Ch: 262 Moonage Daydream
“So why are the duke and duchess in one of my guest rooms?” Gary asked carefully, while Tawny blushed.
His smirk made it even worse, since they both knew exactly why. He knew full well, because his home was an innate part of himself… anomalies and unexpected guests drew his attention.
She knew, because her parents were… incorrigible and a little bit naughty. Once she had sworn her first oath to Healer, their antics became plain to her enhanced insight; so they simply stopped pretending they were not mad for each other.
“I love them dearly and hope that someday Liam and I…” She smiled a warm radiant feeling into the common room.
“I have a new little brother on the way and… you Gary, should look to your own extended family.” She remarked cryptically.
“Huh?” He asked cleverly, but she was already gone.
“They’re playing ‘tyrannical lord and helpless chambermaid’ or some such sex game.” Otho remarked casually, with Naiomi under his lean, lanky arm. “We enjoy a bit of role play as well, don’t we, princess Neer’doWell?” He nuzzled into his wife’s hair with a wicked leer and took a long sniff.
“Gary, this old reprobate is a terrible liar, who; like most naughty orphans… could benefit from a stiff paddling.” Naiomi muttered. “Go cut me a switch, Otho.”
The old man giggled and actually dashed off into the orchard, headed for a stand of hickory trees. “He’s a good boy…” The aged priestess sighed, while she watched the silly old man scamper off to fetch her a paddlin’ switch for his fanny.
“What’s going on, Naiomi? Everything feels… giddy… a little drunk or stoned?” He muttered, when they were seated together by the fire.
“Exactly. I noticed this in my practice, the incidence of rug burn, strained backs and bruised genitals has ticked up remarkably. Penis fractures alone…”
He held up a hand begging for a pause. “Spare me the penis fracture stats. Just saying it… hurts.”
“Very well… I had a whole presentation…” She murmured in deep disappointment, as she slid a folder back into her robes.
Her husband came prancing back up, excitedly waving an object around. “A lovely dryad girl gave me this marvelous wicker rug beater…” Otho sang happily, handing over the spanking device of tightly woven willow fronds. “Gary’s house really does have everything!” He chirped, just before he scooped his wife up and went to town on her face...
“Has she finished the penis fracture dissertation yet?” Otho asked when he and his wife finished making out.
“No, he begged off.” Naiomi said with a cruel smile. “He couldn’t handle the pressure… just like all those poor shattered cocks.”
“Bend it, but don’t break it.” Willow said softly, as she joined the group. “That’s my motto… but I haven’t any genitals and I doubt a penis would be appropriate in my case anyway… What are the stats on crushed cooters?” She asked with a devious wink.
“Let’s run the numbers again, for genital trauma… that’s a good catch all. We will get a better picture of the current sex injury uptick that way.” Otho suggested. “Even though dicks are funnier, objectively.”
“Oh yes, penises are hilarious, of all your people’s organs they are the most entertaining. The way they go from all flibbidy floppity, to pokey and stabby! And the emissions! I can tell you…” Willow agreed eagerly. “I was present at a recent cockmeasuring celeration here at Gary’s house… a fascinating human cultural event.”
“A what?” Gary, Naiomi and Otho all asked at once.
“Yes it was my first as well… is it a new tradition?” She asked sweetly.
“Could we get off the dicks and on to the topic, please?” Gary asked; finding himself to be the adult in the room was a little upsetting… and terrifying.
“Very well.” Naiomi said briskly as she stood up and began to lecture. “As previously mentioned, symptoms suggesting heightened sexual activity drew my attention two nights ago. I began collating data from all of my pupils and peers, with the aid of the duke’s new supernumerary.”
“In light of this new information we are going to be hitting the sheets… err…” Otho sputtered to a stop grinning.
“We’ll check our figures and be back in the morning.” Naiomi said solemnly, while dragging her grinning husband along by his pinkie finger.
“That does give me an idea…” Gary mumbled to himself. He smiled slyly as he went down into the workshop, bringing the contents of his fermentation lab to the front. Having a non-dimensional null-space basement was pretty awesome… except for the interdimensional cellar spiders. They just kept showing up. Long legged and silent, they would linger in the corners until disturbed, then spin in their webs until they vanished into another dimension…
“Super weird.” He muttered as another one vanished with a soft sparkling of lights and a gentle chiming sound.
He pulled open his nearly forgotten vat of duskmoon bean natto… it was a failed experiment, but not an utter failure. It wasn’t nearly delicious enough to compensate for its slimy, slippery, persistently, positively slick nature… but it also didn’t stink. It smelled nice, like honey, sweet spices and warm buttered toast.
Over the several weeks it had languished in his storage, it kept fermenting, abandoned in his backside… The beans had nearly vanished entirely, becoming a vat of cloudy white mucilage that smelled like a warm, buttery, christmas hug.
He dipped a finger in and pulled up a thick ooze the consistency of good honey. He rubbed his fingers together and smiled…
I like bread an buu-ter,
I like toast an jam…
Sieve out all the bean goo,
Purify, clarify, whip it up
Gonna be so slippery smooth!
#
Barter was pretty busy at the shop, his ledgers were getting a workout. Most folks took his quirks in stride and would strike a bargain, then come by with the goods without any additional falderal. Mostly because he took trade in bulk commodities like lumber, hides, grain and hay, partially because he had something of a dark reputation. Nobody wanted to piss off the local mad witch… no matter how friendly he seemed.
A good deal made for easy dealings with Wheatford’s agriculturals and produce for finished goods and skilled repair was a fine deal indeed!
Most of his business was in instrument and furniture repair, as well as sales of pipes, small tablewares and such.
If he’d dealt in coin, it would be a respectable business… Since he took commodities in trade, he was awash in commodities and as wealthy as he really needed to be.
New items for trade popped up regularly as he played around with his shop front… Toys, plush animals, slippers… He had a few softgoods in store already, so he decided to try the tushy cushy business.
He’d only put the round butt cushions on the sales floor ‘cause Angie asked for one, for some reason. He might have smirked and giggled a little, Ester was a pretty obvious tell. She couldn’t really expect him to not notice a giant freaking unicorn in his barn.
Since her cushion commission, the trio of Rolf, Angie and Ester had been inseparable, spending long summer evenings riding in the orchards and woodcutter’s forest, returning late in the night.
Tallum and Ivy were out in the garden sitting together on a blanket in the afternoon shade. Rolf and Angie were on a bench swing nearby cuddled close, on matching round arse pillows.
Gary stepped out of the house with a wide, sleepy smile on his face, the one he wore when he had a mad experiment to try.
“Sorry brother, not today.” Ivy sang with a smile of her own. “None of your craziness til’ after the festival.”
“Ohh? Well ok, this is my latest alchemical experiment. A variation on the first aid goo…” He shrugged and tucked the small golden cube of wax he was holding back into a box of identical cubes.
“Well now I’m interested.” Rolf grumbled.
“Me too…” Ivy sighed. “Whadday ya got bro?”
“I call it Lunarglide… a super slippery, water soluble, non-fermentable and amicrobial lubricant for… tender moments. It has mild pain relieving and healing properties as well for when moments are almost tender. It’s a… personal lubricant.”
“Fuckbutter?” Ivy asked with a smile.
“No, Lunarglide… it’s classy and intended for grownups only, we need a name that is evocative and descriptive.” Gary said firmly.
If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
“Toss me a cube of this Fuckbutter, Gary.” Angie said with a wide grin.
“I am not going to let you call it…” He sputtered.
“Let sweet Shai see this Fuckbutter… “ She murmured in his ear, wrapping her warm, strong arms around him from behind. “It hae been a busy few nights… an days, down there… she is a mite battered an sore!” She nibbled his ear and slowly kissed his neck, down to his collar.
“Ye would nae hae me tenderest parts too sore tae welcome thee home frae yer labors an trials…” She cooed and whispered.
Gary grabbed a fistful of the small, golden cubes. Tiny things a quarter inch on each side; he left the box on the table and followed Shai upstairs. “Smush it between your fingers and it gets slick, just like the other one… this one stays slippery till you wash it off…” With that they were gone.
#
The first evening before the feast of Light was darn magical. Strands of twinkling crystal lights winked from a few houses, while most had at least a candle in the front window to celebrate the spirit. Lovers strolled by lantern light in the orchards, under at least one bright, full moon. People roamed under the uncommon bright moonlight much later than would be expected...
No few blankets and pillows appeared among the moonlit groves and gardens, though everyone pretended not to notice when the amorous voices carried farther than expected.
Gary and Shai may or may not have been out in the back of the garden, moonbathing together, really close together… there was considerable overlap, we’ll leave it at that. The aroma of warm, spicy, buttered toast drifted over their little garden grove for some reason.
“I admit it… It’s an awesome name…” He whispered in Shai’s ear while she was sleeping on top of him, slathered in Fuckbutter.
#
“Yes, we’ve had reports of a horse monster in the near forest…” Tony replied for the sixth time today. “That is a unicorn named Ester, sir Rolf’s new familiar. She will not trample you, unless you annoy her…” He sighed and waited for a few moments of breathless explanation.
“You simply stumbled upon a pair of lovers, watched over in their passions by a faithful guardian…”
As steady and predictable as the waxing and waning of the moon, Tony shook his head sadly. “No, citizen I did not accuse you of peeping, nor did I suggest that you are prude… such speculations fall outside my official duties. Good day citizen.”
Finally Tony traded out for old sir Lestrange, briefing the elder knight on the ‘Unicorn Crisis’ he could expect to hear more about. His short walk home to his townhouse on the edge of the Uplands quarter was soothing in the moonlight. Finally off duty for two days, he had shed his service armor at the office, for Harlan’s apprentices to pick up for maintenance. He wore common clothes and a shortsword, satisfying his duty to bear arms. Otherwise he was just a man strolling down the peaceful moonlit streets of his home town.
“Hey, big boy… looking for some fun?” A woman asked him from the shadows.
“Adele? Why are you dressed that way?” He asked in surprise. His petite and conservative spouse was poured into one of those thin cotton ‘summer dresses’ that had become popular since spring and lady Jaspreet’s wedding.
Sewn onto a single garment, the thin, close hugging top did little to restrain or conceal the bounty he was privileged to rest his head against most nights.
As distracting as that was, the skirt that flared from her hips swayed and drifted on a gentle breeze, clinging to her bottom and suggesting that there was nothing under there… or perhaps delightfully less than nothing, if he was lucky. She took a swirling step towards him, emerging into the bright moonlight… and letting her skirt spin up high enough to grant him a glimpse of what completely failed to modestly clothe his wife’s smooth, familiar backside. A hint of pale white lace was all he saw… and a moon as beautiful and bright as the one in the sky.
“So, looking for some fun… big boy?” She purred again. Slipping into his arms with liquid grace.
“As it happens… I am… miss.” He answered awkwardly, with a widening smile. “I happen to know an inn where they ask few questions…”
“What kind of noble knight would frequent an establishment like that?” She asked in melodramatic terror. “Do you threaten my virtue, sir knight!?”
“No more than you will let me…” He mumbled, his smile slipping away.
“Oh, silly boy of mine…” Adele sighed, clinging to his enormous arm. “Come along… Filly is having a party with several young people and we don’t want to ruin her fun. I already got us rooms with Shai and her boy.”
“A party, in my house?” He muttered, half turning to go home.
“No!” His tiny mate swatted him on the rump crisply. “You and I will be enjoying some alone time, while you visit with your little friends and I snoop in their… While I advance my studies.” She scolded him firmly… mostly.
“If you behave… You might just earn yourself some special Tony Time… big boy.”
“It’s not my birth day….” He whispered softly, with a wide smile.
“I know.” She replied with a wink. “I procured a supply of Fuckbutter…”
#
Things got a lot more cozy and comfy as the festival progressed. Day two started with a special pre dawn breakfast hosted by Harlan and Adelia for Tallum and Ivy’s benefit. They shared a Contract with the spirit of light, while Shai’s bind with Fire made her a logical co celebrant. For Gary, who had neither Contrats nor affinity for the spirit, it was a nice feast with family, mostly.
He felt the attentions of the spirit, through his supernatural senses, but only as a foreign and possibly adversarial element. Light and he were not going to be buddies, the spirit’s gaze raked at his Ka and aura whenever he drew too close to the ritual offering bowl. Since that was a central feature, it was an uncomfortable but otherwise delightful time. The kids had a blast… They were all in Light’s good graces.
The morning and afternoon were filled with fun, they watched puppet shows, danced, ate entirely too much and in the heat of the day, dipped into the deep cold pool to frolic with Falco.
Gary left the kids with Shai, playing with Falco and Esperanza, while he went to check his books.
Somebody was always home, so there was always a family member or friend around to do a little light bargaining for him… so the ledgers had a lot of hands in them. They would never balance, but since it was hay, grain and lumber he absorbed the losses with good grace.
Gary’s line of donut shaped buttcushions were oddly popular suddenly, superseded only by sales of Lunarglide.
Everybody kept calling it Fuckbutter when they thought he couldn’t hear, so he pretended to be offended whenever someone ‘slipped up’ in front of him.
He spent a pleasant two hours working in his shop; tuning, cleaning, stocking and trading…
“A dozen cubes of Lunarglide and two ounces of Liam’s webnut and cocoa herbal smoke… That’s about one copper mark and a half. What are we bartering?”
“I find myself at an embarrassing impasse… young shopkeeper…” He muttered awkwardly. “I brought coins…”
“Gary…” Tawny muttered softly. “Put my father’s… purchases on my account… Really Papa!” She fussed at the mustachioed duke.
“What are these little gold cubes, Gary?” She asked, holding one up from her Papa’s stash. “They must be new!”
Leo started turning a nice roasted chestnut color… His natural coloring and his deep tan combined to make him almost chocolate brown at the cheeks…
“Gary… tell me about these little cubes, in detail, while I write my Papa a receipt for his… What do you call it?”
#
A bunch of orphans with Contracts to Light invited the Wards for an all night bonfire on the campus, in that someone suggested there might be dancing, so they were going, even if it would leave him a little rattled and battered.
The kids made it til nearly midnight before zonking out in the camp Gary invariably carried in his magical bottom just in case. He erected a tent and spread out blankets when the first yawn slipped out of Rio, after that it didn’t take long before they were all watching the party from the periphery.
Shai curled up with her big warm fool and his three tiny kids, to watch the bonfire leap and flicker into the new dawn.
Ivy and Tallum sprawled together among the Wards, hugged close and enjoying the gentle presence of their spirit patron, in the midst of so many of its adherents. The radiant one’s attention seemed to almost vibrate in the moonglow and firelight.
#
The next morning Gary was rubbish. The bonfire celebration and the close presence of Light had fried his shadow into a crispy and withered shambles. He spread himself on the lawn to get some good clean sunshine on his bunshine. Friends came by to congratulate him on the triumph that was ‘Fuckbutter’, because everyone loves a good old fashioned pile on.
He finally had himself more or less back in shape, around third bell, when Otho and Naiomi showed back up with Willow in tow and a long document tube in her hand.
“Gary! Excellent that we found you! Our research has borne fruit!” The aged healer priestess called happily. She tacked a large chart to the wall and unrolled it with great care.
“Amicus and Kelli charted the increased incidence with the time, location and a numerical score we are calling the Kirillian Interference Neurological Kondition… or KINK.”
“You spelled that wron…” Gary began.
“No, we didn’t.” Naiomi snapped at him, brandishing her wand. “To continue… The KINK score is ranked on a scale from Suspicious, to Likely, Undoubtedly and Totally… In that order. From there we charted…”
“Yeah…” Gary began, when she stopped her lecture at his raised hand. “About your scoring system…”
“Gary, we worked hard on this presentation, under trying circumstances. Amicus helped as well, but he seemed to struggle with the effect more than either of us…” She said gently.
“An aura of both heightened sexual energy and relaxed inhibitions is bombarding the local area from an unknown source. Fortunately, both Otho and myself seem highly resistant, so our research has not been affected.”
“So, your data points are plotted based on their KINK score, on a scale of S.L.U.T., are charted out into this graph… Which is just a big drawing of a penis…”
Gary spoke very gently to the two old coots with the dick graph. It was impressive, in full color and annotated with sexy little illustrations of the positions that caused the most severe fuck injuries.
He turned to Willow and smiled gently at the eldritch being.
“You aren’t affected at all by whatever this is… you just let this happen, didn’t you?”
“I did.” She answered smugly. “Marduk and Thirp are studying human sexuality in general… they’ve expanded from just jerking off! It’s the whole naughty, moist and secretive human experience.” She sighed. “I’m part of the field research team. This event is providing a wealth of data!”
“So you aren’t interested in why the people of Wheatford are screwing themselves sore?” He asked the dryad.
“It’s not Wheatford, boy. It’s all of you. Every night when the moon comes up, so do the peckers… The lady bits get just as aroused, but they don’t poke out so absurdly! Wherever the moon comes up, so do the libidos of every sentient exposed to the rays… think about it.” Willow smiled happily. “I feel that tingling, warm glow on leaves all over this world boy, wherever moonlight touches willow leaves, I feel that dancing energy… of yours.”
“Mine?” He whispered, suddenly looking a little nervous.
“Yours, thundering down onto this tiny spinning globe, blended with the emanations of every fae, god and spirit currently squatting in your soul. Do you even know what you’ve done?” She laughed at his wide, evil grin.
“You do… You rake!”
“Gary… what does she mean… and by the light, that chart is just a big ol’ dick.” Otho muttered, as he blinked beary eyes at his young protege and his eldritch friend.
Naiomi turned slowly, with mounting horror on her face, as she quickly reviewed her ‘presentation’. “I don’t remember drawing this…” She opened the glossy paper folio and a central page unfolded open, revealing a very precise anatomical drawing, of her favorite position.
“You invented the centerfold… I am a terrible influence on this planet…” Gary mumbled. “Yes, Willow, I knew that I’ve been… there’s no other way to put it. I’ve been mooning the world, with my magic butthole in the sky. I didn’t think I’d go all Flesh Gordon and create a sex ray… does that make me emperor Wang? Bogus!”
“No lad, settle down. It’s not a sex ray, it’s more like a general loosening of inhibitions and a mild surge of vital energies.” Willow said softly to the boy, as well as the two older humans.
“Maple says that Marduk told her that Thirp thinks it’s a side effect of some corrosive effect, intended to loosen occult Contract bonds worldwide…” She said, evasively.
“But I know nothing…” She fluttered her eyelashes at the boy and sighed winsomely. “What could poor little Willow know of such schemes…”
“Gary…” Otho whispered harshly. “What have you unleashed? What have you done?”
“Yes, I kept it a secret from you too. Even Shai didn’t know. I am allowed to keep secrets and to act on my own volition.” He growled at the old priest.
“I owe this world’s churches, governments and powers nothing. If it all comes crashing down, so be it. Life goes on, life always goes on.”
“Which one are you, boy?” Willow whispered softly. “Fool? Hanged man? ….Devil?”
“I’m Gary. I’m the one who is going to pull the temple down on his own head, to end this madness. Even if it crushes me flat in the process.” He raked Otho and Naiomi with a terrifying gaze, one filled with cold fire and desperate fury.
“My kids are not getting sold into slavery… they sure as fuck are not getting the grabbyhands treatment. Not again, old man. I’ll scour the world of men of life and raise a necropolis kingdom of the dead to rule in darkness first.”
He coughed delicately into his clenched fist and smiled weakly. “Sorry, something got stuck in my craw.”
“Gary… are you well?” WIllow asked gently.
“”Uhh, yeah, sorry… Anyway, yes… I Think the sexyfactor will be going away by itself soon... It’s a doozy of a party trick though.” He mumbled. “Jocomo and Gabbie have been in super intensive sessions with Thirp and Ducky every night and naptime… It’s kinda messing with my insides a little. They don’t vibe.”
“Ahh.” Willow mumbled happily. “That explains part of it! Their presence is churning your magical essence… dredging up emotional and hormonal baggage.”
“Yeah…” He blushed a bright red and sank down in his sofa. “I had a lot of… hormones in my baggage.”
#