Content Warning:

Not really anything! Two trans people discussing things and getting comfy with each other.

He shakes his head. “I’m sure we’ll figure all that out together.”

“Okay… I guess. But… why insist on a half trained Hetaera?” I press forward. It’s awkward, but… that’s part of my goal here. Make him feel like this was an expense he won’t want in the future, but make sure he feels like I’m still owed his payment. “I’m sure my lover would have been ecstatic at the chance to… um… try this with me.”

“Lover?”

“Oh, sorry. My… my teacher.” I huff with a practiced face embarrassed correction. “She’s… we’re also… um… lovers.”

“Huh, does that cause a bit of a conflict of interests?” He muses, “For one so… intimate to take your role as teacher?”

“Absolutely.” I giggle, real and nice. Relieves some tension in my tummy. “But I love it. And she’s still a very good teacher. It makes everything more interesting.”

He seems to pause at that. Something in the words stuttering his thoughts.

“So…”

“Hm?”

“Why me? Why not a fully trained Hetaera? I’ll bet there are a few working for the Academy even, with the amount you… um… paid I’m guessing you could have bought a night of their time. They work with the males constantly, right?”

He nods, takes a sip to allow himself time to think. Then…

“I… Let’s just say I’ve found myself incredibly curious in some rumors about a young traveling Hetaera.”

“Then why not hire her?”

He looks up, confused and worried I’m not understanding his words. So I tap my ringless ears.

“Not a Hetaera,” I clarify. “And Yrelia, my teacher, that is, literally taught me everything I know.”

He smiles, nods. “Ah, well… The rumors were quite specific about which of you I should hire.”

I freeze up a little… worry about where this is going. About little details about my… skills, might stand out to enough people to incite this.

After a long pause he continues. “It’s said when Inamatorii brings one to pleasure. It’s as if she is touching your very soul.”

Fuck.

“That’s…” I sputter, hoping my cracks come across as surprise. “Wow… Maybe I’m better at this than I thought!”

His smile is soft, but… still holds a large measure of seriousness. “Is it true?”

“Of course not!” I have to look away, hoping my blush conveys the right thing. “I… Fuck that’s a really wild thing to claim!”

He remains quiet, studying me…

“Who even told you this?” I peek back, try to smile. “I don’t want to insult a friend of yours, but…” I trail off.

It’s Impossible with a male… You… would a transgender man still have their Amwella? Emarial… she didn’t mention if it mattered. But…

“They’re someone I trust very much. Multiple people actually match their stories to it.” He lays his mug aside on the desk, moves slowly to ease down into the fluffy chair beside mine. “They consider themselves quite familiar with Hetaera and their abilities.”

“I don’t know what to say, Zin.” I look down at my hands. “It’s flattering, but… also kinda scary. Like If… If I can’t do it, What if you don’t feel the same thing they did? Then what?”

I hear him sigh, “Then… I’m sure it will still be a night to remember.”

I look up, turn back to… the other problem here. Zin is a male. And… Well… I… My desires to be in a body that matched my soul kinda fucked up my sexual desires. For years I couldn’t tell if I simply wanted a woman’s body I saw for myself… or if I actually wanted to have sex with her. Probably both, like… all the time. And… fuck. I… I’m not really all that… um… attracted to him. He’s handsome… I guess?

“Um… also… also…” I blubber, caught between wanting to avoid the admission, but realizing I can’t. “I didn’t know you were male. And… um… I’m not sure how I feel about having sex with one.”

That, of all things, gets a pause from him. “Yes, that’s… um… not something I guess Judic or I considered.”

I study his face, his eyes, big soft hands and nose. All of it… well it doesn’t disgust me. But when my thoughts start to consider what’s beneath his clothes and…

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“It’s… huh. Truly though?” He seems to lean back, considering me. “Most… um… women seem quite interested in the experience, at least. Since there as so few opportunities.”

A few flashes, memories of… of horrible experiences with Jawdat and–

“Um… Well… fuck.” I huff. “I’m just making a fool of myself now.”

Is this really any different than the sex with the older women you’ve pleasured with Yrelia? Really? You’d even be pretty decent at knowing what would make him feel great. Do you really want to compare your time with a horrible and cruel breeding male with this… with Zin? Someone who…

I nearly jolt as the thought slots into place. Why I’m not… like… probably really panicked or uncomfortable about this.

He’s basically me, but… opposite!

Someone understands what it was like! Who spent at least a few years hating their body. But… now gets to enjoy being free.

I look over at them with… well not sudden affections, but interest. Not looking at the features, but… yeah it’s there. Fuck! I can see it. Can see the calm and easy joy at… at being themselves. Not really seen that in anyone else. Knowing what to look for… I can see the joy like someone else would see a long healed scar. He’s had years to settle into himself.

To… For old pains to fade.

“How… long ago was it for you?” My mouth asks before I can stop it.

A pause, confusion at my sudden off topic question. “Um… pardon?”

“Sorry,” I stammer, “Just… I was wondering how long ago you… um… got to change your body. To… To match yourself.”

Raised eyebrows. A real blush. Fuck… That makes him seem so much more soft.

“Oh um… well…”

“Th– That was sudden and way too personal.” I try to offer them an out from my rude question. “We can… go back to talking about how I have no fucking idea what I’m doing right now if you’d like!”

“No, no… it’s…” He smiles, “I don’t get many questions about it. Not ones that… well… seem to get the words right on the first go. But, about twenty years back. I honestly started later than most. Wasn’t brave enough until I was half-way through my first year at the Academy.”

“But… um…” I look down to my still full mug. “How early did you know?”

For me it was… ten? I’m not sure. I was given so few words to describe the pain of it! Just had to… to spend years and years thinking I was just messed up and alone.

Again… a bit of surprise at my question. “Um… very early. About seven or so. But… grandmama was not interested in having an infertile son. Hated me when I announced my decision to change. Only… only just recently did she even invite me to a family event. But, even that turned out to be more of a formality.”

He falls into silence. Memories inflicting pain that I can see flicker across his expression.

“I’m sorry. But… um… it suits you.” I try to change the mood, draw him from the melancholy. “Your change, that is. You… um… It's like you're lighter than most people. Suddenly stronger as if a weight was lifted. I wouldn’t know you were ever anything else had I not thought to look for it since you wear it so well!”

The sudden smile he radiates is such a… a wonderful thing. He can’t help but reach out and touch the top of my hand. “That… well… for someone unused to being around Arudian Men you sure know exactly what to say to flatter one, Ina. Thank you.”

But I barely hear his words… only find a weight lift from my mind as Emarial is proven to be a stupid cunt once again.

I feel the little spark sign of a soul as our skin touches, and can’t help but smile at the miracle of it. This man does have a soul… if… if I do end up going through with all this… he will feel me as I taste his Amwella.

We spend at least another hour or two just… talking. We eat and drink, and even laugh a bit as he shares some tales from his time at the Academy, talks about his kinder family members, and his time with Jutic.

Apparently she was a friend to his mother… Was asked to watch out for Zin when she got very ill and passed from a rare Cultivation infection. She was almost as despised as him by the Matron of their family, and wanted to make sure her little boy was looked after and protected.

I can’t help the tears that come to me at the story, at… well the death is sad. But… mostly as I picture a mother accepting him and protecting him from others who would hurt him. Even in her dying days.

“What’s your mother like?” He asks suddenly, and it’s only then that I notice we’d been sitting in silence for a long while.

“Hm?” I freeze, not expecting the question. I almost tell him I didn’t know her, that I was given away to… what? I can’t tell him about the temple. But… um… well fuck I guess she really is my mother, isn’t she?

My Sangoma.

“Not as amazing as yours.” I wipe my tears carefully, “She um… doesn’t really know where I am. And…” I bite my lip. “She’d probably hate me if she saw what I was doing with my life.”

“I’m sorry…” He winces. “Does she think so poorly of Hetaera?”

“Oh, fuck I’m not sure she even would know what that word means.” I laugh bitterly, then realize I should have just… said yes. Gone with that lie. “I… um… she wanted me to… kinda… ugh it’s hard to explain.”

He nods, “Then… you don’t have to. I’m sorry to bring it up.”

“No you're fine. I asked about yours first. It’s just… the way she sees me and how I see me are very different. I… I feel like I was more of a tool to her than a person.” I sigh, words actually making me feel better. Help me unwind some pains I’d been ignoring. “I still love her… I think… But I don’t want to go back and visit ever again.”

“I... can relate to that. Not with my mother but my Grandmama. But... Where is your mother now?” He presses gently, not… he’s curious but not impolite about it. I’m the one blabbering on now besides. “I assume quite far away, for her to not know what a Hetaera is?”

I nod… considering. But it won’t matter. It’s too far away too!

“Lyttoral.” I murmur.

He’s genuinely very startled by that. “Lyttoral? Truly? You grew up on the other side of the continent?”

My smile is… well it’s more of a grimace than anything. But not unkind. “Yeah, been traveling for, like… most of a year to get this far.”

“Fuck.” It’s the first time he’s used that word, “How did you manage it? All by yourself or was your… um… teacher with you the entire time?”

Warmth flows through me as I reply. “Mhm, My lovers have been showing me the world.”

He raises an eyebrow at that, “More than one?”

“I… It was just one, at first. They were all traveling together and I just kinda…” I make a dropping motion, “Plopped into their lives. But… they um… yeah we’re all very very close.”

I don’t mind sharing a few stories, some even embarrassing, but… it’s comfortable. And even if I can never tell Zin the heart of it all... How I’m like him, just… opposite. I can’t help but feel so safe here with him. So understood. Like he can sense the same pain in me that he felt, and now bear the same joys of freedom he has.

But… of course the night goes on. And I can almost feel the tension building, sense the… the buzz of his soul calling out to me from just a few feet away. I’m not nervous. If anything I’m nothing but completely at ease with Zin now.

But sex is… well I can’t help but tilt my head and wonder what it’ll be like. Wonder… if it’ll be as nice as when I’m with my other clients?