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<11/02/2010 - 16:15 | 559 Motion Street, Austell, GA, USA>
Despite today's exhaustion, I can't begin to express how relaxed I was to finally be at home again. I kept comparing how I felt now to how I felt yesterday regarding Lumina and all of this Altiri business, but it was difficult to put a conclusion on anything. What floated fresh to mind first was how different my day was. I mean, I actually managed to talk to a few people I don't normally talk to, and set the seeds of new friendship on top of that.
As annoying as it was that I had homework to do, I completed the tiny little amount of chores I agreed to do, such as trash, sweep, and up to only ten dishes a day. After that, it was off to my room again. I changed my clothes a little so that I was wearing a different light jacket over everything. Even with the heater in the room, it was still quite cold. The heater brought the house up to about 68 degrees, but the outdoor temperature was still in the upper forties. Because of this, the connection didn't change at all, nor did it weaken.
I wasn't entirely sure why I was so relaxed, but my only guess was that I have been on edge ever since meeting Lumina the way I did for the first time. It's scary to wake up hearing the voice of someone else like that. But even though I still don't accept that her race of Altiri aliens are real, I've realized something. Lumina's presence here, her involvement, her distractions, every aspect of her and her world, it's not dangerous. I really don't know what I was so afraid of earlier. Yeah, I might be crazy, or have a split personality, or have issues segregating my imagination now, but I'm still okay. I'm still myself, still in control, still capable of living my life. I don't have to submit what's going on to anybody, nor do I have to change my life style very much to compensate. Lumina's presence here right now, it's not so bad after all.
"My last class period went so well." I began to summarize how everything went to Lumina, speaking aloud for a change with the privacy of my own room, and the fact that nobody in the house was anywhere near me. I knew I could continue to project my thoughts to her, but something felt oddly more satisfying speaking to Lumina the normal way than with thought projection. She still hears my voice in either method. "I managed to get some things done and talk to Zero the entire time."
Lumina had done the right thing earlier by backing off and giving me and Zero the space to speak. Within that time, somehow, Lumina actually did some of her own things back on her ship all without me realizing it, and all without phasing the connection. So, there was a bit of missed context for her, not that she didn't put it together herself. "Sorry I wasn't that much help. I normally know exactly what to say and do, but somehow, you managed to get around to people who by my standards aren't normal."
"Anything by your standards wouldn't be normal Lumina. But either way, I don't think Zero is weird at all. She's just a bit timid."
"Yeah, but I normally have so much good advice... Instead of having the chance to show you that, I let you down today. I wasn't prepared for all the outliers."
"Stop blaming yourself for something that isn't our fault. I told you already, it's fine. I believe you this time, about wanting to help me anyway."
"You do?"
She must really think that I consider her an illusion, which is both correct and my fault at the same time. I've noticed a slight change in Lumina as well. She's relaxed now. No, more like, she's accepting of the situation. Yeah, that's it. Yesterday, she wanted to prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is a real person. She sure acts the part, but without a way to prove it to me, she must realize by now that I have nothing to go off of but her word. She's finally acknowledging that I don't believe she exists, accepting the consequences of that... Even so, she's still here helping me talk to people anyway, despite what I have already concluded. It's honorable to say the least.
"Lumina? Without you, I still never would have had the guts to talk to Zero, or Abby, or anyone else that I don't know." I knew this was true. It was the sole reason why I felt this way now, and the reason why I know having Lumina around is more of a plus than a minus. She's capable of seeing things in people, and even when her forecast is off or wrong, or pushed aside by something else, her desire to help me continue going is stronger than ever. I know it already, that without her help today, I would have been unable to make the decision to sit anywhere near Abby or Zero, or talk to Laura's group so easily. I always have an impossible time opening up a conversation to anyone. Every time I want to, I start by simulating conversations before doing anything, and with the thousands of thoughts crossing my mind so often, those simulations happen numerously and quickly, causing me to overthink the entire situation. I could literally invent and imagine twenty different two-year scenarios about talking to someone, when the most common reality of the outcome is for me to just nod and say "Hi." When it boils down to the real deal of talking to someone, I'm always afraid I'll mess up my words and embarrass myself so much that I'd never be able to face that person again. And while it's true I've focused today on all girls, I know this has and will happen to me regardless of intent. It's not just with those I try to flirt with, but also those I try not to flirt with too, the difference in scenario nonexistent.
Until now, I also never really tried either. I've been too afraid to try, too afraid to take the risk required in putting myself out in the first place. If I want to make friends, I have to stop being this shy. I have to try harder to talk to others no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. I see that now.
"I'm glad to hear that. But still, when did you make such strange friends in the first place? I'm talking about Banarus, and Laura, and the others you sometimes hang out with?"
"That was different," I answered, continuing the comparison in my mind. They really don't compare at all. There is a reason I want to stop associating myself with some of them, half of that being, they aren't my friends. What happened to cause that doesn't count, because it wasn't really me in the first place. Everything that came of it was a fluke. "Thanks to the effects of the purge a while ago, I started acting feminine and girly. As a result, I stood out from everyone else, and the girls I was trying to be around seemed to flock over to me somehow, at least for a while."
"Friends created by a purge..." Lumina seemed to get lost in that one thought for a few seconds, as she tried to imagine what my life was like because of her meddling. "But then, they aren't really friends, now are they? This just keeps getting better and better..." Lumina was obviously sarcastic just then, but I had less idea for what purpose.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
"My point is, no matter what I said before, you actually seem to know what you are talking about, most of the time. Even though your advice wasn't initially working before, I got the sense that you were really trying your best. Sorry for thinking otherwise."
"Reed? Who are you talking to?"
I panicked for a short second, trying to figure out what to do at the sound of my mom's voice. Her hand was already pushing on the door, opening up my room without as much as a warning. I didn't think she would just barge into my room like that, and I was totally unprepared. With the small stroke of luck I had, I picked up the closed flip phone sitting on my lap, and opened it up, holding it to my ear before she could enter the room and accuse me of talking to myself.
As soon as she crept in, I waved my hand towards her aggressively, with my other arm holding the phone up to my ear to make all of this seem less suspicious. My signaling wave was for her to leave and stop talking to me, flustered because of her sudden entrance. She quickly got the hint that I was on the phone with someone, and nodded before leaving the room. I think all she wanted to do was to see how my day went as usual, even though she didn't have to. Once she finally left, I had to weigh the pros and cons of with method to use when talking to Lumina. Outspoken feels the best somehow, but it also allows others to hear me talking as well. Since I have little privacy in this apartment complex, that option isn't going to work right now.
"As I was saying..." I had to give myself a moment to find where I was in the conversation, losing my place after the interruption. I was partly expecting Lumina to chastise me once more for not relying on the secret thought projection we both could use, but she actually didn't bother bringing it up this time.
"You really don't have to fight this if you don't want me around."
"Who said anything about that? I'm not fighting anything." See, this is what I meant earlier. Yesterday, Lumina fought tooth and nail to stay connected to me, but now, she's ready to let it all go. Thinking back, it really revealed to me how much of an ass I was being to her, and to myself.
"But, isn't it true that you still think I'm fake?"
I had a hard time answering back. I knew the truth already about my decision, but should she know that? I made it this far, I might as well not try to hide things from her now. "I haven't decided yet. I felt so sure yesterday, but it's all getting confusing now..." I knew just how absurd it was to believe in this even to a small degree. But after everything I've seen, the probability of her true existence has shot up after today. I'll get into that later. "But you were right about something earlier, about the ability for me to feel some of your emotions or thought patterns, even if it's on a mild level. I can tell this desire of yours is not my own."
"Oh... And what desire might that me?" I've never heard Lumina suddenly sound so nervous and caught off guard, and I could tell she was trying to hide that too.
She's too modest. I don't see what there is to be embarrassed about. "There's something about all of this that's too dynamic for a simple hallucination. More importantly, I could tell for most of the day that you were putting all of your focus into helping me, helping me make friends that is. Before, you were going all out of your way to prove whether or not you existed to me. I know that's still important to you, but this time, it wasn't more important than giving me a chance to make at least one friend. I don't know why you felt the need to help me so much, but that's the special thing about you Lumina... You're nice to me."
"I... I was just doing what I wanted to, in order to help you."
Does Lumina not understand the significance of that? Even if I paused just for the moment to consider that she was an illusion, I have to also accept the fact that this illusion has full separate sentience from myself, which is not only a rarity, but a near impossibility in itself. So now, whether she is real or fake, either reality seems impossible, yet she is still here with me now.
On top of everything else, I've never-ever had a single person in my entire life go out of their way to help me with something like this, and never spend this much time or attention trying to do it. Lumina said earlier to me that her prime motivation for purging me in the first place was to become friendly with me, and today, she has proven her motives clear enough. I still don't know if trying to buddy up with her is a good idea... But nobody has ever been this nice to me, or this involved in my personal life either. It's kind of nice... "But that's what I'm saying. You're so deeply invested in trying to help me out in this stupid boring life of mine. From what I've seen, you don't really have any agenda to mess with me or screw everything up worse than it is already... I know if I were to really ask others to help me learn to talk to people, they too would want to help, but they would also never put in this much time, effort, or focus. Yet you have."
"That's because I want to help you, with anything. It doesn't just have to be friendships Reed. If you ever want any advice on anything, or just someone to talk to, that's what I'm here for."
"And to think, considering what a purge actually costs and what it can do to people, you went through all of that trouble just for this? So that you can talk to me or help me out in life? I'll tell you something Lumina. All of that Altiri stuff might sound amazing, but you sure picked a silly reason to purge somebody, and me of all people..." I still didn't totally understand the reasons why. I could tell there must be more to it than that. However, I wasn't willing to force the answer out of her. I think, if Lumina does have any secrets she has not told me about, it can wait until she is ready.
"Yeah, well... I made my choice."
"You sure did." Lumina is far more decisive and bold that I could ever be. I kind of want some of that for myself one day. I knew that I was going to have to let Lumina go soon, to focus on all of my school work that I'm behind on, and that means disconnecting from her soon, at least some time tonight. "But I've come to a decision on something. Whether or not I believe that you are part of the real world or not will no longer have any bearing on whether I contact you again in the future. I'll have to get to my work soon, but tomorrow morning, I'm going to call you back."
"You really mean it?!" It amazed me how easily overjoyed Lumina was just to hear that. She really wants to keep this communication up, for as long as she possibly can. I didn't mind anymore, since it wasn't hurting anything.
"Of course. We have this telepathic power now, right? What's the point if we don't try to use it?" I knew there was more reasons than that, but I needed the extra second to muster up the courage to tell her this. "Besides, I'd like your help again, talking to people tomorrow, if it's okay with you."
"I would love that! I'll make sure everybody in that school loves you, or else."
Chuckling a little, I tested her to see what she meant. "Or else what? You'll fly that ship all the way down here and beat everyone up for it?"
"You said it, I didn't."
I clacked my tongue through my teeth in an attempt to ward off any laughter. "Okay Lumina. I do have to get to this. It could take all night, unless you are willing to give me all the answers..." I know she would never go for it.
"I'll leave you to it then. Hey! Maybe we can try that phasing trick now then. If we mess up, it won't be a big deal now anyway."
Phasing trick? Oh, right! Lumina told me earlier about the ability to phase out and phase in a connection. A long 3-4 hour homework session would be the perfect excuse to try this on. Once it's over, I'd still have an hour or two to speak to her tonight, if it all goes well. "Well, I'm for testing it out if you are too. Let's go for it." I didn't know what to expect now, but I was soon going to learn how this special function works. It can benefit the both of us greatly, in moments where I end up needing to concentrate on classes while Lumina needs to wait it out. Let's see this through to the end then.