Ch: 235 Can’t Buy Me Love
The group of young people reconvened downstairs in the workshop, now converted into a lounge. Gary and Shai vanished upstairs, with giggling and excited children in their arms.
“I’m completely lost and confused.” Luna mumbled over her tea. “What was that farce?”
Becky and Tawny setted in across from the one eyed warrior and her man, smiling happily. “Duchess Sheng and I have been plotting with Becky and a few friends in the pantheon…” Tawny remarked casually. “That poor boy’s dreamworld is useful for more than just riding pretty ponies, Luna.”
“Don’t be mean, Tawny… riding colorful sentient ponies that never tire through endless meadows of wildflowers is a fine use of her dreams.” Becky scolded her friend gently. “Luna, you dream your own way.”
“In any case…” Tawny continued, shooting a fond glare at the high priestess. “Duchess Sheng and I decided, in consultation with Thirp and the god Knowledge… to shock the systems of her more resistant nobles.” She looked a little embarrassed for a moment. “They are all her most tiresome, stodgy and conservative lords and ladies…”
Becky picked up the thread with a naughty giggle. “As for the rest, we have a ball planned in a few days… it should play out much as things did in Rumell.” She yawned hugely and stood to go upstairs as well. “I have a busy day tomorrow… Goodnight all!”
“Me too.” Liam muttered grimly. “Becky and I need to get those books organized and start getting the curriculum together.”
“I’ll be up shortly, Liam.” Tawny sighed. “So much to do.”
“I still wonder what anyone could hope to accomplish from all that madness… Beyond insulting a group of nobles.” Luna complained.
Dannyl took a seat with a cup of tea and a sketch pad and sighed happily. “It’s the house and pool… its aura slowly permeates through any being that lingers here. It lowers inhibitions, relaxes rigid thinking and erodes magical restraints and foreign spellcraft…” He sipped his tea briefly, then resumed his sketching and chatting.
“I expected at least one to barf up some clear goo or dissolve… or something.” He complained mildly. “I thought that guy with the hairdo was possessed for sure.
“How disappointing for you.” Khan remarked drily. “What make you of this, sir Rolf?”
The blonde knight shrugged and smiled blandly. “I am no political operator, master Khan… and simply Rolf, if you please.” He kept glancing to the door, obviously in hopes that Angie would appear at any moment. “I’m off to the palace… I assume you plan to unleash Gary on the populace soon, as well?”
“Gary isn’t a mad dog we set loose on unsuspecting people… he’s more like a wellspring of foolishness that will eventually flood its banks, no matter how carefully directed and restrained.” Tawny replied archly. “I expect to hear that something has happened before lunch tomorrow.”
#
Rolf slipped Angie away from the palace and they strolled to the docks by the light of a pole lantern he carried. The storm had passed, its fury spent on the hills and valleys to the north leaving the city newly washed, cold and dark. Under heavy clouds, little moonlight escaped and a fitful breeze dashed between the buildings, shaking the trees and carrying the moan of ship’s rigging.
Back aboard Moonrise, Rolf served tea in the fo'c'sle before bedtime, toasting up a bit of Ivy’s leftover bread from the morning, with fresh butter and blueberry jam.
Annie reached her long neck through the hatchway, joining the evening’s quiet conclusion. The young couple and their unicorn friend, the giant dog and horse, enjoyed their snack in easy silence, on the gently swaying ship.
Rolf retired to his cabin shortly after, with a chaste kiss for each of the women in his life and a pat on the head for faithful Otho.
Ester joined Angie in her quarters with a disappointed sigh and a look on her face that said it all.
“Sweety, I promised I wouldn’t pressure Rolf.” Angie reasoned gently. “He has a code of honor and I love that about him.”
“Yes, yes, he is very upright and morally good… Now go hop on him and bounce around some. I’m sure something will arise that you will also love about him…” The petite blonde grumbled. She stalked across the small cabin with a smile of cold, calculating evil fixed on poor unsuspecting Angie, as the girl got ready for bed. Small, powerful hands grabbed her from behind, as Ester began peeling Angie out of her pajamas.
“Shoo, into his bunk! You promised not to pressure him, you made no promise to make it easy!”
With uncanny strength, the small girl shoved Angie through the companionway and into Rolf’s quarters, completely nude.
“Well…” Angie huffed at the shocked and pale face of Rolf, peering from his bunk. “Ester has made a strong argument, dear Rolf…” She tugged away his covers and slipped in beside him, cuddling close and flinging her bare leg over him.
“I never did promise to make your life easy.” She breathed in his ear.
“Apprentice Angie…” He squeaked softly. “I’m not wearing anything. Your leg is against my…”
“Oh, is it?” She asked mildly, when she felt something stir against her knee. “How marvelous.” She breathed in his ear, while pressing just a little closer for his warmth.
#
The young lovers pulled open the tremendous, bronze clad doors of the Bankers’ guild hall and stepped from a bright spring morning into a dark, dismal space.
Gary had never spent any time in, or even near banks in his life. The occasional odd job that paid him with a check always led him to the nearest no ID check cashing dump. The kind of place where they’d take a hefty slice off the top, deal him out a few bills in cash and stick whatever was left on a reloadable debit card that would be inaccessible until the check cleared.
His impression of banking in this new world felt very similar. He and Shai had marched into the Sublime Guild of Accountants and Bankers expecting… something. Instead they entered a cavernous room with a small seating area behind a polished wooden railing.
Beyond the waist high swinging gate, desks were scattered over the chamber singly and in clusters. Men and women bustled around with ledgers and folios, scribbled at their desk or conversed in tense knots here and there.
A few people glanced up when the bell over the entry rang, but no one seemed interested in two young people in common garb.
Above each desk or grouping of desks, a flag hung from the rafters, marked with the emblem of the various organizations operating from the hall. He spotted several that matched the charms on Shai’s silvery bracelet; he’d been told that the tokens were keys to access the accounts held with that individual bank or fund. The silver bear had a number of desks, as did bronze rabbit, while iron owl had only one desk near the entry. Gold deer and silver dog both had small rooms off the main chamber with their logos emblazoned on the doors.
Prosperous looking men and women streamed in and out, passing the young couple by without a glance. Shai sat down on the hard bench and patted a spot beside her. “Someatt will come tae see about our business soon lad. Bide wi me.” She murmured, recognizing the unpleasant and cranky look in his eye. “Whae troubles thee now, lad?”
“Meh, I recognize the looks we got… we’re gonna be sitting here a while.” He grumbled softly.
“Nae, tis simply a busy morning… twill be nae long.”
#
Angie and Rolf came strolling up to the house together, with Ester following behind looking grumpy and disappointed. “It feels like you weren’t even really trying to seduce him… do I need to draw pictures?” She complained bitterly.
“Please don’t…” Rolf pleaded. “I’m having trouble walking.”
“There’s a cure for that!” Ester snapped at the poor lad.
“You stop that and be nice.” Angie ordered sharply as they entered the garden. “I want you to try and be polite to Gary…”
“He’s not home… him’n Shai went banking…” Amy sang happily from atop Annie, with Wilf and Rolf. “...they’ve been gone fer a while.”
Becky and Angie embraced as though they hadn’t seen each other in years and began having a conversation that was beyond Rolf’s hearing, so he sank into the sofa near the fireplace with a sigh. Tallum and Dannyl joined him a few minutes later, with tea and hot bread, fresh from the oven.
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“Rough night?” The young artist asked, while the giant poured.
“Yeah…” Rolf gasped over a scalded tongue. “I was up all night…”
Both young men nodded as one. “We’ve been watching you… I say this with the utmost respect for your convictions and the dignity of your office, but you really should stick that poor girl and stick her good.” Dannyl mumbled softly. “You’re just torturing yourself and her…” He chuckled darkly for a moment, lost in some private amusement. “Watching Ester go insane is kinda fun for me though.”
Tallum nodded again and rumbled as quietly as he could in agreement. “I had a similar problem…” He paused thoughtfully. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.”
“I don’t have a problem… down there!” Rolf whispered fiercely.
“Sorry, I meant I had a problem with holding myself back… a friend said that I was cheating her… and myself of happiness for no good reason. The longer I thought about it, the more it felt like I was stealing something from her every day…” The giant stopped speaking and blushed a color not usually seen outside sunsets or blazing forges.
Dannyl swatted his gigantic friend on the shoulder and grinned at the young lord. “He’s a big’un, but he’s a thinker too!” Third bell began to sing and the two men rose and headed into the kitchen to begin lunch.
“Roast goose for dinner, impossible nuggies for lunch, kids!” Dannyl called to the little ones, who were practicing their instruments under the instruction of someone Rolf decided he’d best not look too closely at.
“Ghosts… bloody ghosts everywhere.” The young knight mumbled on his way into the baths. He had a lot to think about.
#
He could tell Shai was getting cross… They’d arrived a few minutes after second bell, the posted opening time… and taken seats. Now it was third bell and still they sat unnoticed.
“Let’s make a little noise, love.” He murmured to his slow simmering woman. She rose from the bench after a second or two of hesitation.
Gary stood up, took Shai’s silver charm bracelet bearing hand and strolled through the swinging gate into the office floor proper. He marched up to a desk under the silver bear and stood there until the clerk looked up.
“Petty cash transactions must wait to be called.” He droned impatiently. “Sit in the waiting area until you are called.”
“We’ve been here an hour and nobody has even looked our way… we’ve got one of your company’s charms…” He began, only to be cut off.
“Security!” The robed flunktionary called in a bored tone. “Remove these two to the waiting area please!” At his call, a lightly armored guard with a sheathed short sword marched up.
“Please retire to the waiting area and refrain from bothering the clerks.” She announced in an equally bored voice.
The two followed her back to the hard bench inside the railing. She remained by the passthrough, not watching them, but certainly not, not watching them…
“Leave me the bracelet and head on out love, I’ll wait here until they get sick of me. You don’t wanna watch that.” Gary murmured softly. “I promise not to start anything unpleasant.”
“Fie! I do hae other errands tae run… I’ll be sending Ivy tae do some business. If they call thee, stall them until she comes.” Shai tapped her ear cuff and held a brief whispered conversation as she departed, with a glare for the smug clerk under the silver bear.
Gary didn’t listen in on Shai’s call, because he wasn’t wearing an earcuff; he was also busy making himself comfortable.
Every time the powers that be had a chance to assert dominance… whether in his old world, or this one, they took it. That old problem reared its head again, but Gary had some new ways to respond to this particular situation… he’d tested them extensively for maximum impact.
Gary had spent a lot of his young life uncomfortable, wedged into a corner and parked there, awaiting someone else’s convenience. He was no longer a destitute crippled kid and was in no mood to put up with nonsense.
There was a certain kind of person who enjoyed dominating others that way and making people miserable, the kind of ‘rules for rule’s sake’ person that was always drawn to bureaucracy… The best way to discomfit that kind of person was to make one’s self ostentatiously comfy.
First, out came a low tea table and a small sideboard with a steaming samovar, fueled by one of his tiny magical heat stones. He placed trays and platters of small cakes and cookies alongside an assortment of teas and a number of small clay teapots. Sugar, cream and teacups followed, as well as a basket of small wooden spoons and a pot of honey. He even hauled a small potted jasmine and placed it on the tea table.
Cushions and pillows began to pour out of his endless Pockets! in one's and two’s. Soon the far corner of the spartan and unpleasant corral was a lovely little nook, surrounded by a velvet rope on wooden stanchions. A sign stood on a stanchion of its own at the entrance to his little lounge; ‘VIP’ it read, spelled out below each capital letter in a column: ‘Very Irritated Peasants’.
Prosperous looking people walked in from time, as they had all morning. Each one was immediately swept through the little gate and off to whatever business they came to do, while Gary lingered. Those few common folk who arrived found seats far from the weirdo, but kept shooting sneaky glances at his antics.
A few minutes after fourth bell, yet another merchant entered, decked out in silk, with a stack of rings on her hands. A minion of the guild swooped her up and led her away, just as her eyes settled on the VIP lounge.
Gary sprawled bonelessly in a comfy green velvet wing chair with his feet up on an ottoman, sipping fragrant tea and reading a book with a lurid image of a shirtless young man in suspenders standing beside a gorilla man with an eyepatch on the cover. ‘Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls, by Chuck Tingle’ it read in bold type.
The same clerk waved the guard over for a hushed convo, once Gary was all comfy, with his feet up enjoying a snickerdoodle. A moment or two later the guard was standing outside his ropes, fidgeting in obvious discomfort.
“You can’t do that here…” The guard mumbled awkwardly.
“Do what, sister?” He asked mildly. “This is the waiting area, I’m waiting.” He fixed his gaze on the poor woman and smiled blandly.
“You can’t have all these… things here…” She stammered.
“Explain to me why I can’t.” He said with an unctuous smile. “Oh, perhaps our problem is solved…” He said brightly as another robed clerk scurried over and paused at the odd rope.
“I’m here to do some banking with…” The clerk raised her hand abruptly, cutting him off.
“Lady Penelope will have some of that tea and a plate of whatever those are.” She said coldly, pointing to his cinnamon and sugar coated ‘doodles.
“Well then, lady whatsherface needs to use the magic word…” He said with a smile. “You should learn it too… this is a world of magic and wonders…” He’d fallen into a sluggish, cold molasses pattern of speech, sweetly polite, but dragging each word and phrase out infuriatingly. He drawled and slouched his way through his short speech with laconic and terrible slowness.
Halfway though his little speech, the annoyed clerk reached out to unhook the velvet rope and found herself unable to figure out the simple mechanism. Frustrated beyond endurance, she hoisted her robes a bit and tried to step over the low dangling rope. She somehow wound up turning about, facing the wrong way.
After taking a moment to collect herself, under the amused eyes of the fool peasant, she tried again… with the same result.
“Lindsey, open this enclosure for me.” The clerk demanded. The guard shrugged and started fiddling with the stupidly simple bronze clasp holding the rope. After a few dozen frustrating heartbeats, she tried to step over as well… and wound up facing the wrong way too.
With a growl of embarrassed frustration, Lindsey grabbed the stanchion and tried to flip it over… it remained rooted in place as though it were part of the building’s foundation stones.
“Cut it!” The clerk snapped in a fury “Use one of those sharp things of yours and cut it!”
“Oh… I wouldn’t try that, not at all.” Gary said with a slow, stupid smile on his face, still lounging in his wing chair with his despicable and inexplicable book.
#
Dannyl and Ivy were having a nice chat on their way to the Accountants and Banker’s Guild hall. “... he calls them ‘Tinglers’… I drew a half dozen book covers for him a few weeks ago.” Dannyl pulled out one of his sketchbooks and flipped a few pages in. He passed the tiny blonde mage a drawing so lurid, shocking and bizarre, she felt a little queasy just looking at it.
“Space Raptor Butt Trilogy…?” She asked, lost in the utter depths of confusion.
“Like I said, he calls them ‘Tinglers’... There seem to be dozens of books written by this ‘Doctor Chuck Tingle’, though Gary never actually read any of them… He just looked at the covers and read the very weird things people had to say about the books.” He shrugged.
“Weird, cause it seems those are the only things he hasn’t read… He always mumbles about something called ‘Amazon’ and ‘age verification’ when I ask.”
“So what are the drawings of the covers for?” Ivy asked.
“Dunno, he had me paste them onto blank notebooks for some gag.” Dannyl said with a grin. “They are all pretty hilariously appalling.”
#
Lindsey dropped her shortsword from her numbed, tingling hand with a soft curse of surprise.
Chopping through that thick, squishy, braided velvet rope should have been easy… Instead she had blunted her favorite dagger and now bent and notched a company issue shortsword. The damn rope barely swayed throughout the ordeal and not a single thread had parted under her assault.
The fool boy had yet another obscene book out, as he thumbed through the pages, leering with delight. “I told you cutting the rope was a bad idea… maybe try burning it.” He said with a mad wink, still seated in his chair. “You gotta find your own flaming sword though.”
He drew a sword hilt from somewhere on his person with a small flourish. He brandished the empty basket guarded hilt one handed and closed his eyes for a moment. A tongue of curving, flickering fire leapt from the brass guard, lighting the chamber brightly and making the guard and clerk step back in alarm. A wash of palpable heat flared from the bright blade of burning sunlight, until it flickered and vanished with a soft ‘Whuff’.
The Sun Sword, enchanted weapon, sword class. Spiritual enchantment. Rarity, unique. Rank, Copper. Elemental affinities: Fire, Air, Light.
Effect, Blazing Sword: Wielder may call forth a blade of intense heat and fire for a high mana cost per second. Blade is partially substantial and capable of striking immaterial entities and objects.
*Warning* Wielder receives no special protections against heat, flame or fire effects, including those of this weapon. *Warning*
*Ookla, Ariel, Ride!*
“Let me know when you want to talk business…” He murmured softly while flipping another page with delight writ large across his face. ‘Pride And Pre-Judged Ass’ seemed to be a real page turner, certainly the woman in scanty red underthings of strange design on the cover was compelling…
When they looked back, the boy was in the middle of his little personal corral setting out more things. A small iron cookstove appeared from nowhere, followed by a kettle. The boy fiddled with the thing and a soft ‘Whuff’ sounded. In a few minutes, steam and the scent of bacon began to spread through the guild hall. The madman had a chopping board on the side table, cutting vegetables with a smile on his face, perfectly at ease.
“Is he.. Is he making chicken and dumplings in there?” Lindsey asked, having decided that amusement, of her available response options, was the least likely to send her into apoplexy.
“Yes, yes he is, Lindsey. Creamy chicken and dumplings. I’m sorry about your knife and sword.” The madman replied, with a smile that said he was sorry about neither.
“Call a justiciar, Lindsey!” The clerk fussed from nearby. “Call them and have him thrown out!”
“Your little friend is a bit of a pill.” He remarked, with a broad wink at the other clerks who were all watching the show, while pretending to work. “She’s probably hangry… lunch will be ready soon.” He went back to work, mixing his dumpling batter and whistling a cheery tune.
“You have nice acoustics in here… was this always a bank?” He asked Lindsey, the guard, who shrugged.
“I don’t now…. Why don’t you show me that sword of fire trick again?” She asked, now that he was talking.
“No trick… it’s an enchanted weapon prototype… very top secret, keep it under your hat… or don’t.” He gave her a wide, insane grin that left no doubt. She was dealing with an utter mooncalf. He stuck his big calloused hand over the rope for a shake and held it out, waiting.
“I’m Gary, apprentice Adventurer, full time troublemaker. You’re Lindsey the indentured Adventurer… and your friend with the mouth is…?”
“That’s journeyman Accountant, Krista Lange, with the Sublime Guild of Accountants and Bankers, the Bronze Rabbit company.” She answered with her own hard, calloused hand in his.
“Bronze Rabbit? I have one of your charms too… let me know when you wanna deal…” He said to the clerk, who looked like she might begin bleeding from the ears soon.
#
Ivy and Dannyl strolled into the Bankers guild hall, right into chaos. A cluster of clerks were gathered watching, as a small woman in the robes of a journeyman accountant was shrieking at Gary, in a highly unprofessional manner.
“...filthy orphan peasant! Despicable common trash!”
“That seems to be going as well as we expected…” Dannyl mumbled through an amused smirk.
#