Ch: 114 Puttin On The Ritz
Liam spent a good portion of the early afternoon with the gardeners, touring and debating concepts far beyond Gary’s ‘jam a plant or seed into his magic dirt… profit’ gardening technique.
He followed along, trying to keep up with the conversation, while tickling every new thing he came across. They headed home, leaving the palace to reorganize itself under a newly opinionated and unrestrained young lord.
“Gods, why is all of my furniture so bloody wretched? Someone! Fetch me a comfy chair!” Julius was strutting about with a wide grin, supervising the removal of a large number of preserved animal and monster corpses.
“Don’t you dare call me ‘your grace’ in my own home Phillip! Lord Rummel if you must, Julius if you will…”
#
Bedtime came early after a busy afternoon in the workshop, disassembling richly decorated clothing with a conjured knife, was exhausting… for Gary anyway, he was tapped out.
Gary and Shai took the next day off, leaving the kids with the Bathers and rebuffing their pleas to go along. “Nae, we simply go fishing kids. T’ would be boring fer thee, ye shall hae a fine time wi the family…”
They turned on the sad puppy eyes, set to maximum, until Gary scoffed at them. “Out in a muddy old swamp waiting for fish to bite will be so much fun… you can do your letters and numbers the whole day. Can’t make any noise when fishing so it will be all quiet time…” That settled the complaints.
#
The young couple were alone and bobbing at anchor in a peaceful inlet a few miles from anyone or anywhere, before second bell. Under a canvas top with the curtains rolled down, they made a comfy nest among the pillows and blankets. The secluded inlet must have possessed some unseen currents in its still seeming waters… Seahorse rocked and bobbed on her anchor line from time to time.
“Mmm… now we gotta try and catch some fish, or buy some at the dock.” Gary grumbled softly in his woman’s arms.
“Shush little spoon, tis my turn, an I’ll hae the snuggling of thee.” She murmured lost somewhere in his hair.
Around mid day they motored out into deeper waters for some actual fishing. Shai had two poles in the water, baited with fat earthworms summoned by her boy’s antics before they left shore.
Something big had nibbled a few times but so far she had only a few fat greenlings to show for it. The largest barely weighed in at three pounds, hardly a great catch.
Gary was doing better, with his odd lure and cable. At the end of a stout length of spidersilk, a shiny mother of pearl tablet with little dangling spangles of shell lurked in a loose nest of silvery strands.
When something tugged, he would tug back sharply, snubbing those loops and coils of drifting silk to the thick slab of pierced and inscribed shell. Chitinous, crawling nibblers soon found themselves dragged to the surface and their claws restrained with cords.
Crabs, spiny lobsters, a few enormous shrimp and a single thick tentacle with a sharp beak were scuttling around in his holding barrel. A mollusk of some kind, whose shell was a yard across, had ended his fun by simply engulfing his lure and refusing to release it.
Gary shucked his clothes and swam down in the chill waters, prying the thing loose with the murdershovel. A few quick knots and it was ready to be hauled aboard.
“I gotta look into water breathing… that would kick ass.” He chirped happily, while contemplating the terrible shellfish and toweling off.
“Fie, let me try one of yer fancy lures then, boy. I would hae a catch worth keeping ere we return.” Gary grinned happily and started digging in his tackle box of madness and whimsey.
He pulled a strange, brightly painted wooden fish from the box. It was tiny, barely four inches of bright, iridescent green, with each scale highlighted with exquisite detail. Wide, shining flukes and fins of death’s head locust wing waved idly in the breeze, making it appear to swim in the open air. Shiny steel treble hooks dangled from its underside, looking dangerously sharp. After that things got strange.
For some reason the boy would not explain, the fish had enormous tits, wide hips with a slit up the side, as though ‘she’ were wearing a shiny green dress.
‘Her’ eyes and humanoid facial features were very masculine and rabbitlike. The upper body above the low plunging neckline and bulbous bazoombas, was inexplicably gray and furry. Long, floppy rabbit ears and come hither eyes under dark, exaggerated lashes completed the bizarre thing. The thing was jointed in a few places on its body, allowing it to pivot and sway its ‘hips’ alarmingly.
“I dinnae like the looks of this, are ye making jest of me?” She demanded, eying its red wig and boobs.
“Ok, that is your hair… but that’s ‘cause I needed to make Bugs sexy… He’s enchanted to lure both hungry and horny fish.” She sighed in disappointment at the sight of the thing and dropped her line into the green, rippling wavelets.
Long minutes went by before even a slight tickle twitched her rod tip, then another, tugging more firmly. With a sudden lurch her pole bent steeply, as she wrestled with something large and powerful.
“Oh! I’ll need thee, boy!” She shouted, brawny arms straining mightily. “Be ready tae cut the line an something awful comes. Tis very strong!”
His terrible crossbow and its mount appeared, as did his spear, in the form of a wicked harpoon, trailing a length of cord. Shai tugged and strained at her prey, slowly reeling it in little by little.
Gary ran the motor in reverse and steered to keep the thing from fouling her line in the prop, drawing closer to shore as her thrashing captive became briefly visible in the murk.
Wide, bulging eyes over a terrible, four foot wide mouth filled with needle teeth dominated the hideous thing. Its slimy gray brown body was nondescript and flabby looking, with all of the menace and terror rooted firmly in the head zone.
“Ohh, crap, is that a monster?” He asked as it slipped from sight again.
“Mayhap tis just ugly. Ready lad, It comes up again…” She strained and hauled on the line, dragging it to the surface briefly. Gary thrust, scoring a solid hit with his barbed harpoon. He looped around a cleat once and snubbed his line firmly to restrain the beast.
Shai dropped her pole and leapt to the crossbow, launching the loaded bolt into the thing’s skull with a terrible crunch.
The horrid thing thrashed it’s last, a few moments later and the pair managed to tow the beast to shore. Gary held it steady, as Shai used her sword to cut the terrible, hideous and inedible head from the creature’s body. Ten feet of ghastly, slimy fish lay on the deck at last, leaving Gary completely coated with gunk.
Colossal monkfish, normal rank, beast, non intelligent, threat: moderate, edible, reagent, low magic.
“How about we head home love… I’m covered with snot.” He was doused with slime and gore, already beginning to reek as he fumbled for a stink ring.
“Nae! Cut that silly toy frae this beast, I would try wi it again!” She cried enthusiastically, Shai had only a few flecks of unpleasant, sticky stuff on her skirts…
#
They docked at home at fifth bell, loaded with hideous seafood and filthy beyond description. Gary had kelp in his hair, mud everywhere and no doubt smelled like low tide but for the stink ring. Shai was spattered with pinkish fish blood and a scattering of shiny, smelly scales.
Ivy and Tallum gleefully unloaded the cargo, while Liam and Dannyl hosed off the boat. Spraying magic bathwater over a magic boat through a conjured rubber hose was weird, but cleaned the gunk off like… magical wash water.
Khan had the trick of shucking the vast mollusk out of its shell. He jammed the murdershovel into the thing’s back end with a firm crunching noise.
He twisted and wiggled the handle of the garden tool until a quiet, ripping creak signaled the end of the battle.
Abyssal oyster, possessed shellfish, normal rank, monster, threat: low, toxic, reagent, crafting material.
A handful of gleaming pearls in iridescent rainbows of green and pink were tucked inside the huge slab of unwholesome looking flesh.
It took Gary a bit of work to cut the jiggly, snotty mess of inedible meat free and slice it up for freezing, labeled with a skull and bones.
“Weird… but pearls and that shell… that’s sweet!” The musician sang happily. “This is going to be sooo cool!”
#
Gary and Shai were still in the bath together and embarrassingly close, while quietly ignoring everyone else, when the kids came tumbling in from naptime.
“That needs to happen more often…” He murmured softly, during Amy’s renewed attempts to explain the intricate rules of ‘Horsie’ to the boring grownups.
“... if you really fall asleep, that’s extra points, unless you fall off, then you have to take a real nap in the penalty bed…” It was a lot to take in.
#
Phillip and his minions had been constantly in and out, arranging and asking advice from Tawny and Rolf on how to create an authentic ‘Commoners Ball’.
“Yes! Beer! That is what we need… at least a little, plenty of wine naturally… but a few guests may want to try the stuff.” Rolf offered with a shrug.
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Phillip shuddered, while Gerard, the former valet, now assistant administrator rolled his eyes in the corner.
“An excellent suggestion sir Rolf… where does one obtain beer?” He asked, as his eyes wandered over the kegs and bottles behind the bar.
A slim dark figure slipped between the nosey noble and the dangerous stuff. “Not here, we aren’t licensed to sell… whatever it is Tallum and Gary are brewing down there. The clay jugs stay locked away.” Becky shot Herlick a pointed look.
“In any case, since the local peerage is largely in town this time of year and rumors are flying as thick as marsh flies, the ‘event’ will occur tomorrow evening. I’m off to locate… beer.” He said with mild distaste.
#
Dinner was a quiet and mellow affair, Khan had a flair for fish cookery, grilled greenling and something tasty that was nearly miso soup was followed by broiled monster monkfish and rice. As ugly as the thing was, it tasted rich, sweet and buttery, like lobster with an extra dose of plump and juicy.
“I have a lot of work to do, down in the shop tomorrow, love. Gotta have some new toys for the gig… and a few surprises.” He pulled a pinch of fae dust and snoodled it up. “See you in the morning sweety.”
#
Shai woke among the kids, the boy was gone, replaced by a snuggly Esperanza, tangled up in the mix. Shai slipped away, leaving the cuddly merchant and Becky with the little ones.
Her boy was downstairs, in the shop working on… something and softly whispering an incantation, in a langage her gift failed to translate.
Palomar, shalomar, Swanee shore!
Let me dig that jive once more!
Boy (lay it right on down to the gator)!
Oh, boy (gotta lay it flat as a gator)!
Now, can't you hear those hep cats call? (Yeah!)
Come on, boys, let's have a ball…
Makes you dig your jive on the mellow side!
Hep hep!
Hep hep!
Makes you nine foot tall when you're four foot five!
Hep hep!
Hep hep!
He sang and whistled, while shifting his backside happily on a stool, while tiny twinkling sparks of blue and pearly light scattered from his workbench.
“Oh gods… what hae ye made now boy?” She demanded gently, draping herself over his shoulders to look. It was a simple, slender rod of bamboo, capped with a bronze at each end. Each knuckle of the yard long, slender, ridged wand was circled with tiny runes inlaid in gleaming blue mother of pearl.
“If we’re gonna play a fancy ballroom, we need to look the part, this is just a little bit of stage magic to help that along. I’ll be done in a minute, then I’m all yours…” He murmured happily under her roving hands while her breath tickled his ear.
“Dinnae overreach yerself fer trifles lad… nobles will work ye intae the dirt an ye let them.” Her soft, subversive whisper sent chills up his spine. “Many’s the crafter, been paupered by chasing noble custom and patronage, tis a known thing.”
“Jules let slip that I’m playing this gig for free huh?” He nuzzled her as his busy hands cleared away his tools, without sparing them a further glance.
“This is not a party love, it’s an emergency intervention. I’ll worry about getting paid when my neighbor’s house stops burning down. Let’s go upstairs and greet the dawn.”
When the rowdy, crowded house started stirring, breakfast was on the table. “Fuel up gang, take it easy today, get a good nap in, tonight, we play our biggest gig yet!” Gary enthused, while schlepping a tray of hot biscuits to the tables.
“Liam, how’s your project? Did that herb drying cantrip of Grandma Gina’s work?”
He shot a thumbs up into the air from his place, firmly attached to Tawny’s hip. “You will have all you need… Learning that little spell was worth the journey all by itself…”
He piled wallow bear bacon on his plate, while Tawny heaped scrambled giant swan eggs beside the crispy strips of monster. She nodded with approval when he tucked into the steaming mound of food.
“Liam is not allowed to exercise unless he makes Gary participate.” Tawny announced to the busy family, while her man blushed and hung his head.
“Gary, you have gotten a little flabby over the last few weeks of mana cultivation, Liam… some body fat is necessary for good health… I want an inch added to Liam’s backside and two inches off yours Gary…”
She nodded to Shai, who traded plates with him as though on some secret feminine signal.
Gary’s eggs and bacon vanished, replaced by a bowl of cut fruit over oat porridge and a single strip of bacon. “Aww… Ok, my pants are getting a little tight.” He admitted.
“Come on workout buddy, eat up and we’ll go for a run around town, see the sights, maybe find awesome new women…”
#
Resuming the morning family run felt good… it felt great! The little ones toddled along as best they could, then became workout aids for the bigger folks. Gary had Wilford on his shoulders, while Shai had Amy piggyback. Rio was way up high, laughing and clinging to Tallum’s ginger hair in glee as the whole troupe took a slow, steady trot around the town’s wards and gardens.
They waved to the orphans, out on their own morning constitutionals, in platoons sorted by age. More than a few autumn leaf badges were on display, among the other small pins distributed by Shai’s mad boy to the newly Contracted kids.
#
“I don’t really understand why you encourage them to display whom they have Contracted with, Gary… it violates long held cultural taboos to do so…” Tawny didn’t really ask a question, but he answered anyway.
“Secrets… Tawny, what you hide and reveal says a lot about who you are… Contracts are the difference between freedom and slavery.” His direct and unflinching gaze made her shift awkwardly in the bath.
“Contracts are the line that divides the powerless from each other and keeps the entrenched powers comfortably secure…” His grin appeared, crooked and mad with that wild light in his eyes.
“Like your cursed undies… that taboo kept you guys in torture shorts for generations, why? To keep the nobility distracted, cranky and incurious.” He kicked back to float, in utter relaxation.
“Suffering can stifle human potential, smothering it in its cradle. Hungry kids aren’t interested in learning, tired workers don’t innovate and footsore, genital battered nobles don’t wonder why they are constantly being pushed around.”
“How do you do that? Just ignore society’s rules so easily?” She asked softly. “Tradition and rules seem to slide off of you the way a duck sheds water.”
“It’s my rock and roll lifestyle babe… and we did the same shit to ourselves back home. ‘Never talk about how much you get paid, put up a brave front and soldier on’...” He sneered in an upper crusty tone.
“All those rules just exist to keep the comfortable ones comfortable. I’m here to be a stone in their shoes, a briar in their shorts. But not tonight, tonight we show them what life’s all about…”
“What exactly are you planning to unleash tonight?” Rolf asked softly, still lost in wonder at the private baths. “You rail against the comfortable, yet this is more luxurious than any bath I have ever seen or heard of…”
“Yeah… bathtime is pretty nice and my home is awesome.” He sighed happily, drifting closer to the blonde knight to whisper.
“Until I get sold into ‘indenture’ next year and become some rich guy’s slave… or more likely, get dragged to your capital and turned into a mindless husk in service to the unseen rulers of this place…”
“Five years service is hardly…” Rolf began, only to get cut off by a furious whisper that carried no farther than his ears.
“Becky and my kids are next in line if I fail… I’ll burn everything down before that happens. You want me to become an undead nightmare, stalking the land? You can have one if you demand it but it will happen on my terms.”
The pleasant and steamy baths turned chill for only an instant and only around Rolf.
A moment later he cheerfully called out into the steam. “Naptime for us, you’ll find your costumes for tonight in the changing room… see you at sixth bell!”
The strange little family bustled away in their fluffy robes and slippers, chattering excitedly about the big party.
#
Sure enough, strange costumes were hung on racks by the changing room.
Simple pants, an array of shirts with odd pointy collars and buttons down the front, were not too strange. There were the long coats with wide shoulders, cut away at the front, leaving a long, pointed swallowtail at the back. Unusual clothing to be sure, but very slick looking, with shiny silk lapels contrasting nicely against the linen or silk. A few scraps of bright embellished silk or a matching weskit with mother of pearl buttons finished each of the odd costumes.
Each hanger held a complete outfit, sorted, separated out and labeled for each bather.
Slim, slender Dannyl held his hanger up in confusion. “This can’t be right… Three of me would fit in this coat!” He complained.
It did look enormous, but when he shrugged the coat on… it fit, making the small man seem wide and almost two dimensional, distorting his silhouette in very strange ways that were somehow flattering and crisp, like a well folded origami swan.
“That’s just weird.” He muttered as he slowly put on the whole thing. Becky and Tawny were only puzzled for a moment over theirs… poor Liam needed explanations.
“Ohh yes, that is exactly right, stop fussing and practice your guitar or something… you look smashing.” Tawny pushed the young man down on a bench in the flower garden with more assurances.
“Tell him Ivy, he looks nice!” Tawny insisted.
“Mmm, yeah… he’ll do… Hey lover, see what he’s doing? Try looking like that sometime.” Ivy murmured happily. “Wait, never mind, keep doing that, big guy…” She growled softly when she caught sight of Tallum in his outfit.
“I was worried after the monkey costume last time, this feels pretty good.” He adjusted his suit of well fitted thin black stripes on white. Somehow it made the giant seem less wide, standing in a less threatening way from the small people’s perspective.
“Wow… you all look great! This is going to be so awesome! Nara has the kids for tonight, Herlick is in charge of the inn, shops are closed, Annie, Khan and Luna have everything under control…” The boy was bubbling with excitement… but not dressed for the show.
“Hey… bro, why aren’t you in costume?” Dannyl demanded, leaning against the double bass in the showroom feeling too cool for school.
“I’am in costume, I’m the sound tech and roadie tonight. Liam is fronting the band till intermission, then you guys all join the party or head home… I hope Shai and Becky will be up for some overtime, but I have the rest planned.” He nodded in his nondescript, workman’s clothing. “My part of tonight’s fun comes later.”
The mad musician herded his band of colorful characters onto Seahorse and set out in the afternoon sunshine, as sixth bell was still ringing.
“Where did all these strange clothes come from? There is no way you did all this last night…” Becky muttered happily, straightening her lapels.
“Yeah, I’ve been planning for something like this for a while. Finding the right gig was the hard part, but he was insistent…” Becky looked sharply at him, but he kept rambling on.
“You guys are all amazing… I’m nothing without you.” He mumbled happily as they motored up the duke’s private canal arm. They locked into the palace waterways and made fast to the private dock, where Phillip was waiting.
He eyed the group with a mixture of confusion, amusement and curiosity.
Colorful and sexy, Shai was in a brief jacket of deep sea green embroidered in gold and red roses, with her bells jingling softly above high waisted trousers. Her fitted top of white silk and gold ribbon held things just enough to jiggle pleasantly.
Tawny was resplendent in gold accented shining blue silk, a sensible outfit, but wildly unique in style. The jacket and pants of cerulean blue were so comfy, while the golden silk shirt was a soft caress.
Sweet Becky was bedecked in gold embroidered blue silk jacket and pants, clean cut and sharp. Her billowy white silk shirt and crown of ebon braids with marigolds woven through were too cute to ignore.
“I’m worried about Liam’s… going sleeveless spoils the look.” Gary complained to Tawny.
“Shut up lad, It dinna. Trust me, it dinnae spoil the look.” Shai assured him, with a lecherous smile. Liam just kept strumming a mundane acoustic and trying to ignore the stares.
#
The constant parade of rich nobs in shimmering silk trousers and gilt sandals was entertaining at first. They wore shirts in finest linen, embroidered in all the colors and patterns the local tailors and seamstresses could imagine.
Every detail was perfectly luxurious and overtly conspicuous. Wine flowed down noble gullets in remarkable quantities, as they pranced about in stately and refined dances.
Courtly dance seemed to be choreographed with the ritual undies and shitty wooden soled sandals in mind. It was all slow swaying, with much bowing and circling one’s partner.
Ginger Dreadnought was now in their second hour of playing slowed down folk muzak, while buzzed richies bumbled idly on the dance floor.
I kinnae take much more of this ‘ere I go mad…” Shai whispered intently on a break.
“Same here, Ivy looks half asleep.” Becky added, from her stool at the front of the band. “Why are we dumping so much magic into this lame music?”
“It’s time.” Gary said softly and urgently, still strumming softly from his place out of sight. “When we start back up, things are gonna start popping. Baobhan Sith, my sweet banshee teleblaster here, she’s just murder on restraint, compulsion and coercion spells. We’ve been priming them, gently easing them into my web of deceit.”
He smiled so happily, while still strumming away. “Her song fires up the listener’s Animus and aura, that corrodes any hostile curses or enchantments.”
He gave Becky and Shai a secret wink. “Your violin and harp have similar effects as well… It’s one of my favorites. It would really help me out if you kept playing with us.”
“Us? Bro, are doing something weird again?” Becky demanded.
“Calm Becky, Thirp do assure it be safe, Marduk hae the knowing of many things… but Thirp be wise as well. Let him play his games, we will be here when he falls.”
Shai’s firm and solid presence soothed her, as the shadows began twitching around the small stage. The two women took their stools while the rest of the band mingled among the fancy dressed nobles.
Gary slipped into a dark gray hooded robe, slung his teleblaster out of the way and stretched. He got limbered up and started distributing musical instruments in stands over the stage. His strange brass trumpet went bell down on a pole, at the front first, followed by his viola on a stand.
A huge double bass, somehow shimmered into existence beside a rack of flutes and a few guitars.
He pulled out a slim, yard long wand of pale ridged bamboo set with bronze caps. With reverence he delicately placed it on top of the piano in the corner and sat down on the bench.
Gary began banging a slow tempo on the bass side with his left, while tinkling its counterpoint all the way over on the other end.
Nobles all over the ballroom looked over in surprise and no shortage of distaste, for the new musical form assaulting their ears.
#