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<09/09/2009 - 12:31 | Saffrin Middle School (Math), Austell, GA, USA>
No matter how aware I was of these rouge emotions coming out of nowhere, I wasn't able to suppress them to any restraint. My Wednesday morning passed on just like the day prior, as did the Monday before.
It was still the same story every time. I'd lost my awareness of everything around me the moment my eyes got a glimpse at the stars. The trigger would be just as effective if the daytime sky were covered with dark clouds of mystical rain or thunder. Though a clear sky with bright sunshine seemed to dull the resonance of my obsession somewhat, as did some the occasional fronts of heat it would bring on.
But my addiction to the concept of outer space was no longer the exclusive conceptions occupying my mind anymore. I had a new wave of emotions constantly washing over me. Though I did nothing to try and suppress them, such powerful anger and rage only made my days more exhausting over time. So even in Gym class did I do my best to avoid men as much as possible. But the only real way to accomplish this was to distance myself from them on every level. In order to take on such a challenge, I made it my mission to sit at grouped desks only near other female classmates, and to partner up with a random female classmate if ever there was a group project assigned in any of my classes.
I knew what I was doing by now, keeping myself so surrounded by girls that I was attracting all of the wrong kinds of attention from everyone viewing my situation on the outside. Even a few teachers made brief comments about it, but I ignored all external opinion. I couldn't stand the thought of men so much that I had no other choice but to do this.
There was a strange additional feeling attached to my hatred of men that wasn't easy to detect at first. Being around the girls brought me some kind of relaxed feeling I wouldn't get by sitting alone. Despite how bad I am at talking to girls in the first place, hanging out with them was another story. I didn't mind their idle chatter, even when it was supposed to be one of those girl talk moments. It gave me a strange yet subtle kind of comfort and serenity inside that I found difficult to identify with. I never was able to understand what it meant, but that situation in itself also triggered some unexpected consequences at the same time.
"... That's what she set out. It was sooooo not cool!" Having got through another mini-story of various tales Maddison enjoyed delivering at the table of desks, she had everyone listening with both eyes and ears, everyone except for me, since I was spacing out again.
"Isn't that a fact of life?" Banarus expressed rhetorically, shifting in her seat to motivate herself changing the subject. "If I were allowed to throw parties, nobody would mess anything up."
Ensuring her sister knew the rights and wrongs of throwing an actual party, Britney puffed the back of her hair while adding, "But you would have to invite someone special over, at least a boyfriend. If you don't, people won't understand that it is your party they're going to."
"You do that, and your mom would really flip."
While Maddison was usually right about that, Banarus swiftly reminded her, "I always hoped my mom would be cooler than that. Still, it's not as though I have someone I can just ask."
Don't look at me. Even though my own silence to them was awkward, I never did find any moment where I could just jump in and add anything useful to such a conversation. Maddison, Banarus, Britney, and Malica were all taking about so much, mostly things I could hardly relate to. I don't know how much I buy them throwing parties, but my childhood was never that special. I've also never officially dated anyone before, so it's not as if I could jump in and offer them advice, not on that or on parties. As for my mother, she's not uncool, but she has her moments of cringe too; all moms do at one point or another.
"You've got a guy sitting right there!" Maddison pointed desperately trying to get Banarus to okay her own idea.
But upon doing so, the entire group of aside from Maddison looked at her and myself stunned. I couldn't judge, because I made the same face they were all making right now. "Huh?"
She must be crazy! I quietly scoffed and looked away from her, unable to say what was really on my mind. Other than Maddison having missed the bigger picture of Banarus's party plot, there is no way I would put myself into a party full of people I don't know. And for what? To help boost Banarus's popularity instead of my own? Even as a favor to Banarus, that just isn't something I would do. It isn't something anyone should have to do, not for this overall reason. I know I said that I was trying to be more popular, but based on what I've seen on TV, being popular has its own downsides, mainly the steps some people would take to get there in the first place. I already decided a while ago that I would not compromise who I am just for the sake of being noticed more often. I don't care about something that shallow, which is why I contributed nothing to the conversation, even right now.
"You can't just ask him something like that!"
Following Banarus's lead, Britney explained to Maddison and Malica the reason why. "Yeah. You have to pick someone more attractive who isn't weird."
If emotional punctuation such as that weird red symbol they use in anime could appear on my forehead in real life, it would have just now. Who the hell does she think she is to say that while I'm sitting here? I always knew Britney rubbed me the wrong way, but this was already too much. It's even more unsettling that the two of them are twin sisters. They may look exactly alike, but I can tell the two of them apart with a quick glance. It's easy. Banarus is the sensible one, and Britney is the stupid, shallow bitch! That's what I wanted to say, but I just so happened to be too nice for my own good. I didn't hide the reflection of my own surprise though, everyone could see it well enough.
In the end, Malica stood up first to shame Britney for saying such a thing. "That was so mean! I don't think you're weird or ugly Reed." As soon as she said that, a strange look crossed her face while a brief trembling inside her heart forced her frozen.
Banarus however followed up with Malica given the circumstance. "She didn't mean that. Don't worry about it."
"Yeah, whatever." Trying my best not to sound annoyed by it, I leaned back a bit in my chair, trying to change the subject, though it was difficult after hearing something so rude. Of course Britney meant it. I found out yesterday that she speaks this way to or about everyone. It isn't a direct target to me, that's just how she is; it's in her own nature.
Besides, since I already know what she is like, her opinion doesn't bother me at all. Getting called ugly is certainly not what I had in mind when I decided to sit over here, but it beats the alternative of sitting next to any of those heathens, so I put up with this much. Had she only stopped with calling me weird, I wouldn't have seemed surprised or bothered, because I don't entirely consider that to be an insult. I don't need the universe to tell me that I'm not normal. "Can't we talk about something else? I don't care what - as long as it's interesting."
"You know that we're girls right? And that we tend to talk about girl stuff?" Banarus tried to hand me out as many hints as possible, assuming I somehow missed that detail when trying to be social.
"Okay," I replied calmly. "So talk about girl stuff then. When I said to make it interesting, I wasn't translating that to something that would interest men." Keeping my hands on the back of my head, I decided to let my passive voice speak for me, not really considering what I was saying.
"So," Malica recapped, "you only want to hear whatever is interesting to girls?"
"Reed's not much of a manly man, now is he?"
Leave it to Britney to take yet another jab at me. "What makes you think—" Surprised at what I was about to say, I cut myself off, my thoughts now drifting back to that subject with new considerations present. No, if that was Britney's attempt to try and belittle me again, it didn't work at all. Despite knowing what she intended, I felt less hurt by that statement than the last, far less.
Though she was only playing along now, Banarus winced back pretending to seem surprised. "You don't actually mean you are into that girl stuff, are you?" Her joke was meant to ease some of the tension, and it worked a little, since it got Malica and Maddison chuckling somewhat.
Normally, I would have done the normal thing by saying "Of course not!" But I didn't want to. The very question while rhetorical stirred my thoughts around some more...
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Am I really into girly things? The short answer should be no. I never used to be that way in the past. I've always cared more about video games, game shows, and having nice quiet time to myself. But there was just something about what she said. It made me remember all that I had seen on TV and in some though not most video games. The reminders were about content that featured touch macho men and superheroes. Then those thoughts led to my other memories about my father giving me the breakdown on what things were manly and what things were not, as well as terrible advice on how to pick up chicks, which involved me doing things I never would in real life. All of it wound together into one single concept – in one word, masculinity.
I wasn't sure at the time what that term really meant, but I had enough ideas about it to realize that there was in fact a specific target of men for my hatred towards them. Deep down, I knew I did not hate all men with a burning passion, not every last one of them. If I did, then those feelings would have affected my perception of my father too. He did say things that would sometimes piss me off, but never enough for me to loose respect for him. And when I applied that macro premise to the whole of humanity, imagining men who were at the very least not too manly, that buzzing blaze of fury in the back of my mind would not activate towards them either...
If I really had this figured out, then this moment would have been more like an epiphany. But it wasn't. With everything said, it's all very confusing. The reason my mind went back to it was because of another idea this was beginning to give me. As much as I hated heathens, I hated the idea of allowing them to rub off on me even more, the idea of allowing one of them to change me to be more like them. I once thought of doing that to myself, how close I came! I must not just dissociate from them, I must also ensure I never-ever behave like a heathen either.
See where this is going? I'm still not entirely certain if it is a good idea, but I now understand one thing specific about all of this. If I try to act less manly, speak and behave more like a girl myself, maybe, just maybe I can feel a little bit better about all of this. And for reasons I can't explain, some part of me wants to do this, more so when I continue thinking about it. I tried to envision it more, to imagine what my days could be like if I were in all aspects a female.
I'd still be myself, but more feminine... I'd come into school with a purse at my side toe first into high heels, wearing the prettiest dress one can find, with my sleek blond hair alluring all the eyes around me. Best of all, I would never have anything like dumb sports or morons on my mind. If I were a perfect pretty girl, I would also have to have a thing for other women too, or else the deal would be off...
With a mild giggle, Maddison chuckled at my reaction. "Why the hesitation?"
Despite all of those thoughts, I had only really spent a few seconds thinking, even though it felt like much longer. That's just how my ADD works, having so many parallel thoughts at once. But her reminder that I was taking that long at all forced me to decide right then and there. Even with that much time, I could easily tell which choice made me happier in the end. Should I be more macho like and drive them away, becoming more like the very type of man that I can't stand the most? Or should I do something I never have before and give in to this new desire to role-play as a girl instead? The latter sounds more fun, so I'll go with that. "I guess... Because... I might actually be - into that stuff." Just saying it aloud tore through something deep inside of me, triggering every cringe response that I had developed over the years, but I had to say it, because it really was the truth.
Not surprisingly, shared shocks and gasps rang out before me, though I was luckily able to determine that nobody else aside from those at this table heard what we were saying. Still, it was quickly overwhelming being bombarded with rapid fire questions I didn't know how to answer. They were all more excited than anything else.
"Are you really?!" Malica, who was surprised beyond all of her friends didn't know what to think seeing me in this new light, but she at least considered the possibility that I could be joking. "Are you messing with us?"
"You can wear my sister's dress if you want to."
"Out of the question!" Reacting so strongly to Banarus's idea of a joke, Britney was met with a powerful shush from the teacher, reminding the class that they should be studying if their homework was already turned in. But despite that, it could not stop Maddison, Malica, and Banarus from laughing out loud.
Waiting for the teacher to leave us alone, Maddison tried a more serious question to my daring declaration of a secret better kept shut. "Does this mean you're actually gay?"
Offended by the wild accusation, I strongly proclaimed "Of course I—" only to cut myself off noticing my own volume level. My face was already burning red, I could feel my whole body heating up from this. It's still so embarrassing for me to say something like that even though my real motivation is to be as little like a heathen as possible. Now certain nobody would over hear me say it aloud, I whispered the answer back her direction with a slight snarl. "I'm not gay Maddison! You know damn well I would only ever date girls."
"How interesting..." Maddison laid right into the pressure, her words genuine while her motive obviously undeclared. Reed? A girly boy who is as straight as an arrow? Who would have guessed?
Banarus then stuck her hands on my forearms while I had them resting on my desk. "Don't worry Reed. We're here for you. Us girls have to stick together." Holding back her own laughter never was this hard before, and Banarus knew the face she was making was giving it away too easily.
"Real great," I said annoyed as I gently threw her hands off my arms. "Glad to know you all care." Sarcastic as I was with them, I felt even more overwhelmed with my own emotions shortly after making such statements. All of it made me seriously consider being as girly as possible. And without any explanation to why, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to, as if some powerful desire from some other world seeped into me and taken me over completely.
"Well, shit." Britney wanted in on some of the action, making fun of me, but it didn't feel as strong as before. As bad as it might have sounded for him in particular, he was now the most popular person at this table, even though he doesn't realize it yet. He obviously isn't joking, so why the declaration then? Why here? Why now?
"It's fine," Maddison said to Britney.
Meanwhile, I couldn't help but trail off a bit, my mind more mired in the confusion than ever before. Nothing made sense anymore, but it was that type of thinking that hurt me the most. It felt good just to give in, to stop fighting it once and for all. I should just admit it to myself. I hate all men! The men who are manlier are the worst ones. In addition to that, I want to be more girly. I'm not just considering it, I really want that! It's what I've been craving for the past several minutes! And the more I embraced that, the quicker I was able to agree and smile. It made me so happy to feel this way, inexplicably so. Such happiness was too overwhelming and powerful for me to deny - the moment I caught a piece of it on my tongue!
"Well I don't believe him."
Of course Britney would say that. I wasn't surprised that she was skeptical, but I also cared not about her demeanor. Nothing she could say now would ever bother me, not as I am now. How wonderful! To think all I had to do was simply try to be as feminine as possible! Maybe I would have been happier as a woman, but all that matters now is that I try to have some real fun and be myself! "It's true," I sighed with joy, unable to hide my blissful smile. "The more I think about it, the more I really want to be a pretty girl!" Though I kept my voice down, I wondered if others around me could overhear. Though it was still embarrassing, I didn't back down from my own feelings. If others were going to judge me for how I behave, then I had to stop caring about it entirely. Because, there is nothing wrong with being myself!
Britney's face turned red in response, uncertain how to react to the most unusual sight she has ever seen before. She might have thought I was just acting, but it seemed too realistic to tell. My face and heart were all into this now, my emotions genuine enough to be felt by everyone here.
Banarus and the others laughed once more, but I no longer cared whether they were picking on me about. "I think I like you better this way."
Putting in her time for this action too, Maddison pulled out her purse, digging through her materials while giving them all a good idea. "If that's true, let's give him a makeover!" With the most evil smile she could muster, Maddison prepared her makeup-kit, but she only prepared the tools to change and braid hair. My hair was not short, so it was going to be easy enough to tie up the back into a beautiful butterfly bow.
As scared as I was of Maddison's glare, Banarus and Malica were staring at me with the same kind of eyes, too curious and motivated to see a man's hair turned girlish. And since I no longer revealed to them any resistance to the thought of being as feminine as possible, they didn't have any second thoughts about whether I would be bothered by this.
I was surprised, and nervous as hell since this would obviously make a bold statement to everyone in the entire class once it is all done... But even with that terrifying through on the forefront of my mind, the other thoughts and desires from before were still powerful enough to override all fear. I gulped inconspicuously, sitting still as Maddison and Banarus got dangerously close to my head for the examination. Despite the warning signals blaring through my body that these inexperienced barbers were going to alter my air, I let them do whatever they wanted, trusting all that I felt into this very moment! I wasn't joking around earlier, so I must go all the way! If the entire school ends up finding out that I'm a girly guy, even that is a better alternative to becoming a heathen myself just to fit in.
If being a heathen is the only way to fit in here, I'd rather not fit in at all. If I have only the two choices of being the most masculine man or the most feminine woman, I'd chose woman without a second thought. But since I cannot change my biological sex, I have to settle for the next best thing; being the most feminine man I can be. So do your worse, Maddison and Banarus! Laugh at me and have fun while you turn my hair into a fiber statue of butterfly wings! It's for the best, and as long as we're all having fun doing it, there can be no harm in trying this.
So, in the fifteen minutes of class that remained, those two did change my hair, while Malica couldn't hold in her own laughter. I was glad that she and the others were laughing at my spectacle. For one, I wasn't embarrassed after the masterpiece of butterfly hair was complete, so it didn't feel like an attack at me or like anyone was laughing at me. Either way, I felt better already. And as a bonus, I was making other people in class happy, which widened my smile and subscription to the wonderful new idea!