CW:

SECOND TAKROTH CHAPPY!!! AHHH! Talk of lack of bodily autonomy. Little bits of discussion of worry about losing said autonomy. Talk of fear of being touched. Discussions of non-verbalness. Little talks aluding to past sexual assault

And like every other night when he can sleep away, I find Kinatii watching the big monster crab thing settle in to sleep behind our little circle of carriages. Grinning like nothing else in the world matters while all the little gemstone bugs skitter and scuttle all around his seated form.

Been on the road for… a week? Less? Not sure. Tried to keep busy and not think about to much. Walking or even jogging alongside the carriages with the others. Catching up with some of the other guys and how their new friends are doing. Both the Azure Compact people traveling with us and…

An ever present soft purring buzz sound presses against my neck and shoulders. My… my new little friend nuzzles deep into the hood of my big coat. Exhausted from a long day of watching and tittering silly noises as I moved about. All those eyes across its pretty gemstone body finally shut tight as it decided to sleep.

So different from everyone else’s. But… also the same? Everyone of us Arudian Males really are getting on with their new friends. Bonding like I’d never expect. Especially to weirdly shaped little gemstone creatures we all literally watched hatched.

“Heya.” I greet softly from plenty far away to not startle him too much.

My footsteps crunched pretty loud though, so when he turns it’s just with expectant welcoming things. Especially when he sees the two steaming mugs in my hands. Scoots a bit to make room on the log he’s brushed snow off of to make room for me.

So I sit and pass him his dinner. Look out to squint.

“I... can’t see it out there.” I whisper.

He points, and I kinda see what could be a little hill.

“But… I mean you’d think all the gemstones across it would glimmer like crazy out here.”

He shrugs, wiggles his hand back and forth and takes first sips of the hot drink as one of those little bugs dangles from a finger.

“Yeah, good point.” I agree. “Not enough light for that. But still… I’m surprised it doesn’t knock over more trees. Or make more noise. I never hear it. Does it even leave tracks behind us?”

As he lowers his cut I get to enjoy the first words he’s seemed comfortable to share tonight. “Moves really softly. Like one of those fuzzy spiders I told you about.”

“Really?” I grin and take a little drink myself. Enjoy the rich flavor of the stew they brewed for us before asking. “Seems too big and heavy for that.”

“From what I’ve read about the Cidaii spiders, their fluff actually helps them distribute their weight out.” He explains while swaying the finger his little friend still dangles from. Which… draws three more to skidder up his body and arm to join it. Which of course makes Kinatii’s shy smile grow. “And… Like… I think they have weird bits inside that let them ignore some rules we have.”

“Oh? Magic stuff?”

“Mhm. Maybe.” He murmurs. “Probably. This clutch has jumped farther or moved faster than I think they should be able to. But bugs are fast when they want to be, and I can’t compare them to anything right now.”

“Want me to keep an eye out for some fuzzy spiders when I’m out walking beside the carriages?” I offer. “See if I can’t get them to come visit?”

“Oh, um… maybe.” He replies just before taking a big drink.

“Honestly, my big feet will probably scare them.” I shrug. “Could come get you, if you want. Let you show me how it’s done?”

He purses his lips and flips his hand over, letting his now five little friends crawl back up to nuzzle into his palm as he pulls them close. “Maybe.”

I muse aloud casually to what I can tell is a growing anxiety in him. “Would have to be a warmer day, I think. And they won’t come out if there are more big feet than just mine about.”

He barely holds himself together some days in the carriage we share with those two Compact members. Liphory and Grethra. Took them at least a couple days to understand how little Kinatii wants to talk, especially to strangers. Scared him a few times. Both are… Very morning people. Really bright and vibrant and wanting to start the day with words and ideas.

But after I pulled them both aside after a particularly heavy but quiet panic he had… they agreed to back off. Mostly. Are okay with me being the person he goes to for things. But not forever, they insisted.

“Kinatii needs at least one or two others he trusts.” Liphory said to me one morning while we walked together. “And not just for him, but for you Tak.”

I shrugged that off. Not… not wanting to think about that. Not till after I get the chance to talk to Jessry and… and see what she plans to do.

“But we’re on the road, and it’s really good that you look out for him.” Liphory added though. “And there is absolutely no rush to this. Just… help us avoid scaring him again, okay? We can figure out the rest later.”

That was easy enough, but also…

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

“Let him be quiet when he wants. Don’t touch him unless he asks.” I’d blurted out.

Expected him to get upset or question that like Kinatii’s Keeper did but he just… nodded. “Okay. That all makes sense. Thank you for giving me that.”

“I’m not being stupid or possessive here.” I’d insisted. Thinking he was just… placating me. “He’s… He needs that. Everything is so much harder for him than it is for the rest of us.”

“I agree.” He’d replied just as quickly. “Tak, can I… I’m going to say some things. And if you need me to stop just tell me to shut up. Okay? This is something we all agreed not to press until we’d at least reached the homes we’ve set up for you all.”

I hesitated, but nodded. Braced myself through the spike of fear in my gut.

“You’ve all been taught that your bodies don’t belong to you. But you were also groomed to think that was normal and okay because your first memories of this were coupled with incredible euphoria of your body shaping into the way you needed.”

Looked away from him then. Try to... to hold in the muck that starts to boil.

“And that wasn’t okay. At all. But between that and the women they had being everything to you… I’m guessing it took years for you to start feeling that strain.”

Nod.

“And none of that is your fault.” He insisted. “At all.”

That… somehow hurts more than the rest to hear. Keep the flinch inside, which was nice. Enough so I could ask carefully. “I guess but… why say this all now? If… if you’re supposed to wait?”

“To explain how Kinatii didn’t have the euphoria the rest of you did, because he is not transgender. Was found being hidden by his mother since birth.” He explained. “As a boy he was taken from his mother at the same age the rest of you were transitioning. Then was woven with Glyphs that did nothing but act as chains to him. And from the journals and records we’ve only just started reading… he never had a good relationship with his Keeper. Both due to this but… also more. That I will not get into the details of here.”

I… nod. Remember him arriving at the Temple. How scared he was of everyone and everything. Took years for him to feel comfy around me and a few others.

“So, my point was that we understand that he’s going to need help in ways we might not expect.” Liphory continued. “And we’d like your help in knowing the whens and wheres. Tell us to back off when we’re too much. When to push or offer things when we worry we’d only scare him. Even if we’ve done nothing more than exist near him. Alright? We… don’t like that it’s the case, but your help will be really important to helping him find the life he wants. Healing.”

I… didn’t know how to reply to that. Just agreed and said Kinatii was my friend and let that talk fade away.

Still don’t know as I take the final drinks of soup from my mug and watch the cold quiet night with him.

I like Kinatii, a lot. And am really relieved that no one is trying to separate us or tug him into a crowd of people he doesn’t know or trust. And… That’s all that matters. I’ve no idea what I want for myself right now. Feel like some bird who was never taught to fly lost in the woods. But I can take care of him and figure the rest out later.

“Thanks for the soup, Tak.” He whispers from my side, then sets his mug down into the snow and carefully leans over to rest his head on my arm. “And… everything else.”

“Course.” I reply, carefully adjusting to see…

He doesn’t flinch or stiffen at my arm’s movement. Even… nuzzles a little closer. So I wrap my free arm around him and share some warmth. Get to watch as all his little gemstone bugs scurry about and find all the best sleeping places amidst his big coats many pockets and nooks.

“And um… Could I walk with you? Maybe tomorrow?” He asks. “Get you to help me look for what kind of other bugs are around? Let my little friends say hi to them?”

“Yeah, that actually sounds really fun.” I agree with a grin. “Been kinda boring lately. And some of the others ran more than they should have today and will wake up pretty sore. Won’t want to even walk and will probably be resting.”

That relaxes him a lot. So much I think he dozes off a little despite the cold breeze. Only wakes up when the sound of crunching snow drifts past. Both of us stir to look back and see Grethra stopping a few feet back.

Start to shift almost… on reflex. But hold still. Wait to hear what they say rather than assume.

“Just… wanted to see if you two needed anything before Liphory and I go to sleep?” They ask.

Not here to like… manage us. Just checking on me like any of the other guys might.

“Nope. We’re good, I think.” I shake my head, even can’t help but smile as I see Kinatii shake his too.

They smile back at that. “We’ll leave the pot out over the embers if you want more soup before bundling in for the night. Otherwise. Have a good evening and rest when you claim that.”

Then they turn and head back to the little circle of tents around a still glowing fire.

“They… seem nice.” Kinatii eventually murmurs while returning to my embrace.

“I think so, but mostly have only walked and talked with Liphory.” I agree, then add. “But I’m also still off balance being around all these people that like… I’ve not known forever. Trying to get used to all the new faces and names and like… words they want us to use.”

He nods. “It’s hard to keep it all ordered and straight.”

“But… both of them have been really patient, honestly. And it makes sense that we step on each other’s toes as we get used to sharing a space.” I add.

“I… um… I’ve made them mad, haven’t I?” He whispers.

“Hmm? No. Not at all.” I reply easily and casually. “If anything they know that they’ve bumped your toes a few times, want to do better. Have asked if I could give them some pointers on how to avoid that.”

“Oh.” He whispers. “What did you tell them?”

“Just like… That we’ve gotten really happy with not being morning people. To give us time to wake up before… being all themselves. Simple stuff, ya know? We’ve got some really different guys among our group and them assuming we’re all like our loudest and confident is not a good plan.”

Thinks on that for a long time, enough that I almost think he’s fallen asleep and I’m gonna have to carry him to our tent but…

Then I feel him shiver, and not from the cold. Begin to… to whimper quietly.

Crying while also trying to hide it all.

“Hey, hey, hey…” I whisper softly and adjust. Not pulling him closer but… letting him fall more into me if he wants.

He tumbles deeper into my embrace at the offer. Then... says things. But the words are a muddled mess. Even for him. But… I know I fucked up as I make out some of it. Pleading for me to apologize for him, promises to give them anything they want. Just… Please don’t send him back.

Don’t make him perform for the Temple again.

“No, never, Kinatii! I wasn’t trying to like…” I whisper as he quiets a bit. “I meant it. All of it. Just… yeah. I told them pointedly how too many words, especially from a stranger, scares you. How they need to avoid touching you. But they like… Agreed. Immediately. Even want to apologize sometime. But also said like… it’s okay. That you’re allowed to not want words or touches from anyone you don’t feel comfy with.”

“R– really? They… they really don’t want us to…?”

“No. Never. Are like… really worried about that. Like we are.” I answer, then add. “And… fuck. I’m sorry. I should have just told you straight out what I said and they said. Was… more worried you’d feel bad about needing some extra caution from them.”

“It’s okay, Tak.” He mumbles and sits up to pull away. Wipes at his eyes. “Just… That… You really don’t think they want us to um… do any more performances?”

“No. I really don’t. At all. You heard the Sun Spoken lady.” I reply quickly.

“Inamatorii.” He nods, seems to relax even more. “She… Yeah. She seemed really upset at everything back in the big Manor. Like more than everyone else. Like you get sometimes. When you wanna hit something but also want to cry.”

Can’t help but chuckle at that. “She really did, didn’t she? I… hope she got to have a good cry after breaking us out of that life.”