Ch: 209 This Great Stage Of Fools
Barney finally slowed to a more sedate pace, making for Wheatford against the current was a pleasant and diverting pastime. Jaspreet and Grace were in the kitchen… galley, whipping up a late dinner on the move.
“We stayed out too late again, old man.” Julius grumbled at the absurdly fit and healthy looking geezer.
“Aye, there’s a slatherin’ more speed in Kingfisher… ifin…”
“No!” The nobles all sang as one. The old man deflated and complained about ‘toddling along like a grain barge’.
As full darkness came on, still miles from home, old Barney leaned back and navigated by moonlight, hanging out over the gunwales, just for fun. “Hey, something’s ahead!” He called, sounding oddly concerned.
A moment later he sighed. “Beat to quarters, we’ve pirates.” His call was still echoing across the wide river, as he pulled a short boarding ax from below his bench and grabbed a safety line. “Hold tight!”
Kingfisher swerved straight at one of the approaching lanterns, running at it with increasing speed. He jigged port at the last moment, giving his passengers a look at what they faced.
Six large trees had been chopped down and set floating down river with a lantern on the pointed end. In the branches of each tree, crouched a dozen small men, with bright red conical caps and wide smiles, displaying sharpened teeth.
Between the illuminated trees, a small flotilla of canoes made of hide and branches darted about, seeking to grab onto the boat and board.
Kingfisher ended the dreams of several would be gnomish pirates, with her sharp beak. The redcap’s black iron shoes took them down into the depths too quickly for them to even struggle, once their fragile cockleshells broke.
Duke Belen had a boat hook in hand and a hungry look in his eye… when he saw the attackers he showed a wolfish grin. “No mercy!” He shouted, leaping to the rail and swatting a gnome off a floating log with a single swing.
The ship lurched slightly as something entangled in the rigging. Leo looked up and saw Julius, dangling twenty feet up stringing a shortbow.
He batted another gnome into the water and shouted. “Where did you keep that, Jules?” Before he’d finished asking, the young duke’s tiny toy bow thrummed, skewering a redcap through the heart with a slender steel dart.
“Gift from a friend… he’s very crafty.” Julius shouted down, while picking off another bold gnome.
Down in the well deck things were not going… well. Duchess Jaspreet had a belaying pin in each hand and was laying about with gusto, but the little men were fearless. Celeste was blasting out sleep and stunning spells as quickly as she could, but her faith prohibited actual violence under any circumstance.
Glancing aft, her husband was sore pressed, struggling to keep them off the old man at the tiller and from swarming them from behind. Julius rained down his tiny, deadly shafts from the rigging reaping them like wheat, but there were dozens, perhaps more than a hundred. “Jaspreet, I’m going aft!” She shouted, dashing through the galley and leaping to the tiller. “Barney, switch!” As she passed the hatch belowdecks, she saw duchess Sheng bash one of the little beasties into sweet goodnight, with a small iron anchor.
Barney spotted Celeste’s move and the old sea dog leapt forward even as she was reaching for his tiller, swinging his short ax in a tight circle that left bloody ruin in his wake.
Duke Mubarak held the port side alone, wielding a cast iron skillet and a short length of heavy chain. “Sorry about your paintwork!” He shouted when a filthy little murderer dodged his chain. He repainted the scar on the boat’s gleaming flank with the wretch’s blood and brains.
He kept his momentum up the gunwale by dashing his chain across the eyes of one that peeked over a hatch cover. It screamed a hideously childlike wail, followed by the most obscene curses. The poor little fellow blindly stepped overboard a moment later, ending his troubles, as he vanished into the depths, following his sweet footwear down.
Abed was already gone, swatting one overboard from the rigging with the flat of his frying pan.
Celeste grimly clung to the tiller, while the others repelled the ghastly, bloodthirsty little turds. It seemed hours until the attack ended, even though it was only a few harrowing minutes.
Barney took back his tiller from the white knuckled healer and kissed her on the cheek. “Brave indeed!”
He called forward into the dark. “Leo, come aft, yer lady wife is back here.” He hugged her and mumbled quietly. “Poor sod was mad with worry when he lost sight of yer grace.”
Leo grabbed her up in a crushing hug, while peppering her with questions. “Are you hurt, did they cut you?”
“No, silly man, I’m well, was anyone hurt?” She looked around in concern. “Where’s duchess Sheng?”
They found Grace below decks. Three of the awful creatures were sprawled around her feet, battered to death with a light anchor. Another was hung on a wall of fishing tackle, skewered on a harpoon. Grace lay below that grisly trophy, clutching one of the creature’s short, jagged knives, buried in her abdomen.
Her face was ashen pale and her breath came in short gasps, punctuated by gouts of thick, red blood from between her fingers and the knife hilt.
“Healer!!!” Jaspreet screamed in horror.
#
Kingfisher didn’t ‘run aground’ or ‘beach’, she kissed the clay bank ever so gently… she was just moving pretty fast at the time.
Short, stocky Leo and lean Julius were up and over the rail in a single leap, dashing for the inn, past the small boat perched improbably atop the pier and the huge bloodstain on the front porch.
They didn’t notice the broken furniture and shattered instruments, or that the place was entirely vacant. The two dukes sprinted for the mystical mushroom grotto they knew was at the back, behind the foliage near the waterfall. When they deposited her grace, duchess Sheng in the swirling bed of plant matter among the glowing mushrooms and lilies, both men released a pair of desperate sighs.
Celeste appeared behind them a moment later. “She will recover… though the weapon was vile beyond all imagining… what kind of sick mind would forge such ignoble metals?”
“Whatever else is happening, that filth must be expunged from human lands. Abed, Julius, please wait here and watch over the ladies while I muster War’s legion and a suitable guard for you.” Leo seemed calm and courteous to his brother dukes, but his wife nodded firmly at him.
“Yes, in this case, violence is a fine answer. Go husband, I will tend to Grace… and the others.” They all had collected a number of cuts, scratches and even a few bites.
Abed had a bloodied shin from the pointed and hobnailed boot of one of the little monsters. Jaspreet only had a few scattered cuts and a bite on her calf, but the vile contamination of their weapons was concerning. Celeste dunked the others into the mysterious pool for good measure, leaving Jules on guard.
Julius was unscathed, physically anyway; he fretted and paced in a simmering rage outside the grotto, until Celeste dragged him inside by the ear and sat him down on a magical toadstool. She drew her short wand and cast a soothing spell; as soon as Grace’s warband came clattering up from the orphanage in a well disciplined frenzy.
#
“Gary, Shai…” Tony said firmly, once they were all seated. “This is lord Anatoli Verdis, he will be your assigned advocate during this proceeding. Do you understand?” He indicated the robed man, still wiggling the ears on his slippers with a childlike smile.
“I guess so… he’s our lawyer?” Gary shrugged.
“I don’t know that word, so… maybe, he will be guiding you through this criminal entanglement. He will also be representing captain Esperanza, though her matter is civil.” Tony smiled weakly, crinkling his scars and squinting his damaged eye nearly closed.
“We understand, Tony. Go on please.” Shai murmured tiredly.
“Very well. Our other companion is sir Klyburn, he will be your bodyguard for the duration.” Tony seemed nervous about that part, with good reason.
“Bodyguard… prison guard…” Gary snarled. “we’re under arrest?”
“No.” Tony answered unhappily. “But neither are you free to roam… in light of your… situation, the council came to this compromise.” He fidgeted awkwardly in his seat, struggling to find a situation that was less punishing on his…
“Gary, please stop messing with my chair… this is difficult enough already.” He sighed enormously, seeming to deflate a little.
“Sir Klyburn, my friends are odd and very difficult at times. Please be patient with them. Gary, Shai, Sir Klyburn and I squired together, he has my utter confidence.”
He turned to the scholar, when the silent man in red nodded.
“Lord Verdis, please explain the situation.” Tony sat back and steepled his fingers under his chin with a serious expression on his face.
“Ah, yes… Shortly after seventh bell, Lord Telemain Shaheen was pronounced dead by Adam Belen of the cult of Healer. The cause of death was beheading, with incidental blunt force trauma and ligature restraint. He was found beaten, tied to your front porch and decapitated with a single stroke.” The man spoke clearly and calmly, with a dispassionate interest evident in his voice.
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“Evidence at the scene suggests that you were both involved in beating lord Shaheen and binding him…”
“Evidence that I beat his fucking ass sideways, while Shai tried to stop me.” Gary growled. “That’s where it ended, with his busted ass tied to my porch.”
“Aye, he were battered bloody, but he were in nae danger an we left him bound.” Shai spoke clearly and calmly, but she was looking at the loft, where her sister and kids were sleeping.
“We have some theories… as yet unproven and many more questions than answers. The council of dukes is currently in session so this case will ultimately land there… It is an interesting matter.” He murmured happily.
“Glad to be entertaining, so what’s up with the red ranger over there?” Gary snapped. “More War cultists to rummage around in my house with stickyfingers?”
“I can assure you, the troopers that came to arrest Esperanza are honorable…” Tony sputtered.
“I hope whoever opened my cursed jar is enjoying the music.” Gary cut him off cryptically. “Tell all your friends that if they find a sealed black leather case… leave it sealed and come screaming for me.” He glared at the red armored man. “If they open that case, they might not live long enough to scream.”
“What have you unleashed Gary? Some demon?” Tony demanded.
“Worse.” Gary muttered. “It’s me.”
#
When a bell began to sound from the temple of War, Tony, the knight of War who had yet to speak and his lawyer all beat feet, after extracting a promise that they would not leave town. It wasn’t house arrest… but he still felt itchy and cranky about the whole thing. They flopped down into the plush sofa by the fire and sighed as one.
“What bell is that? It’s not the general alarm…” Gary asked, as it continued to ring in sets of three, three times and fell silent.
“Tis the summons of War’s legion, fer some expedition or summat. Tis the civil alarm an the bell here in Adventure we must answer.” She murmured unhappily, staring out at the temple of War in the near distance.
“I do deeply mislike that thing bein’ loose in the world, lad.” Shai muttered sadly, when the bell went silent. “Kin ye nae feel its location as wi so many others of yer craft?”
“Nope, I never could, I always hated every inch of the thing. More even than I loved making it, I hated it. I hated every hammerblow and every inscription.” He smiled sourly. “That’s why it’s cursed, that’s why I can’t unmake it, or find it.”
“What will we do? It kinnae be left out there…” She whispered.
“It needs a human agent to really live, The thief will be unacceptable as a minion… my curse saw to that.” He sighed again, feeling helpless. “It will come back for Wilford eventually… who knows how many people will die on the way.”
#
His steed ran on silent hooves of shadow through the night; desperately, he clung to his prize… his curse… his damnation. It burned at his essence, even through the enchanted and sealed case, tearing at and whispering in the shadows that made up Fleming, the greater dullahan.
Taking a human’s head should have been the highlight of his decade, instead he was forced into running errands and burgling obscenities against nature from mortal hovels.
Terrible as whatever might be in that case was… his master’s fury was a guaranteed bad time. With his shadows churning and roiling in revulsion, he clutched what he had been sent to retrieve… like a common thief. “At least there was that murder…” He muttered to himself. Dawn was coming, so he sought shelter in a cave above the river.
As the sun rose, he relished the end of his blessed night like he savored the end of that mortal’s life. Sweet, bitter and smelling of iron, he could almost hear music accompanying the sunrise… impossible, since he had no ears to hear with.
He mulled that thought… He had no eyes to see the sunrise, nor a head to think these thoughts… how odd to consider this now… Darling Hester, his shadow mount huffed and chuffed unhappily, while he lingered near the burning sun, thinking new thoughts for the first time in… thinking new thoughts for the first time.
“Since I stepped into that house…” He muttered to himself. “Or maybe since I crawled into that jar…” He tapped his toes to the beat, humming along without lips.
Hester was a tall black destrier, with mane, tail and fetlocks of streaming shadow and silver mist. She stamped and nuzzled her master, trying to break his mood, but he seemed lost, swaying to some unheard melody.
She whinnied unhappily, trapped between the obscenity stashed at the back of the cave and the burning sun outside. She snorted and took the last seconds of the coming dawn to dash down to the riverbank and hide in a sheltering cottagewillow’s shade.
“Fool horse… the music’s not that annoying…” He paused. “Music again?”
Sunrise ended the night, as surely as his blade had ended that mortal’s life, with a similar feeling of severance. Something cut, something new left in its place.
Music, upbeat and strange came from all around, with full dawn came the full quadraphonic surround sound experience.
When your heart is dancing,
Your mind is bouncing…
Bounce bounce bounce bounce…
He shook where his head should have been, a small cloud of darkness above his broad, muscular and armored shoulders. This wasn’t right, there were no musicians here, neither mortal nor spirit… or were there? Just like that, he saw her.
A tiny human female, in scandalously brief black shorts, a white shirt, black coat and a tall black hat. The ghost shook a very meager behind and gyrated her hips wildly at the confused headless horseman.
“Why are you haunting me, ghost? Begone.” He blew her away with a gust of his Will. An instant later, she stepped back out, still dancing poorly and grinning at him.
I’m a bad dancer!
A busy bouncer,
Never touch the ground…
Never make a sound…
He was trapped, stuck with this insane human ghost, that magical obscenity and the blazing sun slowly edging him back, farther into the shallow cave. Putting that blasphemy inside was not paying dividends.
As the sun’s light weakened his form, the filthy aura of that thing seared and burned his essence away as well. It was even more humiliating that the cursed human fetch was watching him perish, consumed in the wretched light of the sun, rather than be consumed by that horrible thing.
Yoko Ono watched the sunrise with a sublime smile on her face. That headless man was a terrible dancer worse even than she, but his horsie… She covered her lips and giggled girlishly as she faded back into the beyond.
Watching that nightmare step out from under the willow tree with her gleaming silver mane, tail and horn was enough for any single visit to the living realm. Really, who ever gets to see a unicorn born?
#
Gary jolted upright at the breakfast table a few minutes after dawn, smiling inanely. “Huh, it killed him?” The madman muttered softly.
“What’s that, lad?” Shai whispered.
“Whoever broke the seal on my jar and stole that club… they just died, without opening the case.” He hissed. “My curse just ended and I can tell, they died.”
“Ye said twas nae dangerous!” She sounded furious… Gary tried to think fast.
“I dunno, I cursed the seal so that the one who opened it would get haunted… not even scary haunted. Just… you know, my kind of haunt.” He hung his head. “I might have gone too far though. It felt like the victim chose to die rather than hang around.
#
Willow felt the sensation as the dullahan died, his mortal shade and fae being, finally untangling; allowing both to go free at last. As human ghost and immortal equine became separate entities again, the dark tint and trailing shadows drained away, leaving behind a gleaming spirit of nature, light and life…
#
Hester sighed longingly for her beloved rider and vowed silently to guard his grave and that wretched thing inside forevermore… as soon as she had a nibble of that meadow over there.
#
Gary woke up sore, feeling sick and cranky… generally unpleasant. He also had a bunch of nobles in his house by the river, lounging around in the grotto. He could feel the nasty sensation his burglar had left behind now that the sun was up.
“That shit has got to go.” He growled as he gathered the kids, Liam, Becky, Angie and the lot.
The whole family marched down to the house and sighed together as they saw the mess. Someone had hosed off most of the awful bloodstain, but a stain and stench of death remained, tugging at Gary’s senses uncomfortably.
As they trooped through the garden gate, Grace’s ‘Toy Soldiers’ came spilling out, chattering at their hosts and hugging anything that was available, especially a very confused Angie.
“Her grace is injured!?” Angie screamed in panic, when the confused gabble started making sense. She dashed for the grotto, showing a startling turn of speed, even with her unsure, limping gait.
Slowly and with many digressions, Orlando filled in some of the gaps, with help from a very tired and sore Jaspreet.
“... So dukes Belen and Mubarak have sailed on duke Mubarak’s ship, with a force from the temple of War to exterminate the filth, while we guard our lady and the duchesses.” Orlando gasped, completely winded by his explanation.
The kids were stuck waiting outside, by the bath with Liam and the other Bathers, while Becky, Shai and Gary went inside to assess the damage.
Grace’s team had obviously made an effort to tidy the shattered tools, toys and instruments strewn around the sales floor; someone had even propped up the pianoforte, by shoving a tea table under its broken leg. The kid’s room was a mess of thrown toys and clothes, all the beds had been turned over and slashed open, with stuffing scattered everywhere.
Satisfied that duchess Sheng was well, Angie reappeared from seeing her grace with a concerned, but relieved look on her face. She collected the kids and led them, with Tawny, through the baths to visit Grace in her watery sickbed in the grotto.
“Thanks for the cleanup help guys… we’ll handle it from here.” Gary and Becky shooed the warband off to the edge of the garden, by the road, while Shai cleared everyone out of the house, leaving only the grotto occupied.
They watched as the inn, sales floor and workshop slowly evaporated away, until only the grotto full of unsuspecting kids and nobles remained. A short while later, while Gary and Shai were still tuning up the kids came pouring out with Angie in tow.
“Celeste says we’re too rowdy!” Amy chirped happily, looking around the empty meadow. Only the tall, rough stone massif that the house always rested against and the rippling pond of the bathing pool were still present .
Together they built the house back as a family, sharing the song of its creation among themselves. Amy was the week’s MVP so she picked the song, crooning it in her sweet, delicious voice. ‘I Ain’t Got No Home’ was perfect, Woody Guthrie was perfect.
I ain't got no home, I'm just a-roamin' 'round,
Just a wandrin' worker, I go from town to town.
And the police make it hard wherever I may go,
And I ain't got no home in this world anymore.
My brothers and my sisters are stranded on this road,
A hot and dusty road that a million feet have trod;
Rich man took my home and drove me from my door
And I ain't got no home in this world anymore.
Greasy dark shadows poured out of the windows and doors as they formed. Whatever noxious vapors the murderer had left in his wake, slowly evaporated out of the nooks and crannies of his home. He felt Xyll the fruit bat come out of hiding, that was a relief.
He hadn’t noticed the murder burglar, until they were inside the house; nor noticed when Shaheen died, since he had been busy nearly killing the bodyguard captain of house Shariq at the time.
“I hope he’s ok…” Gary muttered, feeling a little guilty.
“Who’s ok?” Liam asked. “We’re still trying to figure out how many laws you broke yesterday. Help me out with the list!”
“Screw it, they were planning to sell my ass on the auction block when they thought I was just some wandering crazy. Now they know I’m a wandering crazy, they are definitely going to enslave me… legally, of course… if they can.”
“You sound mad… like everyone is out to get you.” Liam complained as they piled through the door and into the nearly empty shopfront.
“Where’s all the stuff? Where’s the piano?” Amy demanded.
“Broken, sweetie. It’s all broken, but I’ll fix it all, as soon as I can. A bad person broke in and did bad things in our house… That’s not an excuse for hurting those other people who took you… we did that for clean, honest ‘venge, ok honey?”
“Ok, as long as it was for ‘venge… they were bad people.” She frowned. “They had such a nice house too…”
“Not anymore.” Rio said with satisfaction. “I only messed up one room… Gary and Shai did the rest.”
“Lots of awful people have nice things, Amy… It’s one of the ways you can spot them.” Gary said firmly, hugging Rio close.
“You have nice things.” Wilf said, with his hanging judge face on.
“I do, but I made them and I share. The money I inherited, I gave away…” He hugged Wilf up beside Rio and stood up. “Money isn’t good for anything Wilf… nothing at all. You can’t eat it, drink it, it won’t keep the rain off or warm you at night. Stuff is good for… stuff, but having nicer stuff doesn't make you a nicer person sharing your stuff makes you a nicer person.”
“Gary, dinnae fill their wee heads wi yer tommyrot.” Shai warned him.
“Money is like magic, kids… you too Shai. It’s just like magic. It can linger in the world, building up and soaking in until it saturates everything. But until a motive spirit activates it… nothing happens.” He grinned madly. “Magic isn’t the goal, it’s fuel, or an ingredient or even a byproduct… but if money is the goal.. What are you even doing?”
“Enough of that kind of talk, Gary!” Ivy snapped, while Shai was considering his words. “Shai, wake up! Don’t be fooled, look at his money pouch! Just look at it!”
Shai held the poor deflated thing up for general ridicule, while Gary grinned like a fool. “Empty purse, full heart…” He said, trying to sound wise and inscrutable.
“Empty head, more like… Daft and foolish wi money…” Shai complained and griped… but she kept holding him close and grinning along with her fool.
#