CW:

Discussions of loss of memory and possible personality death

I jerk up. “Matron Veletross!” I sort of squeak out, fumble at my cane as I try to rise in respect.

The Matriarch of the house of Rell pulls herself from the shadows beneath the nearby shelf like a terror from my worst nightmares. “Please dear, don’t bother rising.” She purrs as she struts over to my little alcove beneath one of the archways that hide beneath a great shelf.

I stop, sort of… carefully lower my cane back to where it rested. Reach for and wrap myself Yrelia’s training. “I… Thank you. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Her hair is done up in a marvelous braid of winding glimmering patterns, ears and even nose jeweled with gemstones of a deep cerulean that contrast well with her current smoldering eyes of deep red. And beneath it all is a dress of shimmering pearlescent silk inlaid with gorgeously enticing designs that flow around her perfect frame like water.

“Oh, I simply wished to escape the day’s responsibilities and enjoy the quiet of the library.” She moves to the comfy chair to my side, slides down with more grace than I’d ever imagine possible. “And you? I’ve not seen you alongside Delphian or her bound beloved during any of the festivities.”

“Oh… I… um…” I stammer under the weight of her gaze. “Just… getting lost in the collections. Such celebrations are wonderful, but in all honesty I’m not that comfortable with big crowds.”

“Hmmm…” She glances over the stack of books. And a sudden chill runs down my spine.

Everything here is Amwellian. If she begins to peruse my little work pile, then… fuck she’ll figure out right quick that I’m Sun Spoken! FUCK!

But… she doesn’t, just… looks back at me with such a smile. One that reminds me of Yrelia on her most voracious nights. A knowing thing that promises such–

“I’ve found myself musing, dear Hetaera, how is it you came to meet Emarial and smitten her so?”

“Oh. Well I…” I nearly jolt at the shift of topic, and have to re-organize my thoughts before working out a coherent answer. “We encountered each other some time ago in Deledita. Had… well I guess she thought I was someone else.”

“And now?” She presses with the gentleness of one smothering a small animal.

“Um… Well we both are trying to… I guess, mend old wounds.”

She just… stares down on me with only her gaze before adding. “That can’t be the entire story.”

“The rest is… private.” I shrug as politely as possible, tilt my head. “But I’d be happy to hear about your history with her. We Hetaera are wonderful listeners and great at keeping secrets.”

The Matron smirks, a flash of cold somethings turns the blue in her eyes to an icy color. “Oh… Like most, she was a lover. But… also so much more. She helped me slaughter a great many Sun Spoken in our youths just after I wrested power in the house of Rell from my mother.”

I feel all warmth drain from me as my tummy roils as the matron’s eyes seem to… to peel me apart.

Wh… What? Emarial, she… She killed other Sun Spoken!?!

Veletross chuckles, my distress obvious. “Emarial may act the forlorn old Murtaziq. Weary and consumed with grief at her past actions, but she’s just lying to herself. She loved it. I watched her tremble in joy as she stood over her dead companions and drank in their souls.”

“I… But that can’t be right.” I stammer while trying to shove the horrid mental images from my head.

“Back… oh… eighty or so years ago she came to me for help. Told me of a danger that had risen within the Sun Spoken. An… infection, if you can believe it, and urged me to act with her and three other older members to deal with it.”

Emarial’s age pings a… curiosity amidst my panic. Gives me something to cling to as I am drowning in a storm of fear. But… It's only a question for later. That worry from their words earlier solidifies in my gut like a hard stone thrown into water.

“But… Why didn’t she tell me?” I don’t mean to murmur aloud as I stare down at my hands.

“Probably…” The Matron purrs very very quietly. “Because she’s still unsure if you’ll need to be dealt with in the same way.”

I freeze, and I can’t even begin to care that she knows my nature as Emarial’s words echo through me.

Of how she… She was preparing to kill me!?! If I resisted her, back then in Deledita. Treated me as… as… as some insane Sun Spoken like the ones she’d killed!

“What was this… infection?” I whisper, knowing how pale and horrid my voice must sound. “The one that drove you and Emarial to… to do those things.”

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I know the answer, at least in part. But… I have to hear her say it. Need to hear her tell me what terrible thing awaits me if I can’t find what I seek.

She sighs, and I look up to find her stare has left me, she now looks off into the distant shelves with a mix of real annoyance and… other things. Old things I probably can’t even begin to understand. Things I’ve only seen the shadow of in one other. “You probably know it already. The infection is one of love. Love for one who dwells only within a dream, but wishes to wake.”

Her answer confuses me.

“I… but how could… how could so many fall to such a place that Emarial would even consider murder to be the answer!?!”

She turns back to me. “The lucky ones slowly became husks. Women barely conscious while awake. But others…” She smiles such a cruel thing then. “They began to scheme with your mad Goddess. Such big plans I’ll not speak of, lest you fall under Her influence.”

“B– but…”

“There are so few of you left, and your patron is patient. She’ll work to slowly groom you, lure you into her clutches.” The Matron drums fingers on her chair's armrest. “And once you're well and truly Her’s…”

My eyes must be as wide as the moon, glistening with tears as if they are the stars themselves. Not in surprise at her words, but recognition. At understanding just how fucking close I was and still am to falling into that.

How… How part of me still CRAVES to return to the arms of my fifth lover.

“I… I’m trying to lock Her out.” I whisper. “To stop dreaming entirely.”

She gives me a mocking look of pity, hand absently gestures over the piles of tomes. “You won’t likely find such things here, many Sun Spoken before you spent many a year trying to find a solution to that little problem.”

Without thinking, I pull out my Dream Stone. “But, I’ve done it! With this! I… I just need–”

Her brow furrows for a moment, then eyes widen in surprise. “Oh, is that Uqueta’s Dream Stone?”

“He prefers the name Zin. If you please. But… He gave it to me. I… No… I demanded it. He used it on me, and my lovers recognized the mark. And… and it’s been working. Just…”

She sighs, “Foolish child, it’s good you took that wretched thing from him. He was commanded to keep it safe and hidden, and there he goes using it on a fucking Hetaera, of all women.”

“Is there a better way? Could you help me find one?” I suddenly feel a spark. Hope at maybe getting help from such a powerful and well connected woman.

She strikes me with a horrid smirk. “Such a thing is not a small request.”

I actually reach out to her then, lay a hand on hers. “I’ll pay anything. Anything, to keep my lovers safe. I’m… I already know what this thing will do to me if I don’t find a better way.”

She nods, turns her hand upward to curl sharp nails against my palm and fingers. “Has Emarial not taught you her own magic? The thing she uses to remain awake?”

I shake my head. “We… We’ve tried. But… but my magic is so different from hers! Her soul burns too hot for me to even try and hear its song.”

She tilts her head, a hunger for understanding, but… only whispers. “Thus is the curse your patron lays upon her claimed.”

“Can you help me?” I’m nearly pleading now. “Please, Matron Veletross. I really will give you… well… almost whatever I can!”

She smiles. “Oh, I know. But… You’ll need to sacrifice that which I can see you hold very dear to your heart.”

“What?” But a cold chill runs down my spine. At… at… does she know even more than the rest?

Did she discover what She did for me? My past as a breeding male? Is… Is she suggesting that… that I’ll need to give up…

“I know of two escapes from Her.” She purrs. “Well… two permanent ones that don’t involve the Sun Spoken dying.”

I nod, carefully. Begging her with my eyes to continue.

“First is simple, and Emarial’s way.” She holds up a finger. “You leave this land, run as far away as you can. Into the wastes beyond, and live with those daughterless savages of the seas and islands that remain.”

I pause, “Um… well I mean… I guess we could do that. My… my lovers have been showing me the world and…”

She nods, but solemnly. “There is little to see. I wandered beyond for a time in my youngest days. The outer land is… not a kind place. Barren and scarred from wars long forgotten, and past that… endless oceans. Our little island here is truly a unique thing. Maybe the only thing to survive.”

“Oh… then… then your second solution?” I huff.

She smiles such a cruel thing then, raises her other hand and begins to draw caressing marks along my wrist and arm. “There is a… procedure. One that marks the entire body, and even has gemstones melting into the mind.”

“Um… Okay. That… I mean I can… That doesn’t sound too bad. If it’s pain your worried about then–”

But she’s shaking her head. “No, you’ll barely feel it. The cost, as it were, is to your mind. The Cultivation will drown your memories with… new things. Tomes and ancient texts my family would love to have kept safe and available for easy use. A memory palace of knowledge. But… most of your past will melt away. Replaced by a new and wonderful archive.”

“I… I don’t understand.”

But I am starting to, especially as I picture my lover’s scars.

Eyes bore into mine. “The Gemstones will seal your mind from Her, but… such a collection of knowledge cannot be allowed to walk the Paths. You’d be bound to my house. An… well I won’t mince words. You’d be an Odalisque to me. With markings across your entire form that display that allegiance.”

I pull my hand back very slowly. “I… but… Can this… Why can’t we just use the Gemstones to shield me!?! Why… Why would you ask me to give up all freedoms for this!?! I’d be… indebted to you forever anyway! Grateful in ways you can totally fucking imagine!”

She shrugs and sighs, “I wish Cultivation was so malleable. But this procedure is not one we can alter, not beyond the tomes we add later. The archive is that shield. A wall of ancient knowledge erected to block Her.”

“I… but… how can you be certain it will even work?” I huff, already rejecting this. “You’re… well I won’t insult you, but why would I even consider such a… a terrible path on anything but a certainty?”

“The second woman ever gifted this was a Sun Spoken.”

I jerk. “She… Why?”

The Matron laughs. “Same reason as you, I suspect. Her old words are very clear, the procedure cut her off from your mad Goddess. I’ll even let you read her journals. It’s written in Amwellian so you’ll know It to be true.”

I’m spiraling now. Lost in a whirlwind of revelations. About Emarial, my lover’s past, and… and… what if this is the only way?

But… No. I… I’d be giving up my lovers for this! Sacrificing them to serve this horrible woman for the rest of my life!

But… The Weaver’s threats ring in my mind.

I might consider weaving another command next you need my help. One that robs you of your love for one of them perhaps?

Caught between threats to remove my love for them, or giving up the life we plan on living together to save that love.

“Fuck you. Fuck you both!” I hiss, and the World Song seems to scream alongside my rage.

The Matron gives me such a pitting smile, then rises. “The offer will remain open, Inamatorii of The Sun Spoken. I only hope you make a wise decision before one is made for you.”