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<11/02/2010 - 06:00 | 559 Motion Street, Austell, GA, USA>
Coming out of the rude awakening I had from the typical alarm clock, I sat up in bed after the snooze, slowly coming out of the zombie state that is morning grogginess. Cold as the air was on my skin, I didn't want to move just yet. I was stuck there with the sheets halfway wrapped around myself, hypnotized by the crazy sensation of my mind going from blank to something more.
"It's still early," I groaned, fighting against the urge to lie back down into bed, but my memories from yesterday began returning to me in parts. I knew already what I was in for, that I would have to go back to school in this Tuesday morning. As always, I knew it was best to start the morning with breakfast.
After putting on some clothes to get to the kitchen and eat my cereal, I let myself enjoy the silence, as I was the only person awake in the house still. Halfway into my meal, I was able to ponder a little more what happened to me yesterday. By now, every memory I had despite being chaotic and disordered was at my fingertips. It felt so unreal, like a crazy dream that should have never happened... But as I sat here now, having confirmed the date and my own status, I knew it wasn't a dream.
Yesterday really happened, didn't it? I wonder... I didn't feel any different since waking up; a tiring sensation of my brain lagging behind since I took so long to come to any level of alertness, though I wasn't comparing the feeling of being half asleep to being wide awake. I remembered yesterday more clearly as time ticked on, recalling the sound of her voice, the emotions I felt, the stories I heard, and the buzzing sensation in my head that was no longer here. But I wanted to be certain. "Lumina?"
I glanced around my empty dining room, waiting on a response. After a few seconds passed, I heard nothing at all. "Is anyone there?" Knowing I was the only human awake in my own house, I didn't mind asking aloud, but once again, nobody replied to me... I guess that proves it then. Lumina is no longer connected to me. She actually wasn't lying about that prospect.
Finishing my last bite with utmost comfort, I let the fact sink in while the current reality brought me the shadow of happiness and relief. Whatever mental breakdown I was having yesterday was finally over. As I hoped for earlier, I would never have to hear Lumina's voice again... My own thoughts are now my own thoughts, tied only to me, felt only by myself, private as a man's thoughts should be.
With that effect, I happily washed my own bowl and started getting ready to walk to the bus stop alone again, though not before I take care of everything else. It would take me 45 minutes to get ready anyway, which is why I set the alarm for six in the morning when the bus comes at 7:45 A.M.
Once the others were awake and I was out the door by six-fifty, I took my own calming pace towards the bus stop in peace, walking in the brightening dawn as if everything had gone back to normal. Things really were back to normal now, that's what I had to tell myself. I would never have to hear her voice again, which meant I was no longer crazy or at risk of going to a mental institution...
Still, the stories she told me yesterday were so far out there. I never realized it until just now, but she and I had been talking to each other for pretty much a majority of the entire day. That's why I could so easily recall what her voice sounded like. She exchanged so many words that some part of me was somehow used to it already. My mind was irrationally expecting her to just suddenly jump out and say something. Now that I was finally waking up in full, it put me a little on edge.
Partway to the bus stop, I turned my gaze back to the open sky again, revealing constellations of such beautiful star formations. The sight above me froze my footsteps, demanding my attention and critique once more, the montrum of the stars still holding me in a vice, but there was more to their story now. As I gazed up to the galaxy, I realized that behind every star is a possible story, sometimes with life, and sometimes without. Somehow, the stars up there reminded me of the Altiri, while the frigid air from yesterday reminded me of the cold snowy world that was Karnak. Somewhere, mixed in with all of those stars, Altiri such as Lumina are spending their time in their own world, trying to stage off boredom, purging humans as a way to make their lives more interesting.
No! No! No! I quickly snapped out of my own trance, holding and shaking my head from the trap I was falling for. That's not true. None of that is true! The Altiri are not real. Lumina is not real. All of what I heard and saw yesterday was just an illusion, nothing more. It felt harsh to have to tell myself that, but I knew of no other way to get the message through. Even if I can't prove the status of their existence either way, there is just no possibility that I of all people would have been chosen for a purge. There is no possibility that I would be selected by space aliens on the other side of the universe, just to ease someone's boredom. I'm not that amazing. I'm not that special! Imaginary friends are not something I should ever invest my time or energy in, not when there are real people in the world.
I continued my walk, though my pace of footsteps was so sluggishly slow. The thoughts from before were invading my mind more quickly now, as if to form a new obsession over everything I could ever remember at once. My own logic started to contort back onto my conscious. I wanted real friends in life, nobody who was fake or made up... But as it stands now, I don't really have those kinds of friends just yet... I've really made no effort into finding new ones. All I've been doing is keeping to myself, and occasionally hanging out in Maddison's group. I would have no more issue sitting near Malica after defeating my own fears yesterday, but I still can't call any of them real friends to me.
Was it ever really possible for me to make any new friends? I'm the worst at talking to people about anything... But then I do have some ideas for opening conversations. I wonder what any of them, Banarus included, would think about intelligent aliens, in theory of course. I bet the idea of Altiri physiology would be the most interesting topic to people. I could try asking what life would be like if we didn't have to sleep, or eat, or get sick, or age, but how would I even go describing that to people?
No! Stop thinking about all that stuff! I have to clear my mind of everything I learned from yesterday. It's pointless to think about the Altiri at all when I will never hear from them again. I can't treat myself like I'm that lucky, that something that wonderful would happen to me... Wonderful? Yeah, now that I think about it, it would be wonderful if all of this were real somehow. The idea of talking to space aliens by itself was so incredible, the simulated life style that I've been craving lately. And why? Because I wanted something cool to happen to me. I wanted something abnormal to come my way, to make my life more interesting, to make my life more worthwhile, so that I may one day attract friends with such a life style. It's too boring over here for me to care most of the time.
But that isn't what happened to me. I only imagined it, fabricated such detail because I am desperate for friends. I have no choice now but to try even harder to make new friends at school... The thought was the way I wanted today to go, but just thinking about the process terrified me so much. I've had worse luck lately than ever before getting people to talk or reply to me. I don't know what it is about me everyone can't stand so much, but I just want somebody to talk to about everything I see in life, somebody who isn't in my family, since they don't care anyway.
I wonder if Lumina could point one out for me, using that weird trick of hers to tell me random details about another person simply by glancing at them. I bet I could learn all kinds of interesting things about other people, and then use those facts to attract someone to me somehow, at the very least interest them. I know I can't do that myself; I'm not that good at it. I can observe so much about other people, but it doesn't allow me to get to know them.
After realizing my mistake once more, I slapped the right side of my face in anger, blasting the previous thought from my mind! What's wrong with me today? Why can't I think about anything else? Without realizing right away, I was thinking about using Lumina to help me find friends for myself. I should stop thinking that way, because it isn't going to happen again. As much as I want friends, thinking about the Altiri just isn't going to help me achieve that goal at all. It would only slow me down. All I want to do is have a normal life with lots of friends!
And then, with the last bend to the bus stop in range, I challenged my own thoughts. Did I really want a normal life? It's a life so bland and cheap, one that I can't pay much attention to... I hate this town, and I hate parts of this world too. Nothing holds my interest anymore. I can't talk to anyone about anything, since I have nothing in common with the people there. Everyone in all of my classes only cares about the mundane, the small talk, and pointless aspects of a life I've never lived nor wanted to. So is normal really the way I want to live? I couldn't be sure, but I was sure of one thing... With Lumina in my head all the time, my life would never be normal again.
Why am I even considering the possibility? Lumina isn't real! She's just a fabrication, something I made up. I don't even know how I could make something like that up in the first place, but it's all too far out there for me to believe! I can't accept this! I won't accept this! With my mind made up and charged to a specific mode, I finished my walk to the bus stop, ignoring all the pests around me while I stood there alone waiting for that stupid yellow truck.
But I was still too annoyed for my thoughts to quiet themselves down. I didn't immediately understand why I was so angry about making the right decision in the first place, but after some time, it dawned on me just as the light from the horizon sun light up the road around me. I get it now. I'm so alone right now, that I want the Altiri and Lumina to be real. I want all of that to be my reality, because if it were all true, if it were the real deal...
But it isn't reality, I reminded myself. It's all just some dream. It has to be! Even if I were to go and call Lumina back right now, what purpose would it serve? It wouldn't prove her existence, nor would I be able to learn that much more from her in the first place, right? On the other hand, she did tell me yesterday that there was more about her world I had yet to learn.
On the other hand, if I simply do nothing, I never hear from her again. Doesn't that prove she is a fake person? No, I can't prove anything no matter what decision I make... Decision? And here I thought I had already made up my mind!
My thoughts began smashing into each other, totally conflicted by the haunting silence before me. This silence in my mind, the absence of Lumina talking to my brain, somehow it's more nerve-wracking than I ever could have imagined, though I had no idea why. All I was sure of now was that I'm too confused to think properly. If I were still connected to her now, I bet I could get her to talk more about her world, to tell me all kinds of interesting stories that would once again occupy my entire school day. Anything she says would likely be interesting.
Dammit Lumina! Now I can't stop thinking about all of those stories I heard. I can't get those thoughts out of my head. I can't force myself to forget so easily... I know there is more to this. I know Lumina could tell me a lot more about her world that I have not heard already. I cursed myself in shame that I would even feel that way to begin with, but I couldn't deny it any longer. I really was desperate to hear her familiar voice again, to hear her tell me more about her world, to hear her make those stupid comments... Even if she can't prove her own existence to me, I need to know more. I need to know how much further this hole goes.
I still let myself pause, considering the weight of my own crazy ideas. I can't believe I wanted this to work so badly, that I would abandon my own better judgment and give into the temptation of my stubborn curiosity. As angry at myself as I was, I couldn't back out of it any longer. I quickly glanced around myself, turning my head left and right to read the atmosphere around me. It was as usual as ever; other students were standing around talking amongst themselves, having made the decision long ago to leave me out of their social circle. As a result, nobody was paying any direct attention to me, just the thing I was hoping for.
As soon as I confirmed that I was in the clear, I slowly backed away from the stop sign, nudging myself inconspicuously towards the side-bush that would conceal my activity from the distance I placed between myself and the others. I wasn't entirely sure what I was about to do, but I had a good feeling it would require something I didn't want the others to see me doing. Once I was by myself, I risked everything I had to give into this insatiable appetite for more special knowledge. You win today Lumina. I'll do it. I'll try to call you back here and now.
But before I could close my eyes, I realized that I had no idea what to do from here. What did she say to me yesterday? Focus on a familiar sensation and concentrate? How vague! If I can't pull this off again, it will be her fault for being so inspecific. Shutting out my own distracting thoughts, I gave it my first shot, shutting my eyes, ignoring the ambient noise around me, and clearing my mind of everything in wait. Waiting achieved nothing, so I tried to concentrate on that buzzing sensation that wasn't there anymore, trying to remember how it all felt without trying to imagine it happening.
With a stronger tensing to my whole face, I eased up momentarily, realizing that this was going to be harder than I thought. It was much harder to keep my focus when I didn't know exactly what to do, but I still had a hunch that I could figure it out if I continued to try. So I cleared my mind once more, trying to tap into this imaginary power that I shouldn't even have, my thoughts returning to the concepts of yesterday. I started to think more about Lumina, her voice, her face, her words, her stories, her feelings, everything. Lumina, the eye of the Altiri, the frozen wonderland that is their world, everything of and about them shot through my mind so powerfully. My memories of yesterday were not alone either. Everything I could recall from those moments of the purge spilled into my efforts.
My eyes remained shut as my mind dipped further into itself. My concentration reached a stage it never had before, as all my thoughts began to flush into a deep opening that made me feel as if my head were underwater. But point two seconds later, everything fell apart, forcing me to wake from whatever I was attempting to try. Somehow, I just knew I failed, but I also took to account that whatever I tried was never something I should have known how to do before. I somehow knew what I was supposed to do without ever having any specific tutorial, and I knew what I was supposed to do with my mind without being capable of explaining it. I only concluded that the purge must have been responsible for such an effect, but I was more concerned with the fact that I failed to make it work just now...
Still, I knew what to try now, so I tried once more, fueled with determination to get Lumina back into my mind. I didn't want today to be like any other day. I didn't want to go through class with this deafening silence in my mind, with my montrum now on the Altiri and nothing else. If I can just concentrate on bringing her back, I can do this. Lumina. Reciting her name while closing my eyes, I tried the same trick again, only I gave myself more mental concentration than I ever did before.
It was a little easier after the second attempt. I realized that projecting my thoughts aloud was not the only sensation that could be projected into thoughts. Using the same tactic, I could project my own focus apart from myself as well, psionically sending my entire effort out like a wave, which gave me the sensation that my thoughts flushed underwater and dove deeper than anything has before. Shortly after I did, a slight buzzing sensation returned to me, but I wasn't done trying just yet. All I could think to do from here was to repeat her name until something happens, all while keeping my concentration aura working. Lumina... Lumina... Lumina! I kept reciting it louder each time, dethatching my projections with my pulse until my entire body was tense from the effort.
I then used my words to continue the chain, separating all other thoughts from the present moment while I tried to feel her presence gain, to send my psionic energy to her with absolute certainty that she would detect them. "Lumina!" I kept this going for as long as I could, despite feeling a slight drain increasing inside my own brain at the same time. I knew I couldn't keep this up forever. Whatever I was doing by projecting this unknown energy in this unknown tactic, it wasn't something I could sustain forever, and it began to drain the life force from my entire body. "Lumina..." But I didn't relent. I kept all of my thoughts stuck on her without processing them myself, instead focusing on the sending of this invisible energy.
"Reed!"
Letting go of all I was doing, I gasped from hearing that voice again. It definitely belonged to Lumina, and it even echoed ever so slightly in my mind as I remembered it doing. Agh! Wha— It worked? I wasn't expecting it to be that easy, but that really was her voice just now, right? Did I really just managed to call her back using telepathy of my own?
"Yes!" Lumina cheered with joy. "Of course it worked. Just, give me a few seconds..."
I shouldn't have been startled by how easy it was for her to hear my thoughts. Even when I projected them with less power, she could still pick them up, but that mattered least to me now. I wanted to explain myself first, to let her know why I was calling her back in the first place, though her request for a few seconds of a break demanded my attention first. "Lumina?" She was suddenly quiet. "What's happening?"
"There!"
I wanted to ask what was happening, but as soon as I heard her finish her silent and unknown task, the buzzing sensation from before returned to me with full power, and though I still could not see through her eyes, I had this strange sensation as if I were anyway. "Whoa! I can feel that."
"I've stabilized the connection so that it doesn't drop on its own. Since it's cold outside, it should stay like this all day too. It must have been tough trying that for your first time, but it will get easier as you go."
"As I go?" I figured out by now that Lumina was jumping to her own conclusions, and it was difficult for me to keep up with everything already since I was confusing myself by my own motivations. It amazed me already that I was able to reach her anytime I wanted to. It amazed me just as much now that I was able to think about what I just did. Whatever ability I was using had no formal explanation; I don't even know what I did just now. If that really was telepathy, then I just invoked it without a full understanding of what it was, which seemed impossible to me. But first, I had to set her straight. "Listen. I still have not yet decided whether or not I should trust you."
"But..." I can tell my words surprised and offended her, but I needed her to know firsthand what this was all about. "Why did you even bother calling me then?"
"Because," I struggled to explain, "I decided to ask more questions about your world, even though I have not brought myself to believe it. I don't really know why, I guess." I felt a little embarrassed at myself. I shouldn't have done this at all. It's wrong. It's crazy. It's everything I should have considered forbidden... But I just couldn't help myself.
Returning to her cheery mood, Lumina obliged my odd request to keep me company, right as I could hear the diesel engine of the bus arriving, forcing me to walk back to the bus stop. "I knew you couldn't resist! Told you school was too boring and normal without a guide."
"What guide? If I had you directing my actions at school, I would have ended up in a different place entirely."
"Ah, there's that passive aggressiveness. I see you are fully awake too then."
This is the weirdest situation I've ever been in... But it's too late to turn back from it now. "Whatever. You have some explaining to do on the way to school, starting with how the hell I was able to call you back without ever being shown how."
"You got it. One long explanation coming up."
"Please try to shorten it." I begged of her to make life a little easier on me, while I thought of ways to do the same for myself. At least now, I was already becoming an expert in separating my physical voice from my mental voice. Nobody around me looked at me funny anymore. I continued to talk to Lumina without anybody ever realizing she was here with me in the first place, and as soon as I sat down, I knew I was in for another long day.
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<11/02/2010 - 08:11 | Saffrin Middle School (Halls), Austell, GA, USA>
Thanks to the bus running a little late, I took my aim at walking into the school towards my first period, skipping homeroom as nothing important ever happened in that specific roll call class. I was trying to talk to Lumina on my way over, teaching myself how to walk and talk at the same time, which wasn't as easy for me as it should be.
So much was still going on through my mind at the same time, such as the explanation Lumina gave me earlier on the bus to my previous question. She basically explained to me how the purge gives us humans the ability to initiate and invoke telepathy as if it were an extension of a controllable body part. We learn how to invoke telepathy, without fully comprehending how it works or why it works; a consequence of skipping that step of preparation. Apparently, I don't have to know how it works in order for it to work, just like I don't understand how I am able to blur my own vision at will, yet I still can.
The summary freaked me out just a little. If all of this were real, it would mean that an alien really activated a hidden ability within my body that I could now invoke despite not fully understanding how. I remembered exactly how it felt trying it too, even though I couldn't understand or explain it logically. Does that mean I can project psionic signals if I simply concentrate in just the right way? Or is my insanity level so high now that I can't control what I feel anymore?
I still didn't have the answers I wanted, and I was sure enough Lumina would never be capable of confirming it one way or the other. As cool as this telepathy is, there doesn't seem to be a way to hatch an opportunity from this ability to show others how it works. I can only communicate with Lumina exclusively. The limitations of my own ability is pretty much telepathy with one single person, which is why I can't even prove anything to myself as of yet. "So, does this mean I'm just crazy, or insane?"
I knew Lumina would not appreciate my constant acknowledgement of my disbelief regarding her, but I still felt the need to let her know anyway. "Come on. You really think a hallucination would last this long?"
"I don't know." Before a few days ago, I thought I knew everything. Then, some Altiri woman invaded my mind and flipped my entire world upside down. As far as hallucinations go, I was under the impression they could only last for one full day tops, excluding those who are schizophrenic. If Lumina is a hallucination, then my own assumption about this was wrong. And if she is real, well, I would have to prove it first before continuing that thought process.
"If you can't bring yourself to believe whether or not I'm real, then maybe you can decide whether my advice is real or not."
"Advice?" What is she going on about now? Did I ask her for advice on anything? "What are you, my teacher now?"
"You may not realize it yet, but there are so many better things you could be doing right now."
By now I rounded a corner of the hallway leading closer to my Social Studies classroom. "You mean, other than talking to you?"
"I'm talking about making new friends!" Lumina yelled in her reply to my snarky attitude, surprising me somewhat, but not enough to jump.
"Oh..." I had no idea where she was going with her words, and her offended attitude only revealed to me how rude I was being to her. I shouldn't joke about hating the idea of talking to her, not after I decided to go and call her back of my own accord. But I couldn't help myself from turning into a smartass sometimes; it was an attitude I fell into every time I was nervous about something, which I never used to do until now. "Sorry. I didn't mean that."
"Look," she sighed, "I know this isn't easy on you. I'm doing my best not to freak you out. I'm good at reading people, but I'm not perfect at the skill. I can't pretend like I really know who you are. Of all that time watching over you, this is only the second day we've met. I'm bound to mess something up."
"Does that mean yesterday's fluke was just a lucky guess?" I was referring to her demonstrated ability to read facts off of people's body language, something she managed to do quite well in front of me. "If so, why risk getting it wrong in the first place?"
Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
"Because I really want this to work. I'll do everything I have to until you can look at me as your friend."
"Fine! Fine." I didn't want to try stopping her from such an impossible goal. It felt weird allowing her back into my head like this. Even if I could hide some of my thoughts, having her here made it compelling not lie to Lumina in the slightest. I wanted friends other than Lumina, but I can't see the harm in trying to be a little nicer to her too. Just because she isn't real doesn't mean I have to be a jerk to her.
Right as I made way to the door frame of my first period class with others flooding the hallway, I stopped short in front of three faces I recognized, standing beside a few lockers from the door. They were in the middle of discussing something when all three of them looked up at me, my attention won over by the surprise of their presence here. It was Banarus, Malica, and Kenzaki, all laughing together at some joke I must have missed. But as soon as I stopped short of their huddle group, my presence put them on thin ice.
"What is this, some kind of joke?" What are they doing here anyway? They all have their own class elsewhere, so why hang around here? Is she trying to mess with me? I realized that their reason for standing about here could have merely been coincidence, but before I could be sure, Kenzaki decided to get up in my face.
"Man, how about you quit being an idiot and just get over it already?"
He doesn't realize that his association with the two of them wasn't entirely the reason I was ticked off in the first place, and he only sounded dumber to me as a result of jumping the gun. "I already have, dumbass." Kenzaki didn't scare me one bit, as he was actually shorter than me by an inch. Even so, I felt the need to add more, to signal to the three of them that I wasn't actually angry at anyone anymore. "As long as you quit asking me to sit by you, there is nothing else to discuss."
"But I thought you didn't mind anymore, since yesterday."
Does Banarus think she can pull that over me and wear my own pride like a badge? "I was just going along to get along. I have other people I could be talking to today, so no thanks. I'm going to sit where I want to." Still, who does Kenzaki think he is to keep hanging around this cheater? Doesn't he realize he too will be dumped the same way one day?
"Other people?"
Not bothering to answer Malica's curiosity, I stormed off, walking straight into the classroom with my back turned to them. I refused to face them for the rest of the day, still heated about what happened before. They didn't follow me inside, since this wasn't their first period. So, the silence away from them gave me real peace of mind as I sat in an isolated desk waiting on the instructor to get started.
"You sure that was wise? I can't even seem to prove myself to you, but what will you do when others start asking questions about you sitting alone?"
I don't see or care why she is so concerned about it, and the silly idea of it launched me once more into a sarcastic and passive aggressive mode. "Maybe I will just tell them everything, that my mind was somehow invaded by a space alien using advanced telepathy, and that you haven't left me alone since. I'm sure to get popular then."
"I'm being serious about this! You can't tell anyone about me."
Interesting. I've been the one bouncing between whether I should or shouldn't expose this little secret, but I wasn't expecting Lumina to desire keeping everything in the dark. "Why? Cause that would ruin the whole 'elite-aliens-only-stick-together club?'"
"Well, think for a moment how it would all really go down. What happens if you told your old human friends about me?"
"Well, assuming I could get them to accept it, they would think it's pretty cool. But if they don't believe me, I'll just be seen as a looney-toon."
Lumina mentally projected the noise of a buzzer from one of the game shows I used to watch, emphasizing how incorrect I was. "Wrong! The correct answer is — they will never accept any explanation that defines what I am. Anyone who hears about it will think you are crazy. And I hate to say this, but the same goes for your parents too."
"Okay..." Though I sounded confused, I understood where she was coming from. I didn't think this was the one thing she would agree with me on, and hearing her say it made me more certain than ever that her warning was the closest possible truth.
"You didn't tell them already, did you?"
"Of course not!" Why in the world would I tell my own parents that I might be going crazy? This week has been weird enough. "You really think I want people to think I'm crazy?" I paused shortly, hearing Lumina take a reliving sigh. Even though I felt surer of it now, the facts brought me to a new realization that was ultimately depressing. "Still, it might be nice if I could explain this all to somebody I trust."
"It won't bring you what you want. I can promise you that. If you start telling other people about this, they will ridicule you to no end. But if you told your parents about this, it could be far more dangerous."
Dangerous? "Dangerous how?"
"Well, you are only fourteen years old. This means they hold a lot of authority and power over you. With a snap of their fingers, they could decide that you are insane, lock you in a mental institution, and throw away the keys."
"Right..." I had considered this possibility yesterday, but never had enough time to simulate it happening. That's what she means by dangerous. If I wound up in a mental institution over this, they would do all kinds of things to me until Lumina is unable to visit me anymore. As far as Marrie and Nigel go, I wouldn't put it past them to do something like that to me, even if it was in the name of health. "That might happen."
"It's worse than a prison, and they force you to take medicine that you would not like." Based on what was said and observed earlier, Lumina could speak from experience, since she heard the story of a particular individual that it happened to due to a purge.
Even so, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something wrong with me, something bad enough to warrant me going to one. "Yeah, but if all of this is fake, wouldn't I benefit from going to one?" I couldn't muster any confidence into that statement, because the idea of actually going through with it terrified me beyond anything I ever feared before.
"Will you listen to yourself Reed? If you don't want anything to do with me anymore, then just hang up right now! I can't believe you would ever consider going inside such a place. You have the power to choose whether I'm here with you or not. You aren't required to call me anymore. That's all I was getting at."
It was clear to me from Lumina's attitude that she was upset. The way she spoke about this being my choice signified that her ultimate concern was ensuring I'm not looked at like a nut case, even if it meant not calling her ever again. I couldn't observe what kind of face she was making, since I would need to see through her eyes in front of a mirror to know. But still, somehow, I think I hurt her feelings.
"Hah!" she barked. "You just really know how to be rude sometimes. I'm wondering whether you really stayed the same or not anymore."
Realizing she heard part of my last thought process, I knew it was too late to make up for it. I still didn't know why she was so upset by what I said. I've told her a dozen times now that I don't believe she is even a real person, so I don't know why she was hurt by it now. Still, a small detail she mentioned earlier floated to the top of my mind. "Wait, so I can just hang up and end this whenever I want?" She suggested earlier that I just hang up and be done with it, but is that a possibility?
"We both can, after yesterday. Either one of us has the power to kill the connection. The purge process is totally done for, so you really don't have to talk to me. I thought talking was what you wanted this morning... But I guess I should have known better." Lumina sounded so sad, and I could feel a knife of guilt twisting through my heart.
"No, Lumina... I do want to talk to you." I sighed, wanting to punch myself in the face now that I realized how horrible I was being to her this whole time. I understood it now, why she was so upset. I called her back for a reason, so it's high time I execute that purpose, but I have to be totally honest with her for this to work. "I'm just nervous is all. It's making me say things I don't mean, and making me act like an ass. But I really am curious about this so called Altiri race of aliens. I want you to tell me more." As I asked this of her, the teacher began his lesson at the start of the next bell, but I pulled out my worksheets, pretending to pay attention instead.
"... Just call us the Unity. It sounds much better if you say it that way."
"Fine, Unity. Now tell me something that I didn't have time to learn yesterday."
"Like what exactly? Don't get me wrong, there is plenty to talk about, but there is even more that you won't be able to understand at your age. There's even plenty of sciences that I don't fully understand."
Yeah, that's my fault. Should have been more specific. "Okay, what about the whole Altiri eye color thing?"
"You mean how all of our eyes are the same iridescent eye color?"
"Yeah. I mean, I know it isn't only you. I also know that right now, as bright as they are, they are not glowing like they were before. I think I only remember this from one of the dreams, but sometimes, they glow brighter than they naturally should."
"That glowing effect has something to do with our energy. Our eyes brighten like that whenever we use some of our ice powers, or if we use a ton of psionic energy at once. Sometimes they are only slightly stronger than normal with moderate psionic energy usage, kind of like how you and I are exchanging that energy right now."
"Wait, right now?" If her cyan eyes have any glowing effect to it, I want to see it for myself. "Can I see?"
"Well..." I didn't know why Lumina was hesitant to show me like she showed me herself before, but I waited on her to decide. "The connection is really strong today, so sure. You can see."
Her reply reminded me about the rule of heat on a telepathic connection, which I had been ignoring entirely since it wasn't relevant for the moment. It really was cold for November this year, and it would be cold all throughout the week, day in and day out. But it was still a mystery to me how she measures connection strength.
Lumina took her time, standing in front of the mirror before activating her method of telepathic amplification once more, allowing me to see directly through her two eyes and observe her entire body through her personal mirror. I focused my eyes back onto hers, and sure enough, her cyan eyes were glowing a litter brighter than they were before, as if someone had given her contact lenses of the same color with microscopic flashlights underneath and switched them on. I wasn't able to avert my gaze from her face. "Wow... That's incredible. Her eyes are so beautiful!"
"Don't flatter yourself!" she cautioned with annoyance.
I didn't understand why she would be put off by a simple compliment, but I didn't mind as much either considering what else there would be to talk about. In order to make myself more comfortable, I rested my head slightly on my right hand sticking up from my elbow against the desk. "I was only making a compliment. Anyway, do all Altiri eyes behave the same way?"
"It isn't exclusive to me. All Altiri have this trait, though nobody understands why. Our hair color is also mostly the same, somewhere between a dirty blond or darker. Some people have more of a bright silver hair color, and some have a sky blue hair color, but it's rare."
"Do you have to cut it off all the time?" I really wanted to know more about their social lives there. I never recalled seeing or hearing about any cutting equipment or barber shops.
"No actually. Our hair grows to a specific point set in our natural genes. My hair is down to my shoulders now, but it hasn't grown a millimeter in over 700 years. If something were to cut it off, it would still grow back in time."
"Cool." This is why I called her back, not to ask about hair, but because I realized Lumina is capable of saying something fascinating in almost every sentence when talking about the Altiri. I'm the only one who thinks that, but it's still better than the alternative of paying attention to these boring lessons in school.
"And this works because... Reed? Why don't you give us an answer for the class?" My teacher decided to call on me at random, realizing by the dreamy face I was making and the way I was resting my head that I was giving the class zero attention.
But I on the other hand was not happy about this one bit. I heard every word he was saying only after he called out my name, snatching my focus away from Lumina and back to the real world. "Oh shit!" I panicked within my thoughts. "Oh shit! I wasn't paying any attention!" Why now of all times to call on people at random? Was I being punished? Was I cursed?
"Don't worry. I've got this. Just stand up and repeat after me."
"Uh, okay." I stood up, which is what Lumina and the teacher were both waiting for. But I felt like I was about to meltdown any second from now! I shouldn't trust Lumina with a situation as wild as this, but I didn't have any idea what his initial question was either. I have no answer that I can possibly give that will be correct. He'll know then that I wasn't paying attention, assign me more homework, and put me in detention, creating a record on my file that the colleges will reject, causing me to fail at everything I do in life forever!
Lumina wasn't able to read my overactive mind, but she could easily sense my nervousness and building tension. Quit being a baby and repeat after me. Lumina began reciting her answer aloud, feeding it directly to me before I could speak up to the teacher.
"The system only works by supporting the literal difference generated by the gap in wealth between the upper class and peasants." I mimicked every last word given to me by Lumina, uncertain what I was talking about.
"Well, sure. But their idea is all about paying out more to those who work longer hours. It took several centuries for this fair game to come into play."
I took my seat at last, spared the ultimate punishment of doom. I've never gotten in trouble in school before, especially not with any detention, which is why I made sure to never find out how bad it really was, but I should have paid more attention in the first place, not that it was easy with her around. Still, I can't believe that answer was somehow acceptable. What the hell did I just say?
"I heard his last question in the background while we were talking, and just thought back to it in detail."
Did Lumina really do that? I was forced to accept this strange fact now, but there is no way I could have known a right answer and given it to my teacher at the drop of a hat. How did she come up with that if she wasn't the real thing? "That memory of yours is stellar."
"I assure you our memory is far from perfect. Altiri have better short term memory than long term memory."
I wondered how their memory would work if they never aged. There would have to be some point where remembering something from 100,000 years ago would be tougher, even if their minds are more intelligent. "Bummer. Still, that was some trick you just had me pull off. That could come in handy if it happens again."
"Forget about the trick. Did you hear what he just said?"
Was I missing something? Why would Lumina be focused on the guy teaching the most boring subject in class? "I don't know."
"Your teacher just shot you down for having the right answer."
"Wait, he did?" Since when? If I didn't have the right answer, wouldn't he have scolded me or something?
"The topic was about a specific economy structure. What I told you about any form of economic structure is generally true. He just didn't want to hear anything bad about it, so he tried to correct you instead. But he's wrong. The idea that working longer and harder pays more reward only applies to certain fields of industries, if one isn't screwed out of the benefits beforehand."
That's what she's worried about? "Big fuss," I shrugged. "I'm not going to raise a big scene about it."
"Well, if you don't care, then whatever. I won't mind if you won't."
The topic of economy brought back some memory of yesterday, creating the perfect opening for me to ask her more specifics about her economy. "What is the economy structure like over there? I remember you said that it doesn't exist. But if that's true, how is there not already civil unrest?"
"Without an actual currency, everyone is treated equally and fairly at a baseline level. Those of us who go to work do so because we know somebody has to, but it's still volunteer work, and there is always somebody to switch out with. There are also so many people who get so bored, they are happy to put their hours into something meaningful."
"You all get that bored?" I never considered that to be a possible motivation for work, but here we are.
"People who work in important fields such as the military are given extra privileges, but the rewards by comparison are mostly just access to higher grade resources, or training for special powers that nobody else would normally receive. An example of this would be an Altiri scientist having the approval to be provided with a decent computer because her work is important and requires one, where as ordinary people not pursuing any specific fields would be denied access to one, since there are not many to go around."
The other parts made sense to me, but something about the military reminded me of something else. "You mean, that ice blast you did yesterday, they only show people of the Altiri military how to make that work?"
"Correct. People on the surface try to find ways to make it work for them too, but learning how to do that isn't as easy as it looks. As another bonus of being in the military, learning how to use long-range clairvoyance is also part of our training. It can be impossible to learn it without the right teacher."
"Can you take a class and relearn the clairvoyance you lost?"
"I can't. Due to the effects of psionic atrophy, that ability is something I can never use again."
I didn't understand what she meant by psionic atrophy, but it sounded complex enough to make me want to skip asking about it for now. I returned to the earlier subject instead. "I think I see now. Everybody there works both because a minimum number of people need to, while even more want to. Since none of you sleep, your days are much longer than ours, and it gives everybody something to do if they need the load. Because of the lack of currency and the provisions of water given out to every citizen regardless, there is never a divide between the haves and have-nots... That's so interesting!" Every time I hear about a specific economy system, there are always these set of downsides to them. But in this case, without a currency to divide the people, the structure works perfectly... But would ordinary humans work for free, at least for their food? I doubt anyone here would opt into that.
"But on Earth, the economy structures there have been responsible for so much suffering, hunger, death, crime... Of course, the money itself is not the main cause of it all. It could work in a more perfect world where everybody was nice and followed the rules they needed to, but heathens don't play by the rules set out for them... What I'm saying is, an economic structure might seem like a viable stable option, but in every case, lives are being sacrificed to keep to keep it going, and it only takes one single point of corruption to ruin any part of equality to the system, be it a citizen or the government. These days, nobody stands up to it anymore, but any economic structure will eventually collapse."
"Collapse?" She said any economic structure, which includes the one I live in. "That sounds kind of bad... Do I need to be worried?"
"I don't expect that to happen in your country for another thousand years, so you're good."
"Okay good." I sounded so relieved, but she had me going for a second there. That last thing I need to worry about right now is a global economic collapse that sends everybody down a spiral of hunger, death, and war.
"Hm..."
"So let's go back to this hatred for heathens..." Here's an ice breaker I just thought of. If anyone asks me today what I learned at school, I'll be happy to tell them about someone's out of control hatred to murder all men.
"You know already that it applies to all men."
"So that includes me?"
"You won't find another like yourself, one without a hint of masculinity."
"Surely I'm not the only guy in the world who—"
Lumina cut me off, giving her side of the observations. "Every other male I have ever seen carries these traits with them. And they always pick it up from two sources, the first being from birth and genetics. As for the other, men are taught how to be that way from heathen propaganda currently existing in your society. So if there are more exceptions in the world, they're so rare, I have not seen any. If I had to guess the rarity, I would say a non-heathen male makes up 0.001% of the entire male population. Once you become a heathen, you never switch back; that is a fact. My hope was that the purge would have bought you some time before you were to be tempted by the peer pressure of school life, to prevent you from making the choice to turn into a heathen."
"The purge?" I was reminded about something, between Lumina's rationalization of her own hatred, and the same hatred I inexplicably became overwhelmed with back then. "So that really was the reason I felt such powerful hatred towards men during the purge? Is it the reason I constantly sat around only girls in my sixth grade year, and inadvertently acted like one myself?"
"Yeah. That was part of the purge. If it were me in that chair instead of you right now, I wouldn't be capable of controlling my anger. But since you seem to be fine right now, the shared effect of it must have already worn off."
"I can't believe it..." It was crazy to consider that I felt so many overwhelming emotions from Lumina during the purge, and even more so that they would just vanish as soon as the purge was completed... But she's right. If I try to think back, to think about hanging out with men from the basketball team now as opposed to before, I didn't feel a thing. I wasn't disgusted by the thought, I wasn't angry or violent when coming near any of the men for the past two days, and I felt zero desire to kill anyone. I can't believe something like that can just come and go for me.
"It should be over for you now. Any effect that carried over from the purge will either go away upon completion, or shortly after. The personality changes you endured were not actually changes to you. They were the reflection of thoughts and feelings that I held during the moment I sent the purge to you."
"Okay..." I was still hung up on the prospect. It really fascinated me that I could feel something so strongly, an emotion that never was my own. It got so powerful that it practically did control some part of me for a while. Now that it's gone, I'm my own person again. Well... Two people, if she is imaginary. But I'm beginning to wonder if all of this really is happening to me, and I'm just lucky enough to be swept into the wild ride.
"Reed?"
She must want to change the subject or something. I felt pretty calm right now, and was even more proud of her for keeping to her word and not threatening to cut my teacher's head off simply because he is a guy. "Yes? What is it Lumina?"
"What... I..." I waited for her to spit it out, but Lumina was somehow unable to speak her mind, trying to find the right words to express something.
Half the time, I could feel some of her emotions if they were strong enough, but I wasn't getting a read on her right now, and she wasn't correcting her own words to tell me what was suddenly on her mind. "This is a first. You actually have a touchy subject too hard to get off your chest, the great and intelligent Lumina?"
"Just shut up!" she shouted bashfully. I maintained my silence, not because I wanted to give her time to find her words, but because I was totally shocked that she could be so mean without a second thought, yet struggle to say anything else. It was a good three seconds before she finally phrased an actual question. "What do you think of me?"
"What?" What do I think of her? I don't even understand the question or why she's asking about it. No, she must be talking about whether I've put any value on her presence. "Oh, well..." Even if that's what she meant, can I put a value on this? I'm as much in the dark about the ultimate truth as anyone is. I don't know with 100% certainty whether she is real or fake. So I don't know what to say to that. "I don't know, I mean... Good question." What do I think of Lumina? I would need more time to learn about that on my own.
"Take your time, I'll wait."
Oh god! She's going to wait on me? Is my uncertainty not good enough? Calm down, and think... What do I think of Lumina, Lumina – as a person, or Lumina – as an illusion? Does it really matter anymore if she is real or fake? I still called her back without being sure. I still want her to talk to me despite not knowing the truth. I can be uncertain all I'd like, but in the end, nothing changes even if I can't make up my mind. "As far as beliefs go, I still think you are a hallucination, some beast born from a fractured mind damaged by my own isolation... But I'm not kicking you out right now."
"You called me back despite not knowing. Why? Clearly something has changed."
Does she not accept that I don't understand the reason myself? I don't know why she went through all the trouble just to talk to me. At the same time, I don't know why I made the choice to call her back when I was already free from her. Is it only curiosity? "I don't know. Maybe I've just decided to accept losing my mind while slowly going insane."
"Why would you ever want to be okay with that?"
"I don't want to do anything," I emphasized. Of course I could never be okay with the idea of going insane, but what else am I really to do in this situation? I can just kick her out like I initially intended to, but what would I gain from it in the end? I have to remind myself right now, that without Lumina causing everything she did yesterday, I would not have grown any closer to anyone at school. I was already drifting further into isolation, and I would have continued that trend without her. She didn't screw that part up; no one did. "It's just that, ever since yesterday morning, so much has happened, that's what it feels like at least. And as crazy as this will sound, if you weren't here with me yesterday or right now, I wouldn't be pairing up with Banarus or the others; I would be sitting by myself still. The situation is exactly the same with one tiny exception. With you here, I have someone to keep me company. I couldn't enjoy hanging out with Banarus, or Malica, or anyone else."
"So then, you're enjoying this?"
Her question caught me off guard, since I could totally see that being one of many possibilities. Am I simply a masochist who enjoys torturing myself? Not likely. But all of the stories I've heard from her are not things I can forget easily... Or is it only the stories I care about? "No, but hearing about you and your world is interesting... What's that word you used yesterday? Montrum! I have a montrum for everything you've been explaining to me, one brought up by my own mind. Now that I can't stop thinking about it, I don't know. Life just feels more interesting because of it. I'm learning so many crazy things from this experience. Not believing that it is real isn't an excuse for me to dismiss it, not unless I can be 100% certain, which I can't right now."
"So then there is some chance you think I am real?"
Might as well be honest. "One percent. I only calculate a one percent probability that you and the Altiri are real and that my world really has been turned on the side."
"That's good for me to hear," Lumina stated as her voice grew softer. "Just so long as you don't get too attached."
"Too attached? Now you lost me." Does she mean attached to her story? Why would that be a problem? I thought she wanted me to believe her!
"I'm sorry." Lumina sniffled slightly, trying to hide her tears from showing as much as possible. I couldn't understand her emotions at all, so I relied on her ability to snap me out of the confusion she was causing. "It's just that, I've realized since yesterday night that you and I cannot really become the most amazing friends."
After all of that? She can't just change her mind on something this big; it makes no sense! "You literally just told me that you purged me and told me everything just for that specific reason!" Hearing the anger in my own projection, I realized how much I didn't appreciate being lied to, which I considered to be the only logical explanation. "I know that I've been saying that you're just a broken part of my imagination. But that's my opinion, not your own. You think you're an Altiri alien, one of thirty-two million in a galaxy far – far away. You think you taught me how to use telepathy, by purging me and putting me through all of that weirdness. That's your story, isn't it? So why then would you suddenly change your mind and say we can no longer be friends anymore? Answer me Lumina!"
"It's not like that okay!" Her breathing became half as rapid as my own, which was still higher for an Altiri than for me. I didn't want a bad excuse, so I waited for her to answer my question with honesty. "But, maybe I made a mistake after all. I shouldn't have acted so quickly to send a purge."
"A mistake?" She thinks all of this might have been a mistake? Everything I went through with that stupid purge, all of that time I spent listening to her yesterday and part of today; she thinks all of that is a mistake? No Lumina! You don't get to make that call anymore. It's already too late to turn back from this now. "I thought you said you only get one shot at this purging business."
"I do only get one chance. And I used that chance on you."
"So then you're stuck with me now. Get over it already. You can't undo the past, unless you have some time travel machine you are not telling me about."
"But I still wasn't thinking it through. I scouted this area, one that is known for temperature dark zones. This thing we have right now, even if we tried to get used to it and make it work, it would never last."
"Temperature problems? What on Earth are you talking about?" I wasn't happy to be left in the dark like this, but at least now I realized that whatever was driving her new decision was information I clearly did not have. But as soon as I asked this of her, the school bells rang, signaling everyone to go to their next class transition. I prepared myself to get to math, but I wasn't done with this subject. "We'll continue this in math class."
I left the room with a heavy mind, fixated on finding out why Lumina of all people was the one going back on her desire instead of me for a change. I never felt so offended by it before, but she has some answering to do.