CW:

Deadnaming (it's like.... blocked out BUT it's implied sooooo. yeah. mhm.

ALSO implications of taking a person back to a breeding temple

Fuuuck my head hurts so bad this morning. The Ice cold headache from the Cultivation wakes me before even my leg’s pains. I don’t even bother untangling myself from my two lovers before I’m humming out a soft yet firm melody into the World Song to stop the fucking pain please!

My throat is better, still sore, but nothing like the rough wheezing thing from last night. I try to soothe my lovers back into rest with a few pecks and gentle caresses, and even succeed at seducing them back into cuddles as my song fades.

But eventually we’re up and about, showered and ready before the sunrise and sitting enjoying a breakfast while I explain the day, my plans, and my fears. Oh and I guess the attack I just kinda dealt with.

Huh. Weirdly while that freaks my lovers the fuck out, I just… shrug it off.

“I only got hurt because I poured too much Amwella into it.”

I… I almost didn’t share the song I sang before that though. And... and how it was composed from my sadness and feelings of… of betraying my fifth lover.

They comfort me, reassure me endlessly that I’m doing the right thing. But… I… I don’t… I can’t… UGH! This wouldn’t be difficult if She was JUST a monster. A mouthless thing like those nightmares. Something I could feel fine about slaughtering.

But... She’s not. If anything, sharing a dream with Her makes me feel so small. Barely a sapling to a being so old and filled with life and love and… well yes a whole bundle of problems.

But… Still a person. One I’ve come to love and cherish.

So eventually the sun has risen, and we head upstairs.

The inn is packed, but the two women tower above the others even while sitting. Two… oh… well… fuck. I guess she brought Zigdara along.

Great.

I take a deep breath, harden my resolve with memories of Yrelia’s training, and despite an absolute cold glare from Zigdara as she spots me I approach with a tired smile. But… then her eyes find my cane and maimed leg and… well she doesn’t stop glaring, but it mixes with a good bit of confusion.

“Good morning.” I say to them.

Emarial’s core is still a little painful to be near, but with the table between us and some mental prep I can handle it better than last night.

Emarial stands, “Thank you for coming and… I’m sorry for yesterday at–”

I pull free from Yrelia’s supportive grip and hold up a hand. “It’s fine. You’ve… I can only imagine how hard this all is for you. Six months without sleep is…”

She grimaces as I let the words trail off. “Please sit, we can order a meal and… discuss things.”

“We’ve already had breakfast, but… um…” I turn back, and Jevita approaches Emarial. Dressed in many many layers.

“Hello again.” She gives the big woman a wave. “I, um… we met yesterday. My big child got really excited and kinda snuggled you a bit.”

Emarial’s eyes widen, then dance between us, focus a bit on the place where my Dream stone hides. “Jevita, correct?”

“Mhm, I never met you back in Deledita and didn’t recognise your name until Ina told us you were here.”

Emarial seems to relax at that a bit, but only flits her eyes back to ask. “And… what you shared with me?”

Jevita looks at me, and I give her a nod.

She sighs, “I was talking about Ina, yes. And… Well I wanted to thank you for your advice. It really helped, and… I wanted to ask that you help her. If you can.”

Emarial nods. “Of course.”

Jevita looks back to me again. One final question. I nod again, then turn to face both big ladies. “I didn’t have the hands for this, so I asked Jevita to carry them for me.”

With that, Jevita steps forward and lays a bundle on the table between us, then pulls back. I give her a careful hug while murmuring a soft thanks. Then she leaves to go back to be with Lule.

When I turn back Emarial wears a confused expression, while Zigdara’s simmering anger seems to approach a boil as she stares down at the oddly book shaped bundle.

“I… I wanted to give you this. A gift, and hopefully an end to your journey.” I step forward and push the bundle farther across the table toward them while I sit. Try to exude a calm that might help keep things… well hopefully polite.

Zigdara reaches forward and unfolds the soft protective cloth, revealing the two journals beneath. One fairly new, the other old and weathered. Her fury snaps, and her eyes dart up to bore into mine.

She growls. “What have you done with — !?!”

She speaks an old dead name. One that tears my soul and hurts. But a few deep breaths and I’m able to recollect myself enough to look back up to meet her anger.

“They’re free.” I whisper with a bit of a... well it's a smile but... not quite?

That jerks her to a stop. Even Emarial tilts her head in confusion. Zigdara’s face flickers with something… a… a hope?

So... Yeah. She had assumed I was dead.

“Take me to him. Now.” Her hand seems to unconsciously reach toward a bag sitting on the empty chair beside her. And I spot the handle of what I remember to be her bronze blade.

Fuck. I… If Zigdara wasn’t here I might not have to…

But she is. And the journal would always make her hunt me. Even without Emarial’s help. It’s better we do this on foreign soil and in a public place.

“You were involved?” Emarial murmurs, hurt and some anger tinting her voice. “But… that would mean you weren’t claimed outside Deledita. When would–”

“Sit, and I’ll explain.” I motion to placate them. “Before you leave this place you will know everything I can tell you, and more than you could dream of.”

That… fuck Zigdara’s anger is struggling to not just fall apart into a confused muddle. While Emarial’s is still deciding if it should flare up. I wonder what they were expecting? Some scary Sun Spoken bent on killing? Or… maybe some Arudian Cultivation specialist stealing one of their rare breeding males?

I turn back to my lovers, who still stand worried and tense behind me.

“Tasii, could you go order us some drinks? It's so busy I don’t think the owner would get to our table otherwise.”

Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

She looks like she wants to protest, but nods and steps off. Then I turn to my other two lovers. “Sit, please. You’re making this harder by acting like we’re about to get jumped by some angry Cretilla.”

Yrelia smiles and slips into the chair beside me. “Honestly? I’d take one over these two.”

Kque takes a second longer, but follows my first lover's example and moves into the chair next to me. When I turn back Emarial has lowered herself, but Zigdara has remained standing while she opens the newer of the two books.

“What’s this?”

“Our translations of the tome.” I lean my cane against the table and slide my hand into Kque’s lap so she can hold it. “The journal is enchanted with Amwellian, but the original text is Arudian. We’ve been working to decipher the thing since I left the temple. Honestly... It’s kinda a mess of nonsense.”

“So you were there? In his chambers?” Emarial’s expression has turned from careful apology to cold regard. “You know what happened to him?”

Deep Breath.

“Of course, because I… I was that person. The breeding male. There was a droplet of sap from the Weaver’s wood in that journal. It changed me. Gave me this perfect body I always wanted.”

Neither says anything. Zigdara still seems very confused, while Emarial looks like she’s about to… I don’t know.

I’m not sure how quickly they’ll believe this.

So I press forward. I tell them about that night. About how She would have killed me, but instead changed and claimed me. About how I always hated my body, and ran because I thought they would take it from me.

I laugh at it now, and can’t help the smile I feel as I finish with how I found my lovers.

Tasii returns with a few drinks soon after I’ve started, and now stands just behind me. Supportive hands on my shoulders. Occasionally knitting and helping to work out stress and anxiety knots.

Zigdara’s slumped down into her chair at some point. Drums fingers on the table in… well a mix of disbelief and annoyance and heavy compilation.

Emarial just… stares. Face blank now. Eyes… haunted.

“She’s like…” Kque quietly adds. “Like an opposite to an Arudian male, if you know what that is.”

Analogous to Monsters and Parasites? I have to smother the anger those words bring.

Zigdara snorts, but nods. “I do. But… I can’t just accept this. It would be a convenient lie to drive us off.”

I sigh, “Okay then. I really didn’t want to get into the weeds here, but…”

And then I get to embarrass myself for the next hour talking about Lyttoral temple things. Yrelia tries not to chuckle at a few of my more… salacious confessions. But I’m careful to point out the details and subtleties. The little things that even a temple servant would struggle to know and remember. Even some stories about Hitorra.

And eventually… Zigdara cracks. Eyes regard me with… Ugh. I don’t like that look. Give me back the fucking anger over whatever this is!

She murmurs the old dead name again, and I flinch so hard my cane nearly clatters to the floor.

“That’s… Please don’t call me that.” I whisper, looking down at the table and letting my hair fall to cover my pain. “My name is Inamatorii. Or Ina. And I’m a woman of the Paths.”

Zigdara winces, eyes rolling over me with such fucking sadness. She believes me. “You’re still a child of the Lyttoral temples. With… with duties and–”

I snort. “Yeah, I can't really do those anymore. The change is full, Zigdara. I even… um… well I even bled a few times now. So… I guess all those parts work too.”

The memory makes Yrelia giggle. “Oh that was fucking adorable. Our Ina woke up scared and crying and terrified that she’d broken something or gotten sick. Turns out your temple did a really bad job explaining girl body things.”

I sigh and mumble. “Wasn’t adorable.”

Kque squeezes my hand. “It kinda was. You should have seen your face as we told you this could be a monthly thing without certain herbs and treatments.”

Zigdara face is pained but… nodding. “You should still come back with me.”

That makes me shuffle uncomfortably. I’d expected her to… to just… be angry and… and focus more on trying to want me changed back. Not… not want to bring me back. “Why? I’m usele… I mean, I’m one of thousands and thousands of fertile girls.”

Zigdara shakes her head. “No. You… Maybe you’re change could be–”

“I’m not letting anyone try and change me back.” The World Song cracks as I snarl the words, all polite training gone as quick as a viper's strike. “And I will fucking hurt anyone who tries it.”

Everyone flinches at my anger. Except Yrelia. She just takes my other hand. Kque and Tasii recover quickly too. Movement was just a reflex to a loud noise. Emarial though… her eyes narrow, and she seems to lean forward. Like…

Like she was ready to move and intercept my anger.

Zigdara raises both hands, “I… I don’t doubt the powers of the Weaver, nor am I implying such a thing should be attempted. But…” She pauses, considering how best to phrase something she knows I will hate. And as is her nature, the woman decides to just… be direct. “Your life was sworn to the temple and the people of Lyttoral. And even though it was originally as one of our breeding males, your new form might have certain properties that can benefit us all.”

A beat.

“Eh?” I can’t help the sound of confusion from escaping my lips. “I… What? I don’t understand what you're saying? I’m a girl Zigdara, I mean, I always have been. But now I have a girl's body to go with my soul. What the fuck could I even offer Lyttoral?”

Emarial speaks up then. “No. Zigdara. I told you of the Weaver’s… biases against men. She will hurt Ina if you try and have her lay with your males.”

Become... what? Like... A breeder again?

Oh.

OH FUCK THAT!

“But–”

“No.” I growl. “I spent every day of my life as nothing more than… than a fucking thing. I will not go back to that. I will fight just as hard to keep my freedom as this body.”

“Please, —-” Zigdara winces at my fury when she begins to say that old dead name again. All her anger is gone now. All that remains is a desperate hope. “I mean, Inamatorii. Ina? You said that your name is now? It’s… I don’t recognize its history or meaning, but it's a beautiful name.”

I look away, trying to recover my composure. “Thank you. It means To Love and Be Loved.”

My lovers shuffle a little closer. I… I don’t know if I ever told them that?

“But... What of your Sangoma?” Zigdara is pleading now. “You’re her youngest! She doesn’t expect to see another child born and gifted to the temple before her time has ended. Anguish and pain are all she knows while she thinks you dead or worse.”

Memories. Oh so many. Good and bad, horrible and kind. I’m crushed between them as unexpected tears bubble up at that final memory of my temple mother.

Of the terror and worry and fear on her face that final night as I fled.

“I… I can’t.” I shake my head and wipe at the tears. “And even if I could I… She’ll hate me for this.”

“She’d rather you be this than what we feared.”

I glare back up through tears, “Just barely better than dead, huh? Well… Fuck you too.”

She huffs, feels my resolve solidify. “That’s… I’m sorry. That was poorly worded. She will be overjoyed to see you alive and well and–”

“And happier than I ever could be under her care.” I let my voice take on a harsher tone a I cut her off. “I’ve offered you and her closure, and Emarial relief from this. No more, no less.”

“Ina, I–”

“The rest of my business is with Emarial.” I cut her off. “You can stay if you're quiet and keep our secrets. Otherwise, fuck off.”

A little of the old anger sparks, but… she nods.

So I turn to the larger woman. “I need your help. If you’re still willing to give it.”

Emarial just… stares. Eyes searching. “I… She really looked into your spirit? Saw your nature and… changed you? All of you?”

I sigh, patience worn thin and emotions a little more than raw. “Yes, I told you that already. She was about to kill me, but stopped as she scoured my memories. She’s a cruel cunt, but… She freed me.”

“And your name?”

“What that fuck is wrong with you?” I bristle. “Is it so hard to believe that I want that old dead name to–”

“Not that one, your new one. Inamatorii.” She cuts me off with a clipped tone, “Where did you even hear that name to begin with?”

I pause, confused. “I… I don’t remember. Must have been in an old book of mine. My lovers helped me pick out my new one on that first night out of a dozen or so ideas I shared. I liked that one the best.”

She’s shaking her head now. Like she’s trying to shed a... something. A cold worry needles at my thoughts. An odd detail of a horrid dream sparkles into perfect clarity.

Who do you think gave you that name?

“I… Emarial?” I press. “What about my name worries you?”

Her face turns a shade paler, eyes bore into the table. “It… Zigdara’s right. It’s a good name. It suits you. Just… it’s not a name from our time. I’ve only heard it in old stories.”

“O…okay. Who was she?”

“One of the oldest Sun Spoken. We think.” She steadies herself. “But… You said you needed my help?”

I look down. Try to ignore the prickling worry at her words. “Yeah. Um… I need you to teach me how you stay awake. So I can pace out the use of the stone I showed you.”

She nods, “I can do that. But… Ina, it costs a lot of Amwella.”

“Then I guess it’s a good thing I’m an amazing Hetaera.”

She huffs. “That will help keep you from burning through your Wellspring too quickly. I’m not sure how long it will take to teach you this. But… my time here is suddenly very… empty, and I’m willing to spend all of it making sure you’re safe.”

I’m about to try and thank her but–

“As will I.” Zigdara speaks up.

I turn a glare on her as Emarial winced. “No. Go home.”

But her face is stoic as the granite of Arudia. “You are of our temple, I want to ensure that you remain well. At least until you leave this city.”

I want to spit bile at her over her unspoken other reason. And to see if I can’t convince you to return with me.

“Fine.” I huff. “But I’m going to be within the Academy like… every day. I’m sure Emarial can go wherever she wants, but you can’t. And I won’t have you trying to force your way in or spewing my secrets. This place is a fucking nest of snakes. I really don’t want them to find out what I am, or was.”

She nods, “Of course. I’d… If you have the patience for it I’d like to hear of your travels, and of the life you’ve made for yourself.”

That jerks me into a confused stop. “Why?”

“Because, Inamatorii.” The way she… she says my name then sends a little flutter of happiness through me that I can’t understand. “I’d like to give your Sangoma any peace I can, once I return to Lyttoral.”

I huff, annoyed but… guilt prickles at me, “I… Maybe at nights or mornings, between my studies at the Academy if I feel up to it. But… no promises.”