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<06/16/2011 - 16:00 | 1010 Link Street, Marietta, GA, USA>
"So? What do you say?" My mom waited happily on me to confirm that all was well with everything in front of us. Her expectant patience kept Ivan and Peterson quiet for a couple more seconds.
"Eh? Thanks. I'll play with it soon." I did my absolute best to fake another smile and keep my voice pitched up a bit more this time, but I wasn't sure if they could see through my facades.
I was holding onto a new I-Pod Touch in one hand, and the tattered remains of the alluring wrapping paper in the other. I'll skip through the morning aspect of today just to reveal that today is my birthday. I'm no longer fourteen years old anymore. I'm fifteen now.
The problem is, I couldn't care about this in the slightest. I've never hated a birthday before, but today is the exception. I really do appreciate their efforts to throw in gifts for me, and I probably will make use of this device later, since I mostly used my old phone for music anyway. Through the big and small gifts however, only 20% of my mind was distracted from the very same problem I've had on it for a few weeks. It's the reason I was trying so hard to feign happiness and amazement. There's only one present I would like today, and the laws of physics say I can't have what I want.
"Happy birthday son."
"Thanks." I couldn't even maintain eye contact anymore. I wanted to scream out all that haunted me now, but I wasn't able to move or speak for the next few seconds. Even Ivan gave me a weird look, realizing how distant I've become lately.
"I'm going to take a walk outside, if that's alright." I knew nobody would oppose the idea, but I didn't want to sound like a jerk. I took some time throwing away the trash and preparing my old music player to work with whatever I threw at it, while everybody else went about their business. Luckily, I don't think anybody noticed that I was halfway out of it, since I don't normally speak up a storm anyway. That's how it has to be too. My mother, my father, and even my brother Ivan can't know my secret, or even suspect that I have one in the first place.
Once I got outside again, everything that bothered me felt so amplified. The intense heat of the sun blasted into my body before I could even step into the light. The humidity outdoors was just as awful; I knew just then I would be sweating buckets before I even get back from my walk. If I had to estimate on sensation alone, I would guess this to be about 80oF, which would convert down into 76oN, without direct sunlight.
The blinding light of that blasted gas bag forced me to shield my eyes until they could adjust, but I was never used to this much sunlight at once. Even though I hate the summer heat, these walks I go on through the streets help keep my mind clear, if all is well. Lately though, the outdoors has become the only place where I could unleash all the damaging chaos from within, the feelings which have been warping and crushing my entire soul, no longer controlled by what used to hold back by infinite sadness.
Alone to myself at last, I dropped the act I put on earlier, sinking to my knees from the surrounding heat. My arms and breath were trembling, and the upset in my stomach was still so strong. I felt like I had to yell as loud as I could and throw up at the same time. As I glared up at the sky, my eyes glossy with malice and confusion, I cursed at this side of Mother Nature with every tensing fiber in my body. That which I could not control started killing me inside, killing all that made me feel alive.
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All I want today is one single thing. I want to have one more moment with Lumina. After that wonderful night we had, the warmth that came in to wreck our connections never wavered since. I've been without a connection to Lumina for over two weeks, and this summer heat is only getting worse at an alarming rate.
But I have to be wrong! It has to get cold again soon! I'm sure the very start of a long summer was not two weeks ago. It can't be! I don't know what to be sure of anymore. Lumina told me this would happen, but I just don't believe heat itself can stop us from checking in with each other. What if something else is going on? What if Lumina is in some kind of danger?
As it did before since many days ago, my heart started racing with anxiety. I wasn't sure if I should be angry, depressed, or worried sick that something horrible has happened to Lumina. The more I thought about it today, the more worried I became. I have absolutely no way to see how she's doing, or even hear from her that everything is fine. She could have been injured and I'd never be able to know it.
I pushed those thoughts further back as much as I could, since they only accelerated my worst fears enough to tease a heart attack, but what I was feeling right now was not going away. Even when I tried walking with music in my ears, the horrible feelings drowning me only intensified, minute my minute. I've never felt so real and fake at the same time. My racing heart dangled a dangerous concept before me, that this entire world might be fake; that I'm some part of separate reality only drawn by simulation. What would that make me? What would that make Lumina?
Each pulse I felt made me imagine momentary ripples of void in everything I knew, as if some supernatural force were tearing this world asunder. The end of the world; the end of my world may be here at last. All I could think about now was how hot it was outside. All I could think about was how I could get in touch with her again. All I could think about was Lumina, day in and day out. There were no longer crafty conversations in my head, just silence. There were no longer any visual trips through our eyes, only darkness. There were no longer any moments to enjoy between us, only emptiness.
But everything will be okay. It has to get cold eventually. If not this week, then maybe the next. And of not that week, then maybe the next one. It has to get cold again! It can't stay like this in Georgia forever!
Right at that thought, I started chuckling deliriously, forcing myself to agree even though my body felt like it wanted to explode. It was as if one half of me was panicking inside, while the other tossed aside doubt, in declaration only. It was a kind of laughter I've never expressed before, directed at myself as false as it was.
Whatever hope I thought I had didn't last for more than ten minutes. Lumina was everywhere in my mind, everywhere I looked or thought back to. I couldn't concentrate on anything as well as I used to. The memories of her only intensified how quickly I started freaking out inside at her absence. It made me want to jump out of my own body and break any law just to see her again; but I could do nothing. I am no match for the weather. I am no match for a fate as cruel as this.
As soon as I realized that, I decided to just head home, knowing I'll at least be safe inside my own room where nobody could see or disturb me. I know already what's about to happen; I may not even make it back in time before it all floods out of me again. I've been crying my eyes out for the past four days now, keeping this to myself and playing off the after effect as allergies or headaches. I think now, I'm going to drown in my sorrow once more. The memories I cherished so much were now assaulting me from every angle, turning my ordinary life into pure, extraordinary hell.