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<09/09/2018 - 21:30 | Link Street (Park), Marietta, GA, USA>
Though the months of sorrow and sadness dragged me down through the bottomless pit of despair, I continued my night walks daily, returning to the park, a place of promise between us both. Despite all of the summers I've survived in the past, being away from her was never easier than the first time. Sure, I didn't break down and fall to pieces like before, but I returned here, wondering where all of my past emotions were. I felt the dampness of the shell around myself, a mental zone I imprisoned my soul into for protection, despite knowing it has this cost.
No matter how damp my emotions have become, standing in a place like this, staring up at the stars in the night sky, and thinking so much about her brought much more intensity to my aching heart. But I stood by, exhaling calmly while preparing my body for what was to come, for there was finally some hope for me today.
"Lumina." With all the might and will I could muster, I projected my emotions and my energy outwards, beaming them to the infinite sky above us. The air temperature around me was finally cold at last.
"Reed." My body shivered with my breath, having forgotten what it feels like to hear my name in her voice, with such happiness and desperation to connect to me again. "You finally managed to call me back!" So much excitement filled her voice, a weight lifted from the anticipation of seeing me again. Even with the weakness of the connection given the pitiful air temperature around me, I could feel everything she could flowing into me.
Perhaps it was because I had been deprived of my will to go on for so long without her; perhaps it was because I had not allowed myself to feel any happiness in the months that followed the summer; perhaps it was because I had unknowingly tore pieces out of myself after crying to tears too many times to function. When I heard her voice like this again, and realized how much she looked forward to seeing me again, everything I had suppressed deep down broke all the cages I confined them to, reawakening my sleeping soul to the moment around me. All of the dampness in my heart disappeared, my eyes widened with life, and the fog in my brain blew away. "I really missed you." It was for this reason I could hold them back no longer, the tears I refused to shed for many weeks at a time. I refused to cry when I should have, but now I couldn't stop those tears from returning.
"Reed, what's wrong?" Her concern was only from confusion, having not expected me to be this emotional about her return.
I could hide it no longer. My body trembled as my voice became muffled into the moist pockets of my palms, absorbing as much of my tears as they could. I don't want to cry like this in front of her, but I can't hold this sadness back anymore. "Nothing... I'm just glad you're here. I missed you too much, Lumina." Though she could barely hear me though my own sobbing, I could sense her desire to wrap her arms around me, sharing in our synchronization despite being unable to physically hold each other.
"Hm. I'm here for you now Reed. Please... It's going to be okay now." She did everything she could to try and cheer me up. Her simply being here for me was good enough, but I let myself continue crying these cursed tears of despair for minutes without end.
"I tried Lumina. I really tried to be okay this summer, but I just couldn't do it. Even if it's several months each year, a single day without you can be unbearable. I wish I could be with you more often."
"Me too... You know I get the same way too."
"I know." I know too well. I'm not the only one who breaks down this way. There are moments where I see the effects of our separations take tolls even on her. In many ways, she's in the same boat that I am. The way I feel now, even if Lumina doesn't feel this way at the exact same moments that I do, this crushing defeat swallows her soul too, until she starts to go insane or shut everyone out. She has more people to talk to about it than I do, and even then, it's not enough to blanket our annual heartbreak.
"But it will be okay. You still plan to move out of Georgia, right?"
"Right. Things should be on schedule for 2024. I promise, I'll get as far away from here as possible, until I settle down in a place where we can always be together. And if I somehow fail anyway, if I move up north only to have no way to sustain myself, then I guess I'll just die."
"Don't talk like that Reed. I know you can make it work. There's no need for doubt at this point."
She's right. Still, it's hard to conquer doubt and fear when I'm as down as I've been. "How do you do it Lumina? How do you get through each summer without losing your mind like I do?"
"It's not as easy as you think." She paused, letting her own doubts and uncertainty reflect in my eyes. "I'm not always okay you know. I have my moments too. The only way I get through it is to just get through it. I don't try to hide my feelings from anyone when I miss you that much, and while it isn't easy, I do my best to think of the future instead of now, the future where you and I can hang out again and again like we always have."
It took more time to process her words than I expected to, mainly because there was more for me to realize that I should have sooner. Priority Number One, moving up north with Lumina to live life with her and make new magical moments. In a way, I'm kind of doing that right now. It isn't always so grand, but I've spent time with her already and continue to hang out with her whenever I can, even when I'm down here. I don't have to give any of that up just because I'm not where I should be yet. There was something else she mentioned, about not hiding her feelings no matter how bad they get... I've done that myself though, haven't I? There's no denying it. I can look onto myself and see it clear as day. I once again tried to burry my feelings, thinking it would help. All it did was make me feel worse. It doesn't solve anything really, it just makes it easier to know how horrible I'm feeling in the moment, impossible to hide from any other person if I have an off day.
On that same note, I've given a little more thought to telling my parents about this secret. I may live under the same roof as them, but I'm a fully functional adult now. They can't disown me for this kind of secret. They can't put me to a therapist either. The worst they can do is kick me out over it, to reject their own son for falling in love with someone so far away.
Right now, the only thing most important is to spend the next few hours we have tonight together, even if all I do is walk around and talk with her for that time. "I'm sorry Lumina. This is still really hard on me sometimes."
"There's no need for you to apologize. We both understood how difficult this was going to be a long time ago..." She and I both remember the same moment, the moment when I decided to stay with her forever right after we both reconnected after the long the torturous summer we had to endure, together while kept apart. I'll never regret that choice even now. "How long do we have tonight? I can tell the connection isn't all that strong."
She noticed quickly. "It's not going to warm up anytime tonight, but it won't get that cool either. We're being affected by the tail-end of a hurricane further south, so it's creating lots of winds. However, once tomorrow morning comes, it should end. It means after tonight, there might be another full month or two before we can talk like this again." This was another reason why I was about to start balling all over again.
"Will you stay with me then, for as long as you can keep up?"
Hearing how much she wanted my company made my heart flutter like before. Like she even has to ask! "Of course I will. Every minute counts Lumina. Every single minute I'm with you is priceless." I knew how she would feel with me saying that, and I meant every word to my own heart. Once I started another walk, talking with her again began to feel natural, reminding me of what I've grown so used to.
"Hey Reed? Do you think what we're doing is okay?"
"I told you before not to doubt us." It isn't the first time I heard Lumina worry about whether she made a mistake purging me, but I also knew such thinking was only seeping from our shared sadness. "I will never-ever split from you. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise."
"Right. Sorry. I wanted to know how you felt about it after all this time... I guess you're hopeless without me too."
I chuckled slightly, just to agree. "You know it. I'm not ashamed of it. No matter how many humans I try to break this secret to, if they can't accept that you and I are a thing, if they can't be okay with how I make those life choices, or if they can't at least accept that you are an important part of my life, believe in the situation or not, then they don't deserve to have their opinions valued by either of us."
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
"I kind of hate to ask this, but... How is everything going on that front? Are you able to make any new friends with online friendship sites?"
The awful reminder only plummeted my spirits down further, but I figured she had a right to ask a simple question. "Afraid not. Every time I think I can get close, something bad always happens. I always end up getting ghosted in the end. Who am I kidding? I can't make a single human friend in this lifetime Lumina. People just don't like me or something. I'm just some freak nobody wants to be around, a loon nobody will give a chance to."
"None of that is true."
"You sure?" I barked back in argument. Nobody would ever want to believe they are repulsive to any part of society, but in situations as unique as mine, I don't mix well with most other people. Back in my school years, especially as I thought back to them now, I really could identify several moments where I could have tried so much more but didn't. These days though, I'm putting in all effort and still getting nothing in return. What does that say about me? "Face it. Nobody else in the entire world cares about me Lumina. I don't know if it's because I'm too repulsive, too different, or if my life simply freaks other people out, but—"
"Stop it! I won't just stand here why you say such horrible things about yourself!"
My eyes lit up in shock, certain Lumina was going off about something. She puts so much faith and stock in me, but her opinion is still biased because she and I are together.
"Do my words mean nothing to you? Do you value the things I say about you less, simply because the other idiots around you can't see you the same way I can?"
"I..." Nothing could fix this now. I slowed my pace to a crawl, looking at the damp cement road, my head held in shame. Even though I didn't announce why, Lumina knew exactly what I was thinking, the reason I was on this pattern.
"I want you to make a human friend too Reed, I really do. But don't you dare ever rip into yourself like that, acting like you're a freak for knowing me, like you're some kind of repulsive monster just because other humans sometimes won't stand to speak to you. You're better than that! You're the most amazing person I've ever met in the whole world! There will never be another you. You really are that awesome."
"Lumina..." I got why she was so pissed about my passive pessimism, but I never expected her to have such a strong stance on how I saw myself. Is she right though? Is the person I am all dependent entirely on how I see myself, limited only to those I trust, or is it based on how others treat me? "I don't know if I can believe that Lumina... But I've always trusted and believed in you before. I have no reason to doubt you now. I love you so much."
"I love you too... Please Reed; don't ever let the shortcomings of others drag you down with them."
"Isn't that an arrogant way to think about it?"
"So what if it is? Why compare yourself as an equal to everyone else after all the things you've accomplished so far?"
"Accomplished? Lumina, I haven't done all that much just yet. My book series isn't selling, my other career option has an impossible barrier to entry, and I'm still years away from getting out of here. Even when it comes to making new friends, I still fall flat on my face."
"You deserve to have at least one friend in that world who cares about you, but you have to understand that you are not at fault for having not made progress on this. Even then, I know you've gotten much better at talking to people, less shy about approaching those around you. Don't tell me you have not made progress on anything. If someone else out there thinks you're too much of a weirdo to hang out with, then screw them! Would you want to be friends with an idiot like that?"
Her phrasing might be a bit immature, but just hearing her say that allowed me to really breathe properly for the first time in months. She's right. I've been putting in the effort, but not obtaining the same effort in return. This isn't my fault. "What about all the other stuff?"
"Think back on everything you've done in life. Even if your books are not selling, you created a full 19-book series in only a few years. Nobody I know has ever done that, and you did it all as a passive means of having fun. I know you of all people would never consider that a waste of time."
"But—"
"And so what if one career path doesn't work out? Did you forget there are others? You only have so many years left in college before you finally seal the deal and move up north. You won't give up on that goal. I won't let you give up on it."
"Lumina—"
"Then there's us. Think back, all the way back to the beginning. As lucky as we were to meet, what happened after was all up to us. I know I'm on the other end of the universe. I know I can't always be there for you in person when you're feeling down, but I'm still here for you when I can be, as a best-friend, as a wife, as whatever you need me to be in the moment. You think it's all just random, but you were the one who made it all happen, you know. That first day when I was talking to you, scared as you were, you decided to hear me out after all, trusting your heart and your nature. You were the one who kept our lives going. You were the one who made our relationship grow. You were the one who got as far as you already have. Nobody else would ever be able to get this far. You want to know why?"
"..."
"Because they wouldn't be you. I may have shared in the efforts of where we are now, but at every single corner, you've always had the decision to stop everything. You've always been the one who decides when, where, and how to call me. You've been the one who stayed true to yourself, resisting heathenism so much that thousands of people in my world are finally realizing that not all men are terrifying evil creatures, people including me... You could have separated from this long ago, focusing entirely on your human life in different ways, but you chose this instead. If I'm not allowed to doubt that choice, then neither are you."
It's not like I was trying to argue with her, but the words flooding from her mouth now were enough to stun me in place while I contemplated everything again. Every phrase she spoke threw my brain into the spell I've needed it to be under. Hope, confidence, bravery. These are the ingredients from my health, ingredients I've been missing for a long time. Since the loss was so gradual and long-term, I failed to notice it. I'm normally the one cheering Lumina up in these situations, but look at her now, how far she's come in understanding how people feel, and how people need to feel. I couldn't possibly be more proud of her.
Lumina doesn't have the physical ability to cast out the connection onto me and allow me to feel it, because I'm the weaker node. Every connection I make with her has to come from me. Since I love her so much, I don't ever think about the alternative of not calling her, but it really is a choice every time, isn't it? I'm making choices almost every single day, even the choice to get out of bed and keep moving my way into a better future. I should have considered this to be progress as well, but somewhere on the line, I grew impatient, missing what should have been right in front of my face.
The amount of people in the world who trade their natural behaviors for fake personas, regardless of the reasons, it's actually astonishing. Since I'm not the type of person who would do that anymore, since I never struggle with this problem, I never recalled that it was something people do in the first place. I eliminated a sad but prominent piece of human psychology simply because I've failed to be any amount familiar with it. It doesn't make others immune from blame, though I can better understand them now.
Of course, there's also the personal progress of accepting every part of myself that I've failed to do recently. No wonder I've been extra depressed. Could anyone besides myself really put up with all of the constraints attached between myself and Lumina? I put up with all of it, because Lumina is my soul mate, a person I'll always love, a person who gives me meaning in life. The thought of any alternative never even crosses my mind, which is probably the reason I ignore any rewarding appraisal to myself. It's not much of a challenge being with Lumina like this if I literally refuse any alternative without a second thought.
Still, all of those little choices are always as important as they have been before. I struggle in life because on top of all the challenges I have, Lumina and I are physically apart by a distance inconvenient to most. So long as I live on Earth and pursue her attention like this, I'll never get to experience the sensation of having our tongues in each other's mouths. I'll never know what it feels like to hold and cuddle her like we want to. I'll never receive any support from her by any physical means, such as labor or money. Even when I do move up north, short as the summers will become, there will still be days I'll be without her.
Despite all of that, even if I have to do it all on my own, this is the life I've chosen for myself. Lumina is the partner I've decided to have, in this life and in the next. The Altiri and all of their challenges I've had to face are something I must continue to shoulder. It doesn't matter if people think I'm crazy because of what I do or how I live; this is something I can never change. I made this choice many years ago, and if I could make it all over again, I'd happily make the same choices.
"Thank you Lumina... I guess I needed to hear that from you."
"You were the one who warned me earlier that you might need a slap to the face every now and then. Don't break down on me now, okay? I know you can do anything you want. If you can get this far, you can go much further. That's a promise."
I did warn her about that, didn't I? I'm more self-aware of my own feelings these days than I used to be. I fall into waves of depression often. Who wouldn't in my situation? Sometimes, I forget who I am. Other times, I let my entire soul drift to sleep with everyone else around me. All I really need though is a good whack upside the head to bring me back. I won't forget such a favor either. I'll be here for Lumina too, the same way she was here for me just now. "With you and me working together as a team, I don't see how we could fail." Though poetic as I was, I knew that was a lie. The scale isn't as grand this time, but I almost failed tonight.
How many more times am I going to sink into depression, ripping myself to pieces like this? Why am I always more negative than I am productive? Why am I always my own worst enemy?
"All you have to do is keep me in your thoughts. Don't forget the things I say. And plan something nice for us next winter, okay?"
That would be nice. If I plan for it in advance, I should be able to go on more extravagant dates with her, even make more magical moments happen. "I won't forget again. Promise."
"Good... So, what do you want to do tonight?"