CW:

Jevita POV!!! Horrid flesh bindings, talk of loss/death of personality, talk of abusive Headmates. Mention of cremation of the dead.

“Fucking Matron’s crusty fucking asshole!!!” Are the first words she speaks, and I can’t help but just… stare at the girl.

Tired and terrified at what that could mean.

This second duenna to the Maktaba is still like… pretty wrapped up. But we just got her face and an arm free and despite my hatred at her needing to waste magic on this spiteful act, Ina hummed some magical Songwork to help stop the bleeding that would otherwise force us to touch and fiddle at the sensitive glyphs.

A little giggle and snort comes from my side, and I look over to see Kque trying so hard to cover her mouth. Eyes tired and body slumped, despite the three cups of overstimulated fudgebrew we’ve drank.

The girl tilts her head back to see us, and such a bright, but also exhausted grin beams from her to me. “Thanks SO fucking much for like… getting this shit off!”

“We um… still have a while to go still but…” I stammer out. “You’re welcome.”

She looks me up and down, getting to take in my own glyphs. “I can deal. This is already WAY better than I was before.”

Kque and I talked often and very deliberately in the hours it took me to understand this wretched family's method for re-binding and punishing this girl. Telling her multiple times about how she’s free and we’re trying to help and… and how I’m like her. Imbibed with the Maktaba, but living as the girl I want to be.

“Good I… It could get worse though, as the um… the Maktaba wakes up.” Kque murmurs, expression sobering. “But… we can pause and help if things get overwhelming.”

The girl’s smile doesn’t waver. “That’s alright, it'll give me something to do to distract from the pain of it.”

I sort of… jolt to a halt. “What? No we… I– We can keep you centered! Stop you from falling into it.”

She quirks her head, all confused. “Huh? Falling into what?”

Kque scoots up beside us. “The Maktaba. We don’t want you to get drown by it. Begin to lose yourself.”

“Oh. I mean yeah I might get a bit lost in the stacks, but… I’d rather spend my time reading than dealing with the pain. We can split like… who’s paying attention in case you need us for anything.”

Everything just… stops. None of that like… makes sense. At all.

“I mean sure, it’ll be grumpy at having to deal with the flesh bindings.” She continues without noticing my spiral. “These suck like a Gemleech, and honestly they’ll know more about this than me. Will be happy to let me enjoy the lack of pain dropping into the stacks will bring.”

“It… it cares about you?” I whisper.

A pause, then her expression does shift. Worry and confusion as she looks me up and down. “Um... Yours doesn’t?”

My paling stare must tell her everything my lips can’t.

No. No it doesn’t.

“Oh. Fuck.” She kinda… stammers. “WHAT?!? That… That’s…”

“Jevita.” Kque moves to sit in front of me.

Wh– why even… but… but… how’s that possible!?! It’s not a person. It… it was broken and ground down and shoved in my stupid fucking head and has to feel all the pain and despises the pleasure and warmth and… and only wants to sit in perfect stillness and–

“Jevy!” Kque says with more force.

I… I was supposed to be helping THEM. But… but the first gave up years ago and the second… this second girl she… she’s… her Maktaba cares about her? How… Once we get these bindings off she’ll be fine! Better… Even better than either of us!!!

“How?” I whisper, look up to stare past Kque into the girl’s eyes.

She shuffles as best the bindings will let her, face suddenly a touch worried as she sees my expression, “I… Um… How what?”

“Jevy.” Kque fights not to hiss, moves to block my view even more. Very nearly takes up my hands. “Stop. We need to finish.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. Fight back the tears.

“Please, Kque I… I need to know. Even… even if it’s just a little. I… Please.”

A pause, then she murmurs. “Okay. Just... please be careful?”

Deep breaths.

“How did you make it care about you? About… to stop hurting you and trying to… to…” I swallow. “Stop trying to kill you?”

She takes a sharp breath. “Oh.”

A long pause.

“I… um…” She grimaces. “It never um… Like it overdid things a few times but…”

This Maktaba never tried to kill her.

“Fuck.” I whisper so quietly.

“It honestly helped me, like… figure myself out. Not much survived the infusions but… Shared the catalog and even kept the scattered mess of this body's old memories. Kept me safe from the Matron and Heiress a few times even.”

I stare down at the glyphs on my hands and… and remember.

How… how despite the demands of that cruel bitch I… I wanted nothing more than to embrace with joy the library they’d given me. Didn’t even mind not remembering who this body had been! First entered the big amazing mind palace with joy and excitement and… and…

Then it buried me.

Dropped an eternity of books down to crush the girl wandering and humming an old tune she couldn’t remember where she first heard it. Took years and Lule finding me and Kque naming me to even try and dig her out. To… to even… even…

Kque’s shaking me, calling out a name. My name. Both the long and short of it.

“I’m…” I whisper, looking up but avoiding eye contact. “It’s… I’m me. Just… just… mine tries to kill me. Worse actually. It wants to smother and drown me so… so it doesn’t have to share a body with me.”

“Wh– what?” I hear the girl sputter.

I feel the tears already falling as I rise from my chair by the bed, pulling from Kque’s touch. “It succeeded for a while, and it still tries if I let it. Both by… by overwhelming me with the archive or… or just… filling me with its disgust for the flesh or–”

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“But… WHY!?!” The girl nearly shouts. “It… That’s so STUPID!!! That just… it hurts you both! It needs the people parts to… like… explore itself!”

“You’re not LISTENING.” I growl, not mad at her but… but… so FURIOUS. “It only puts up with the need for my flesh. But me? Who I am and what I want and… and the life I walk? No. It HATES that. Considers me… Useless and stupid and wrong and… and it wants nothing more than to see me broken and…” My face is a mess of tears that makes it impossible to see anything more than Kque and this girls’ blurs. Nothing of their expressions. “Broken. A… a slave or… or a tool. Nameless.”

“Fuck that.” The girl spits, wriggles a bit against her bonds. “That’s stupid. Fuck. We… Look. Get us out and let us like… let me ask mine if we can help. I think my Archive can reach out to yours and we can figure this out.”

I jolt to a stop. Whisper so quietly I worry she doesn’t hear. “I… You can do that?”

She nods, gives me a determined smirk. “Absolutely!!! When more of these are off we can like… properly have a talk with my headmate here and we can figure this out.”

A choking sob is all I can reply with, and it takes a long and big hug from Kque to help like… calm me down enough to continue removing the bindings from her.

“I… We didn’t get your name.” I ask as I move to a seal on the arm, figuring that releasing this would mean they can at least help remove the rest faster.

“Oh…” She kinda… stutters to a halt, and a few tears start to bubble up a bit. “Fuck. Yeah, I guess that’s what people do. They use names.”

“We can wait and help you find one.” Kque offers.

She shakes her head. “Naw, I’ve had a name I like for years. The Archive even uses it when it’s thinking in the right way. Just couldn’t share it with anyone. Much less expect anyone to ask. I’ve also like… changed it a ton.”

I can’t help but smile. “Yeah, I… I mean I’ve always liked Jevy, even since Kque here called me that all those years ago. And Jevita just… was kinda perfect when we grew it out to that.”

Kque smiles and takes my free hand in hers. “And it’s like we told Ina when she was looking to find a new name, you're welcome to try it out for a while. If you don’t like it you can find a new one.”

“Fuck.” She huffs, looking down and away as I work to peel away a long winding strip off her arm. “I… okay. Thanks.”

A long pause.

“Thodep.” She whispers. “Does that sound g–”

“Oh! That’s really pretty.” Kque immediately and accidentally interrupts. And from that I can’t help but smile as it kinda shows how genuine she is. How she’s not just… being nice. “Sorry.” She sputters a bit. “I interrupted.”

The girl’s little grin is such a perfect thing. Both so happy in a way that makes a few tears bubble and a good match to her growing blush.

“You’re fine, I just… Thanks.”

“You’re very welcome, Thodep. Can I ask what it means?” Kque asks after a pause.

“Oh um… It means like… It’s from a language that I don’t think is around anymore but… it means Little Archive or like… little keeper of knowledge. My Maktaba kinda already like… thought of me like that so…”

I can’t help but smile so painfully at that, having to stop and wipe away a few tears.

Her Maktaba even helped pick out a name for the girl it was melted into.

She pauses. “Sorry. I… I didn’t–”

“No. Thodep. Seriously.” I stop her. “You have no idea that… I mean you do but… Like… Yeah this hurts. To know that it was possible for a Maktaba to NOT hate their vessel. But… Fuck. I think…”

“There’s hope that it can change.” Kque whispers when I trail off.

I don’t know how to feel about that.

We all sit in silence for a while while we work. Then I finish this final part of this wrist and, with an oddly loud click, it pops free. Releasing an entire arm and shoulder of the bindings.

Thodep takes such a deep breath as a shiver runs through her as her muscles twitch and flex. “Oh… Oh fuck yeah! That… Wow, welcome back!”

We both pause in confusion.

“Thodep?” I ask, “Is everything alright?”

She takes another deep breath. “Yeah, yeah… better than how I started the night, that’s for sure!” And another, this one tinted with such a grin. “Yeah, they… you wanna like…?”

Oh. She… she’s talking to…

“Honestly you’d probably be a bigger help to them than me!” She murmurs not to us but… herself. Selves. “Want to take over for all this? Enough is unlocked to keep me occupied. If anything I’ll just… drift a bit. Enjoy the Apavartan Glades or… something.”

Apa… what? A Glade? In her mind palace? What… How is that possible? WHY is that possible!?!

“Your Maktaba is going to… to…” I struggle at the thought. The idea of… of her just… just letting it take over while she just… enjoys the Archive and… and…

“Yup. They’re gonna come out and help with all this. Unless you need more from me?” She tilts her head while continuing to flex her newly freed arm. “They understand these bindings and now that we have two free hands we can like… help and such!”

“Oh.” I nod carefully. “If… Will it be safe for you?”

“Totally and completely! We do this all the time!” She grins. “Ask for me if you need anything.”

And I get to watch as another feels the Maktaba bubble up and overtake them. I’d only asked once or twice, but Kque always explained it as like… watching a girl fight not to drown. But in something slow and malicious.

But for Thodep… it’s… not that. At all.

For the first few heartbeats she seems to just… focus. Take a collection of gradually more calm breaths before just… going a bit slack. The arm she couldn’t stop moving around stills. Like all her muscles are just… awaiting new directions. And then she twitches, eyes pop open, and it’s so clear from the new expression what’s arisen.

“This One greets you both, Jevita and Kquevaian.” It thrums in a tone so different from the girl we were just speaking with. It’s a thing of… of precise syllables and pronunciation. Emotionless but… not cold. Just… devoid of it. Eyes slowly and carefully move up and about the room, cataloging everything and nothing all at once.

“Hi.” Is all I can say as I stare into the roaming eyes of… of this thing that… that is like a sibling to the monster that blights my own body and soul.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Kque says in a tone of careful regard.

Probably seeing me stiffen as such acid writhes in my tummy.

Its eyes flicker to dart between us. Not like a person exploring another's expression and presence but… a thing of careful consideration. Like we’re just… two more books needing to be shelved among its stacks. No malice or annoyance just… pure logic and examination.

Such a shiver runs down my spine at that. Reminding me so perfectly of how my own Maktaba regards me every time our spirits touch. How… how it so quickly and efficiently marked me as foreign and horrid and wasteful and… and thrummed in fury at me like I was just some violation or blight in the home that is my mind.

“Before we begin the process of releasing this vessel from these bonds.” It cracks the silence. “This one would like to thank you for your efforts to free us. Both from the House of Kriksata, and these wretched Spirit Hooks.”

The first person we saved like… like they talked like a person. Sounding like I have for years and years. But this… this is… it’s like they’re a person. Even like this. Accepting the thought paths that come with our mind and just… thinking through them. Not overriding just… accepting them as part of itself. Even if the words seem a bit impersonal.

“Of course.” I’m barely able to manage in a very quiet voice. “But… Ina did most of the work.”

“Incorrect. She, this one guesses, possessed the political and personal motive to act on our behalf. But both were due to your support, efforts, and experiences.” A beat, then it's tone quiets with mine. “And this one would like to offer apologies and reassurances that we mean to keep to Thodep’s promises and assist you in parlaying with the Maktaba within you. This one’s shared catalog of unification should do much to entice it into reconsidering its classification of you.”

I have to take such a deep breath and look away as so many little memories and horrors of mine just… bleeding through now. “Okay.”

Kque lays a hand on mine, then rises, pulling me to follow. “C’mon.”

“Wh– what?” I stammer as the sudden shift kinda… jerks me out of some of the spiral.

“You're taking a break.” She replies simply, then turns to Thodep or… or their Maktaba or… whoever they are. “I’ll be back in a bit with drinks and food, and we’ll continue.”

They pause, then nod.

I blubber a bit. “B– but–”

“I’ve seen and helped enough that I think this one and I can handle things.” She replies simply as I’m pulled from the room and the door is shut.

“I… But… Are you sure?” I whisper.

“Yes.” She replies softly but… with the firm tone she uses when she’s tending to a wound.

Taking another deep breath I force myself to just relax and trust my first lover. “Okay.”

Then she pulls us through the mansion. Only finding Tasii and Quetic sitting and chatting.

“Oh hi!” Tasii and Quetic both sorta jump with a start at our entrance. “I… Is everything okay?”

“Honestly. Yes. But in ways that hurt.” Kque answers while moving me to sit on an open tool next to Tasii, then she moves about to get food.

“But… is it safe to leave them alone? Is the girl doing okay?”

I huff and glare off and away as I feel Tasii focus her attention on what must be a very obviously stupidly messed up me. End up just… slumping to lean into her easily accepting side hug. “Yeah. Better than I ever was.”

A long pause.

“How much better?” Tasii asks after neither Kque or I elaborate.

I lean into her a bit more. Focusing so much on her warmth and softness and strength. So… of course I bump and rub a glyph.

It hates that.

Bubbling up feelings of how WRONG this stupid flesh is overwhelm and smother and… and It’s only after thirty heartbeats that I realize my mouth is moving to my spiraling anger's tune.

“–STUPID fucking bitch of a CUNT! Gemstone FUCKING– Blizzard blighted, glimmering cluster of weeping STARSHITE!!!” I hiss and spit in two or five languages before having to stop and take a few deep panting breaths as I sit alone and trembling on my stool.

“Sorry.” Tasii murmurs, moving a hand closer and palm up in offer.

I take it and sigh. “Not your fault. I wasn’t paying attention.”

Kque moves to sit on my other side. Setting down a tray of bread and the stew they’ve been brewing today alongside a mug of glimmer wine. “Is there anything else you’d like?”

I sigh and shake my head. “Too tired and just… angry to eat.”

“You should anyway.” Momma Quetic offers, moving to slide her seat to sit across from us. “Give your mind and teeth something else to gnash on.”

I can’t help but just… shiver and relent under the weight of their love. “Okay.”

Eating doesn’t turn off my brain. But… It helps me chew on the problem of my own anger.

“You should go back to them.” I murmur after a few small bites.

Kque shrugs, caressing the side of my neck where no Glyphs sit. “I will. But first I need to make sure you take care of yourself.”

I sigh and poke at the stew with the spoon she gave me. Can’t help but… but even be mad at how good this is. How even after a few bites the warmth is filling me up and the flavor is SO distracting.

“Yeah… Thanks Kque.” I take another small bite after blowing off some of the heat. “I’ll… I’ll talk some things out with Tasii.”

“Okay. But I promised them food and drinks first so I’ll be here for a bit to help.” Then she rises and moves over to prepare a meal for herself and the… the Maktaba we left back in the other room.

“It’s… Kque’s right. It’s really good.” I nibble on the bread and give Tasii’s hand another squeeze. “Turns out this girl’s Maktaba is really nice. It likes her. Even helped her pick out a name and… and probably hid her personhood from the fucks who hurt her.”

A few beats, and Tasii gets it so quickly. “Oh… oh Jevita.” Then she pulls me into the best side hug she can as I start to shake.

“And… and like… she’s… they… they’ve promised to try and help me with mine.” I whisper through the budding ugly sobs I feel coming. “And… and that’s all wonderful! Better than we could have hoped for! But… but that… it means… I… I’m going to have to… to…”

To face the thing that’s tried to drown me for over a decade. Almost two now, if I’m being precise. And… and…

In a flash, I see Thodep and her Maktaba and… and how happy they look. How easy she talked about it like it was such a close friend. That, more than anything, sets my teeth on edge. The idea of getting my spirit close to… to the fucking monster lurking in the stacks.

Kque’s at my side now. Joining in the hug. “It’s okay. We… we’ll take it slow. One step at a time. You only need to accept what you’re comfortable with.”

“B– but… I… Wouldn’t that be so stupid though?” I whimper into my lovers. “For me to… to not take this chance to live better? To turn something that… that tries to… to… to hurt me. All the time, and make it stop? Try to…”

It’s so hard to say it. To even like… mention the fucking idea of being friends with that thing!!!

“Jevita…” Tasii whispers, my name a beacon in the storm of terror and self-hatred. “You’re under no obligation to make peace with anyone or anything that’s hurt you. Especially not like this thing has.”

“I… what?” I whisper.

Kque kisses at the hand still holding my spoon. “Exactly. Honestly, I’m hoping to like… fuck. I don’t…”

I turn to her, find her looking down and away as she trails off. “What? Hoping to what?”

She purses her lips, then turns up to meet my gaze. “I want to ask Thodep and her Maktaba if there is a way to suppress or even remove it. Give you real peace and freedom from the thing inside you.”

“Kque that’s… there’s no way. Not without the person dying and like… them fishing the stardust from the ashes after you burn the body.”

She takes up my hand, kissing it again without removing her gaze from mine. “I know. I was going to ask them while you rested. Because I don’t think there is a way either and didn’t want to get your hopes up. But… Tasii’s right. And if anything might know how to help you get the freedom you deserve, it’s them. You’ve always known there is knowledge in yours you couldn’t access.”

She’s right. Oh fuck she… this… could this work? Even just like… like suppress and dulled glyph sensitivity would be so AMAZING!

I shake my head.

She’s right. They could either say no or not have it or… or all manner of things. I CAN’T let myself hope too much for this.

“Alright. But… I want to be there when you ask them.”