CW:

JEVITA CHAPPY!!!! Talk of personality death and fleeting memories. Headmates abusing you. Sealing away headmates and/or cutting them out of head. Missing eyes and fear of past threats of removing them. Talk of Quelekita rejecting an egg and possibly breaking it. Worry about child's death if you die.

“Um… hi.” I say stupidly as I shuffle into the room awkwardly, Kque at my side.

Thodep and Athem turn up from the mess of open books, scattered food, and otherwise clutter of the space they’d claimed. Fingers sort of… not like necessarily holding hands? But close and keeping contact. Thodep looks over while Athem just kinda… perks up. Eyeless sockets tilting toward me.

I… I suppress a shiver behind a hopefully nice smile. At… at the old threats said flippantly about the things that could be taken from me if I tried to be the person I wanted to be.

“Oh hey, Jevita! Kque.” Thodep says with an easy and… maybe excited grin? “Haven’t seen you in a bit, how’ve you been?”

“Good.” Kque replies softly.

“Eh… busy. But… I was wondering if we could eat with you both till Ina gets back?”

Thodep nods, but does glance over to make sure Athem is nodding and murmuring softly. “Sure.”

We move to complete a little square with one of us at each corner. Setting the little steaming mug I brought carefully away from any books or journals. Can’t help but take in the symbols and letters and all sorts of odd writings and bumps brumbled into the pages for them both to read.

“So, um… How’ve you two been?” I ask, looking up between them.

Thodep doesn’t stop smiling, but she pointedly doesn’t speak up first, as opposed to before. She instead looks over to Athem and waits for him while giving one of his fingers a little squeeze.

He waits three entire breaths before speaking up. Voice different from the last time I’d talked with him. A bit… deeper? Less careful. “I’ve been… alright. Today. Rinetaal is calm. So the gaps between us are soft.”

Rinetaal? Tasii didn’t mention that he'd found a name for the Maktaba inside him.

I nod, then feel stupid for doing so. “That’s good. I’m glad. Eh…” Look to Thodep.

She smirks and shrugs. “Kurindan is close and watching. We’re just comparing notes and sharing stuff.”

“Stuff?” Kque asks.

“Mhm. Lots of the favorite parts of my Archive. Seeing what we have that Rinetaal doesn’t and the opposite, when it decides to share.” Thodep explains.

That makes sense. While the foundations of the different Maktaba are mostly the same, each family added their own stuff over the centuries.

“My Maktaba is… protective. Of itself.” Athem murmurs, hesitating like he’s expecting something. Then seems to let out a breath and calm.

I’m glad he can’t see my face. Must look pretty horrible from the way Thodep reaches over to grip my fingers and Kque reaches up to gently rub at my back. Both understanding just… just how much the idea of the spiteful anger of a Maktaba terrifies me.

“But we’ve gotten some good stuff. Traded knowledge it wants for lots of interesting things.” Thodep continues carefully.

I nod, remembering…

“Back before, when Kurindan was first freed, you said something about visiting a place called the Apavartan Glades. I… Can you tell me what you meant by that?”

I can tell that Kque is a bit tense but… she trusts Thodep. A lot, actually. To be careful and sensitive to possible topics that could hurt me, especially after her time helping Athem. And from what we talked about with Tasii over food last night… he’s dealt with way more of what I did than her.

“Mhm. Course.” She nods with a grin. “It’s… kinda my favorite place, it’s where Kurindan dumped me early on when things got hard. A spot within the Maktaba that I can rest and read and even like… add my own things. Daydream and such. It tends to always settle back to the way it was, this kinda… really really big place of shimmering backwards growing Gemstones. Not knowledge like books, or memories but… Maybe spots where ideas can form safely.”

I look down into the warm swirling liquid within my mug. Blowing gently on it while I listen and think back to… to the Archive within myself.

“That… sounds really amazing.” I murmur before any of them can worry. “The only place I feel kinda safe in was what I call The Stacks.”

“The Stacks?” Athem asks, tilting his head.

I shrug, and feel stupid. “It’s… Like a big library. One that loops back in on itself if you wander too far. It was the private collection of Stara Noc.”

“Oh. Yeah yeah.” Thodep nods. “That’s a good fucking name for that. Mind if I steal it?”

“Mhm. That’s fine. I… Um…”

Pause. Think back. Find nothing and sigh before taking a sip of just barely cool enough stew.

“What?” Kque prompts softly.

“Dunno why I call it that.” I murmur after swallowing.

Thodep huffs and shrugs. “Yeeeeah… Get that too. More than I’d like. Which… I mean I know Kurindan tries to help but… I’m not her and she’s not me. Even if this body was hers.”

“Huh?” I stare dumbly. Worried for a second that… that we’ve been calling her Maktaba it and they when she or her is what they would want.

But then I get it, and I can’t help but purse my lips before clarifying. “The girl you were? Before the um… Maktaba was infused?”

Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

She nods, leans back on both hands while adjusting a foot to touch Athem’s fingers and replace the connection they had. “Sometimes I feel her. Or… Pieces of her. Not even full memories but… connections.”

“Smells do the most.” Athem whispers.

“Exactly!” Thodep chimes with a smirk. “Sounds get drowned out too fast, and touch only triggered one to pop up and it dissolved really fast. But… catch a whiff of food I think her mum cooked, or the right scent of melting snow and slush? It’ll stop me in my tracks. Kurindan covered for me a lot when that happened. Kept our feet moving while I would either fight to remember or fall apart a bit.”

“Um… Mine do the same, but opposite.” Athem murmurs, louder and more confident. “Rinetaal pulls away when I remember the girl… no. The boy from before. Especially when body things flair. Dysphoria or… or the reverse.” He smiles and grips Thodep’s foot.

She grins at him, and Athem blushes like he can see it before huffing. “Stop it.”

“Didn’t say anything.” She whispers back.

“But you were thinking it, loudly.” He grumbles, but is smiling as he turns toward us, cheeks still burning. “She likes to tease me.”

“About what?” Kque asks.

“Mostly what a handsome man he’s grown to be.” Thodep answers.

“Oh. That’s cute.” Kque giggles. “Because you do. Especially now that we um… can see more of you.”

He was always wrapped in robes. Covering up as much of himself as possible. Admitted that he didn’t mind how it agitated his Glyphs if it meant he could let his Maktaba bubble up to take over.

“Just because…” He stops, sighs and squeezes her foot in an odd way.

A pause, and Thodep’s smile seems to glow. But she doesn’t say more.

So… not just the comfort of touch that he gets to control and ensure his Glyphs are safe. It’s like… a form of communication? A little private language? More than that?

“He wasn’t very far along in body changes when the deal was made.” Athem continues. “From the memories… I think this was him giving up. Hoping to… to stop feeling the pain of the wrong body or die during the failed infusion. But neither happened, and the changes kept going. And I know that. But… um… Thodep had to share things through words but eventually She and Kurindan even convinced Rinetaal to let them share what I look like. Through our Glyphs.”

He takes a deep breath, and none of us move while we watch his face twist at the memory. Which… It's easy for me because that idea scares me. I knew it’s like… possible. For our Maktaba to communicate through our Glyphs. I never had to do it and the Houses worried that the Maktaba might overshare or something. But it requires two people totally and fully letting the Maktaba do things. The Glyphs agitated and consuming us.

“And… and she’s right.” He huffs finally. “A part of me keeps saying that she like… what they sent me is wrong. Altered. But Rinetaal gets really upset when I think about a fellow Maktaba giving false information. So like… I can’t help but be shoved into believing that’s me and… it’s a lot. To face what I look like now. And be a little mad at the boy from before for like… giving up.”

Ina demanded the records on us but… well, turns out our pasts were scoured from all written places. And none of us lived at the Academy or could have family close. A demand of the Obelisks. Fuck. And fuck trying to talk to the fucks who did this to us. Trusting them to tell us anything useful.

I wince and look away. “Is… Is that what we did? Give up?”

He pauses at that, purses his lips before answering. “For me I… I think so. But Dysphoria is painful. So I get it. I’m just… not sure why others picked this.”

Kque shakes her head, takes up my free hand. “I don’t think it’s that simple, and even if it was… I think that you’d be sweet to the boy you were. Direct your anger at the system and people who made it hard for you to change or live well.”

“I agree.” Thodep nods. “Cause I know I’d just wanna give the little you a hug and help you feel safe and comfy as the changes happened.”

He winces a bit, but the squeeze he gives Thodep’s foot makes her smile soften.

“But…” I murmur after a few seconds. “I guess I wanted to ask things, try to like… be here. To both help if I can but also get help. Because I’m actually not even as like… Like mine doesn’t have a name, and I barely even see it as anything but a really scary storm I need to deal with sometimes. And I know we talked a bit about possibly looking for a way to separate us but…”

But Kuridan was very… something, about that idea. Very careful with the following words as they were spoken to me and Kque when I finally got the courage to ask near the end of the removal of the Flesh Hooks.

‘It is possible, but not advised. To separate a Spirit from a soul, especially ones so long mingled but also accepting of the act, would cause damage. This one would ask for the chance to speak openly with the Maktaba within you before such pathways are considered.’

Kque really didn’t like that. Wanted to push. But… we were all exhausted and could tell it was actually really worried about this question. So we set the topic to the side and focused on freeing them both.

Thodep’s smile doesn’t fall away, but does go a bit stiff. And even Athem seems to tense up.

“Sorry I just…” Deep breath. “I’m willing to listen. To communicate. To find out more. First with both of you and your Maktaba, then… we’ll see. But I won’t let it hurt or control me again. Not without biting the fuck back.”

“I think that’s more than fair.” Thodep nods. “Your body, your mind, your call. But… Um… So I only know the little you told me. And I guess I wanted to say that like… the Maktaba has been used. Hurt. And like… they really have had it bad too. I didn’t understand before. Why Rinetaal or yours hurt you. But after helping Athem I get it. At least a bit. The Houses really hurt them. Kept hurting them over hundreds of years. And while that’s not like… trying to excuse what it’s done, or will do, I just… wanted to make sure I shared that.”

That makes me look down, glare at my stew. “Yeah.”

A long pause, then Kque whispers softly. “Yeah?”

I huff, “So… in those first days. With Kque and Tasii and Yrelia on the Paths. Lule is who I focused on. He… The first thing about being a person I wanted was to be a good mother to him. So I made a point to talk with everyone else who we met with a Quelekita about how to do that. Learn everything I could. And… and it was all really good and wonderful. But… there was a story. Something that stuck with me through all these years.”

Never really talked about this before. Not to like… hide it. But because it didn’t seem to matter. And they all let me gather my words before I continue. Athem even like… scoots close. Offers a hand.

I gently entwine fingers with his, and continue. “It was mostly in warning to people who might want to like… see about if their Quelekita wants a baby. Because normally, and in the wild, Quelekita imprints on another chick at a young age and that’s that. They’re bonded for life. They will do everything together. But when a chick imprints on a human… well, they do everything but that. So if they want a baby you need to find another Quelekita like them that’s imprinted on another person. Then see if they like each other enough to mate. But that’s the easy part, apparently.”

Another pause, and I try to assure Athem with a squeeze while my voice goes a bit hollow. “Whichever of the two takes the egg doesn’t matter, only that the human and Quelekita can work together to keep the egg warm and safe. There are actually like… entire Nesting Grounds built for it. Especially here in Arudia. Because it’s a lot of work, even before the little one hatches. And trying to help them imprint on who you want can be tricky and really delicate. But… What I’m trying to explain is the terrifying occasion where the Quelekita that was supposed to take the egg, despises it. Either because the laying itself was hard or painful, or they don’t like the need to keep it warm. They either try to abandon it, or even crack it. Because they just… just see it as a source of pain. Not their child. A danger. And if their human doesn’t have the words or ability to calm or explain…”

I look up between Thodep and Athem, first bubbling of tears starting to blur my vision. “I… That’s how it hurting me feels. After finding out about both of yours, and hearing Aceso talk about what it's like to wake up in another person’s head and struggling to find yourself while also remembering past hosts who you might have loved. And mix that with… with how the Houses treat them? I get it. It makes sense. My Maktaba hates me because I’m just… the next person who was going to be used to hurt it.”

Thodep winces, while Athem nods.

“But… I can’t risk myself. Because if something happens to me, then… then Lule probably won’t make it. Quelekita don’t survive their imprinted partner’s death.” I very nearly growl, but not at them. “So I’m willing to try. Not like before, and not in ways that could make it easier for me to get hurt or smothered or… or worse. But I am willing to give it the chance it never gave me before asking Kurindan to cut it out.”