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<06/22/2011 - 16:33 | 1010 Link Street, Marietta, GA, USA>

As the front door swung open to my grasp, the air blasting in from outside stole all my attention and control, surrendered to the terrorizing sensation fully returned again. I was only trying to let Ivan in from his own outing, but even at a distance, the heat of the sun and the sight of its blinding radiance caused every part of my body to lock up. My arms were still trembling despite my efforts to stop them, and since I didn't shut the door behind him, he soon noticed my distress.

"Are you okay?"

I didn't want to alarm anybody about what's been happening, so I needed to tell my younger brother that nothing was wrong with me. But the intense heat from outside stole my mind away, placing me back where I was a few days ago, when I went for a walk in similar weather and lost my ever-loving-mind. It's getting harder and harder for me to keep taking steps outdoors. The heat and the sun are both responsible for Lumina's absence, so having it right here with me only made everything ten times worse.

Finally, I was able to let out a broken huff of air, my body delaying what I wanted it to do. Without turning around, I told the kid not to worry despite how overdrawn my pause was. "Nothing to worry about. I'm going outside soon."

I absolutely dreaded the idea of walking out in that heat, which must be past 90oF by now. Given the state of things however, I'd rather be alone for a while than stuck inside with anybody else. I don't think I was okay before I opened that door. Now that I've had another taste of hell again, I'm going to have to isolate myself before something worse happens. So, I quickly got what I needed for another walk and headed out those doors.

I always thought that Hell was supposed to be a fiery pit of pain or something, but I know now what that place must really be like. As long as it's the summer, Georgia is Hell. Yeah, yeah. I know it's not exactly Earth's fault that this is happening. I've had enough time now to be real with myself.

The reason I've been having anxiety attacks and near-meltdowns is because I can't take it anymore. I can't stand to be away from Lumina after all I've learned about her, after falling in love with her. I knew earlier that I was in for a separation like this, but I could not properly imagine the gravity of this suffering. Plus, we're not even one month into it. I miss Lumina so much, it hurts more than anything I could ever describe.

I don't think I'm entirely unique in this situation either. I can start to say now what it does to a person, when they've become so used to the presence of a loved one, only to have them vanish without a trace the next day. I don't even think I've fully accepted it yet, but that's what happened. It's not as if Lumina and I got to prepare for this. We didn't tell each other goodbye. We didn't know that our very next day would be the end of our time together. It just happened.

How would you feel if the person you just fell in love with disappeared, not to return for half a year without a single goodbye? Could you hold together for six consecutive months, without ever seeing or hearing from them? Could you protect your own sanity without them?

Even though Lumina told me the summer was temporary, I can't be so sure. I've never had to endure something as bad as this before. Trying to distract myself with all of my little projects doesn't work anymore. I can't concentrate on a single task. No matter what I'm doing, all of my thoughts are totally dominated by Lumina and my memories of her. Everything we said, everything we did, everything we learned, it was an experience more intense than I could have ever dreamed of.

I didn't realize it before now, but a telepathic relationship is much stronger than an ordinary one. There's almost never any question to what the other might be thinking or feeling. Every time I spoke to Lumina, and every time she spoke to me, we were talking directly to each other, not beside each other. Every time we were hanging out with each other, our focus was nowhere else. Everything I did and everything I felt resonated within me so strong, even now. That's why being apart from her hurts this much. I could never be this real with anybody else. It's not some dumb crush that flew into me. I've been with Lumina for about six months before the summer, and even though it took me that long to fall in love with her, I've realized now that I can no longer imagine life without her. Nothing I do feels right or worthwhile anymore; absolutely nothing.

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That's why, even though I should have a zero percent chance to contact her, I'm heading to the public park to try again anyway. I have to try again. The Altiri say that psionic waves can't be projected in heat, but I'm about to prove them all wrong. My love for Lumina should be more powerful than some stupid force of nature, it has to be!

I've done my best today to suppress most of these thoughts, but it's useless to not think about anything. I've already had my fair share of UAD attacks this week already. Being unable to focus on my other projects has made it all too easy for the UAD to make a full return, almost every day by its current frequency. That's one of the reasons I'm trying not to show myself to anybody in my family. I can't reveal to them that anything is wrong, even though I can't present myself as normal about half the time.

Once I was at the park again, I set my things down, ensured that nobody was too close around me to notice my activity, and tried once again to project my signature and contact Lumina like before. It required me to plant my feet apart just slightly for balance, while I shut my eyes, thought entirely about Lumina, and projected my feelings and thoughts into that part of myself, into the sector of my brain that I have no definition of.

With desperation and determination, I stood there tensing slightly, projecting as much psionic energy as possible from my brain. I could sense the barrier all around me; the heat of Georgia. Projecting my mental energy outwards came with more resistance than I was used to, so I forced myself to try even harder, keeping my concentration on everything related to Lumina. For long moments, nothing came of it. I expected to hear her voice calling my name, or for her to say something in surprise that I could call her through this hell.

Instead, I nearly collapsed after hearing only silence. No matter how much I wanted to be with her again, no matter how hard I tried, the connection wasn't working. Plus, all of that projecting I just did drained me for a brief moment, making me weak and disoriented. Only when I came to again, hunched over on my knees to keep myself from falling, did the results of my efforts register.

"Dammit! Why?!" I screamed furiously to the sky, no longer caring if anybody behind me noticed. Unsatisfied with how cheated I was, I started pounding my fist into the woodchips of the floor, rapidly and in succession without end. "Why? Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!" I blasted my legs up so I could stand, and used that momentum with my shoe to kick the woodchips with utmost force, blasting debris everywhere. "Raaagh! Dammit!" Refusing to let this anger go, I picked up my water bottle I left behind me, and slammed it against the ground as hard as I could. The bottle's cap flung off while the plastic bounced before spilling over.

I was about to continue my rampage and keep stomping around some more, but somehow, my upset sunk into a calmer phase. I asked myself what the point was of ripping up the earth, and instead sunk back down to my knees in an embarrassing sob. Tears splashed below me like a miniature waterfall. I had no more strength to stand, I cared not how much I had left to breathe.

"Lumina!" My voice muffled through my hair and fingers soaked together by sweat and tears. All that I want right now is blocked away by something I can't control. Thinking about anything else isn't possible either. This mental anguish is all I have left of us. I might as well be in pieces, though I don't care anymore. Without Lumina back in my life, everything I do, everything I think about has no meaning to it.

What was the point of today? What was the point of waking up today just to hurt this much? Why do I even bother rotting away in the sun? Nothing matters anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. I can't keep doing this anymore, falling asleep and waking up to the same empty world. What the hell do people even do every day? What am I doing alive on this godforsaken planet? What purpose could I possibly serve in this state? If I can't live with the one person I care about most, then what is the point of living at all?

So many thoughts swam through my head at once, but I no longer felt the anxiety or rushing stress I was used to. Now, I felt slower, docile, empty. This feeling kept me on the simmering ground for countless minutes as I told myself how worthless I was, as seconds stretched into minutes. I started to question reality as well. Despite what I was sure of earlier, I wondered whether Lumina was ever actually real, or if she was just a dream I wanted to last forever. But now that she's gone, I have nothing; I feel nothing.

I can breathe again, but it's just not the same anymore. I can see again, yet the world is darker and uglier than I remembered it being. I still feel like I could cry another river of sorrow, but the tears seem to have stopped for now. The only thing I've learned from today is, I shouldn't care anymore about anything. Maybe that's the only way I can keep going on, if all I can feel and sense returns nothingness.