big blanket over everything.
Swirling in eternal motions, but… steady. Woven tight to survive a long time, but… not forever. Which is odd. You’d think a Goddess would have thought up how to make like… little knittings to turn all those fraying bits back into the working. Otherwise it just spins off into waste.
Did She not have enough time to do better? No. No she could adjust this. Fuck, that’s kinda what Ina’s Songs or Rahdian’s Spinnings must do. Which is neat. Amwella looks and feels like fire but like… that’s not really the best way of handling it.
Hmmm… I wonder what the Zeridii thinks of the World Song?
“Hi hi hi help hi help.” Coos the little cutie gently from my lap.
Oh that makes sense. The World Song was woven to cover and keep things safe and warm, and so of course you’d want to snuggle beneath it after being hurt. A gentle place to sleep compared to… um… outside?
What’s up and out there?
The long one hums soft little details. Almost longingly.
Cold, but… filled to bursting with places and people and not people and warmth and Dreams and all kinds of everythings and nothings.
I don’t understand it all, but… that’s alright. This is really wonderful and amazing and I’m so glad these two wanna tell me all about–
“Just left it to simmer.” Whispers Tasii to someone across the room. “But… if you wanna check, the bread or fruits might need to be turned about.”
Eyes flitter open, and I see a still damp and thoughtful Kque standing in the hallway that leads to the kitchen.
“Hey Jevy,” She smiles, “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Didn’t.” I smile back.
“Seemed pretty asleep to me.” Tasii chuckles.
“Only half-sleeping.” I yawn, then move to sit up.
“Either way, there’s still time before dinner.” Tasii adjusts to rise, “C’mere, Kque. You two snuggle and let me finish kitchen things.”
Kque smiles and waves her down. “I’ll handle it, then join you both while we all wait for the food to finish.”
We both consider that, then settle back into our relaxed position. All of us drifting off back into a light slumber while considering all the things.