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<02/11/2011 - 14:01 | Saffrin Middle School (English), Austell, GA, USA>

"Right? Think about the way words are used on all of these advertisements." Ms. Dang was going on some tangent lifted from another student example regarding some magazine, though I was the last person to care.

Growling through my breath to try holding back my fury, this impossible perpetuating pulse defeated what little restraint I had left. "Grd fhking Danit!" Trying to jumble my words to resist cursing as loudly as I was to the class, my right fist came smashing down into my desk. My ploy was but a vain hope to cease what was happening inside me, and it did nothing at all.

My outburst attracted the class attention, stopping the lecture from Ms. Dang, but I knew already that I wasn't too much in trouble. Everybody in school already knows about this horrible condition I've been cursed with. I rested my whole face into the darkest pit of my arms held to the desk, my body trembling from the intense response of the pain. Everybody can tell just by looking at me that I have another tension headache.

This one is far worse than I imagined it turning into previously. It only started hours ago, and it's already at the pain scale of an eight, inching up to a nine. I have no further medications I can take, no further preventative actions I can try. Even the trick to stare at the light isn't helping me this time, though I never understood that recently discovered mechanic to begin with. It's too obvious by now that I'm done with it all. I'm absolutely finished today!

"Are you okay Mr. Reed?" Ms. Dang. stared at me, allowing the class to mummer at my spectacle, half of them in sympathy, half of them in pity.

I have no modesty left to give. I don't care if I'm about to freak out, or if my face looks like the transformation of an ogre. I don't care about anything anymore. All I want is for the pain to stop! Hurtful groans escaped me periodically, and I shook my head without lifting my eyes up. I knew I wasn't okay. I just don't know what to do about it anymore.

"Bonnie? Can you please escort Reed to the nurse's office?"

My whole body cringed at those words, not because of what was said, but simply because any amount of noise above a whisper felt like burning hammers having at my own brain. Without getting up right away, I knew Bonnie agreed, and apologized in silence for putting somebody else through this. I struggled to get out of my own desk and chair, since standing was going to require extra concentration from me.

It felt like I was seeing the world through a new pair of eyes, the kind that only recognized madness, darkness, despair, and frustration. I could only despise and hate everything. I could enjoy absolutely nothing! But at least at the nurse's office, I could lay down on that soft tiny bed waiting for my parents to pick me up. It was all the motivation I needed to get up on my own and move.

I followed Bonnie out of the classroom with my backpack, but once we were out in the hall, I had to bark at her to not get too close to me. She offered to help support my weight, since I couldn't seem to move in a straight line. My legs shuffled around slightly at intervals, making me look like I was drunk. The pressure and pain pounding through the veins in my head only made the task harder, as my vision randomly blurred in and out. I don't know what is causing me to hurt this badly, but right now, it feels like I'm about to die.

So, it was a long walk to the nurse. Bonnie asked me if this happens often. I really didn't want to even use my leftover energy talking, but since she asked, I gave her the short version of it. This happens to me all the time. It's never usually this bad, but bad enough to warrant me staying home. At least it wasn't a headache every single day. If it were, I'm sure I wouldn't want to live anymore... Yeah, all I have to do is sleep this one off, just like always.

But once I got to the nurse's office to execute that plan, I laid in that same bed for more than ten minutes, only to realize something horrible... I'm not going to be able to sleep, not like this. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is already, and the pain I'm in is too severe for me to comfort myself into that mode. It was a realization that came at me with the figurative force of a ton of bricks.

"Naaaagh haaaah!" Even though it was currently just me and the nurse in the room now, my painful escapes of breath started to concern her more. I couldn't help or stop it. The way I feel now is somehow twice as bad as it was before, proving that my pain level just went up to a solid nine!

What happens at a nine? I end up in this state, shifting uncomfortably around, occasionally slamming my own arms down below me, letting my breathing become unsteady near the point of hyperventilation, and I let out these moans and groans of pure pain. Even though I know I'm screwed at this point, I can do nothing at all to curb this or stop it. My whole body is trembling even more, the tension inside so intense that it's beginning to accelerate everything beyond control. The more I'm tense, the more this will hurt, and so on.

So the nurse could be as concerned as she want. I cared not anymore about anything, not even my own surroundings. All I want is to stop feeling this entirely! To anyone who isn't me, I must look like someone who belongs in the emergency room.

"Yes, this is the nurse at Saffrin Middle School. Your son Reed is in more pain than I've ever seen him. Are you going to be arriving soon? We might have to call the ER."

I knew she would do that sooner or later, panicking enough to want to call me an ambulance. Unfortunately for us both, going to the hospital will accomplish very little, on top of the fact that my folks can't afford an ambulance. I felt strange thinking about it all though, hearing her speak through my own noisy torture.

"But I think you should at least drive him there once you arrive. I'm telling you, this kid looks like he's on death's door."

For minutes, they spoke in what sounded like an argument. I knew from that much that my father was the one on the phone. My mother could barely afford a hospital visit, but my dad can't afford the co-pay of a normal doctor, so he's much less likely to be okay with the idea. But phasing in and out of the severe tension, I lost interest quickly, until finally, I was at my absolute limit for pain.

"Raaaaaaagh!" I couldn't help it at all, but all of the subtle noises of torture I was making earlier got upgraded to wailing screams of utmost horror. It sounded like I was being openly dissected fully conscious on a table. I nearly broke the volume level for what I could normally tolerate on a normal day, and the noise freaked everyone out.

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Since I had no control over this feeling, I just kept letting it out, screaming bloody murder from how impossibly painful this was for me. My body started freaking out all on its own, and my back would arch up and bend while my fits stayed anchored to the bed somehow. As it persisted, so did my crazy behavior to scream like a wild animal about to be slaughtered. This is what it's like to be at a level 10. This is how bad my headaches can get in a matter of minutes. This is the reason I get hospitalized for some of them.

The nurse stood up in a panic, and since my father was still on the phone, he too could hear that this was no exaggeration. I looked like I was trying to struggle and break free of metal restraints, even though there were none. It was my only control and attempt to not fumble off the bed and onto the ground, which was difficult when I couldn't control any other part of my body. I just kept screaming, wishing this would go away, wishing that the light above me would somehow perform that strange miracle cure that it used to for a short time. But I found no relief.

The noises were so loud that plenty of other people swarmed the office door from outside, mainly the front desk clerk, a hall monitor, and two other students who were technically waiting in line to be serviced by the nurse as well. Their look of total shock told everyone that their issue was much less severe than my own, but I paid nothing else attention. The pain leaked through every single thought process that I had, forcing me to focus on how much this was hurting, and nothing else.

Pure hell. This must be what pure hell feels like, I told myself. The usual rambling took place around me, with everyone asking what the hell happened to me, and how the nurse was only a step away from contacting the emergency services, and it remained this way for twelve excruciating minutes. My dad did not get off work that close, but then again, neither could an ambulance get here any faster than where he was already enroute.

I really thought my life was going to be over at this point. I couldn't stop screaming for those twelve minutes. I couldn't stop reacting this way to the immeasurable amounts of pain flooding my brain. I couldn't stop tensing and trembling from my own body's reaction to it all. I couldn't think about anything else. So naturally, going to sleep was far out of the question.

But in a new twist that I never saw coming, something suddenly happened inside me. It wasn't as immediate as the flick of a switch, but within about sixty seconds, my reaction to the pain gradually dwindled. My arms started to shake less until there was no twitching at all. My screams dialed back down into groans, then eventually into nothing. My vision distortions ceases as well, bringing the world of the blinding fluorescence above me into full focus. For what felt like another full minute, I just remained perfectly still, my breathing becoming even again while everybody around me remained curiously silent.

Unsure how I was able to do this, I sat straight up, taking it slow. My body still felt sore, so sitting was a challenge in itself... But something is different now.

"Are you okay?"

The nurse asked me a valid question, but I didn't respond to her just yet. I'm still trying to figure this out for myself. The noise sensitivity is still there, and I can feel the pulsing blood in the vessels of my own eyes. It's the strangest feeling that I've ever had before. The pain... It's still as intense as ever, but somehow, I'm not registering it? "How long until my father picks me up?"

My words stunned her momentarily, since I wasn't willing to speak on my own before. It surprised me too, since that came easier than normal. I usually have to take extra mental steps just to talk sometimes with a headache like this one.

"Five minutes," she repeated. "How bad is it hurting now?"

The only way for me to answer such a question is to use a pain scale; it's the most sensible thing to do. "Pain level is still at a ten." Everything was bizarre about this moment, and so I wasn't shocked that it surprised everyone lurking around me... Come to think of it, I can't feel anything at all, except for the pain. I really do feel the same amount of pain in my head that was there before. It hasn't gone down at all, and I feel like I may puke as a result... But for some strange reason, I don't care anymore. I can tell that my entire body and mind are not responding to this headache the same way. I didn't do anything differently that I could recall.

"You're at a ten right now?" She sounded skeptical, and I didn't blame her given how I suddenly presented myself.

I felt so calm despite the pain, like I had most of all my functions restored to me. "Yes. Though I cannot express it anymore, the pain has not dialed away at all."

"Why do you sound like that?"

"I do not understand your context. I must prepare to be picked up."

"Hold on a second," the nurse argued. "Are you still going to the ER?"

It was a good question. Something certainly felt wrong about this in more ways than one. So, I gazed at her direction and gave my answer. "I will require going to the ER, likely as a means of finding a way to sleep, or to obtain a fix for this problem."

And there it was, hiding in plain sight, right there in my own voice. I only noticed it now, since I had a bit more to say this time. The way I was talking to everyone, it was so monotone just now. No, it's worse. I'm speaking as if I don't have an ounce of emotion within me... Come to think of it, I don't have any emotions at all. All I can feel is pain. Even if I think about Lumina not being here with me, I am filled with no sadness or remorse. I'm not happy, angry, or afraid. There were days when I felt emotionless before, but never totally without anything. Right now, I mentally feel mute, while my body feels like it might fall apart in pieces any moment. It's as if my mind and body have somehow been separated from each other in a reactionary manner. This should scare me, but of course it does not given the circumstances.

"I require a means through the door." I stood there at the blocked doorway, waiting for the teens to move, but I still at least registered that this wasn't normal. I can feel the monotone in my own words, even in my own thoughts. Why am I unable to react to anything the way I normally do? This I do not know, but this obviously gives me one huge benefit. Whatever state this is, I can move around and function again, at least within what limitations I still have.

Did my brain do this to myself? Did something inside my body know what was going on, and triggered whatever this mode is? I can talk and move around again, though I'm assuming this effect is not going to last for very long. It's helpful since nobody has to carry me to any car, and even though I can act again, my mind is still too alert from the background pain to calm to the stage of sleep. So, I still have no choice but to go to the ER, no matter how calm I appear inside.

It's as if some part of my body activated some emergency mechanism to give me enough time to do something about the situation. I can't do anything when I'm stuck screaming on my back like that... It must be true! I didn't even know this much was possible, but I've somehow triggered some kind of automatic emergency mode within myself. It doesn't act as a pain reducer, but it forces me to stop caring about literally everything, aside from any logical principles. I feel all that pain, and yet I'm not reacting to it anymore. At the same time, this has wiped away every emotion that I could possibly try to imagine and simulate... Nothing! Even if I pretend that something is funny, I can't crack a smile. If somebody told me the funniest joke in the whole world in this current state of mine, I wouldn't even blink at it.

Maybe that's the way it has to be for now. This gives me the opportunity to function in a manner where I can get the help I need, so that I can rest easy and remove this headache from existence. I guess I have nothing else to call this, other than emergency mode. I never thought I had one, but then I never wound up in that much pain for that long before now. I also have a hunch, that once this day is over, all of my emotions and reactions can return to me. Whether I can remember today or not, I guess I'll have to wait and see.