CW:

START OF ARC FOUR! AHHHHH!!! Jevita POV! AHHH! Talk of past abuse, depersonalization. personality/headmate smothering and hopes for removal. Being treated like a tool and abuse from a headmate.

“Lady Delphian. This… this is too much!” Ina stammers. Or… is that Aceso? Both?

Yeah, they’re both together and a mess right now. Flustered and trying to say their goodbyes amidst the endless generosity of two people I honestly think would try and keep them here forever if they could.

“Nonsense.” Lady Ophrit chuckles and motions for Zigdara to continue loading the big chest into the back of the carriage we’ll be taking. “You still have at least another few months of travel through Arudia’s cold winds. And even Lyttoral will be chilly this time of year. Having a collection of fine cloaks and coats will be important for the lot of you.”

Ina and Aceso look to us all for support as the big woman sighs performatively, but moves to place the chest in the back storage space beside me and Kque. We scoot around some more to let it be placed in the best spot to block more of the winds. Then settle. Long sleepy gemstone friend napping happily across my shoulders.

“We have plenty of space.” Yrelia muses.

“And…” Tasii adds. “More means extra protections from the cold winds for the two sitting in the back.”

“Help help hii!” Agrees the little one in Rahdian’s arms.

Ina huffs, and… I’m pretty sure she’s the one who mumbles. “Yeah. But we might not have this carriage past the next town.”

“Then you’ll have your big strong duenna load it onto a new one.” Ophrit insists.

This friendly argument continues a bit farther, but ultimately Ina and Aceso have to buckle and be buried under the weight of the insistent gifts. Especially when the two pointedly start to re-explain to what all they’ve done for Arudia and get them flustered again.

Pull them both into a big hug and murmur little things I can’t hear. Probably… alongside the expected thanks and soft words of adorations, making sure they know to send for her if things start to fall apart here.

She’s taking the Matron’s advice to keep her title. Remaining High Duenna of Arudia even as she moves to leave these cold lands. Ina and Aceso weren't ready to handle the Matron as they took the time to figure out this new permanent merging, but in messages exchanged these last days... an offer was made. Veletross will meet us all in a city past where we mean to leave the Azure Compact behind. Bring promised journals and stories to give then and us all the info demanded. And more, apparently, although she didn't wish to promise anything before she could consider other 'gifts'.

That... worried them, and me. But Yrelia and Tasii took it in good stride. Said that the farther from home Veletross is the less likely the Matron is likely to do something stupid. And the time away and traveling will give them space to recover more.

Look up from my muses as final words and hugs are traded then… It’s time to go.

It’s early in the morning. We were all pretty restless and decided that trying to spot the sunrise through the snowfall would be a nice way to leave the mountain.

But Ina surprises me though. Instead of climbing into the carriage, they share little words with Tasii, Yrelia, Rahdian, and Zigdara, then give our big child a good hug and scrutch from his spot to trot alongside the carriage, before hauling themselves up into the back with myself and Kque.

“Can… We squeeze in back here with you two?” They whisper. Wait. No, that's Aceso. Very much. Hesitating where Ina would basically fall into our laps in a heap of giggles.

“Course,” I reply immediately.

“Always.” Kque says at the same time, and we both just… wordlessly agree to part. Opening a spot between us for them to crawl and settle in.

Almost immediately the long gemstone cutie across my shoulders wakes up enough to crawl and snuzzle around Ina's before settling back into a good snooze. And... the rest of us are happy to mimic that for a bit. Let most of the slowly awakening city pass us by before either of us say anything more. Only really communicated anything but our love by entwining fingers and nuzzling close.

“I hope we aren’t making a mistake.” They whisper into the cold quiet.

By leaving Arudia in the hands of good people like Delphian and Ophrit? Or… agreeing to travel and be available to the Arudian men for a few months? They could also be talking about their merger. It’s mostly Aceso who constantly gets overwhelmed and tries to get very small and quiet. Scared even. Though I think the Goddess doesn’t like to admit that easily.

“About what?” I murmur when they don’t say anything else.

“Everything.” They huff and chuckle. “But that’s normal. We actually wanted to check on you two. See if there was anything we could do to help with the um… research. You’ve been doing? Ask how it was going if nothing else?”

Oh.

Kque’s fingers wind their way behind them and carefully entwine with mine.

The research into setting up a healthy means of communicating with my Maktaba or… or removing it. If the horrid thing refuses to change. Thodep and Athem left with Kque’s mums a few hours before us to get themselves a carriage. For now, and until probably our first town past the mountain, we’ve paused our work. Will meet up at either the road down the mountain or the bottom just before the lake itself. Then we'll form a sort of... caravan. Us and them at the head to lead the Azure Compact and their new guests forward.

“It’s been slow.” I reply while glaring off into the passing city. “Mostly because I… I refuse to do even what Athem does. Both our Maktaba will nip and bite and smother us if we’re not careful. And… sometimes even when we are. He’s been willing to let it hurt him as they slowly built up trust and things. But…”

They nod as I trail off. “But not you.”

“No. Even if mine was like his.” I huff. “More… like Rinetaal seems to lash out as a form of communication. Like one of us growling to be left alone or… or shouting at someone to be quiet. In our minds a sharp thought can hit as hard as a slap to the face.”

“But yours doesn’t strike with careless annoyance.” Aceso states. Just… so obviously her and so easily understanding this more than anyone but my fellow Maktaba or… maybe another Sun Spoken could.

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“No. It uses teeth.” I growl and carefully adjust to move from their touch and embrace. Not… not wanting to even risk agitating and triggering a glyph. Especially while talking about this.

“Is always like before. Trying to smother me. No words. No communication. Just… a desire to drown the girl I am.”

“I’m so sorry.” Ina looks to me with a mix of worry and protective anger. “I… Can we help?”

“Not with this. I don’t think. Is mostly them running tests and seeing if there are ways to like… communicate that don’t let them be so fucking loud and hurtful.” I sigh and give her a pretty pitiful smile. “And me… kinda being useless.”

Kque leans around them to eye me pointedly. “Jevy… You are not useless. You’ve been the one to figure out half the calculations and inscriptions. With Kurindan themselves doing the other half.”

Yeah, things only I need. The only one of us to not be able to exchange simple fucking words or thoughts with their Maktaba.

I don’t say that, of course. But Kque knows, and reads me pretty easily. Ina and Aceso do as well. Move like they're gonna shuffle over and say really sweet and aggressive things about how amazing they insist I am.

But… a hoot and toot stops them.

By the time I twist about, Lule’s head is already curled over the railing of the carriage and hovering near my face. Tilted so a big eye is locked on mine.

Be nice to yourself, bestest mother. I almost feel the big floofball growl at me. Can’t help but… but reach up and pull to nuzzle him. He accepts with a soft trill and hoot. Especially as I give him a good handful of scrutches before he pulls away and resumes his happy trot beside our carriage.

By the time I turn back Aceso has pulled Kque into a good side snuggle. Smiling gently while chuckling. “Listen to your big child, love. He’s the wisest and most perceptive of us all.”

“Yeah…” I mumble and look down. Speak the truth I’ve kept unspoken to the others and even my Kque. “Just… I don’t think we can do it this way. Communicate through the Glyphs without mine acting like it always has. Kurindan would come in quickly to try and stop it but… not… not before it… it would…”

Try to smother me. Like always.

A hand reaches out to touch the tips of my fingers in silent offer. Look up to find Ina carefully whispering. “Then let’s find another way. No compromises here. Right?”

“No. Course not.” I reply and shake my head. “Yeah. Just… hate that. We’ve put a lot into this. Hate to scrap all that research and start over.”

“Everyone’s different.” Kque murmurs while adjusting to sit closer. “And we’re not scrapping it. Even if none of our work help Athem and Rinetaal, which it does, the… the looking taught you a bunch about the stardust inside. How they laid it and stuff.”

Can’t help but nod and agree with her on that.

None of us remember the… the procedure. The one that filled me with the Maktaba and burned away everything from before. And the how of it isn’t kept inside any of us either. So we had to go through the notes Ina got and kinda work backwards. Try to find the whys behind the placements. Which… Both Kurindan and Rinetaal were able to begin helping us work through.

“You have us here now, and a long Path ahead. No distractions, Arudian politicking, or stupid cunts to take all our time.” They promise, voices entwined and spun together in a harmony. Softer than before but… almost more real. More intentional. “Just tell us what you need from us. Knowledge, magic, or just… our perspectives or attention. And it’s yours. Anytime. Everything else can wait.”

I scoot to lean into their side at that. “I have some ideas. Most… Well, all scare me.”

“More than what we’ve seen Thodep and Athem do when their Maktaba talk directly through the Glyphs?” Kque asks.

I… think on that for a bit. As we watch the city slip past us. The blizzard is still pretty thick but… the snowfall is less than it was. Letting us look out and watch the big pretty glimmering buildings covered with gemstone engravings. But... more than anything...

All the little new creatures sleeping almost out of sight. All oddly shaped but really gorgeous and perfect and... and considering their new lives. Exploring the world and hopefully finding new possibilities. The Zeridii who've left their dream to claim glimmering Gemstone shapes.

“I wouldn’t say... more.” Are the words I eventually let pour out. “Just… In different ways. I’ve basically been doing a worse version of what we did with the Dreamstone. Getting better at locking it out of my life until eventually only these Glyphs really agitate and give it the ability to hurt me.”

Such a pained expression tears across Ina’s face at that. So clearly taking that idea and… and applying it to the new way that they are. Probably realizing how horrid and messy it would be. Especially if all this happened super early on in Ina being claimed as Aceso’s Sun Spoken. How much it would hurt and how much she and us would have lost if that happened.

“I’m sorry. I just…” Can’t help but look away in shame at how stupid and carelessly that all came out. “Aceso, you’re nothing like this thing. And neither are Kurindan or Rinetaal. Mine is… I don’t know how to explain it. Other than almost thoughtlessly vicious. When it was in control it barely tolerated… my… the… the bitch who owned me. And… and before you fucking ask, yes. Yes I did try to talk with it. Especially after I left this place before. I wanted to… We…”

Don’t notice tears until a gentle finger reaches up to catch some, drawing me back up to gaze into those concerned eyes.

“I’ve grown past what I was. Have been seduced into being better.” Aceso says so gently. “Please, share as you will. Don’t worry how your words might… make us uncomfortable. You will not muddle my love for you.”

Nod and try to give her and them what I can.

“I… Was still waking up.” I stammer. “Pulling myself free of it and the… the cravings it has for the exploratory crystals. She… the bitch who hurt us was gone. And Kque had already pulled Lule and me into walking the Paths with her and Tasii and Yrelia. And I just… It was the only one who understood what happened. Couldn’t tell… tell Kque or the others anything. Didn’t have the words. But it was there when I had to hide from her inside my own body and… and I know it… it got hurt a lot. Wanted to help it and maybe get help back but… but the first thing it did was try to bury me again! And… and later w– with… Wh– when…”

The deep heaving breaths I fall into then are… messy and stupid and ugly and annoying. Something I wish could feel freeing but can’t because of how easy reckless shakes or motions or even dribbling fucking tears could touch a Glyph and set to dredge up the Maktaba inside.

“Only Kque knew to avoid them. My Glyphs. E– especially when snuggling or trying sex things. Didn't really explain why until after you joined our group. B– but I… I didn’t tell Yrelia about them.” I whisper. “Stupid of me. Not her fault. She was being sweet and sexy and… and I was dizzy with all of her. Kque and Tasii off and were together for the day and it was just us in this really nice room a client paid for her and… and I couldn’t not fall into her. Fr– forgot to s– say anything and… and she thought their sensitivity was just… j– just…”

Kque moves then. To kneel in front of me just as we feel the first little dip onto the road that winds down the edge of the mountain.

“It’s okay.” My first lover whispers. “Not your fault either. I… I should have mentioned something to her. Especially knowing you’d both be alone and how much she was coming to adore you.”

“I’m sorry. I… I almost ruined everything for all of us.” I whimper softly. “Was so stupid.”

“Jevy… No.” Kque presses, squeezing my fingers. “You were hurting. For years and years being hurt. Only just then finding people who didn’t want you to only find more of that. We all knew then, and wanted to help. But… just… didn’t know how. But that wasn’t you being stupid, or us being stupid. Just… ignorant. None of us knew how to communicate things very well.”

“I… I mean…”

Can’t tell her she’s wrong. Because she’s not. I like… wish I could have told them all of everything before. Tell them the rest now.

Find the words to tell them what it was like to be the broken girl treated like… like worse than a tool. How I was just an inconvenient part of myself to The House of Stara Noc’s Heiress. Body and even my fucking thoughts just… a thing for them to demand the Stardust communicate through.

How anytime I might bubble up or take over for a bit she’d spot it and threaten and hurt and…

“Jevy?” Kque calls, sharp enough for me to know that she’s worried.

“I’m…”

About to say 'okay'.

Almost laugh at how much of a lie that would be.

Both to them... and myself.

“I’m not okay.” I whisper through the tears. “It’s not waking up right now but everything inside hurts and… and I want you all to know why but… but the words don’t… I can’t…”

Trail off as a sob steals the rest.

“Hey hey hey. It’s okay. We have all the time you need.” Ina and Aceso promise. “Any words you have. Anytime. Or just… tears. Love. As many as you need to shed.”

I decide to take them up on that. Cry out my fucking eyes in their arms so that… that maybe I can force out the rest after I’m spent. Let exhaustion dull the aches before trying to start trying to see if they can use their songs to pull us into a Dream with them and... and my Maktaba.