Ch: 211 Take My Coxcomb
The red Ascots joined the detachment of Ginger Dreadnaught on the hillside, helping with the remaining goblins and guarding Rolf’s injured. Rolf and Susan were sprawled on blankets, exhausted and wrung dry, but otherwise largely unharmed.
Goblins were too smart to be influenced by Gary’s flute; its call went unheeded by the sneaking green humanoids. The birds and wildlife answered, however.
Gary followed a swarm of butterflies into a thicket and flushed a small pack of the beings out into the open, slashing and bashing them out of hiding with his noisy mace.
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The lobster armored terror chased Bloody Toe tribe across a field, joined by a spinning, dancing, musical demon, with red hair and flashing blades. Her armor turned their daggers and clubs, even as her swords wrought awful carnage among the scattered raiders.
Their shaman fell with his staff shattered by the lobster, He drew that creature to himself, when he tried to curse the giantess with his arts. Skeelith’s final curse broke against the warrior’s heavy bronze mace and its spinning, singing blades, along with his skull. Bloody Toes sprinted for the woods when their shaman fell, only to be intercepted.
Red Claw tribe came screaming out of the woods at the two humans and their scattered foes, slashing at men and Bloody Toes alike, with the rusty scimitars that were their tribe’s mark.
“Meeeeat!” They screamed in loud, harsh voices that seemed at odds with their small stature and scrawny bodies.
#
From behind the humans, several more men and women emerged, red neckerchiefs at their throats and a battle cry on their lips. Arrows and javelins arched in each direction, along with shouts and screams as the forces entangled.
The Ascots surged forward, breaking the goblin offensive and pushing the little men into a tough position, trapped between the musical demon, the lobster and these new humans. Sir Klyburn watched the action from a distance, enjoying the show.
The lad with the puma armor and cloak of silver leaves had twenty gobbos wrapped up in a gully, keeping the whole Green Teeth tribe pinned down with his stellar swordsmanship. That would have been the thing to watch, if that red haired giantess wasn’t so damn fascinating. Her two swords wove and spun around her, flashing in the sun along with those marvelous, musical bells.
She dominated the battlefield, towering over most of the combatants and drawing every eye as she swanned from one knot of battling fighters to another. The towering giantess left only humans standing where she moved, painting green skin red with grace and effortless skill.
Somewhere around, that noisy fool was making a mess… Klyburn couldn’t seem to find him though; only signs of his passage, wrecked goblins and shattered weapons lying here and there.
Klyburn spotted him as the giantess finished dancing her foes to pieces and joined the puma in his efforts. Somehow, the lobster boy was in among his leader’s foes, moving through the blind gully with a savage kind of grace all his own, stomping, striking and bashing his small enemies from behind, while they tried to overwhelm him with numbers. The swordsman at the entrance to the trap sprang forward, taking the pressure off his friend with blinding swift strikes of his sword.
The bells and shining swords of the redhead woman soon joined the fray… and the stream running out of that gully ran red for a long while.
#
Seahorse nosed in at the main encampment and her crew leapt to the shore, while Tallum was still dropping the anchor. Marines from ‘Spray’ and ‘Lotus’ seized her lines and pulled the launch in closer to moor her up. Becky and Dannyl were the last out, racing to join the others in formation. Small green men and tiny red hatted people swarmed in the underbrush, awaiting their huge companions…
“Redcaps look scarier without skin.” Ivy announced calmly, with her mace and shield ready. Tallum stood right beside her, towering over everyone… except the terrifying ogres lumbering their way.
“Becky, Tallum, we keep that lefthand ogre busy, stay together.Then we switch to clearing up the gobs and vermin.” Ivy ordered crisply. “Dannyl… you need to get up behind it and…” She shuddered. “You know.”
The ginger lad grinned and pulled his goggles and veil into place. “Yeah… when it happens, stay back.”
A detachment of Belen’s marines, supported by a full platoon of heavy cavalry took on the other ogre, while Khan and Luna fell in with the kids. He twitched his stache and grinned at them. “Play it smart. Duke Belen and his heavies will be around to put a few lances in our friend shortly. Don’t take any chances.”
Ivy saluted her guildmaster and grinned right back. “Gary’s not here, master Khan… smart is how we always play it.” She winked and swatted her giant on the rump. “Let us try something… use your horn if you think it’s too risky.”
Khan grunted noncommittally and took his horn in hand…
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This was a purely physical threat and on a scale she couldn’t handle, so Becky played bard, infusing her gifts into her instrument, firming up her allies and replenishing them as they fought. She had some tricks too, if things got ugly. Her harp sang an old song of war from Garysland… one of so many stuffed in his brain. It was a bold, melancholy and sonorous thing called ‘The Foggy Foggy Dew’. The lyrics made no sense, but it carried the mood and fit the pace of this battle… for now.
Rise proudly high
Over Du-blin town
And hang out the flag of war!
Ivy and Tallum took the front line with Dannyl, together they hammered down the scattering of redcaps and gobs that fled from the coming cavalry charge. The kids looked like a softer target than a dozen marines and ten aged veterans, with a cavalry section lining up for some brisk trade.
Ivy and Dannyl changed the gobbo’s minds, but it was too late, once the battle was joined. A good third of the cowardly shits wound up milling about in the narrowing space between the pincers…
Both ogres were keyed in on the rich, meaty horses, stomping through the gobs to make a meal of them. The rearmost giant caught an annoying sting in its ear, pestering it to no end. It swatted at the pesky thing and its hand came back bloody…
Tallum hurled another javelin at the monster, sticking it right in the neck, just below the barbed shaft dangling from its ear. “Nice grouping lad!” Khan shouted, as the beast turned to face them.
Annie’s whinny of mortal panic and terror drew it in, like flies to a dungheap… Even though she hammed it up terribly. “Yes, I do think you oversold it… I’ll give you notes after the show.” Luna grumbled at the enormous horsie and patted her cheek fondly.
Ivy and Dannyl sent the last gobbos scrambling for the woods to be swept up later… The ogre was on them in a few long strides. Tallum charged at the much larger creature, feinting for its belly with a massive spear.
It stepped to the side with startling agility and held an open palm at the big man with the pointy stick. It barked a guttural phrase, sending a jolt of pure kinetic energy blasting at the warrior. It followed with a swift kick that would have ended things… Runes embroidered and etched in his armor and underlayers absorbed, redirected and consumed much of that stunning bolt of force, reducing it to a distraction.
Ogre foot met hefty iron spear point with violence and precision, as the young smith showed a surprising turn of agility all his own. The spear went flying, the head broken off and lodged in the monster’s footbones. The beast limped and screamed at the retreating man.
A smaller one came forward instead, a tasty little morsel with a mace and shield. It kicked her carelessly aside, looking for something bigger to devour. It should have sent her flying, broken and nicely smashed up for eating…
The tiny thing didn’t move. Instead, a punishing blast of force came blasting back into its crotch, crushing into the furry mess of matted… whatever was going on down there. It squealed in rage and even more intense agony, staggering back a step, right into range of Dannyl’s whip.
Searing agony engulfed its mind, consuming all hints of rationality or sense. Something was crawling all over its body, chewing, biting and grinding…
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Danyl had his whip wrapped around one arm and the creature’s hip joint, when he flexed his mana and started things going, he flew up to the creature’s shoulder, clinging there with his feet planted and both hands around the handle of his whip. He clung on grimly, pouring more of his Mana into the whip. Thick, wet clots of blood began to spray and splatter all around as he worked his weapon in ways best not examined too deeply. His crawling, cutting, biting whip found a way past the monster’s tough hide and bones… A ‘Secret Passage’, if you will, lost among the matted fur and scraps of hides covering the things lower half.
The thunder of hooves announced duke Belen’s cavalry force, they had fresh lances and their squad of marines and pensioners coming to relieve those crazy kids…
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“I think I'm gonna…”
“No puking in formation, trooper.” Leo grumbled happily. “These kids are craftsmen working their trade.”
The kids had backed far away from the titanic struggle taking place in a sunny meadow on a mid spring day by the river…
A masked and hooded figure in a wide brimmed hat and strange cloth and wood armor, rode an ogre across the meadow…clinging to its shoulders by some bronze handle.
More accurately, he rode most of an ogre across the meadow, the monster’s massive right arm fell to the ground five crazed, screaming steps in… its left leg followed a dozen steps later.
As it fell, the keen eyed among the watching warriors spotted a glint of bronze and steel chain links in among the creature’s remaining limbs and warty, hairy body.
The young man rode his tormented steed face down into the dirt, still screaming in rage and agony… the lashing, glinting chain finally wound around its thick neck and coiled twice. A thunderous, animal thrum filled the air as the ogre’s head toppled to the soil, jaw still working in a soundless wail.
“All right then… Lunch?” Leo asked with a grin.
#
Adam was in rough shape, Tawny had the musician run to Esperanza’s Bounty and grab a few planks and some cordage to strap the injured man to a makeshift backboard. They gingerly loaded him onto the ship, securing him safely amidships.
When they were ready to cast off, Otho and all three kids were on the gangway headed for shore. Hey! What gives?!” Gary yelled at the old man. “I warned you about her multipass!”
“No, my young friend… they insist that we can’t leave, something about a snake on the hill.” He shrugged helplessly.
Wilf stepped forward and pointed up the hill, above a small tributary stream a half mile from the main river. At the foot of a wide, barren slope sat the most perfect meadow anchored at the waterside by an enormous willow tree. Sharp eyes could just make out a cave on the eastern face of the hill. “Snake’s up there. It won’t stop calling.” He said, sourly.
“Ok kids, you get aboard and sail off with the others, we’ll get it back.” Gary leaned in close and spoke gently. “You really didn’t brainbust him?”
“Nope, we used our mortal words!” She announced with beaming pride.
“He’s secretly scared of us…” She whispered sadly. “Don’t tell Wilf.”
“Good girl. Now, little butts back aboard; there are hurt people that need help.” He chased them all back up the gangplank and turned his eyes uphill.
#
“So… your weird, haunted, evil club is up on that hill…” Rolf said slowly “Mind if I tag along? My team is worn out, but I feel like I need to see this.”
Gary looked him up and down, bloody and battered, no sword, missing a vambrace and sporting a fine crosshatch of clawmarks across his ruined breast and back plates.
“Come on bro, let’s get you cleaned up before we confront evil.”
In a little copse of trees the madman produced a washstand, basin, ewers of hot and cold water and a rack of fine fluffy towels.by the time he finished disrobing and washing up, a suit of strangely wrought chainmail stood on an armor rack beside the basin. His old armor and arming suit were gone. New padded underlayers were neatly folded beside the armor rack awaiting his attention.
“You really would be a fine butler…” He complained. “Waste of a gods given gift!”
He slipped into the padded jacket and trews, enjoying the silk lining and comfy cut and fit. The mail leggings and hauberk hooked together, snugly supported at shoulders, waist and hips. The weight spread over his body as it seemed to snug itself to him in several strange ways.
A soft and feminine voice came into his ear when he settled the coif and cap on his head. “This experimental armor is the property of Wardco engineering partners. Please exercise extreme caution. Unless you stole this, in which case, fuck off this armor is cursed.”
“It talked to me, you madman… Why did this armor just talk to me?” He scrabbled at the buckles and hooks securing it to his body, struggling like a wild thing.
“It’s ok, that’s just an illusion to scare any sticky fingered rubes. It won’t ‘talk’ again. Think of it like a bell over a shop door, warning of terrible curses for thieves…” He grinned in a mad and devious way.
“Losing that club made me a little more security conscious…”
Shai’s pet handed him a very fine broadsword and scabbard with a sturdy round shield. “The armor has some… passive features. Just relax and let things happen naturally. With any luck, you won’t even get sweaty.” He turned and looked up the steep barren slope.
It was climbable for sure, even on horseback… it just felt forbidding. Even the stunning little meadow by the gigantic willow tree at the foot of the ascent seemed strangely unwelcoming and ominous.
It was a short hike up a game trail to the wide green meadow on a pleasant little bend of the little side river. The willow towered fifty feet high with spreading boughs and trailing fronds covering enough space to house any number of lurking gobbos.
Liam raised his fist, bringing their column to a halt. A lone gob lay on the path, face down and looking like it had been trampled by a cavalry troop. Liam used his warshovel to roll the battered ball of ragged stuff off the trail and over to the side. “These woods are going to be disgusting come summer. Ivy, tie a flag on that bush so we can recover these remains… Oh, gods Gary, no…” The madman was dusting off his hands, as he rose from where the wretch had been.
“Relax, I’ve been collecting these little turds all day. Their parts are useless, but at least I can recycle their biomass…” He glared at the smaller man, whose expression of disgust and concern warred with one of general distaste for the whole idea.
“Flesh is flesh, once the motive spirit has fled. These creatures seem like sentient humanoids, but they’re really just the result of primitive fae spirits getting caught up and infested with monstery influences.” The lunatic lectured as they passed another slain gob, this one pierced through the heart, just once and very cleanly.
Gary tucked the corpse away neatly and kept on going. “They mimic the activities of true flesh and blood humanoids, but don’t leave any shades or ghosts behind.”
#
“Wow, your lancers really cover some ground…” The musician remarked.
Another hoofprinted goblin and a small group of red hatted tiny men with filed teeth were dashed all over a slight widening of the path.
“Ugh. More redcaps… these assholes are real living people, not monstered up spirit beings driven by mindless hunger.” He scattered salt over the corpses of the tiny men and women before collecting them too. “They are the fae equivalent to our shitty mad cultists… insane cannibal assholes.”
He made certain to collect all their weapons as well, even searching the scrub for a lost spiky iron shoe and the foot still inside it. “When we get to the main encampment we’re gonna have to address the matter of trophies… The weapons and tools these guys use are not normal iron… trust me, that’s all you wanna know.”
A few hundred yards later, they found an entire band of gobs and an ogre, all battered, trampled and skewered to bits. “These are no human kills. Look, no broken lances, no sword slashes or arrows… not even any horse droppings.” Rolf muttered, squatting down to examine a mess of hoofprints. “Hooves are unshod…”
Liam glared at the strewn corpses with fresh eyes and nodded. “I see what you mean, sir Rolf…” He looked up and snapped at the wandering musician. “Gary, sharpen up!” The chastened lobster hustled back to the group, looking embarrassed… somehow. Perhaps it was a subtle droop in his antennae and mandibles.
He scooted back into formation, leaving only the ogre’s cadaver behind. “Chonkster is too big to fit in my storage Pockets!.”
“Gary… I shouldn’t have to say this… but not all ‘flesh is flesh’... If you try to feed us goblin, ogre or redcap meat…” Liam muttered quietly to his mad brother.
“No way… I’m gonna feed them into the third pool; they will fertilize my garden, as nature intended.” He answered softly. “Do you smell sweet summer hay and candy apples?”
#
Hester felt them approach, a band of human warriors, they felt formidable and alert, mostly.
Among them was an aberration too odd to be ignored and too disturbing to be tolerated. She let them come closer, into the very heart of her newly created territory. This meadow was hers now, as well as the woodlands all around… she would defend it in her place of greatest strength…
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They emerged into that beautiful meadow just around fourth bell… it was stunning. Every weed and herb was a splendid example placed with precise and artistic care. The trees surrounding the little paradise were green and lush, as were the bracken and ferns below them.
A small brook ambled through, emerging from a spring in the hillside and babbling merrily. Butterflies, hummingbirds and songbirds flocked all around, bustling about their springtime business. It felt like a home… but not his home.
“This place is home to something, gang…” Gary murmured nervously. As if on cue, a huge, white horsie stepped from the willow’s draping curtain of green fronds.
Silver hair flowed from her mane, fetlocks and tail, streaming out in the soft breeze and shining in the sun. her hooves and horn shone metallic silver, polished mirror bright. “Ohh… wow.”
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“Nobody ever sings songs about what happens after the battle…” Dannyl complained, while grimly cutting another ogre into manageable pieces. Teams of horses were already dragging his last few projects off to ‘The Pile Of Stank’, to await disposal. Most crews were on two hour rotating shifts, but Dannyl was the only one with a tool suited to his task… “At this point, I don’t care how much overtime they’re paying me.” He moaned as the drayage teams started hauling massive limbs away.
The kids had arrived on Esperanza’s Bounty, with supplies, a platoon of healers and old Otho. The others were supposedly on their way… traveling down the River Road, mounted. Becky was in the camp, helping with logistics and minding the kids.
That left Ivy, Tallum and Dannyl out harvesting the fields of battle… It was a super grim job even with few human losses. There were three warriors missing and presumed killed at this point, Ivy’s shout for a healer changed that calculus.
Under a briar bush, Ivy followed Otho into a complicated and winding tangle of thorns and vines in a hidden bower, surrounded by slain gobs she found Burton’s corpse and a still weakly breathing Harris. Her call brought Dannyl out of his moping, his weapon started chewing a path toward his sister’s voice, in the wild bramble.
He no sooner breached the bower where Ivy was desperately trying to tend the fallen man, than three gold robes came swooping in to settle over the wounded fellow.
Finally they finished the last ogre… then came the job of getting clean. Gary had enchanted Dannyl’s armor and clothing with the specific and ‘dynamic’ effect his unique fighting style and weapon created, so his clothing absorbed blood and shed gore, leaving him sweaty and gross, but not a walking charnel house. The others were less fortunate, aside from Becky, whose armor and robe remained clean and fresh at all times, even in the thick of battle.
Ivy and Talllum were spattered and splattered with all manner of mud, blood and stuff best not examined too closely. Together they staggered to the designated bathing beach and started washing up. When the cold water, coarse soap and scratchy towels were done scrubbing all that filth and a few layers of skin away, they turned and confronted their gear… their filthy, disgusting gear.
“When will Gary get here?” Tallum asked hopefully.
#
Gary sprinted for the treeline, he barely made it, before that slashing stabbing horn found anything he liked. “Ok, Horsie is not interested in talking. Anybody else got an idea?” She whinnied in rage and trotted back into her meadow, circling warily and crying her challenge at them from time to time.
Gary leaned on a tree and pretended to gasp in great lungfuls of air, after his mad sprint away from severe impalement and trampling. He felt like keeping up appearances for the observing and still silent, sir Kluburn.
“She says that she’s going to guard this place and that cave forever… and I should fuck off, in particular.” He gasped, hugging his tree, while the angry magical equine shouted at him to: ‘fuck the fuck off, fucker’. “I wish Annie was here, she could probably talk some sense into her… Rolf, are you ok?”
The burly young knight in silvery mail was smiling and watching the creature, as she stamped and blustered at the humans… and whatever Gary was. He had to get closer, maybe even touch her…
“Rolf? Hey Rolf! What the hell!” Before anyone noticed, sane, sensible, conservative Rolf was off into the meadow, gently rubbing her ears and petting the massive jaw that had so recently been biting at Gary’s fleeing rump.
She reached down and had a delicate nibble at his hair, snuffling and chuffing happily.
Within a few minutes, Rolf was seated with his back against her massive body, and her head resting in his lap, dreamily snuffling at him.
“I never thought he would still be…” Tawny giggled to Liam, who giggled right along with the others, watching this tender scene play out before them.
Rolf kept happily cuddling the gigantic horse, heedless of the pointy horn right near his face. “Yer madness be contagious indeed boy, ye hae made a right proper fool of him after all!” Shai giggled softly.
“Think she’ll let us collect my stick, once the love fest is over?” Gary mumbled happily. “I never thought a unicorn would say ‘fuck’ so much… life is filled with little surprises.”
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