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<03/09/2012 - 13:31 | One Tranquility Base, Huntsville, AL, USA>
As I took one small step for mankind, I took another step back for those who couldn't be here with us now.
This is a moment I wanted to keep with me for all time, to cherish forever as another magical moment of memory. I stood in front of the others, one in a crowd of other eighth graders in a far off field trip to one of the coolest places on Earth; the space museum. Rocket center, landing pad, space museum, whatever; it's still a wonderful place to be when I appreciate the cosmic beauty of outer space so much, the place that somehow gave birth to my wife one generation at a time. I should be happy; I should be stoked!
"Everyone is here, so let's form a line." Ms. Ray Ray, one of the only two chaperones here tried to prepare us for our first group activity with the coordinator, but I stood silently in trance.
I probably need not explain why, for I am the unhappiest student here right now. This museum might be a cool place to be, but I could care less about its wonders at this time. After all, what is the point of trying to enjoy something so cool, when the one person I want to share it with isn't here with me?
Yep, you guessed it. As the locator tag indicates, we're not even in Georgia anymore; we're in Alabama. Despite the climate differences I've already known about, I tried to remain hopeful that luck would be on my side, so that I could end up in cold enough weather to contact Lumina and have her attend this with me too. We planned on it together days before when I signed up for this field trip.
Sadly, there is no way to predict the weather and how it will go. With the sunlight already out and the temperature ten degrees over the psionic cut-off limit, I have no hope of showing any of this to Lumina. So, I just stood there quiet and depressed while everybody else prepared to start first with the G-Force ride.
"Listen up. We can take 18 students per ride for the next thirty minutes." As the coordinator explained how things would go down, everybody in the crowd around me got all excited. "Make sure you don't have any of your personal belongings on you. Leave all items in the bay we have set up."
"Yeah-ha! We get to fly up. This is gonna be sweet!" Nae nudged me from the side, cueing me to get all pumped up with her.
If I had Lumina here with me, I would have totally goofed out upon her request. Instead, I shrugged turning askew. There wasn't any way for me to stay out of all the events and head home. We got here by school bus, and we go home by school bus. Even though I've never been on a G-Force ride before, I blocked out whatever fun or excitement there was to be had. It wouldn't be fair to Lumina if I enjoy anything without her. I know how much she would want to see this; I know how much she misses me now.
"What's the matter?" Nae exaggerated her sad tone in trying to cheer me up.
It wasn't the first time she noticed I was out of spirits. It was March now, and that meant that summer was slowly lurking its way in. Even though I've been trying not to think about the summer, part of me just can't help it. I've already had a few days over the past several weeks of sudden warmth, horrible, disgusting, psionic-blocking warmth. I can't hide my depression from others like I used to; Nae certainly noticed several instances where I just wasn't in the mood to match her cheerful energy, moments like now. Of course, I never told her about Lumina. How can I, when I'm so certain it will destroy what friendship we do have?
"Cheer up Reed. We're about to enjoy the ride."
I don't care about the ride! But I can't be upset with Veronica and the others. It's not like anyone knows about my situation. Even though Banarus and Zero are here too, I've left no breadcrumbs to suggest Lumina would be coming too, since that would obviously generate more suspicion. I guess I'll have to pretend to be happy for now, at least until this part is over.
"Just don't throw up in there."
"I won't." Nae's joke wasn't worth the laugh, though I was certain I would be fine. I knew just a little about the G-Force ride; that it spins a person around quickly enough to distort and remove gravity in a certain radius of effect. I've never gotten nauseous on rides before; I don't get motion sick or seasick. I'm more worried about somebody else throwing up on me.
Before long, we got to our turn, and I ended up joining the few people I was willing to hang out with. Feigning a smile, I followed the others into the next cue, taking in the sights before me. The interior of the G-Force machine was impressive and far bigger than I expected.
Seriously! All this to negate gravity in a small area? The Altiri can negate all external gravity to their hull using a refractor core about this size, so the proportions are different... Right. Lumina isn't here to appreciate my unfair comparison to our technologies and advancements. Better to just get this over with then.
After picking a spot to be latched into the seat, I had to wait like everybody for the operator to close and tighten the harnesses we strapped ourselves into. It was a good few minutes before we could get anything going, the priority being first on safety.
Then, we were off. The seats all lifted up slightly in unison first, then started to rotate on a guided track the rest of us could not see. The force of gravity first acted against my body, pushing me back with intense force; angling my neck forward took great effort. I could see the others spinning around me too, though all light started to blur a bit from the accelerating motion.
In under a full minute, the full effects of the ride were reached. We were spinning so fast, everybody's hair started to float up. Shortly after, it was easy to feel my own body floating up against the harness, though held in by the same restraints. Even though it wasn't too easy to test, I was sure by now that the gravitational field in this zone was essentially zero.
Everybody started laughing or screaming playfully. Even I was too amazed to resist a smile of amazement forming. The moment continued on for what felt like a long time, letting me think and compare how this might feel if I were on Lumina's ship doing this. The Altiri generate their own internal gravity for all ships, but it's easy to disable them and float around freely. One thing I was forced to admit to myself was, the G-Force ride was much more fun than I had anticipated.
Then, before I could enjoy it any further, an interesting asset appeared first from the corner of my eyes. It was a small touch-screen flip phone, flying from the edge towards the center while flipping around in a quick motion I've never seen before from anywhere. Since phones aren't supposed to flip around in mid-air that fast, I couldn't hold in some laughter, after realizing that somebody's smartphone must have escaped from their pockets in the zero-gravity field.
I wasn't the only one to notice the interesting moment either, but not long after everyone had a good laugh about the phone wigging out in the center of the zone, the pocket device suddenly smashed up against one of the steel bars of the central control center, before plummeting to the ground outdoors, presumably in pieces. As soon as the controller realized what happened, he hit the emergency stop button before anyone else could react, bringing the ride to an eventual stop.
Even I wasn't able to notice that the ride's end was from an emergency stop; it felt so smooth and natural for the timing. We all put two and two together when the technician walked in from the side, his eyes stuck on the center flooring. The center of the ride has an opening to the outside on the very bottom, right next to some important looking hydraulic parts.
"Alright," the technician announced. "Ride is closed for ten minutes. I need to inspect it." Following that short speech, the harnesses opened to let us out while I could hear most around me grumbling in dismay.
With my own attention diverted however, I decided to lurk around after realizing what kind of danger we might have been in over the flying phone. The device obviously didn't do any damage to the machine, since it stopped as smoothly as it started, but the technician and controller were not taking any chances. Minutes later, I saw the technician approaching Veronica with the destroyed smart phone, having no idea the property belonged to her.
"Looks like it went completely dead. I'm so sorry!"
"That's why we have places to store these devices."
Amazed as I was that Veronica was the one who lost her phone, part of me let the possible doom variable hang over me as I glared back at the disabled ride. Was I in danger of being killed in some freak accident moments ago? Not likely. Crazy things like that just don't happen to me, good or bad. Still, that little phone could have screwed up important components, crashing that mechanical system and causing thousands of dollars in damages. How the heck did they not check for phones before we got on?
"We can restart in five!" The technician shouted his commands to the coordinator, but it was obvious from the looks of everything that our turn was gone and would not be resumed.
I chose to hang out by Veronica instead of meeting up with Nae and her strange friend she invited. She seemed fairly depressed by what happened, and I wasn't sure if it was only about the phone, or the guilt of having something bad almost happen.
When Veronica noticed my presence sticking behind her, and just flashed her destroyed black screen in front of my face aggressively. "See? It doesn't work. They're not going to let us on the ride again either."
"Who cares about the phone? I'm just glad you're alright." If something disastrous had happened on the ride, I'd never be able to forget today. Forgetting about today is all I want to do right now.
"Th— thanks." Veronica finally turned to look me in the eyes, her mouth mute for a moment. It wasn't possible for me to understand what she might have been thinking. "I'll be fine... What about you though? Until you got on the ride, I was sure something was eating at you."
Challenged by her generosity, I turned away, ready to walk out of this place and back outdoors. "Take my advice. Don't concern yourself with something you can't fix." I waved behind me to let her know I wasn't staying here anymore, while Ray Ray walked in to find Veronica.
As I was back outside, the truth of that ride sank into me, the poison fangs of truth stinging so strongly. I can't deny it. Even Veronica noticed that I thoroughly enjoyed that ride. Me; the one at the space enter enjoyed a moment that Lumina would have loved more than I would have. I must be a horrible person inside. How could I ever allow myself to enjoy anything here in her absence? It's just wrong!
"Hey Reed. Guess who gets to go on the ride next!" Nae's exciting question was rhetorical, but I simply shrugged it off, caring not if my off-putting attitude offended her.
"Whatever. I wasn't too impressed."
"Well they said it would open up in five minutes, so I'm going to go wait in line. They said we could re-ride too from the back of the line..."
I remained quiet, arms folded with my back turned to her. Even I could tell she was waiting on me, not to reply or to wish her luck, but to just say anything that came deep from within. At least, that's what I wanted to believe. When I turned around a second later, Nae was already walking that way, not looking back.
I let out a failed gasp, wanting to call her back here, but nothing escaped my voice. What could I say anyway? Even if she cared about what was getting me down, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth anyway. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, much worse than the stupid ride shenanigans...
Nae... Veronica... Somebody! Won't somebody please notice me? Won't somebody please find the truth to what I've been going through, so that I don't have to worry about proof and believability? I want to say something... But I don't want either of them to hate me for this either. I feel so alone right now.
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Read my thoughts Nae. Read my thoughts, Veronica. Listen to the voice of my heart, just as Lumina does. Because right now, I'm not strong enough to say what I want out loud. So what should I do?
Of course, thirty minutes passed without any wish I had being granted. I stayed true to my personality to a detrimental fault, too introverted to find courage, too quiet to cry out my pain. I sat on the cement floor by the first few stairs, feeling sorry for myself and ignoring the others who stared at my behavior. How badly I wanted to go home!
"Alright! It's time to head on in and start the tour." The coordinator took charge, after everybody had their second ride on the G-Force machine. There wasn't much hesitation to be had with the plan to head inside and check out all the rest of the museum had to offer.
Given the commotion that happened earlier however, the teacher decided to divert to one of the unused presentation rooms to make sure everything would be okay first. Somehow, most of the class didn't remember or realize that Veronica was the only person of interest in that regard, while I was a bit too entranced to pay attention initially.
Without realizing it, I unconsciously sat next to Veronica while she fiddled with her obviously destroyed phone. Since we were all just sitting here, I had my own smartphone out and ready, headphones plugged in for some mood music. The music I listen to only enhances my feelings though, rarely does it ever change how I feel in the moment.
It wasn't until two minutes into the alluring music that I was finally distracted by what Veronica was doing beside me. The screen was broken beyond repair; I was surprised she bothered to keep tinkering with it. Then I wondered why she would care in the first place. The files on the device couldn't have been that important.
"What am I gonna do?" she pouted with worry.
It was only then that I finally had a chance to pick up on tiny cues and get a clue for what was getting at Veronica this much. The way she sat, her attention to the dead screen, and the alertness in her expression told a particular story, one I was sure to recognize. Without even asking, I shut off my own music and gently dropped my smartphone in front of her desk. "Here. You can use this for now. Let your mom know what happened."
Veronica seemed too shocked for words. "Thanks, but, how did you know my mom was the one worried about me?"
"Sometimes, I just know things." I sat back and relaxed while Veronica took my phone and used it to send off texts, trusting her with my stuff. I figured out that Veronica was only focused on trying to ensure her mother was kept up to date about general affairs, as well as the fact that her primary cell is busted up. I knew this because, it takes being in a family with an overbearing, overprotective mother to recognize those same signs on other people. I was technically required to send off my own text to both my parents frequently on this trip, though I would only agree to do so every few hours, since every one hour is too annoying. It makes sense why she was so focused on the phone, but I was now surprised that nobody else offered to help her before I did.
"Thank you." Veronica went to work finishing up what she had to, sending texts to her mother as well as her friends to update them about her broken phone. But after she was done, her last finger swipe somehow brought back the music player app I thought I had killed, and it resumed playback all on its own. Since the earphone jack was still plugged in, it didn't mean anything, until Veronica took the right side and tried it out, amusing herself at my own expense.
"Hey! That's—" I didn't finish my complaint, since there wasn't too much wrong with somebody trying to find out what I was listening to. It was only set to "Solaris XL" by Bryan El, a song that made me think mostly of Lumina in a time like this.
Veronica didn't complain or laugh about it though. She instead kept listening to the music, gesturing to its beauty. Did she actually like the song? "I just wondered what music you were into." She then handed the ear bud back to me, but after the way I reacted, I hesitated in moving any further. I knew now that my rotten mood was dragging others down with me, which wasn't what I asked for, but I couldn't do a thing about it either. "Why do you look so sad? Your girlfriend didn't dump you, did she?"
Very funny. Veronica doesn't even know about Lumina, other to say that I have a girlfriend, rumored by our mutual acquaintance, Banarus. After what Veronica has been through today, knowing I was only making things worse, I couldn't fight the boiling hurt in my gut. "No, nothing like that..." She kept staring at me, ensuring I knew she expected a real answer. "I just... I just really wanted to come here and enjoy all of this with Lumina, you know? But things don't always go the way we plan. She couldn't make it, and I didn't have time to cancel when I learned of this."
"Awh! I'm so sorry Reed! You must really miss her to be this bent up about it."
"No kidding. I was with her the other day, but being apart from her, even for a moment, it really hurts. I wish she were here with us right now. Lumina would enjoy the hell out of this museum." I've already said enough. At least now, she'll realize I have a reason to be depressed.
"Well, you'll see her again. Take some pictures, show her what this place is like, and try to have fun." Veronica almost smiled while saying that.
Meanwhile, I kept my mood festering, letting it out bit by bit. "You just don't get it Veronica. I can't enjoy a single moment now that I'm here without her. Even if I could somehow get past it, it would be wrong of me to enjoy myself while she's stuck out there, probably bored out of her mind. It isn't fair!"
"What? Why is it so wrong for you to try making the most of what you have anyway?" I let the most confused look cross my face, forcing Veronica to elaborate. "It's not like it's some rule that you can't enjoy the museum a little, just because somebody else couldn't make it. Plus, if she loves you at all, I'm sure this Lumina would want you to enjoy this as much as you can."
Her words, yet simple stunned me silent until I started thinking about it some more... Lumina would want me to enjoy it? Is that right? I had to put myself in Lumina's shoes for a moment, as I tried to be like her and think like her to the best of my ability. If I were Lumina, and Reed were stuck in a warm climate while attending a space museum, at first, I would be jealous... But no, I would want him to enjoy the museum... I would want him to try... Lumina would want me to at least try and have a good time, for her own sake. She cares about my happiness just as much as she does her own. But even if that's all true, even if it's okay to enjoy myself while I'm here, am I capable of that now? "I don't know. I don't know if I can."
"It's okay," she iterated. "You'll see her again soon enough. I'm sure she's not going to just disappear for months on end and leave you alone. It'll be fine!"
Damn Veronica! I was almost back to normal until she reminded me of that horrifying reality. It's too bad her crappy example is far too serious to be called a joke. Not too much longer from now, the second summer will roll in. Once that happens, Lumina actually will disappear for months on end, leaving me alone, not by choice. It's why I can't stop thinking about her now. My time with Lumina is way too precious for me to enjoy any time away from her. If only you knew Veronica. If only you knew!
"Okay, looks like things are sorted. Let's get the show on the road." The secondary chaperone, a teacher I did not even know started calling for us to group and leave the room to find all the other stations. Even Veronica took her own advice, trying to start new by hanging out again with one of Nae's strange and mutual friend, some guy I did not know.
I was fairly slow to move at first, my thoughts too concentrated on what was said. Sure, summer will be coming soon, and sure, Lumina isn't here now. But what if Veronica is right? What if trying to enjoy myself despite her absence is just the right thing to do after all? Maybe instead, it's the only thing I can do. I wasn't sure how the rest of the fieldtrip would go, but I didn't keep high standards for what was to come later.
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<03/09/2012 - 14:44 | One Tranquility Base, Huntsville, AL, USA>
"—which is what made the mission such a success." The coordinator finished his factual speech about the Lunar Lander project, the Apollo mission, and other various stories about the accomplishments of humans in space.
The more I listened and learned, the more these facts made me want to gag. Most of my interests were about the nature of outer space and other planetoids, not so much about what humankind has accomplished.
To most ordinary humans, all of the accomplishments set out by astronauts and NASA are quite impressive. It wasn't that long ago on Earth's calendar when the first astronauts went into space and landed on the moon. The problem is, I now have additional context others don't have, after seeing the accomplishments and advancements that the Altiri have by comparison. It may not be a fair comparison given the difference in elapsed time, but I can't help myself to side with the superior race. Each time I see something about a mission to go to Mars, I think to myself, so what? The Altiri can map out their entire solar system in a matter of two months and then travel much further after that, or something along those lines. When I hear about advanced fuel and propulsion systems, I immediately think to Lumina's Sunder-Crelessive Plasma and Ion thrusters. I'm really trying not to make those comparisons, but I just can't help it anymore.
I guess when one group of people does something amazing, another isolated group doing much less just isn't as impressive to one who knows about both. I wonder if Lumina ever had to listen to space facts like these, thinking to herself how pitiful the human race was for being this far behind, perhaps even laughing and gloating to herself about how much more she had in the space department. I would never think less of her if she did think that.
"And over here, we have the robotics features. The Mars Crawler is the most significant project at NASA to date."
Okay, I won't lie. Robots are pretty cool. I assumed the Altiri didn't build any sentient machines or A.I. for the perseverance of their own race, seeing as it may be the smart thing to do, but a cute little metal spider crawling around on Mars is interesting. Now that I think about it, why don't the Altiri send out probes and satellites? Oh, right, the resource shortage. The one thing stopping the Altiri from expanding beyond their own home world is the lack of physical resources available to make such a dangerous voyage. They barely have enough to perform a reconnaissance and survey team, so Lumina told me.
"Now – now, we can worry about the rock climbing wall after this."
Why does a space museum have a rock climbing wall? You know what, never mind. I don't care about that right now. Look at all this stuff! My eyes caught boxes and displays by the dozens of all kinds of robotic equipment, reminding me how much engineering is involved in space exploration, particularly in NASA. It's a shame I don't know more about all this stuff. Lumina never had time to study much of human technology herself, but I'm sure one of the other Altiri Scryers knows about this to some extent.
"Amazing, right?" Banarus was trying to read my own expression to match, though I didn't answer her fast enough. "All of this, and still no aliens or Martians."
Yeah, except for all the aliens right under your nose. I didn't bother telling Banarus that, since it would just make me look like a bigger weirdo. I can't believe this! All of these people, all of those Altiri, and there are only 11 people in the world who are simultaneously and actively purged? Don't the Altiri realize that proving their existence is as easy as purging two humans who live closely together? The nerve of some people to act like humanity knows so much about space! For example, there are no Martians or flying saucers. Lumina told me that too; that all UFO cases are at best, military testing aircraft; at worse, mirages in the sky. How I wish I could just spawn Lumina right here and now for all to see, just to show everyone that I'm not crazy. "Sure..."
"Some of this engineering represents humanity's greatest accomplishments!" Now getting ahead of himself, the coordinator tried giving us some of his energy, not realizing that such cringy behavior doesn't work on middle school kids.
If anyone deserves the title of great accomplishments, it's Lumina. Look at all she's done. She might not have invented any of the technology she uses to date, and she sure isn't some mad scientist either. But purging me the way she did, making a choice that would forever affect her life without guarantee of what she wanted in return, that took guts! If there's anyone that I'm most proud of, it's her. If there's any hero I can look up to, it's Lumina, hands down. The Altiri should be getting all this praise, not humans.
Before the coordinator could get any more carried away, Ms. Ray Ray made her an announcement. "In twenty minutes, we'll be meeting back in the cafeteria."
Good. Maybe I can get some food at last... I guess this isn't so bad. As long as I praise Lumina and the Altiri, it gives me something better to do than sulk.
So, for the next twenty minutes, I traveled around idly by, even daring to separate from the main group, since the lunch decree was absolute anyway. I knew my way around enough to find it again, and had little amusement exploring around by myself. It hurt a little too much constantly being reminded about the few people I might call friends, if only I told them the truth about us. So, I didn't think about it anymore.
Twenty minutes went by in a flash, and I got my chance to eat, sitting back by this interesting group of myself, Veronica, Nae, and Michael, Nae's strange friend. We only talked about mundane stuff, but given Nae's usual hyperactive energy and playfulness, I somehow maneuvered my way into a better mood.
When the time to eat was nearly at end, Veronica offered for all four of us to pitch in and get our photos taken together in one of the large photo booths. While this was something I had never done before, I didn't decline the opportunity. Two pictures of our smiling faces, including two goofy pictures were taken and printed out for each of us. Seeing myself smile so much in those pictures made me realize instantly that I was capable of enjoying the rest of this trip; however I had to do it mattered not.
The proof that Veronica was right about this one thing allowed me to drift towards her in my efforts to hang out with the three of them, to make up for before. Nae was even convinced that I was back to my old self, though I wasn't yet sure.
There was still plenty more to do, for the Imax theater was up next. The movie there was only some kind of documentary about space junk, but seeing a projector video blown up so massively on a curved surface was something I've not experienced until now.
Even though part of me phased through our last hour at the facility, I was somehow able to end the moment off with a confident optimism. I told myself, I would simply tell Lumina all about this when I connect to her again. With as much hope as I could muster, I decided to hang out with Nae or Veronica for the rest of the day, once we get back onto the bus and ride all the way home.
My time here taught me something I wasn't expecting to learn. Whether or not people enjoy something is entirely up to them. Whether we see a situation as good or bad all depends on how we look at it. Sometimes, it's impossible to be optimistic about anything at all. As bad as things get, they don't have to stay that way forever. Plus, if a situation refuses to improve on its own, then I'll have no choice but to make it better myself.