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<09/07/2009 - 10:30 | Saffrin Middle School (Gym), Austell, GA, USA>
As the weeks of school and weekends passed by, that around me which I found strange only grew stronger, so gradually that I never immediately noticed. I could never fully understand why I was so convinced that something important was out there, but some deep part of me knew. It was as if I could sense some kind of cosmic disturbance or change, all without the detail or evidence to feel that way. At the same time, my fascination to the stars became a whole part of my mind every single day and night.
Obsession was a close way to describe how stuck my mind was to the cosmos of space, but it wasn't an exact descriptor. At the time, I had nothing else to call this feeling by. Minute in and minute out, about 80% of all my parallel thought processes were infatuated by the concept of outer space. All of my subconscious driven daydreams soon became all about distant worlds and what other aliens would live like. I could control those daydreams at will, but I didn't want to.
In a way, it began to feel like these thoughts were not entirely my own, yet I did not dislike them either. This powerful obsession didn't feel bad or scary. Something inside me wanted to embrace them instead, to embrace these feelings and let them control me entirely. Though I still knew the difference between fantasy and reality, I favored fantasy, wishing it to be reality the longer this dragged on.
Every time I got a chance to go outside, especially at nighttime with clear weather, all those thoughts quickly accelerated, enforcing that obsession tenfold. The twinkling stars of the universe were too beautiful to look away from. Often they would capture and stun me, forcing me to appraise their elegant beauty and infinite wonder of possibility. Seconds of staring into the stars could turn to minutes without me becoming aware. My focus would shift up there whether I was ready for it or not, whether I wanted to or not, though I always wanted it to.
The new music I've been collecting has been making those feelings even more powerful. Though I used to listen to ordinary music genres, I now favor instrumental and emotional music (the kind without any lyrics), as well as orchestral music focused on female choirs. Playing it at all seemed to excite my thoughts back to the same subject and intensify my wonder, and if I should ever play any of these songs through my earphones while staring into the stars, it would take some external distraction to snap me from the trance I would fall into; I would become incapable of snapping out of the trance myself.
It wasn't just music that amplified this feeling; the cold temperature of the fall would cause this too. Without any control over this new sensation, I suddenly enjoyed the cold weather more than I ever had before. I worshiped and prayed for the outdoors to become even colder no matter how uncomfortable it made my physical body. I loved the cold, and at the same time I was certain that I had no say in coming to that recent conclusion; for I never felt one way or the other before now. It wasn't an emotional state I could resist in the first place, so I never tried to.
But since I more often craved this dual-factor sensation, I began taking night walks more often too, despite how much my overprotective parents tried to stop me from doing so. I cared not about safety or virtue, only the obsessions my overactive mind was addicted to.
It was not just my mental obsessions that became stronger over time either. Since my sixth grade started, I've begun to notice that I've purposely been putting myself at distance both physically, emotionally, and socially from every single male in this school, be it a student, teacher, or stranger. Lately I've been doing everything I can to avoid them, but I've only become aware of it today. It took some time to realize that I've been indirectly fighting every way that I can to exclude myself from any particular situation that got me near a dude, even if it was just sitting next to one in class. The more I tried to think about it, the angrier I became.
It was the reason why I was more often sitting next to or trying to hang out with small groups of female students. With exception to Kaitlyn, my motivation for placing myself around chicks had nothing to do with flirtatious intention. I wanted to avoid hanging out with men so badly, that I decided only to hang out with women, and cut ties with them temporarily if they ever decided to join their time with other men. It didn't matter who it was. The male could be a general asshole or the nicest person I had ever met, I still avoided them at all costs.
Again, it wasn't based out of fear, but out of anger, as if they had done something so unforgivable that my sense of justice would drive me to isolate them from my life. But even though I was aware of this, I had no clue why things were this way right now. When I believed earlier that some of these thoughts and emotions don't really feel like my own, nothing drove that belief closer to home than this one right here. I couldn't explain it, logically or sequentially. I never felt so disconnected from an uncontrollable emotion I felt so strongly about. There was nothing I could do about it either. Even as it got worse, I wasn't able to resist how this made me feel, not even a little.
So what led me to become fully aware of this situation in the first place? I was slowly piecing things together gradually over time, but today in Gym, I guess I decided to have my first little outburst of insanity.
I found myself doing the usual activity in Gym during the class's many free days; walking. Even I knew it was less than adequate exercise for me. At times, I would desire to break more of a sweat, but when the teachers declared a free day for gym, I wasn't really capable of motivating myself to do anything. Sometimes gym class would provide certain events or competitive opportunities to play around and have fun, with dodge ball being one of those examples, but on a free day, the majority of the students would not go for those sorts of things. A majority of the students instead volunteered to join huge teams of basketball, foursquare, solo exercising, or just walking around themselves. Since I wasn't interested in the first three, with certain exception depending on who was playing foursquare, this limited my motivation to just walking in gym by myself, which soon became routine after long enough.
After about ten minutes of walking around however, I found my mind wandering again on its own tangent. I kept my feet shuffling at a slow pace, but without much warning, the view in the center of the basketball field demanded all of my conscious attention. Nothing over there was happening out of the ordinary. The basketball teams today were mostly just the same athletic men I was used to seeing around in gym class, but something was off this time.
I couldn't understand or explain the reason why, but an overwhelming spur of hostility and hatred flooded my entire body. The sight before me forced me to tense my arms in legs in response, becoming on edge while realizing the threats all in front of me. My eyes locked on to dozens of targets, dribbling and tossing that ball of air, soaked up in their stupid game.
My face turned scarier while my fists tightened from this aggression coming out of nowhere. Just look at them all! I scowled silently without taking my eyes off of them, disgusted at their putrid activity, associating the emotion with both the people playing the game and the sport of basketball itself. Those filthy heathens trying to assert their strength in a petty game of ball, basing all they are on their physical aptitudes and nothing else. Every last one of them are monsters! Every last one of them deserve to suffer! How wonderful it would be if they would all just die one day!
"Hey man. You want to join our game of basketball?"
For just as brief second, the person addressing me snapped me from my trance so quickly that I totally forgot what I was thinking about. It was just Johnathan. What did he ask, if I would join? The teams are pretty big, but being unbalanced by just one player could mess with the game. Part of him asking could also just be a simple gesture to get me involved in something, not that I would have minded too much.
But before I could get a chance to answer, additional thoughts more intense than anything I had ever felt before suddenly invaded my mind all at once, essentially overloading me so much that it was physically painful and disturbing. My immediate reaction to the pain was to cover my right eye burning with a mixture of these unusual sensations. For a tiny moment, it felt like a headache, but I knew better. The difference was that there were suddenly so many thoughts and emotions at once that even with my overactive mind, I couldn't process them all right away, thus it only confused me at first.
"Hey man, are you okay? You don't look that well." Johnathan didn't expect the skinny stranger, me, to so suddenly display a moment of pain, but my covering of the eye made it obvious that something was hurting me.
His voice! I growled as though acid drool were seething from my teeth. That posture and that voice! This moron is inviting me of all people to participate in his heathen sport? He must be kidding! Nobody would ever want anything to do with him or their teams! Does he want to get hurt? Does he want to die?!
The confusion I felt earlier died out instantly, and everything I knew and felt was replaced by this very moment. The heathen standing in front of me is an enemy. I've never felt so certain about something like this, but I also knew I was not mistaken. My anger was sourced from him. Johnathan was but one single man, but he is still part of them all, which makes him one and the same. My hatred, my anger, all of this is totally justified! Men don't ever contribute anything useful to society. They only burn everything down and destroy it all! It's in their very nature to do so. They treat everyone around them with such rude disrespect, blaming others for their problems, prioritizing their power or dominance above all else, and hurting anybody who dares get in their way. The world would be better off without them, without people like him!
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Standing right in front of him after lowering my hand from my eye, I became more certain about this conclusion. My thoughts festered an insatiable hatred and desire for vengeance. Despite my quiet well-mannered nature, this feeling managed to break down even that barrier which held me back from so much, melting my aggression into the words from my mouth. "You must be kidding right? Why the hell would I want to hang out with you, or any of those idiots?" I never spoke to anyone with such hostile sternness until just now, not that I felt bad about doing so. Johnathan is a heathen to, so he deserves this hatred just as the rest of them do. I was given some additional time to say more, since he stood there shocked and appalled by my words. "I don't want anything to do with you, so stop trying to hang out with me, you disgusting animal!" I wasn't yelling loud enough to break the ambient noise flushing the rest of the gym, but my very own words had Johnathan wincing back. I wasn't certain if he was genuinely afraid of me or just disgusted in general, but I didn't care how he felt at all.
"Wh-whatever man. Screw you." Johnathan simply clutched his fist, turned around, and walked away back towards his basketball team, coaxing himself not to look back despite a newly awakened storm of emotions he wanted to return back on me.
Despite the risk of making a few potential enemies that would want to threaten me later, my clutched teeth curved into a slight smile as he was repelled away. I felt like I had somehow won something. Thinking out loud was one thing, but staying it directly to a heathen's face flooded me with content and righteousness. Whether I upset Johnathan or simply pissed him off, it was less than what he truly deserved. I was still uncertain that there was anything I could do about the pestilence existing in front of me. But at the very least, having none of them near me would suffice for now.
The raging storm of hatred inside me didn't feel all that new, though I was more than sure I had not ever felt this way before, not since my own childhood, but I should have given into this sooner. The hatred and aggression felt so good! All of those heathens deserve to be hated and treated like bugs anyway! It's what they deserve for being the way they are and contributing nothing constructive to society. I wasn't scared of these new feelings or concerned; I was justified! I have every right to feel this way, so I won't apologize for anything I said just now. If anything, I'll find a way to make them pay, to make them all pay! But I should be careful too. If I do end up killing one of them, it may get me sent to prison in return...
I wanted to think that over longer, but I was once again distracted by a different yet familiar voice to my side. "Wha?" I was so distracted by my lingering chain of thoughts that I barely let a reply escape my mouth. I quickly rectified my divided attention upon realizing who was trying to talk to me. It was Banarus of all people. Damn it, what did she just ask me again?
Sighing heavily with a usual disdain, Banarus tried once more to bring up the subject. "Can you just wake up long enough to hear me out? Britney and I have been talking, and I was thinking you should sit with us less often. I don't want this to sound rude, but people are starting to talk."
What? I was so confused by Banarus's words that it helped me snap out of the trance I was in earlier. She said I should stop sitting with them? Why? What on earth did I do to make myself to unattractive to any of them? "What people?" I asked as though I were vexed.
"I'm hoping it's nothing, but I think someone is trying to start a rumor that you might be gay." Banarus found it difficult to continue saying any of this with the facial reaction I was expressing to the allegation so quickly. "I thought it was some nameless moron at first, but now that I've thought about it more, I never see you hanging out with any of your guy friends. Instead, you only sit with us."
"I don't have guy friends!" I was only speaking the truth, but something about the phrasing forced me to apply some of my anger to the sentence, nearly growling as I spoke. So, I tried to clarify it for her. "Nor do I want any..." I stopped before saying anymore, finally realizing the awareness level people must have of me, and the awareness level I had for myself. The memory of what happened just a moment ago came back, though this time I was capable of keeping my emotions about it separate from the thought itself.
I don't want any guy friends because I cannot stand any of them. I've suddenly grown to hate them enough to want most of the men in this school dead, including mostly people I don't even know. But how did this happen? Why did it happen? If I managed not to obsess over the thought of those heathens too much, the separation was there. I don't feel that same anger and hatred right now, not to the same extremity I did when I brushed Johnathan off. And at last, such a realization allowed me to conclude that this emotion was not me. Something about it was not a natural part of myself, which should scare me... But of course, it doesn't.
More importantly, "So a few idiots suddenly think I'm gay? Why? Because I'm hanging out with girls too much? You have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? Even if it didn't, I truly don't give a rat's ass about what others think of me. Seriously Banarus. You should know by now that kind of stuff doesn't bother me." I meant every word, but a fraction of my mind was still processing other realizations in the background at the same time.
Banarus had opened my eyes to another similar epiphany. I really have been hanging out with women a lot more than what other male students would consider normal. Is my hatred for men so powerful, that I now resort to clinging to groups of girls just so that I can avoid them? I was quickly making new acquaintances over the last two weeks because of this, though I wonder if any of them thought it was weird that I adamantly refused more often to behave like a normal guy and buddy up with one or two of them at least.
There was one thing I was certain of. I wasn't trying to get fresh with anybody. It didn't matter to me how cute some of the classmates were, I set myself off limits to them - romantically speaking. I did so because I didn't want to drive them away. I didn't want to scare them off, because I would rather hang out with females then men, no matter what the occasion was. But as I thought about it some more, I realized based on hypothetical analysis that I would even prefer to sit alone all by myself in any of my classes if that is what it takes to stay away from those heathens. Between sitting by myself and sitting next to girls I could make friends out of, the choice was obvious. But the other point was, if this meant I had to be alone for a while, I would still choose that outcome too, even if it is less favorable. That is the extent at which I truly hate men.
Even though I could not determine the reason why, I owed Banarus some kind of explanation. "I don't want to stop hanging out with your group for arbitrary reasons like that, but I won't force others to feel uncomfortable by my presence either. You can kick me out of your club if you want. I will simply find another." Before I could finish my sentence, Banarus tried to interject, though I didn't stop talking until I made my point clear.
"No!" she denied with her arms waving out in front of her, guilty that she gave me the wrong idea. Why did she think it was a good idea to listen to Britney on advice to someone as weird as I? "I didn't mean you were bothering us! I just wasn't sure if you were aware of it."
Banarus... Sometimes, I just can't read her. As far as I can tell, she doesn't like me or anything, so why the sudden concern for how I feel? Didn't she just say I should stop hanging out with them? Now she changed her mind so quickly? I've been hanging around her group more often, but I still don't understand women too much either, not yet anyway. "Aware of it or not, I honestly could care less if the entire school thinks I swing both ways. It obviously isn't true, but what's important is that I do what I want to without worrying about what some idiot says about it."
"Well... You could try to have at least one guy friend." Uncertain how I would react to an easy and normal suggestion, Banarus waited patiently for my reply, observing every bit of my body language at the same time.
Just her saying that really ticked me off! I felt residual levels of anger returning to me, trying to hide it, but failing somewhat since my body felt so tense just thinking about the prospect. "If I wanted a buddy, I would have one Banarus. But right now, I don't. I don't have to explain why." I wanted to tell her off, to exclaim that this entire conversation is over. My current response predictably entranced her with the same mystery I had discovered, but stopped caring about. So, instead of saying anymore, I just continued walking past her, holding my stern expression forward while Banarus just stood there in place. Even without saying anymore, I seemed to have made it pretty clear to her that I have some kind of problem with the idea of making a single guy friend.
Come to think of it, that entire conversation was weird from the start. With distance put between myself and her, I asked myself who was the bigger weirdo; me, or Banarus? Still, she did say that Britney brought up that subject first, so I'm not too surprised by the motivation behind whatever train wreck discussion that was. Britney is not exactly my favorite person, but she is deeply part of the same small social circle Banarus is part of. The two of them are twin sisters after all, so even if they are different in personality, their values will rub off on each other.
I knew I didn't like Britney much from the very beginning I met her, and that's because she is one of the most normal middle school girls around here, though a bit further to the shallow side. Yes, most of the people in this school are shallow, not enough to directly engage in bullying or psychological abuse, but enough to try the usual antics of manipulating people to boast their own popularity or to look cool. Something like that can directly affect me, like in this instance. Since Britney is part of their group, it means she will view me from the eyes of that type of person, which from that perspective doesn't paint an attractive picture of me at all - because I am not as normal as everyone else, especially since a few weeks ago. I don't hang around any of the guys, not a single one of them. At the same time, I hang around social groups consisting only of girls even when it is obvious from the outside that the circle of friends is girl-friendly only, all without exercising a modicum flirtatious intent. To someone like Britney, that behavior falls so far outside her ideal view of the world that she must see me as some kind of threat, but in truth, I can't be sure. I really don't know how any particular person sees me, though when it comes to people I don't know or don't like, I also happen to not care about that perception of myself whatsoever.
Minutes more of these thoughts, I realized that the conversation being weird might not be as valid as I once thought. I only found it weird because I had constructed an image of behavior for every person around me. I thought that because I had been hanging out with Banarus, Laura, Malica, and Britney for about a month, I knew then well enough to predict what kinds of questions they would ask or how they might try and start a conversation with anyone including myself, but I guess one month is not long enough to understand a person, as so I thought.
By the end of gym class, all I really did was summarize and subscribe to my own thoughts and feelings about the entire day. That which I thought I could hold back was something I no longer could, and so I came up with real conclusions about myself, whether they made sense or not. Overall, I have suddenly grown to hate all men, despite being one myself. When I try to think of why, I can come up with so many little reasons why they bother me, but nothing in particular stands out to tell me what started that hatred in the first place. Secondly, I still want to try and make friends, so I will continue to hang out in social groups that only contain girls, no matter the cost to my reputation, my sanity, or my worthless, wretched manly pride.