Content warning:

Self harm/neglect, misgendering.

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“Ina, hey…” Yrelia grabs my arm that holds her hand. “Just… Can we stop for a second?”

I jerk her forward. Don’t let us stop.

Again! I did it fucking again!

“Ina!” She shouts this time, moves to block my path.

Leg hurts so much. Never walked this far without a morning song… never really felt the throbbing horrid punishment for my stupid mistakes. The iceprick of pain from calling myself stupid doesn’t even compare right now. Just… solidifies my rage. I immerse myself in them both, accept them as sensations I deserve right now.

I glare past Yrelia, trying to move. We’re blocking the street, women are giving us annoyed stares and even a few murmured insults. I take those too. Add them to the World Song of pain that eats and gnashes at me like–

“No!” Yrelia’s still bigger than me, and with both hands she grips my arms and stops me from going another step. “Just… Can we please stop? I’m still in heels and my ankles are killing me.”

I see her lie, and know she can guess at my maimed leg’s pain.

“We’re almost back.” Are the first words I’m able to speak since I left Zin’s home. They are barely more than a low growl.

Yrelia studies me for a second, then looks about. Her eyes fix on something, narrow. Mouth twists. “No.”

I let out a huff, prepare to just… try and push past.

“We’re being followed.” She murmurs.

I freeze up. “Who?”

“The Lady herself.” She whispers, guides me over to the side of the street.

I sigh, annoyed. “That’s not… ugh. Judic?”

She nods.

“Fuck. Yrelia I…”

“There is a reason we had them pick us up from that nicer inn last night.” She smirks, “Don’t want to lead her back to… oh. Fuck.”

“What?”

“She’s coming this way.” Yrelia whispers, “Looks like she wants to talk.”

I grind my teeth. “Can you please tell her to fuck off?”

“My pleasure.” Yrelia steps up beside me, switches which hand is holding mine and lets me keep my back turned as I hear the first words of greeting.

“Fuck off.” Yrelia’s voice drips with venom and bile.

“I simply wanted to make sure your protégé made it back safely.” Judic replies calmly.

“How fucking sweet.” Yrelia’s tone is flat. “She did. You can leave.”

A long pause. Yrelia doesn’t move.

“Shall I call for a duenna to run you off?” Yrelia spits.

Judic’s voice is low, not threatening but… informative. “I doubt you’d want the duenna looking too closely into your business, Hetaera Yrelia.”

Yrelia snorts, “Try me, I’m not the one stalking working girls through the streets.”

I turn, glare back at Judic. Can… fuck. She seems actually worried and…

“What do you want, Lady Rell?” I don’t drop my glare.

“Just Jutic, if you please. And exactly what I said, I was asked to ensure you made it back safely.” She states, and I don’t… well she’s a good fucking liar so I don’t believe a word of it.

“And?” Yrelia presses.

“Nothing more.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me.” I hiss.

A long pause.

“I’d prefer if we spoke more… privately.” She finally relents. “I wish to… understand what might have been implied during your exit.”

“Well… too bad.”

“We’re not your enemies,” She sighs, then whispers. “Boy.”

That… oh fuck… everything goes red for a second. If not for Yrelia’s hand… Fuck I might… I don’t know. Pain seems to almost… dance into a shrill thing I can actually hear. Could even reach out and grasp at it like it’s a knife if I–

“Walk away.” I growl, and the World Song seems to wither at my tone. “Right. Fucking. Now.”

“I... I'm sorry just..." Real and sudden fear flashes across her face. Her hands go up, palms out as she steps back. "Come to the same place where we first spoke. Tonight, after the evening meals. Please.”

Then she backs away a few more paces, Like I’m some dangerous predator or something, then turns and disappears into the crowd.

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Yrelia looks down at me with a ton of worry then… she smirks. “Good girl.”

I almost melt into a titter of sobs and laughter as the shrill anger melts into more pain. F– Fuck. If not for the pain I’d… I’d like to...

“Love you.” I whimper as I feel my expression of rage crack, almost fall into a puddle right then and there.

“Love you too.” She takes my hand, “C’mon. Let's go find our lovers.”

But… I clamp up again after that. Tasii and Yrelia basically chase me into the showers and… watch in worry as I strip down, don’t even bother to remove the Arudian leg, and just move to stand under the downpour. Let the warm water wash away any traces and smells of that fucking fucking fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

I shudder, my leg hurts so much now. And the heat of the shower is just making it worse.

“We should leave.” I tell them as I dry myself and just… stare down in disgust at my clothes. The ones I wore when I was with him.

“I mean, yeah it’s probably lunchtime, we were planning on meeting up with Kque and Jevita to–” I turn what is probably a glare up at Tasii. She winches.

I sigh, look away in guilt. Why didn’t I listen to her? How did I make the same fucking mistake twice!?!

“Ina…?” Yrelia touches my shoulder. “How can we help? Big things or little things. We’ll fuck you right here and now if that’s what you need. Put on a show for anyone else wanting a shower.”

“Yrelia…” Tasii sighs.

“Just… fresh clothes.” I whisper.

Yrelia nods, looks at Tasii. “Stay here with her?”

Tasii nods.

Then Yrelia is off, and other than the couple women in the showers, we’re alone.

“You should sit.” She murmurs, tries to pull me down onto a bench.

“I’m fine.”

“Sit down.” Her voice is hard now, not unkind. But… she’s not asking. I huff and obey.

“How bad is it?” She asks quietly. “Are you… Are you hurt?”

My fuck up? My Leg? My fucking… everything!?!

“Bad.” I reply. “But… no. I’m not hurt.”

She nods. “Once Yrelia gets back we can grab our things and duck out, we can probably get… like… halfway to the next town.”

“I’m sorry.” I sigh. “I… Fuck I thought I found something I was good at. Thought… Thought I was being useful.”

Tasii wraps an arm around me, pulls me into a hug. Kisses my forehead. “Ina, you were doing so great. But… We’re not in love with you because of that.”

Her touch and words would have helped, but the pain in my leg is getting… really fucking intense. I barely understand her.

“I should have listened to you, last night and…” I murmur. And… something in my voice tells her everything she needs to know. A hand touches my leg, and my flinch at the spike of pain confirms her fears.

“Ina?” She kneels in front of me. “You didn’t take care of your leg this morning.”

“The pain helps me focus, love.” I whisper as I fall deeper into the pain. “Need it. To remind me that I’m alive, and to–”

She snaps fingers in front of my face, I jerk back. Sounds bother the returning headache.

“Ina.” She hisses. “You need to sing this better. Right fucking now.”

“People around, can’t risk it.” I grumble.

She growls. “It’s either right here or I carry you up through this inn naked to our rooms. Pick one or I’m choosing for you.”

I sigh, “Rooms.”

That surprises her, but she nods, wraps me in the towel. And I’m so glad the pain from every one of her steps keeps me from being embarrassed at the thing.

Yrelia must bump into us on the way out, but she doesn’t ask.

Once we’re in our room and the door is shut, Tasii sits me on the bed.

“Sing, now.”

I hesitate.

“Ina. If you think we need to leave town today I need you to sing your leg better.”

So I do. And the World Song titters and wiggles around us. Leg cools like someone dumped a bucket of snow on it and I can’t help but moan in pleasure at the euphoria that brings. Head snaps into focus, the muddled thoughts clear and settle. By the end the pain is basically gone. Just… a low awareness of its echo remains.

Tasii takes my face in her hands and fixes me with a glare filled with… with such love and… “Never fucking again.”

“Huh?” Is all I can grunt back.

“Ina, I get you’re upset, I can tell that… that you blame yourself for whatever happened.” She says. “But Moon and fucking Stars don’t you ever hurt yourself like this again.”

That… fuck. As I sit here in guilt and painless euphoria I can’t stop the first tears from falling. My lover doesn’t let me pull away though.

“I… I fucked up again.” I whimper, grasp at her wrists. “And… and… I can’t keep doing that… I needed to… to feel it so I remember.”

Yrelia moves up then to lay a hand on Tasii's shoulder, a... a subtle show of support for our lover's anger.

Tasii growls, almost shaking as furious tears gather. “I won’t let you fuck around with that. Even… even if you really did fuck up and this is your fault. I need you to promise me, right fucking now. Never fucking ever do something like this again. Don’t try to punish yourself like… at all. Especially like this!”

I look down, “I… I can’t.”

“Ina.” Yrelia moves around to sit beside me, holds me from the side. “Self harm doesn’t help anything. Just… really fucking sucks and hurts the people you love alongside you.”

I slump. Knowing she’s right. But… but still…

“Okay.” I whisper. Shake with a few little sniffles.

It takes a bit, but my lovers help me gather myself into one piece and get dressed. Then we grab all our possessions and head to the stables. Jevita and Kque were already waiting, food ordered and impatient with a little worry. I… fuck I hate the looks on their faces as they see my expression. Can tell that… yes. I did, in fact, fuck this up.

“Are you hurt?” Kque asks, takes me into a hug I desperately need.

I shake my head, sit down at one of the little tavern’s tables with them, and eventually begin to tell them about the last night and evening. It’s hard at first, but once the words start flowing they just don’t stop until I’m empty and… well I don’t feel better. But telling my lovers about it all helps so much more than I expected.

“So… that’s why I think we need to leave.” I sigh. “Get out of town today and… and try to get out of Arudia as soon as possible.”

Yrelia growls. “If… fuck if I could go to the Hetaera guildmasters I’d… Well let’s just say that paying a fine and never getting to hire a girl would be the least of that fuck’s worries.”

“How so?” I ask.

“Well… first off, he lied to you about who you were going to be performing for.” She taps an angry finger on the table. “Sprung himself as an Arudian male like you should be grateful for the opportunity. Which, I mean fuck we agreed to a private thing at his estate. He made you feel stranded and unable to leave safety. So even if your consent felt genuine, it was tainted by the past two problems.”

I shift uncomfortably at the truth in her words. When I’d first explained things I could tell they were surprised that the sex wasn’t the problem. Yrelia must have… well at seeing Zin she probably thought I suffered through some horrible thing.

It… well sure it wasn’t very good sex. But I didn’t mind trying things out with an Arudian male.

“THEN the fuck presses you, first thing in the morning after you admitted to being in pain, to agree to another session. And… claims aside, locked the fucking door so you couldn’t leave. No, fuck this fuck. Maybe…” She glares off. “Maybe we can… I don’t know… get the Hetaera guild to… to work with us on this? Offer us immunity from charges or… something?”

Kque sighs, “I wish we could risk it… but breaking their rules like we did… I’m not sure either of you could avoid some pretty heavy fines or… um… worse.”

“It’d be a coinflip who they’d focus their wrath on.” Tasii agrees. “And my bet would be on the foreign travels over the Arudian… eh… rich person.”

“Fuck. And what was that… like… crap about Ina having any kind of power here in Arudia?” Yrelia hisses. “Was he just trying to flatter her or…”

Jevita shakes her head, speaks up for the first time. “No… I’ve seen the obelisks. Read transcripts. The Sun Spoken really did a fuckton to stabilize the Academy and all of Arudia. They… well it’s said that it was a Sun Spoken who carved the words onto those unbreakable crystals. He’s right that Ina would be able to do… well a lot if she aimed to make a claim.”

We drop into silence for a bit. Pick at our food. Guilt bubbles. And I try to really really not think about that. About… about being able to help people like me, but… needing to risk my own life and–

“But… like… how did he know!?!” I hiss. “He didn’t seem to think I was anything but an oddity, even after I fucked him. But… when I woke up…” I brush hair behind an ear, reach for–

“Ina…” Kque asks. I look up. “Are… Are you hurt?”

I just tilt my head in confusion. She taps the side of her head, just around the temple. “You… there’s a mark or something. Right there. Little sparkle just under your left temple.”