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<07/18/2011 - 16:41 | Link Street, Marietta, GA, USA>

Desperation... This is all that survived in me in the remaining days of my dwindling sanity. Every day has only been worse than the last. Nature's inferno drowns me every moment I spend outside, melting all logic until I'm no more than a crying husk of a man.

I've had too much time to think. There's been no solution to this problem. I love Lumina, yet cannot be with her due to this uncontrollable weather. But today, I've thought of the one course of action I can take in order to put an end to this suffering. It's the reason I'm far out onto the main road, crossing the street to the plaza adjacent to my neighborhood. This is the only thing I can possibly do. If I can't stand to live in Georgia anymore, then I simply won't continue doing so.

They have colder weather up north, I know that they do. All I have to do is move. All I have to do is move up north, to any random state where the natural temperature this time of year is colder than this hell hole I'm in. I don't have a choice. I have to bring the connection back online.

My desire to be with Lumina again was all the motivation I needed to run away from home. I'm only a ten minute walk from my house now, so there's still time to turn around if something stops me, but I have to do this part on my own. I can't get help from my parents to send me away up north, since they would never agree to it anyway. I have no car, I have no money, and I have only basic supplies in my backpack. Amidst the searing heat of the sun, I knew I was going to have a rough time reaching another state on my own.

I planned to hopefully hitchhike some part of the way there in between walks, or find a way to set up better transportation options. Even I know I can't just walk most way throughout the entire United States. But I don't care what makes the most sense anymore. I have to do this! I have to see her again!

My heart was already racing from the insanity of my own actions. I've never done anything like this before. I wasn't leaving my family behind because I couldn't stand to live with them. This has nothing to do with them anyway. All of this is about Lumina, a girl who means everything to me. I don't care what terrible horrors I have to face to get to the northern side of the world. If I can just get far enough to telepathically contact her again, I'll be complete.

A gallon of water, a change of clothes, and what little change in allowance I earned won't last forever, but I am doing this. I'll spit in the very face of fate itself. Nothing is going to stop me from being with Lumina again, absolutely nothing!

Then, twenty minutes passed. With the sun singeing down its rays at 94oF, I sat down with my back against the brick supports of another random building of a long chain of connected plazas. I did my best to stay out of the road, but I needed the break given how weak I've become against the exposure to heat. Every second of it made me think back to all the moments Lumina mentioned, about being unable to handle the heat herself. If I were an Altiri in this situation, I would have suffocated and died the moment I stepped outside. Still, the heat was so intense, I started to wonder if it would take me too. I hate it more than anything now.

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I didn't get very far, but the break I forced myself to have gave me some time to think more about what I was doing. I never once thought the idea of running away to live up north was a stupid idea, but with minutes passing in my failing recovery, my mind started going over how logical I've been about the plan.

I don't have enough money to get there like this, not unless I start stealing for profit and conning anybody nice enough to drive me more down the path. I need enough money to buy food and water. Without that, I starve to death. I also need to leave the most distance tonight. I know my overprotective mother. Once she realizes I'm actually missing, the police will be looking for me on the same day; I'm sure of it.

I thought of all the little small details, everything that would make this long journey a serious drag. None of those bumps deterred me from what I had to do, but there was a bigger problem bothering me more than before, one that took me five minutes to come up with as I rested through mild heat exhaustion. Getting up there is fine, but what do I do after?

That one thought forced me to try and simulate multiple scenarios for how I would live my life over there. Going up north only to come right back down here makes the least amount of sense, so I'd obviously have to stay there and continue living there. In order to do that, I'll need a real income of my own. I have no job. I have no high school completion. I don't even have any family out that way. I'll be completely and totally on my own.

I'm not naive enough to think I'll be okay if I'm not set up to take care of myself out there. A few days on the road is something I know I can handle, but for the rest of my life, I need more money to live. It's one of the unfortunate truths of life that I learned firsthand from one of those dark memories Lumina beamed into my mind. If I go through with this without a better plan... I'll die. From starvation, dehydration, being mugged, whatever the cause, I won't make it on my own for very long without a roof over my head. I'm not knowledgeable on living as the homeless do, so even that's out of the question.

Is was the one hypothetical obstacle that put a stop to my actions. I recovered enough to stand on my own power again, sweating profusely from the blinding sun. I still felt so anxious and horrible from being separated from Lumina this long, and partly from what I was trying to force myself to do... I don't think I can make it there. If I did try, I'd probably last no more than three days tops. I'd be pulling the trigger on myself just for a few final days with Lumina. If I don't have a way to continue my life when I move, then there isn't any point to this at all, and so, I have lost this war before it could even begin!

"This world fucking sucks!" I chanted while smashing the side of my fist against the bricks, bruising the side of my hand. I wanted to do it again, over and over until there was nothing left of me but dust. Upon realizing that I'm not ready to run away and survive on my own, I felt too defeated to keep going. I just held my face into my cupped hands again, doing my best not to cry my eyes away. The tears never obeyed me; the rift in my aching heart opened again, as I let out all my frustration through cursing and sobbing. All I wanted was to be with Lumina again, before I break. However, my wishes and prayers will never be answered. It was a thought as dark as death, and I soon enough lost what luster I had inside me, leaving no emotion left, and bringing back the confusion between this world, and the post-apocalyptic wasteland I remembered from earlier.

I might as well go back home. Trying to leave won't solve anything, and not trying won't change anything either. If any humanity within me survived, I reckon I'd still be stuck to the ground, crying until I could cry no more... Or perhaps that's what I've already done. There is no point. There is no life. All I have for myself is a place where I can rot. So, I shall return to my home, never to feel alive again.