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<07/06/2011 - 15:01 | Link Street (Park), Marietta, GA, USA>
The world around us is a blazing inferno of hell, unmatched by any other terror. I loitered longer, leaning my body against some of the red poles sticking out of the ground in the neighborhood park. Others walked or played nearby me, but I ignored their presence, as they ignored mine. None of this is real anyway. The world here is fake. Even the heat burning my soul is no more real than all these kids playing around.
I could have known somebody else. I could have been somebody else. But I turned out to be me. Whatever I've become, I don't know who I am anymore. I glanced at my arms as if they were mysterious extensions of myself. Who am I? Every time I asked myself the question, my mind flooded every concentrated thought back onto Lumina again. I couldn't understand why that one question made me think so much about her, but every memory I had before meeting Lumina just seemed to fade into oblivion when I reached for them.
Only I noticed that the false world around us became devoid of all color and life. To me, there was no difference between this playful, colorful park of the summer, and a dreadful trench blanketed by ominous darkness in every direction, absent of color, arrested by memory, lingering in the apocalypse. Whether such a place only exists in my broken mind, or whether I am the only real entity that sees the end of all, I linger in this place, a place without time, without hope, without light, and without sound. It is empty, isolated, and lonely, yet it serves as a perfect place to rest, to sleep, to die.
What if I'm the fake? What if I'm the dream of Lumina, instead of the other way around? Or what if I've gone insane and made her up in my mind to keep my sanity from cracking? I tried more to imagine a horrific scenario, but it did me no good. I couldn't imagine being Lumina anyway; as she was such a different person from me, whoever I am.
Lost in the darkness of the post-apocalyptic world, I had no sense of self, no identity, no detail to identify any uniqueness. I have merely become a background, removed from all feeling as this dark and comforting world was. I have these memories of somebody else, somebody named Lumina, yet I know not my own identity, my name eaten by a power otherworldly.
Nobody would ever believe me. I can't prove that she exists. On the other hand, I can't prove that she doesn't exist. It's all pointless. Talking to people is pointless. Trying to fit in with life is meaningless. I am human, yet I am not human. I don't know who I am anymore. I kept myself barely hydrated as the sun's rays beat down on me, still so radiating, yet so grey and dull. Despite the usual brightness and flare, the entire world around me seemed darker and grey-blue, as if I were looking through a faint color filter.
Having you here with me is the only thing that makes sense. But the world says no. My own desire to have Lumina here with me somehow reflected back into myself, amplified six times by the negative variables pushing against my only wish; the heat, the brightness, the blazing scent, the summer, the world, God! When I tried to glance forward in time, forward to the next winter realizing how many more months away it was from now, I realized that I've only been apart from her for one month out of the expected five remaining, a realization that made me laugh out loud maniacally.
Even all time escapes this mysterious unison of the unknown, locking all senses away from the body, and emanating the constructs of a unique self-generated hell, binding me beyond.
Five months? Five years? What's the difference? I continued laughing uncontrollably, my legs sinking from the pain flooding inside, trying to fill an impossible void in my heart. "I'm never going to see her again. How silly of me to think any of that Altiri stuff was ever real." The phrasing I added to my perspective highlighted the first point so strongly, it melted some of the confusion I made, between laughing and crying. I rested my face into my hands again, letting all my true feelings show, crying like a baby.
For more than half an hour, I sat there in the woodchips, or in the colorless expanse of irradiated land, completely ignoring anybody who approached me to find out if I was really okay. Then I started laughing again, letting my body rest down further while my eyes were blinded by the clear skies above. Deep inside, I felt more nothingness than humor. I didn't understand my own reaction; I didn't care to either.
"You're good, right?"
Jumping to my feet on instinct, I shouted, "You'll never understand anything, you crazy lunatic!" I cared not who was in front of me; the woman to me wore a mask of darkness and shadow, a creature I could never reckon with. The park I stood in felt more like abstract shapes and colors, and so this intruder into my lifeless sanctuary of imprisonment might as well been a monster coming to shatter my new world. "If only things were different..." My sudden calm response made the middle-age mother cringe before taking her leave with her kid in tow, scared of whatever she saw, while I let my thoughts melt through the chaos within.
I felt like crying, laughing, screaming, and sleeping all at the same time. I ceased to understand why I felt this way, so I let myself cry some more, irritating the spots around my eyes for another few minutes. I had to breathe through my mouth, since my sinuses were shutting down from the tears. For another few moments, I didn't know where I was or what I was doing. I cycled on and off between experiencing the worst feeling in the world, and feeling nothingness. I compared it to the thought of Lumina being dead somehow, since her absence was absolute.
Until the light in my eyes was shaved down to a dullness I knew not, my mind blanked itself out again while my sweating body just sat there curled into a ball, glaring meaninglessly at the parking lot. For the first time in my life, my level of care reached absolute zero. This sensation felt no different from the idea of not existing in the first place. I might as well be dead, because there would be no difference to how I feel now, no difference at all. Life has no meaning, and I have no purpose. Everything around me might as well just fade to black.
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So, for another long duration, that's what happened. I've never fallen asleep before while awake. I'm not sure if that's what I was doing, but without realizing it, time zoomed by me through the day outdoors, where my senses blanked out everything. I usually have hundreds of thought processes at once. But now, I have zero, not a single one...
...
Not a single thought.
...
Not a single feeling.
...
Nothing matters, nothing exists.
...
I am no more. I am no one. I am death.
...
Life is but a blank canvas; we are just somebody's artwork. We try to find meaning, where meaning does not exist in our insignificant futures. I could be anybody else, a different body, a different mind, and a different soul. Would anybody ever notice? What does it mean to exist or not to exist, when the feeling is all the same? I could be anywhere, floating through an infinite void of nothingness for eternity. If I were removed from the world, there would be zero cosmic difference.
For countless minutes, I stuck in the same position, into the same frame of mind, experiencing the polar opposite of existence, until sunset, where I finally woke back up by the slimmest margin of what surviving slivers were left inside. I had to take note of my surroundings, realizing I let so much time pass, associating the moment with some kind of mental sleep. Did I pass out sitting up? Did I somehow lose it? I didn't care anymore what happened, but I was awake enough now to remember where I was. I convinced myself I'd rather just go home and fall asleep again, finding no value in my own consciousness.
With what faded energy I could muster, I slowly limped my way back home, stopping outside the front lawn to try and collect my thoughts. I then realized why I could barely think about anything; I didn't want to think anymore. Trying to think of anything at all made me recall more memories of Lumina, which upset my stomach and sent me to the ground again on the side of the house. I miss you so much, Lumina.
"I miss you too Reed."
Startled, I jumped back while sitting down, wondering who was talking to me. It couldn't be—
"Can you believe it? I found a way to connect to you again!" Lumina sounded super excited to be back here with me.
She wasn't as happy as I was to hear her voice again. I paused for a few seconds, stunned as I wasn't capable of believing what I was seeing and hearing. The connection was enabled somehow, and so strongly that I was seeing through her eyes again, into her own ship. "I don't believe it," I answered. "It's still too hot outside! How did you manage this?"
"Not just me. You did this too. Our desire to contact each other was so strong, that my constant efforts finally allowed me to connect to you again, despite the heat outside!"
I had to set aside the wonderful new fact that we could somehow bypass the heat of Georgia and be together again. Everything I wanted to ask her was replaced by the awakening I've been craving so much. "Oh Lumina! I've missed you so much! I didn't know what to do when you were gone! I didn't know what to think!" I started crying and trembling again, unable to hide how sad I've been in her absence.
"It's okay Reed. It's going to be okay. When winter comes, we can spend more time together more often."
I have to say it again, even if she's heard it before. "I love you."
"I love you too Reed."
Oh my god! It feels so good to hear her say that in person. "So, if we simply need to call each other badly enough, the heat doesn't matter?"
"What matters is how we feel about each other Reed. Never forget that. When the time is right, we can keep being together as long as you want to."
"What do you mean, when the time is right? The time is right now, in this moment..." My body cringed strongly at the small realization my background thoughts latched into, and Lumina's sudden silence wasn't helping. I shook my head in denial, demanding that it couldn't be so!
"When you realize the truth, you'll find that meaning in life."
It partially explained why the world around me seemed like I was wearing a shade of sunglasses with my eyes bare. This also explained how I was seeing through Lumina's eyes so well, tired as I was. Her words, their meaning— "Nooo!" I reached out my hand in front of me, as if that would somehow stop her from leaving.
My arm phased through what I thought was in front of me, and the familiar sensation of a breaking connection flooded into my head. Her words, her voice, Lumina's very presence was suddenly gone. "Lumina!" I beckoned at the sky, demanding whichever higher power was in charge to bring her back to me this instant!
After another long moment of fearful silence, I managed to come back down to earth again. The brightness around me increased a bit despite the sunset, and after pondering what just happened, I realized how crazy I've become. Lumina... That wasn't the real Lumina. Her voice, her words, none of that is how she would have really acted or felt. She wouldn't have just connected and disconnected like that, not if the heat didn't matter after all.
I let all the breath escape me until I turned pale white aside the house, as nobody noticed my terrified screams. That wasn't really a connection, and it means that the entire moment was an actual hallucination. I just hallucinated connecting with Lumina! Reminded of the things I was saying to her, I cringed harder from the embarrassment. I couldn't even tell the real one from the fake one. But I actually just hallucinated!
It hasn't happened to me before for any reason. I never thought such a thing was possible. As embarrassed as I was to realize I was really losing my sanity however, the feelings I suppressed returned to me in full, knocking in all the care I abandoned earlier, for a cost. My own broken mind was dangling Lumina in front of me, toying with me by bending my perception of reality itself.
Though I cannot deny that my experience just now was false, I was reminded instantly by how strongly I wanted it to be real. All thoughts of Lumina returned to me in full, my mind awakened from its induced slumber. My breath fluttered out of me again, until I sank into the grass once more, filling my hands with moisture in a never-ending sob. What worse, the moment only reminded me of my worst possible fears. I never wanted to question Lumina's existence before now, but seeing how real that hallucination was forced me to ask myself. What if Lumina was never real to begin with? What if I've fallen in love with a hallucination, a ghost, a figment of the imagination gone out of control? I can't answer the question, because I don't know what happens afterwards. All I can do now is cry, cry again, and cry some more, until the blood of my soul has drained out entirely.