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<01/12/2011 - 12:59 | Saffrin Middle School (Gym), Austell, GA, USA>
Having arrived back in gym after dragging my defeated body back here at a snail speed, I just stayed standing by the wall, ignoring everybody around me while I sunk into a darker depression. I cared not if anybody could see the sadness written all over me, because I know they don't give a crap either way. Everything just felt slower. I felt slower, incomplete, and a little bit broken. I must have stayed in this state for what felt like half an hour.
Jogging right by me a moment later, Ashly's scented perfume made its way towards me. By now, my reaction to it was so different than before. I wondered what was going through her mind earlier, but whatever it was, wasn't worth risking my friendship with Lumina. Never should I have done that!
However, Ashly never totally went by me just yet. She was about to turn the corner, when she stopped abruptly, facing me with a menacing demeanor that I sure did not expect. "What are you starting at?"
My eyebrows rose up on their own, and it was obvious which way she was asking the rhetorical question. It wasn't an excuse to talk to me, but a dis against the fact that I let my eyes wander away with my thoughts, as they were currently locked onto her. While I get that people don't like to be stared at for too long, she of all people has no right to confront me on the matter. You're seriously asking me?! The nerve of this witch, to think she can treat me like a trash can, only to interrupt my own personal moment and make me look more like the bad guy? "What am I starting at? Nothing special at all. No need to flatter yourself. I'm simply impressed by your devotion to ignoring people only to act all prime later."
"Excuse me?"
"Well you can do me a favor and leave me and everyone else alone for real this time. It's what you're good at anyway."
"I don't know what you're talking about, but you're so mean!" Ashly wasn't yelling, she was only surprised.
So was I, surprised that she didn't just walk away in a huff after hearing me tell her off. I've got more if she wants to hear it. "You're just another screw-up, broken like the rest of everybody else here. You either can't see that your behaviors hurts the people around you, or you simply don't care. So you and I never could be friends anyway. I only offer what I get in return." The bell was ringing as I was saying these terrible things to her, but I didn't hold back. I was furious at everything that happened, and Ashly is the type of person who started this mess in the first place. So, I did her another favor and just walked off, leading myself to the hallway for the next class transition.
The girl was obviously speechless, or else I would have heard screaming from behind me... Good. Maybe some of my depression will rub off on her. Or maybe when I prove I can totally ignore her, it will be a taste of her own medicine. Truly, Ashly is not the first person to do this to me, but she is the first person who bothered me when she did. If even she is like that, then the entire school body might be the same too. In which case, I wouldn't want to have friends like that in the first place...
But I did have one good friend. I still do, if only I can get the chance to call her. I made my move right then, going to the door outside instead of the direction of my next class. It didn't look suspicious, since others students had to travel the same way to get to their classes. It's been long enough now since the last time I tried contacting Lumina. I should have it in me to try again. Since it's still nice and cold outside, I let my shivering body calm itself down long enough to concentrate for another attempt.
It usually takes ten seconds, but I gave it forty. After such a long wait, I forced myself to stop, less I pass out trying this again. The failure to contact Lumina left me drained and breathing heavily, but my arm gripped the wall tightly in renewed frustration. Man! What is wrong with this connection? Why can't I call Lumina like before? Am I sick? Did all of the rules change? It's been nearly an hour since my last attempt, so this should be working!
But the truth was finally sinking into me on my way back into the abyss of the hallways. I slowed my pace to my next class slightly, letting my thoughts take me and my mood wherever. I couldn't care about my surroundings anymore or what I would fail to learn in English. The fact of the matter is, I failed to contact Lumina again, even after waiting the full hour. If I can't contact her anymore, then I'll be left alone with nobody. It wouldn't have been so bad if I were not used to her constant presence with me, but without the ability to bring her here, how could I possibly care about anything anymore? My life is already over then. It's pointless to keep this going. There isn't any reason to carry on thinking things will get better. "I can't believe this is happening." Even my own voice was as sad as I, giving into the darkness and despair building around me.
Suddenly, I nearly tripped and fell into the person I bumped into rounding the corner. We bonked into each other, but since Laura is a bit shorter than me, we luckily didn't bang our heads together, nor did we fall to the ground. That's what I get for not paying attention to my surrounds. It was strange running into Laura at random, but she was doing what everybody else was anyway, going to class. I mouthed how sorry I was for not paying attention, and she greeted me halfway.
"It's okay... Huh? What's wrong?"
It is that obvious? Making the darkness my old friend must paint some bull's eye on me that I can't see. Just get it over with already. Pretend to feel bad for me already, so that I can be disgusted in you too.
"You seemed upset earlier... And also still upset now."
That's right, I realized. She saw me outside earlier when I lost my temper with ability failure. I exhaled roughly, averting my eyes since my face was blushing with some embarrassment. "I don't want to talk about it. You wouldn't understand anyway."
"It was another UAD attack, right?"
Man it feels weird hearing somebody other than me say that. Laura is the only human in school I've told about my UAD, yet another secret I'm supposed to guard, though one with less consequences should it get out. Yeah, I'm sure that looked like a UAD attack from her perspective, but the truth is, it wasn't. "Not this time. It wasn't UAD Laura. It's just personal stuff."
Finally engaged and interested in my predicament, Laura almost held her mouth to think while responding. "So it wasn't a UAD attack? Hm... Must be girl trouble."
"Wha— That's—" For the first time, I couldn't complete a whole sentence in front of Laura. I was sure enough pissed off that she was butting into that part of my business, but too surprised she could correctly guess to hold it against her. "It's not that simp—" I still couldn't speak, which only made me more humiliated to stand in front of her. How can a person like her understand the things she does knowing nothing in context?
"It was my first guess. Other men get like that after girl problems."
What kind of people are we talking about here? I felt like I was about ready to tear down the whole school! It can't be that obvious. Is she a mind reader? Is she just that good at her future job? "It doesn't even matter now. I upset someone that I care about, and she stopped talking to me. Now, I want to contact her and make up, but I don't even know how to get in touch with her anymore. None of my equipment is working right now." There. In theory, nothing I said was a lie. I can't believe I just referred to part of my brain as equipment, but it's all worth it to avoid lying to people about Lumina. So go ahead and enlighten me, mortal.
"Oh... Was it Ashly? She seemed upset about something you said to her, but she wouldn't talk about it."
What?! But... How? How does she keep doing this? Is Laura some kind of secret psychic? She just guessed who my most recent crush was, again! And I didn't even find out until this week! Seriously, how obvious was I making it earlier? Have I been giving Ashly the googoly eyes all this time without realizing it, letting everybody else onto the fact that I was into her? Laura, your observation skills are impressive.
Even so, it doesn't matter. My problems are actually with Lumina right now, but I can't tell Laura that, because it will only lead to more questions. Laura must think that my current troubles are with Ashly instead of Lumina. I was angry at Ashly, so I'm sure I pissed her off too... And that means, the situation is very similar with some of the details swapped around. Laura is soon to get the wrong idea. I'm hoping she does.
"You never cease to surprise me, correctly guessing who people like."
Her concern lifted into a blissful smile of romantic excitement, as she jumped up on one leg for joy. "I knew it!"
Too bad I just now got over her... Wow. Hearing myself say that gives me déjà vu. Oh well. "The thing is, I don't know what to say to her anymore, or how to talk to her. And she won't answer me!" I would feel less embarrassed if Laura would stop making that smug face at me. She acts like she just found out someone's embarrassing yet cute secret.
"People aren't always just going to respond to you Reed. If she won't answer you, then she must still be really pissed off about what you said or did to her earlier."
Though it took a full second to register in my mind, her words of wisdom set me awestruck with a gasp. That's... Of course! There's nothing wrong with the connection! Lumina really is rejecting it after all. And that means she's still so angry, she won't talk to me. Still, to reject a connection for that long? I'm a little worried.
"Just give her some time. People need the chance to think about what happened before they want to talk about it again. If you're patient, I'm sure she'll at least give you a chance." Satisfied, Laura waited for the advice to merge to my heart.
... I guess Lumina isn't the only one who can teach me things after all. Just now, I mean before, I was angry at everyone. I was so mad at humans in general, because none of them bother to give me a moment of their time. And I was mad at myself for how I handled things, still am by the way. But if all it takes to make things better is effort combined with a better understanding of people, maybe there is hope for me yet. "You're right. I'm easily getting upset today, but apparently, so is everybody else. So for that, I'm sorry."
"Oh, it's fine. I think you should apologize to Ashly though, not me. And only after she's had more time to cool down."
Sorry Laura, but Ashly isn't the girl I'm going to be making it up to. I don't give a crap what that girl is going through anymore, but it's best that Laura keeps thinking this is about Ashly in place of Lumina. "You actually do give good advice sometimes." First with UAD, and now this? And to think Laura started off as a mere guard dog to some girl she isn't friends with anymore... She should really study to be a councilor someday.
Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.
"Well, I have to go. Ashly will be in the next class that I have with me, so I can apologize to her on your behalf. See ya!" She seemed uplifted and cheerful, almost like she got a really good kick out of making me feel better.
But I was still so focused on the matter at hand, despite my standing around making me late for my next class. Lumina... You're really just mad at me, aren't you? I never thought you could get so angry with me so easily. But maybe I was the asshole back there. I already know that I was stupid enough to make a critical error... I'll give you two hours. After that, you better answer my call.
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<01/12/2011 - 15:05 | Saffrin Middle School (Outskirts), Austell, GA, USA>
The two hours I waited were long, but it gave me even more time to think about everything I did wrong today, and how to properly make up for it. But first, I would need to get in touch with Lumina again. She's been ducking my calls ever since we had that fight. It wasn't a long fight, but I can tell it really hurt her much more than it hurt me. Right now, not having her around was painful enough.
So now I was back outside, ending my final period class of Homech early. I simply pretended I was going to the Media Center, only to sneak outside and hope to not be seen. From outside, my physical chances of projecting properly will be improved in this sheer cold. With everything else in place, I took my time, my stance, and my breath while attempting to call Lumina one last time. This time, it took a good thirty seconds.
It was a little jarring at first, since I did not hear any usual response from Lumina, but I just knew the two of us were connected now. That familiar psionic buzzing sensation in that part of my brain was active again, and man did it feel good. I don't think I've ever felt so good to be connected to Lumina like this, but maybe that's because I'm so used to it now. There. I know you can hear me now, Lumina.
"God! What do you want now Reed?"
And there it is; proof that I'm perfectly sane. Lumina is not some fake person or a simulation I conjured up. She's so pissed off at me that she might try and berate me to death; but just as well I deserved it. Nothing about her is simulated, controllable, or predictable. She really is her own person with her own thoughts and opinions. And today, I ignored her opinions when they should have mattered the most. "Why have you been ignoring my callbacks?"
"As if you would care."
So cynical. Well, this is the moment I've been waiting for. "Lumina... I'm so sorry about everything."
Lumina was silent while I briefly waited for her to say something. She said nothing, but given our telepathy, I could feel such intense sadness flowing through me... These are her feelings. I'm not exactly happy either, but what I feel from her is living proof that she's much more upset about what happened than I was. I can't believe I made my best friend feel this way.
"Really! I'm the idiot here!" With nobody around, I'll use my physical voice to address her. "What's worse, what I said was wrong. I still don't fully understand every exact thing I did that upset you, but I know I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry Lumina."
"If you don't even know, then what are we even talking about anymore?"
"Well it turns out you were right Lumina. I was going to explain it to Ashly, but she suddenly got all crazy, and told me to leave her alone. She wouldn't even let me talk to her after that."
"I did try to warn you."
"That's exactly the point. You were just trying to protect me from making a stupid mistake and getting my own feelings hurt instead, and then I went and did something far worse."
Despite my apology, I felt Lumina's body tighten with rage. "Don't act like you're some good person now just because you figured some of it out. You can't just redeem yourself with an apology!"
"I know I'm not perfect." I'm not apologizing because I think it's going to fix everything. As much as I want to fix everything, what I want more is to undo the pain I inflicted on her. "I keep putting so much singular focus into the wrong things, and it's causing me to make mistakes I should never make, but the biggest mistake I made today was not trusting you. Lumina? We're best friends, so that means a whole lot to me!" I tried my hardest to hold them all back, the tears flowing to my eyes. I'm not the one who deserves to be crying right now. I don't deserve her pity or her forgiveness, but the tears just won't stop. The moment made my physical voice so shaky and broken up, but I didn't stop talking to her until I spoke from my heart. "It hurts me to know that I made you so upset."
Lumina said nothing to me for a long time, as I sunk to the cement floor behind the school, crying in tears to soak my outfit below. I never wanted this to happen. I could handle the misfortune of having my secret get out, or to me mocked by the idiots at this school for associating with Lumina. But I can't handle this! I can't take knowing that something I did or said hurt the one person I care about the most. I should have listened to her more. I should have trusted her more!
For what felt like minutes, Lumina and I just sat silently, me fighting back tears while she shut her eyes and dove into her mind. Though we didn't communicate for the moment, we both got this rush of intense sensations flowing through our blood. My sadness was less bitter than her own. Lumina's feelings were much more complex, so I couldn't identify them well, but I still understood what kind of mood it would put me in if I were to feel this way all day. Telepathically, I'm breathing the same air she is, yet it feels so suffocating.
Then, in a tone most regretful, I heard her speak again. "Oh, Reed! I'm the one who should be apologizing! All you wanted to do was add one single human friend to your list, and I went and overreacted."
"You don't have to blame yourself Lumina. I told you I'm the one who's sorry. I'm the idiot here. You were just trying to protect me from—"
"I— over— reacted!" She put so much emphasis in admitting that, letting me know she wouldn't take no for an answer, but I was too surprised to accept that from her.
"I wasn't sure what I did wrong in that moment. Did you overreact Lumina? Cause I don't know anymore... Maybe we both are to blame for this fight. Maybe we both have our own issues to work out."
"You know I do... I had a talk about this with my sisters... I wasn't exactly the best example for you today. So yes, you're to blame, but so am I. I should have carried what you were feeling with me, instead of trying to squash it away."
"We're still friends, right Lumina?"
"What do you think?"
That could have meant anything, but I'm going to bet on what I want the most. Lumina? I want us to keep hanging out together, for much longer than I originally planned to. This can't stop! It can't be the end. I'll do anything, whatever it takes to be by your side and laugh with you again. "So then, what do I have to do to make it up to you?"
Lumina wiped her eyes damp with tears and inhaled sharply, thinking of what my punishment would be. "Turn around."
"Uh, okay." I did as she said, uncertain what was going to happen. In the time I was talking with her, I let my legs drift me further away from the door and into a part of the field where I would be highly visible to the side of the school and its second walkway closer to the main hallway. Because of this, there were quite a few students walking this path, to places I wasn't sure where. I didn't think they were skipping class, since they had some destination in mind. I was still at enough of a distance to keep talking to Lumina like this without being heard.
"Put your left arm on your head, and lift your right leg up behind you a little."
"I'll try." I did as she said, unsure how this was supposed to be fun for her. I had to balance a little, since I was lifting up my right leg backwards and arching it slightly. I'm sure I already looked like a weirdo just standing here like this.
"And now, I want you to admit, admit as loudly as you can in that pose: 'I'm a dorky-girly boy, but I'm proud of being wrong sometimes.'"
I almost fell to the ground just after hearing that, losing some balance with my face going red with internal horror. She can't be serious! But Lumina is almost always serious. I should have expected her to humiliate me for a punishment. This is all so that she can forgive me, so I have to do it... Still, I hesitated longer than she was comfortable with. I've acted girly before, but I've fallen a little out of it lately, so I certainly was not ready for this. It's not even acting girly; it's willingly humiliating myself, and Lumina picked a time and place where at least five other distant students would notice. I still have to do this. There is no other way! She said I have to yell it loudly too... "Oh god... I'm a dorky-girly boy! And I'm proud of being wrong sometimes!" In order not to anger Lumina, I really amplified my voice on this one, turning all five heads on me.
I really wanted to drop dead and hide my face at this point, but Lumina, who was now giggling with glee continued the ordinance of the dare, since she was not finished with me just yet. "Now do that girly dance that you like to do!"
My face would have been on fire and smoking if I were a cartoon character by now. It's because I knew exactly what Lumina meant by that. I tried a fun dancing activity the other day with her in tow, and Lumina just kept laughing at me, since I can't dance well at all. So, I shifted into a dance I copied off some show, from a girl. Therefore, I dance like a girl even though I'm really a guy, and not even because I choose to. She made fun of me for that too, but it's nothing compared to what she's asking me to do now!
These people will probably remember my face later, and I may never live it down... But this is for Lumina! It's my punishment, my way to atone for what I've done! So take this world!
On command, I did as she said, and started dancing from memory and moves I copied from that female dancer from a TV show I can't remember too well. If I didn't look like a dork before, I sure did now. I didn't stop moving and swaying my body, kicking my legs, and transitioning with strong feminine poses in between. Several of the students in the distance pointed at me and started laughing. And then, I felt Lumina fall to the floor, holding her stomach in a laughing fit I've never seen out of her before.
This only sent my internal embarrassment through the roof. My body was heating up and sweating so fast from the humiliation alone, and I really needed to stop dancing before they decide to come closer to me... But I didn't stop dancing. If I can make Lumina laugh her lungs out like that, then this is all worth it. I'll do anything for her now. I have to work harder to make her happy. I have to do better, to be a better person than I am now.
"I'm sorry I let you down today Lumina. But I promise I'll try harder to be a better friend to you." Since I said that, Lumina's laughing started to die down a little, and I took that as my cue to stop dancing at last. Before letting her speak again, I sped-walked my way behind the corner, hoping nobody would see my burning red face of shame.
"Thank you Reed. I'll try harder too, to give you some more room. I've been trying to control you a little too much, but you should just be yourself as much as possible, okay?"
I never suspected she was trying to control me. Maybe she meant manipulate me just enough to be the person she wants me to be. "You don't have to tell me... I swear, I better not get popular from this tomorrow."
Lumina started laughing at me again, just at the thought of that... She really enjoys humiliating me in public, certainly too much. I shouldn't enjoy it at all... But I think I am anyway, mainly because it's making her happy.
"I'm thrilled that we're good friends Lumina. I'm going to fight like hell to keep it that way." I would fight like hell to keep any good friendship. That's why I've been so frustrated about it lately. I'm the only one willing and ready to try and care so hard, but nobody wants to return that energy into a friendship. It's not entirely directed at me. They do it to each other here too. But I do have a chance to remain happy with Lumina, and I'm going to make sure that sticks.
"Good. I'm glad to hear it... You know Reed, you might want to work on that bad taste for women you have later on. You almost spilled an important secret to a girl you crushed on, and had you had known anything about her, you should have at least gotten to an exposition."
"I know. First Malica, and now Ashly. She turned out to be a total drag. What was I even thinking? But, people will probably think I'm totally weird now, thanks to your penalty game. Aside from that, I kind of went off on everyone else who tried to get near me today."
"You mean after I left? Being apart from me bothered you that much?"
"Of course it did!" How can she assume it wouldn't? "I like being with you especially when I have these weird problems stuck on my mind. You're usually right about everything, most of the time anyway. But more importantly than that, I think you're really fun to be around. I can only hope I'm that way for you. You help me anytime I need it, and you're always there for me, to listen to whatever I have to say, to whatever I want to talk about. Because of that, what we have now is something special, something louder than words. Lumina... You're really amazing, you know that?"
"Y-yeah! I mean, of course I'm awesome. I'm Lumina after all. Silly..."
I wondered what was up with her just now. I wasn't sure if I felt a slight jolt of nervousness or something else, but I guess it doesn't matter if everything is all good again. "Yeah, well, if you get to be awesome, then so do I. Even though I'm not that far yet, I'll become a better version of myself Lumina. You'll see. I won't let you down ever again."
"Reed? Thank you. Thank you for everything."