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<02/14/2017 - 16:21 | Link Street, Marietta, GA, USA>

Walking around the streets I grew up on, I had plenty to keep me occupied, my company two instead of one. After all this time, I didn't think she and I would go so far back to old memories. I underestimated how long an eternal animosity could last.

"That's not what I'm saying Lumina. How I feel on the subject doesn't affect how I feel about you."

"You keep saying that like it's supposed to make everything okay."

"And how would anything make any of this okay?" I kept my walking pace firm with my voice, caring not for who might overhear my tongue given the ear buds masking an unusual appearance of conversation. Still, I wondered how I could get Lumina to see things my way. "I know you remember as far back as I do. That day, in the gym, you wanted so desperately for me to understand your hatred, to understand your malice. I never forgot about it even a little."

"Do you understand how I feel Reed? How every single time I look at a heathen through your eyes, it makes me want to jump out of my skin and cut them into tiny pieces, all because of what they did to us, for what they to the Unity, to my mother, to our sisters?!" Even though Lumina felt the need to explain her emotions, I could already feel them overflowing from her mind, splashing onto me.

"Lumina? I never faulted you for feeling that way. After everything you've shown me, after everything you've been through, you have all the right in the world to hate every heathen in the universe. I can't stand in the way of how you feel when you see a masculine idiot walk down our path."

"Then why don't you ever feel or react the same way? How come I can never feel the malice coming from you the way I used to?"

"Because I'm not you!" My immediate response seemed to shut her up for the moment, which I used to explain this to her. "You think I just go around getting all buddy-buddy with the enemy? Of course I don't. But you and I already agreed that we weren't going to freak out about the presence of heathens, until they literally threaten our very way of life, our very future. Peterson is a dick as well, and I hate his guts. He doesn't do or say anything that deserves a shred of respect. But at the end of the day, he's just a stick in the sand. He can be as evil as he wants, because despite what everything thinks, he isn't a part of my life anymore. If ever he dared to harm me, or somehow interfere with the future I want to have with you, I promise, you'll see this side of yourself come alive in me again. Getting all worked up over heathens isn't something I'm going to do at random though."

"I know."

Following her silence, I grew curious enough to understand what she meant. "Then why are you so worked up?"

"I'm not..."

Could have fooled me.

"It's just, back then, when we used to get so mad about the horrible things men in your world have done, you used to be right there with me, feeling the same thing at the same time."

So that's what this is about. I worried that Lumina was bringing me back to square one, on the matter that - because she violently hates most masculine men or general assholes, I too should echo at the same volume. Back then, she only wanted me to see the world through her eyes, but right now, I think she just wants us both to agree on something. "Lumina, listen. I do feel the same way you do. The way people are, the person inside the bodies we look at are not as easy to see as we once thought. There are times in my life when I get to see or even meet a total douchebag, and when I do, all of those feelings I locked away come crashing out again. But what you and the Altiri are doing, justified or not, is prejudging people before you could ever get to know them. I'm not even telling you to give everyone a chance Lumina. I'm only saying that you should target the heart of the issue; the very behavior that defines a heathen out of a person, be it strong masculinity or something else."

"Heathens are murderers by nature Reed. They're responsible for the death of millions of Altiri lives."

"The core behaviorisms are. Legasso embraced this the most, and used it against people he thought he could control. We've had some run-ins with people like that in our own human history, such as Adolf Hitler, and a few more I can't think of off the top of my head. My point is, you can't define what a heathen is by looking onto a man's face or tracing their body language. It just doesn't work that way. Can you stand here and honestly tell me that every single Altiri woman in your world has come to understand that I myself am not what they claimed me to be, that I am not a heathen as you've realized it?"

"..."

"That's what I thought. You and your sisters have had so much time to observe and analyze me while I was growing up. I even got to personally meet some of your friends and the Altiri Queen herself, which counts for something. I know there are other Altiri people in your world, unnamed women who probably think I'm a heathen too because of my gender alone. These unidentified women never met me, never knew me, never took a single moment to observe me, at least to what I know. You all know that they're wrong, but it's because you all have the perspective they lack."

"I know... But what does that have to do with anything I said?"

"Wrong is still wrong Lumina. The whole reason I give so much energy into observing all of the people around me, is because I don't want to mess up my analysis and misjudge the character of another. I won't stand here and tell you that hating those types of men is wrong, but you have to really think about what your attributions of emotions belongs to. Can those Altiri women really and truly hate me, when they don't actually know who I am or what I've done?"

"I..."

I wasn't trying to make her feel bad, but it's time Lumina outgrows this silly phase of drowning herself in hatred to hide the pain bleeding her more. "If this applies to me, it applies to everyone. The Altiri don't hate all men; they hate Legasso and any particular behavior or trait that might remind anybody about him. Not all men who grow up turn out that way; I'm living evidence of this. So, why not spend all of that time thinking about the positive stuff and the future instead? Wouldn't you rather use all of that fiery energy on something else, something more constructive?"

"... You're right. I don't understand how you see the world this way, but I know that what you're saying isn't wrong."

"It's not that I don't hate heathens Lumina. It's just, I've developed a better sense for what that really means for a person, a sense of a man who has sold his entire soul and never intends to buy it back. They're a little less common than you think, and, well, if I can't be certain in the moment whether someone has this exact quality, I'm not going to pay them any mind. Even if I come face to face with a heathen, I'm willing to live and let live, so long as nobody bothers us."

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"Can it really be that easy though? Every time I think back, the Fall of Zinod is all I can focus on, especially when I see other heathens around you."

"Lumina, you and I both know that isn't true." Though I heard her gasp, I didn't let up. "I try not to look back anymore, but when I do, even if I want to focus on one specific moment, I'm also reminded about all of the time we've spent together. That first summer scarred me good, but it can't hurt me now that I know I'll have more time with you going forward, always and forever. You can push these feeling away from you if you just focus on all the bright things instead, like me."

"But—"

"Aghp-awpt! Think about what you and I will do later tonight. We can watch another movie after I kick your butt in Monopoly, or we can go for another relaxing walk like this one. None of that heathen stuff can bother us if we don't focus on it. And even if you did, even if you came to Earth to mercilessly slaughter every last one, would that really make any of you feel better?"

"Why wouldn't it though?" Though she didn't announce it, Lumina slowed her thoughts from the confusion this was filling her with.

"Come on. You really think I don't understand the role of such pure hatred? Lumina? I know sometimes you like to lose yourself in that passion, and I know I might not be your favorite person saying this, but I think some of that hatred is just a mask to cover how you really feel inside. If all you can think about is that one emotion, then the heartbreak tied to your mother can be ignored for much longer... You must really miss her."

I wasn't sure what to expect, certain I was skating on a volatile topic. The overwhelming explosion of anger and sadness was one way for Lumina to cry, but she also started crying for real as I brought it up, regretting my words a second later.

"I just want something to remember her by. I want my mom to know how much I love her, how much I really cared about her." Lumina wasn't stable anymore, and she could barely speak through her tear-soaked hands, her body trembling in upset. "How could I ever prove that if I forgave the people who did this?"

"You don't have to forgive anyone to prove anything Lumina." Even though relations with my own mom are rocky at best, I know exactly how much Lumina's mom loved her, based entirely on how Lumina feels right now. It's something more powerful than words or her hatred for men. "You really think she doubted how you felt back then? Every mother loves their children, and I'm positive she loved you as much as you love her."

"Yeah, just as well as I remember her."

"Lumina?!" I sighed after realizing this wasn't going to be a quick fix. I should have realized long ago that some of my earlier pessimism would eventually rub off on her. "What did I tell you about that? You don't have to have all of your memories of someone to keep loving them. If you had truly forgotten about her, you wouldn't be this upset right now. Somehow, wherever she is in the world right now, I know she's watching us both. After what you've done with me, I'd think she would be proud of you, proud to see you've survived what she wasn't able to, proud to see that you could find your one soul mate in this world and recover enough to smile again. It doesn't mean everything is perfect."

For as quiet as Lumina was, letting my naive words heal her, her cluttered mind harbored all the intense feelings she kept back for so long. "How do you keep coming up with these profound answers about everything?"

"I was once told that I was a deep thinker. I look inside myself and the world around me at the same time, wondering why we're all here, why things are the way they are. I'm not being profound, I'm just being honest with myself, and I'm not the only one capable of it... You remember what you told me right after the last summer? I asked you how in the world you can handle the forced separation for so long, about what coping mechanism you use when all seems lost and everything feels so hopeless. Remember what you taught me?"

"Yes. I told you that the only way through this, is to let yourself feel everything at once, to not hold down a single thought; let it all out. It's the only thing I can do."

"It's a hard lesson for me to learn; I think I still struggle with it sometimes. But you have to take your own advice on the matter as well, not just for our summers, but for everything we've been through."

"Is that really even possible?"

"Tell you what Lumina. The next time you feel like you have to cry yourself to insanity over the people that aren't here anymore, instead of venting your anger through your training exercises or your hatred for heathens, just let yourself be sad instead. It's the harder way to handle this, but I'll be here for you. I'll always be here to listen to you, or to talk to you. You don't have to pretend to be sugar happy just to avoid making me worry about you. I want to worry, at least where necessary. There isn't a single thing you can feel that isn't important to me."

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't being cool a minute ago, and all you were trying to do was cheer me up."

"You have nothing to apologize for Lumina. You're the most amazing person I know. That said, none of us are perfect. We can grow and become better people each day, but there will always be something we do wrong, I'm sure."

"At least, I know that I did something right, when I married you."

"Now who's getting sentimental? I love you too Lumina... Still, don't think this means I'll go easy on you in Monopoly."

Lumina laughed at my challenge, melting any worry I had left away. "We played six games and you lost every last one of them."

"True, but I got a good feeling about this one."

"That's what you said the last five times."

"There must be some way I can win. You'll eat those words when I'm finished with you."

At last, Lumina was calm again, feeling better than ever after talking things through with me. I didn't even look back to discover how existential my way of thinking was. All I had to do was speak from within. Now, I think Lumina's off days are going to be a thing of the past, as they should be.

There was once a time when I thought so strongly against all heathens in this world, moments where I really wanted to kill people over it. It wasn't an effective use of myself though, and in the end, all I cared about was making things better. I had seen the patterns as well; the way men objectify women, build themselves up to be the alpha, tear down everything around them as a means to demonstrate strength when it wasn't necessary, and even cut off important pieces of themself to impress others, all of it! Each time I noticed it, the driving core factor behind it all was excused by the desire to become more masculine, to become strong, to exist on a level outside everyone else. Where would it lead them in the end?

I don't think like that. I treat as many people as I can with respect, recognize women for who they are based on who they are, opposed to how they appear before me. Even for the many who don't seem to deserve this fair treatment given their vile behavior of others, I won't change; I won't throw away who I am because somebody else deserves to be treated less than me. I don't need muscles to be strong; words can fight battles too, with spare bullets as a physical backup to self-defense. I don't need to put others down to stand taller; I lift others up, so that they may lift me up when I need ascension most. I don't need to hide everything I feel; I'm not ashamed when what I say or do makes me feminine or girly. I don't need recognition from others; I've learned that I'm already awesome.

This strange way of thinking that people have, that being a man is more important than personal development, that men need to treat women like bitches and hoes as a futile means of shielding their hearts from a likely break-up, or that men have to behave by these expected societal guidelines, doesn't automatically make someone evil. But it can change them; it most often does at such a young age of indoctrination. Lumina claims to never see someone turned heathen ever reverse from this direction, and neither have I. Regardless of what other people think is right or wrong, can anyone ever argue against how harmful it is to suppress who we truly are and how we feel inside? If the pressure of society is this deep, that it forces so many people to make this choice, maybe it's not the men of the world who are so wrong and broken. Maybe it's society itself that needs to be remolded.

"I still think most men are assholes though."

"Well, it would help if a lot more men would actually think about the words they say or the actions they invoke on other people. It isn't impossible to deny truth while being nice about it. I know you once said heathens can never change back to the people they once were, but maybe, if society was pushed into realizing the mistakes everyone keeps making along the way, if people would just think with their brains and their hearts at the same time like you and I have done, there may yet be hope for them after all."