Ch: 227 Wisdom And Goodness To The Vile Seem Vile
“She does say she nae will be moved, save Rolf accept her. I dinnae ken… She does say fuck so much…” Shai stamped her foot in frustration, shaming the overwrought unicorn into a moment’s quiet. “I’ll nae let thee near Rolf, an ye dinnae behave!” She scolded the creature.
“Hey!” Rolf complained weakly. Annie had him by the belt, half dangling from her teeth, helpless. Otherwise he would be in downtown snugglesville, with the perfect, beautiful, enchanting, extraordinary…
Shai shook the glamor off with a bit of effort. She’d been whammied too many times by the dryads and great fae now for it to stick easily. Plumeria and Solange could charm a miser out of his purse with just a wink and nod; this horsie had nothing on those evil lushes. Her bar would have been drained dry if she hadn’t learnt to resist their glamors. Which they immediately took credit for.
“Everything is cultivation…” Solange had pontificated, when they discovered her resistance. “…my plan comes to fruition, in due time.”
Shai went back to arguing with the gleaming horsie of every child’s dreams. “Tell me of this ‘other rider’ ye insist on…” She soothed the agitated creature. “Speak calm an plain, I’ll let thee play wi Rolf fer a half hour. Then tis dinnertime.”
“Hey! Rolf protested again, kicking his feet and swaying in Annie’s grip. Everyone ignored Rolf, except the unicorn, she was fixated on him and kept trying to edge around Shai to get at him. She kept up her interrogation for a few minutes before she turned to Annie and reluctantly nodded. “Aye sure’n she earned him. Release the Rolf.”
“I’m not some… reward, to bribe stray wildlife with…” Rolf grumbled, while dashing over to hug up on the shining creature. Amy, Wilf and Rio were already on her back, relaxing and smiling happily.
Annie had a good frolic as well, now that she had that boy out of her teeth, she gamboled and frisked in the meadow like a yearling, until Shai called everyone back for dinner at seventh bell.
#
Filly was in her cabin, with Tony and his tiny… in comparison, wife. The baroness had been unsuccessfully pumping them for any clue as to what she had found herself neck deep in. They would only smile and give half answers and prevarications, no matter how she pressed.
“I’m sorry, Filly. Priestess Naiomi gave strict instructions… we’ve been sworn to secrecy, until our experts return. Perhaps the local gossip mongers could help?” Tony offered, helplessly.
“A member of my household has been slain… Tony, two others gravely injured… if you are playing games with me on this…” She grumbled at the big man and his wife.
“These are not our secrets to tell… and Secret is at the very, beating heart of the matter.” Adele Replied softly. “Naiomi believes we may learn more if you and your crew are ‘brought up to speed’...”Adele paused and sighed. “Gods, I’m starting to talk like him…” She muttered unhappily.
“High priestess Naiomi of Healer, Beloved of Joy Otho and Amicus Fawn all agree that we will all learn more, if you are examined and briefed by our experts.” Tony said firmly.
“I am beginning to wonder what all this is truly in aid of, Tony.” She grumbled. “I’ve been listening to the gossip… Boys falling from the sky with pockets full of candy and wonders? Slaver raids on your very doorstep and men murdered in the market ward, only to walk back in from the wilds a few days later, alive and well. Ground dragons and tree monsters… ballsack demons?” She shook her head in disbelief.
“I heard tell of a town to the north, a few years ago… a magic fungus sprouted and they all hallucinated for a week…”
“Well, there has been a bit of that, I can’t deny… but I will tell you which, if any of those rumors are factually untrue.” Tony offered.
“Splendid, which ones are patently false?” She asked eagerly.
“Keep going, I’ll tell you when you hit one that is too far off the mark.” He said smugly.
“How about a silent ghost battle throughout the market ward during a holy festival?”
Tony just smiled and shook his head.
“Oh come on! That has to be utter shite!” ” She grumbled even harder.
“Goblin army and a headless horseman murdered a lord outside an inn… An inn that wanders the countryside on legs? A mad musician that rides a stick horse as though it had wings? A man made of spiders, blowing away on the wind? New gods?”
“Don’t forget a bit of human sacrifice, unclean rituals, dogs and cats living together… It’s been a busy year so far.” Tony remarked calmly.
“I’m beginning to hate you, Boney Tony.”
#
“Come on, Gary… can’t you just… I don’t know, play her a song and wag your bottom at her? That seems to be how you solve most of your problems…” Rolf complained.
Gary glared at him and pointed to his numb and useless left arm. “Can’t play…” He snapped, in a rare display of irritability. “She’s a fae creature of glamor and the wilds… My gifts and spells wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want them to. Bad matchup.”
“She does say she will nae be moved till Rolf accept her an she meet, ‘The Girl Wi The Magic Leg’... ” She sniggered at Rolf, when he blushed the color of a new copper bit.
“Ooo… I can see it now, the two of you, riding across that meadow on her back…” Becky sighed happily. “So romantic.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that my stupid, evil club is up in that cave and it needs to come out. I’m fifty percent sure Shaheen’s real head is up there too… but screw that douche.”
“Gary! Language!” Becky snapped, glaring at him over the three little ones.
“Nuhh uhh, That guy sucked.” Amy said firmly. “That’s official.”
“That’s my girl.” Gary cooed. “Now could somebody please play something? It’s like a tomb in here.”
“You can just… do your thing…” Liam said, as he was headed for the baths. “Just haunt some up.”
“Yeah, I tried that, huge failure. They all arrived one armed too… and they hate it. Starman is super pissed, cause I called him twice. I thought it would work the second time.” Gary slumped in his seat, with a sour look on his face.
“Maybe we go snatch Angie away and come right back?”
“What if we bring her to Angie? Annie and some of the other horsies show up in your dream world all the time now. Could we bring tall white and beautiful, there?” Becky wondered aloud.
“Oooh! Now that has merit.” Gary mumbled, rubbing at his shoulder in irritation and discomfort. “Let’s try that tonight Rolf can give her one of Liam’s candies.”
“That seems a little reckless, considering the state of you lately.” Tawny said softly.
“Morrigan has pretty much vanished since I chewed her out; I have plenty of space still available.” He answered with a yawn. “I’m gonna lay in the moonlight for a while… Could somebody come collect me later?”
Shai shooed him out with her silly, floppy broom… Gary suspected it was some inside joke between her and Brigid. “Go moonbathe lad, I’d hae thee whole again soon.”
Gary came to, in the dream house, feeling shaky and feeble… but he had a left arm here. He only lingered a few minutes, before the moonrise on his backside pulled him off to normal sleep. It was just long enough to convince Eponna to help with his hooved and horned problem.
“She is one of mine, that makes that delightful boy mine too, one we get him settled in with her.” Eponna sighed happily.
He woke most of the way, when Tallum helped Shai haul him inside and flop him into the grotto pool to slosh around and stay out from underfoot.
#
When Gary finally arrived in the other house, Rolf, Angie and a tall, beautiful albino woman with silver hair were in the bath, as thick as thieves.
“…a baby unicorn is called a glitter… Why do you ask?” She murmured softly to Angie.
“No reason, what do you call a whole group of unicorns?” Angie had a look in her eye… a Lisa Frank fascination that Gary found just a little frightening.
“That would be a sparkle, as in ‘I ran with a sparkle of unicorns’.” The newcomer answered with amusement. “I was expecting to Contract a new rider and his mate… not take a quiz.”
When Gary showed up, her mirth evaporated a little. “Fucking deadling filth…” She greeted him coldly. “Fucking nice to see you again, you gods damned clot of wandering grave soil.”
“Ok… I’ll leave you to it.” He mumbled calmly as he wandered off.
“That was mean, Hester.” Angie scolded, while Rolf just grinned foolishly.
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
“Honestly, I never liked ‘Hester’, that was my name in another life.” She sighed happily, ignoring Angie’s complaints. “Ester, that is a name for a unicorn.”
“Very well Ester… You were still very mean to my friend…” Angie insisted.
“What? The dead one? They don’t have feelings… You know, if you buried it properly, it would be less troublesome.” She sputtered a long, slow breath through her lips, as horses do and sank lower in the pool.
“He’s my friend, my brother and our host… don’t be such a bigot. You like his woman and children, why can’t you let him be?” Angie was poking Ester in her compact, muscular boob, punctuating each word with a finger stab.
“She will come to understand, once she has Contracted with her rider.” A quiet voice composed of birdsong and cricket chirps whispered from behind them.
A tall, dark skinned man with golden hair and a very fine rack of stag antlers settled into the bath with a sigh. He turned eyes the color of maple leaves in autumn, all the shades of red and gold, on them and smiled.
“I am Cernunnos, the Huntsman, we have business, we four. Contracts overdue for sealing and bargains to strike.”
“We can do that here? Truly?” Rolf asked quietly. “I really want to…”
“Ester does as well, but there is an impediment… Order is currently squatting in your Animus, where she belongs. Dismiss him, that we might correct this error.” The being said calmly, as he washed his antlers. “Ohhh, that is nice.”
“I can’t simply ‘dismiss’ Order from my soul…” Rolf muttered angrily.
“He won’t be offended, or even notice, any more than you would the loss of a single hair from your scalp.” Cernunnos mumbled happily. “You're not balding, are you? Marduk seems to have a fixation with that particular human anxiety.”
“Oh, gods… it’s like talking to Gary.” Rolf muttered. “I can’t end a Contract just like that!”
“All right, mortal boy… Let’s help you move that Contract out, it’s going to feel awkwardly like pooping… or so I’m told by a demigod in the know.” He smiled again, with a towel caught in his antlers. “I’ve never pooped, so I don’t know. Lady Thirp’ if you would…?”
When Gary’s terrifying spider friend slipped out of the bushes, Rolf felt a shudder of instinctive horror run down his spine. He was no true arachnophobe, but she was a lot to take in. Angie dashed over and slipped into a very complicated hug, with those fangs hovering dangerously close to her throat.
“Lady Thirp…” Rolf coughed while trying to slow his heart down.
“I’ve come to help you unstitch a troublesome Contract, relax.” She cooed at him. “This process will be painless, if slightly disorienting. I will simply need your informed consent… Do you wish the unicorn Ester Poppyfield to be Contracted to your Animus? This is a significant choice.”
“I… I do, Lady Thirp.” He mumbled.
The spider leapt from Angie, onto Rolf, clinging to him as he stood so very still, in a near panic. “Oh, yes… Excellent! Well done Angie he is very fine material…” She said, before her fangs sank into his throat and everything went swiftly and comfortably dark.
‘That should have been terrifying…’ Was his last thought before darkness engulfed him in a warm embrace.
#
Twice more before they reached Port Fallon, Jerry rode off while Carlos set camp. Each time he returned with something for the cookpot, something monstrous. “If yer going to Adventure, you need to develop a taste for monster, lad.” Jerry said with a grin. Wallowbear stew was only the beginning…
“I don’t remember agreeing to this…” Carlos wheezed during their predawn workout. “Really, I may not be suited to…” The young carter had to stop making excuses and start defending himself with a ‘spear’ made from a peeled alder sapling, when Jerry pressed his attack.
“Some are forced intae a life of Adventure lad… others heed her sweet call later in life… Some few must be led there by their pricks and a pretty backside.” Jerry spun his short wooden cudgel wrapped in a saddle blanket and mused calmly; while making Carlos dance around the camp to avoid a drubbing.
“Theresa is forever trying to get me to work out and spar with her…” He mumbled over breakfast. “I couldn’t bear to let her beat my ass like this… cause she would.”
“Stick with me lad, by summer’s end ye’ll be a proper duckling, ready to splash about with yer damsel.” Jerry sighed happily. “Instructing sharpens up my fundamentals lad… So yer doin’ me a favor.”
“So how are you going to square all these jobs you’ve been doing, with the guild?” Carlos asked, when they were on the road again. “You need at least a partner to accept Adventure contracts.”
“I filed yer papers with the guild in Wheatford last week lad, try an keep up.”
“You what?!” Carlos gasped, clinging to the driver’s bench to remain aboard.
“I have eyes tae see. Yer guild fee was a small gamble, one I think will pay us both well… Ever speared groundworms before?” Jerry asked merrily. “Cause we have a fair sized patch tae clean up.”
#
Bright and early, a half hour after dawn Gary and the troupe marched up the trail and into the lovely, very nice but not wholly extraordinary meadow, at the foot of a granite hill.
No white and furious spirit in horse flesh stamped out to challenge their passage. Rolf and Ester the unicorn did peek out from under the boughs of the cottagewillow and wave at them as they went by.
Gary walked grimly at the front, his arm not in a sling, but in a long black gauntlet and dark, uncomfortable looking pointy armor up to his left shoulder. He walked with an awkward gait, holding his left arm out as far as he reasonably could. The musician wore an expression of absolute disgust, as though he had reached into an over filled privy for a dropped treasure and now deeply regretted it.
They climbed the weathered granite slope and gathered in the wide, shallow cave near the top. At the entrance sat a long mummified, headless human corpse. It could be a hundred or a thousand years since last blood flowed in the jerky like flesh, none could say. Nearby sat a much less ancient head, with familiar features and a slight freshness problem.
“Ok, glad the kids are on the boat…” Gary murmured as he headed for the back of the cave. In the dark, moist back of the cavern, he found his battered leather case, still sealed with a band of inscribed brass.
His companions lit off the glowstones mounted to their gear when they joined him in the dark, revealing the dank, mossy interior of the cavern. A few tumbled boulders lay here and there, surrounded by mossy growths and the occasional fungus.
It was less a true cave, than a wide, deep gouge into the granite hill, deep enough that the sun never touched the back of the cavern. The musician had his leather case open just a little, set on a low boulder; grinning with poorly concealed discomfort, he fished around in it with his unpleasantly armored left hand.
He gave a small cry of triumph and pain as he pulled the hideous club out into the open. It still gleamed wetly, as though drenched in some oily liquid. The intricate scales of the twining, black iron serpent seemed to move and writhe in the steady light of their glowstones.
With a pained grunt Gary began pulling his arm out of the hideous, pointy armor. Even once it was unbuckled, he had to wriggle and squeeze his way out. The gauntleted fist remained firmly locked around that deadly viper head, clenching it closed in a mailed deathgrip.
It took a good three minutes to wriggle his arm free of the armor, which remained immobile, clutching the damned thing.
Once his arm was extracted, he began smearing his violet goop all over the red, raw flesh. “Ghaaa! That sucked!” He complained, shooting a dirty look at the objects still sitting on the boulder.
With distaste the boy grabbed his wicked club and armor mess and started working, right there on the stone. With no arm inside, the armor piece slipped over the club and buckled closed, encasing it inside the armor, with the gauntlet curled around and enclosing the club’s dangerous grip end.
Once it was all buckled closed, the entire cudgel was shut inside, sealed away. He tucked the assembly back in its case and sealed it again, crimping a fresh sigil into the brass strap with a pincer and a few embossing tools.
“Are done lad? All sealt away?” When he nodded, Shai stepped up and shoved the whole arrangement into a heavy canvas bag. Ivy took the satchel and with a bit of sleight of hand, made it disappear into nowhere at all.
“Wait… what?” The distracted and bleary eyed gaze Gary leveled at the two women was profoundly confused as well.
“You made a pocket ring months and months ago as an experiment. I guess you forgot it…” Ivy grinned at him, overjoyed to be one up on him once again. “Well Thirp didn’t. She found it in your memories and did a little snooping.” She spun the gold ring on her palm and smiled.
“Turns out, you’ve changed so much, body, mind and soul, that this ring is kinda an orphan now, all alone. It no longer answers to you in any way… So now your evil little accident is tucked neatly between reality and nothing, until I pull it out.” She handed the ring to Tallum, who hung it around his neck.
“Problem, Gary?” She demanded.
“Nope… none at all. Senpai.” He said with a tired smile. “Who’s gonna help me down the hill? I’m wiped out.”
#
“The trick is to catch one alive and keep it in a can.” Jerry enthused over skewers of groundworm. “By morning, any stray worms will be here, trying to free the one we have here, so we can pick them off. Make sure it’s all cleaned out, then we sell this one in town.”
“So that’s where trashworms come from…” Carlos marveled.
“Aye, every city and town is always eager for a fresh trashworm. Same with most monsters in the Adventure trade, it’s steady business, when handled well.” He smiled wanly after a moment. “We do sometimes encounter eldritch horrors and any surprises on the job are rarely welcome ones… so it’s not all roast worm and warm nights.”
“That’s not encouraging, Jerry. I feel like a dupe…” The young drayman’s apprentice… and now apprentice Adventurer grumbled.
“Aye, but a dupe who will clear a bronze half and two copper marks for his participation on this journey.” Jerry said with a grin.
“Oh…Sweet! Show me that underhand thrust again at lunch… I’ve almost got it.” Carlos looked into his heart and found that the real motivation was the promise of shiny coins, all along. “Senior Adventurer Jeremiah.” He said with a smile.
“Good lad. Ye’ll buy yer lady fair, right and true, just like in all the stories.” Jerry said with a grin.
“Wait… what stories?” Carlos asked, looking confused and troubled.
“Orphans, we have our own stories, lad… if yer gonna marry intae the family, best ye listen close and learn.” The older man said with a wide, guileless smile.
“Theresa put you up to this…” He muttered.
“Nae, lad… She has no clue. This comes from the Orphan’s league, old Otho himself put me up to it, so be at ease.” They rode along in awkward silence for a while, until Jerry finally spoke.
“We dinnae have close kin to watch over us, lad, so she’s my sister right and true. I’ll do my duty to her and hope ye are the one lad in a hundred who follows through on his intentions.”
“I will.” The young carter answered.
“Then, brother… we have miles to ride, two more beasties to stomp and into Port Fallon’s dubious embrace. Then we take whatever cargo we find and whatever contracts are feasible on the way home…” He paused on that word, enjoying its flavor for a moment. “Home. That’s good.”
#
Moonrise was moored on the meadow now, waiting for them to come down. With an exhausted sigh, Gary rolled the corpse and the head up in a tarpaulin and vanished them into his inventory. It took longer to get down the long gritty slope than anyone preferred, walking into the bright morning sunshine, half blinded by the glare from the stone. “Ugh, need sunglasses.” He mumbled.
Once aboard, Gary flopped down on the foredeck among a pile of pillows and passed out for the day. Every once in a while someone would come forward and move him into the shade or roll him over, but they got no response beyond slow, heavy breathing.
When he woke, he was in the pool of his own grotto, on a familiar island, long after sundown. Beside him rose the colorful, high domed shell of Kai of the Waters, snapping turtle demigoddess of the local waterways and rivers gleaming in the moonlight.
‘Ahh, awake at last…’ She rumbled and gurgled in his mind. ‘I had a nice visit with my little Wilf while you were sleeping. He is feeling much better, now that your abomination is no longer keening for his soul.”
“Ouch!” He murmured weakly. “I was going through a rough patch, cut me some slack. Home on the island and all messed up again…” He mumbled to his turtle friend.
She nodded with glacial speed, agreeing eventually. “This place has been touched by Joy a number of times over the centuries… You left a good quantity of your own essence here as well, spilled into the silt and mud, passing through the tracts of those who dwell here. It will always call to you when you are in need of rest. I asked Wilf to bring you here to rest… for slightly selfish reasons.”
“That’s cool, he deserves a visit. I’ve been careless and they almost paid the price…” He muttered softly, leaning back against her.
“Yes… that is all well and good, but what troubles you still? Your abomination is contained, I cannot sense it at all. Your family awaits you inside, why linger here with an old turtle who is ready to sleep?” She blinked very slowly.
“I kinda don’t feel right… it’s personal, ya know?” He said softly.
“Yes… I’ve heard of this… your penis is troubling you.” She said confidently.
“No… not any more than usual, anyway. I wish it were just that.” He sighed slowly up to the moon, barely glimmering through the overcast sky with a helpless and confused look in his eyes.
“I’ve lost the One.”
“The One? I’m not sure I understand… but you’ll find it again. I once misplaced a very nice agate pebble for six centuries…” She paused for a very long time, as humans count things. “I wonder where I put that?”
“Thanks Kai. That helps a lot.” He said with a sad smile as he struggled to his feet. Rain began stippling the outside pool as he put on a robe and went inside. His left was still tender and a bit numb, but improving, mostly he felt wrung out, like an old rag.
Shai swooped him up as soon as he came in, tucking him in with a bowl of stew, half a loaf of Shai’s favorite crusty sourdough and a pot of goat cheese whipped with honey. She planted a chaste kiss on his forehead and bustled off to serve the guests.
Another trade boat had docked at nightfall, they were pleasantly surprised and would be significantly lighter in the purse when they shipped out the next morning. For tonight, the trade boat Winter’s End and her crew had no cares.
“We’re carrying cacao, bags and bags of the stuff!” Journeyman sailor George mumbled happily. “It’s for some secret candy cult I hear. Keep mum…”
The poor guy wasn’t even drinking, he was just happy to talk to someone new. Since he was spilling ‘trade secrets’ that were already public knowledge to Otho the dog, nobody bothered to call him on it.
Gary watched the ebb and flow of the people, mostly he watched Shai, swaying those hips and bringing soft music wherever she went. Watching her, feeling her subtle gifts moving all around he could feel the One, just out of reach, but close… maybe a bit closer than a few minutes ago.
Tomorrow it would be in reach… or the next day. He remembered those endless musicless hospital days and nights, time dragging by, one half heard gameshow, one commercial break after another. He’d lost the One then too… it had been a struggle to find it again, alone and broken, lost in grief and despair… this time it would be different.
Gary smiled as his mind wandered those dark memories now. He’d never own a Broyhill dinette set, at least not a real one. Making one for himself seemed self indulgent, while conjuring it would seem unsatisfying…
“Ohh, now I want Rice-a-Roni!” He grumbled happily.
#