I wake up to Emily shaking me in bed. "Come on Aria, it's time for dinner," she says. I sit up groggily and rub the sleep from my eyes. I didn't realize just how tired I was. "What happened to your hand?!" she gasps, grabbing it. It's looking better now, the numerous punctures are mostly closing.
"I got attacked by a hobin," I explain dully.
"A hobin did this?"
"Yes." I'm tired, do I need to have this conversation again?
"Did you just let it attack you?"
"Yes."
"W-why?"
"It didn't seem dangerous, so I asked the big kid with me about it. He said to kill it, so I did, but it bit me first. I didn't realize that it might be poisonous. I won't let animals attack me anymore, ok?"
Emily blinks a few times. She looks hurt. I think I'm being dismissive.
"Sorry," I put up my hand, trying to shake myself more awake. "I'm sorry, Emily. I'm tired. And I already had this conversation with Jack and Mister Fredricson." Her face softens and she hugs me.
"Oh it's fine. If you already learned your lesson, then it's fine. Just don't go getting hurt, ok?"
"Ok." I agree automatically. I don't see much reason to avoid getting a little hurt besides avoiding a bit of pain, but if she wants me to, I'll try to be more careful.
"Now let's see your hand, have you treated it?" I think for a few moments. By treat, she probably means doing something to help it heal. Like the bandages the handlers and Marrianne used. Those are only for serious injuries though. This will be mostly healed by tomorrow, and back to normal the day after.
"No." I say simply. There's no need.
Emily seems confused, "Why not? It'll get infected if you just leave it like this."
"Uhh..." I don't understand. "What does 'infected' mean?" Why is Emily the only one to ask? Did the others assume I already knew about this?
"It's when an injury gets kind of... nasty looking. It gets red, starts bleeding again, or puss starts coming out, your flesh starts to rot, you get sick, and then you die." I reel back at the description.
"Wait, all of that, from something like this?" I hold up my hand, the little bites already healing.
"Of course! Infections are the most dangerous part of injuries! Haven't you been injured before? You were really tough when you first showed up, so I thought you'd been hurt a lot before, especially since you said you had such a bad past..."
I nod, "Yeah, I did get hurt a lot. Way worse than something like this. But nothing like this... infection ever happened, so I don't really understand," I just shrug.
"That's strange, what kind of injuries did you receive?" she asks with a concerned look. Judging by Jack's reaction earlier, people have completely different ideas about injuries than I do. Jack looked really scared... I don't want to scare Emily, but I don't want to lie or refuse to answer her either. I want to be as honest and open with her as possible. To maybe make up for lying to her, at least a little...
So I take a deep breath and explain, "Bruises, broken bones, and head trauma were the most common."
"T-the most common?" The blood drains from her face. "Broken bones? Head trauma?" she repeats. "Common?" There isn't much I can say, so I just hug her until she recovers from the shock. "Aria, those... those aren't normal injuries. Something like that should be fatal."
"I don't know how to explain it," I shake my head. The best I can come up with is maybe rail units don't get infections like people do. But I'm a broken rail unit. Do I not get infections even though I'm broken? Or was there some other reason, like something the handlers did? But all they did was wrap my injuries in bandages. They didn't seem to be special bandages at least. "I just don't know. All I can say is that my injuries haven't gotten infected before."
"W-well, it only takes once." Emily wipes the tears at the edges of her eyes and puts on a serious expression. "You never know until you get your first infection," she says sternly. "Let's treat your hand so that doesn't happen." Emily takes a close look at the injuries on my hand and arm, then goes over to her bed, pulling out a few things. Meanwhile, I consider the situation. It makes way more sense now. Of course everyone would have such strong reactions to this little injury if even something like this could be deadly.
Emily returns with a few things. Sholly, frenin, and a few other herbs I don't recognize, as well as a yellow skinned fruit. She places them in a bowl and crushes them all down into a powder with a little stone stick. Then she bites off a piece of the yellow fruit and spits it into the bowl, crushing it in with the herbs. It quickly turns into a sticky mush. "This ointment should help your wound heal. She spreads the ointment on one small bit of cloth, and one larger one.
She takes the small bandage first, bringing it up toward my hand. Seeing the bandage coming, I recoil reflexively, flinching back and drawing my arms in to protect them.
"Aria?" she looks even more concerned now.
"I'm sorry, it's a bad habit," I apologize and extend my arm again. Unfortunately this only makes her look even more worried still. I turn my head away so I'm not looking as she continues.
She presses the small cloth against the back of my hand where all of the bite wounds are. Surprisingly, the mush she spread on it is really sticky, and it sticks in place on my hand. She takes the larger one and wraps it around my forearm a few times so it covers the long scratches down the length of my forearm. I feel weird and tingly where the bandages touch, it's hard to describe. Kind of... tired, or something. I guess that's the healing stuff she put together. Or maybe just because it's all sticky on my skin.
"All done," she says, "you can look now."
"Thanks a lot, Emily," I look back at her, feeling guilty. She even used some of her herbs and things for me.
She's putting the bowl away under her bed as she replies. "You're welcome, as long as you promise to be more careful, ok?"
"Yeah, I'll be more careful," I promise.
"Come on, let's go, we're going to be late for dinner."
"Sure, let's go." I nod. She takes hold of my injured right hand and we begin making our way downstairs. As we walk, I feel like the bandages are kind of unpleasant somehow. Not itchy, but... I don't know. I put it from my mind though, as long as they help me heal. We arrive late to dinner like we thought, so we quickly get our food and take our seats at a table in the dining room.
"Huh, it tastes like tamarans today," Emily comments.
"I gathered a lot of them with Jack - he's the big kid I went with - so I guess they used some of them for dinner."
Emily nods, "Hmm, I can also taste the hobin. It actually makes it taste a little better..." she mutters.
I'm not sure what the difference is, so I take a bite myself. I can immediately tell as well. While it mostly tastes slightly sweet and salty, there is a noticeable savory flavor of meat in the stew tonight. Does that mean we hardly ever eat meat? We haven't since I've been here at least. I only ate meat twice at Marrianne's house, and that seemed to be on special occasions too, so I guess it's just not common.
"Emily, is eating meat uncommon?" I ask to confirm my thoughts.
"Yeah, it's really expensive because raising animals takes a lot of time and work, and it's hard to catch wild animals for food in the forest. If you go deep, there are a lot more to find, but everything in there is way too dangerous, so I don't think many people would do that." Leaving aside the scary animals from the deep forest, it wasn't very hard to catch the hobin, I wonder why? "So it's really amazing when we actually get to eat meat." Emily goes on, grinning a little. "Thanks a lot for that."
"You're welcome." I smile back. She likes it, so maybe I should catch some more? Wait, I would need a knife for that, or I wouldn't be able to drain the blood or cut it up properly and it would spoil, like Jack explained. So that option is out for now at least. But that brings up some of the things I've been wondering about recently.
"Hey Emily, I was wondering about selling things. I've heard it mentioned a few times, but I don't really understand it."
"Hmm? Like... what part of it?" She tilts her head, unsure what part I'm actually confused about, so I try to elaborate.
"You see, I've been collecting stuff, but I don't really have anything to do with any of it. Eventually the food I collected will just go bad anyway." She puts a hand to her chin and nods, "I know that you sell something by exchanging a thing for money, but I don't know what sorts of things I would be able to sell, or where I could sell them. Would I be able to sell the food I found?"
"Oh, if it's just that, you can sell it in the market. We all go there to sell stuff on Shanadays after church... That's right, you weren't there last time because you collapsed." I nod. "Oh, so that's why you didn't know about it. Sorry, I completely forgot to mention it."
"No no, it's fine. I didn't really know to ask, I've just been wondering what to do with all the stuff piling up under my bed is all."
"I see..." Emily nods a few times.
"Anyway, I had another question, is that alright?"
"Sure, what is it?" I think back to the things I wondered about earlier, but left for later.
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"What does 'nutritious' mean?" Jack used it to describe the tamarans we were gathering, so it must be something about them, but he didn't give any context for what it actually meant about the fruit.
"Nutritious?" She looks a bit confused by the question. "It means if a food is good for you or not."
"Food... can be good for you? In what way? I know you need to eat it or you get hungry and tired, is that it?"
Emily shakes her head. "No. You get energy from food, but nutrition has to do with whether the food makes you healthy or not. Since you're so small, you should try to eat as much nutritious food as you can so you can get bigger." I suddenly feel a dark pit forming in my stomach.
"So you eat nutritious food to get bigger?" I shouldn't be asking about this.
"Without enough good food, you won't grow," she explains. The feeling expands.
"Is... bread nutritious?" I ask.
"No." My hands clench. "Some of the breads with other things added in aren't quite as bad, but there's basically no nutrition in bread, it's just for energy. You definitely won't grow just from eating just bread," she giggles a little. But then she raises and eyebrow, "Why bread in particular?"
That's why I'm so small? They only fed us bread and water, so that's why I didn't grow right?! That's why I have the body of a five year old?!
I can feel angry tears starting to form in my eyes. "No particular reason, never mind," I shake my head and try to smile. I push the feelings down.
Emily furrows her brows. She can see my tears. "It has to do with your past, doesn't it?" I shake my head. I can't think about this right now. The sadness, pain, and rage boiling inside are scary. I push them down again. She speaks gently. "Why else would you look like that?" I can feel the tears stinging in my eyes, I keep trying to push the scary swell of emotions down so they don't overflow. I've never felt like this before, I don't know what do do with these feelings. What will happen if I let them out.
"I don't really want to think about it," I say shakily. My hands tremble as I take a few big bites of my food. I try to focus on the flavor. Keep my mind off of it. Don't think about it.
Emily's hand grabs my shoulder and I look over at her. There are suddenly tears shining in her eyes. "Can't you tell me anything? Even a little?" she pleads in a quiet voice. I'm hurting her. My heart thumps painfully and I press a hand to my chest. Something in me snaps. I can't hold back anymore.
"Please excuse me," I breathe the words out. Before I lose control, I walk quickly out of the dining room.
"Aria!" Emily calls after me quietly. As soon as I leave the room, I start moving faster. I can feel the last of my control breaking down, I don't want anyone to see this. My emotions are going crazy, I don't know what I'm about to do. Within moments, I'm running out the front door of the orphanage.
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I circle into an alley next to the building as my vision goes hazy. I press my hands against the wall.
"Aaaaaahhhh!" I scream at the top of my lungs with burning tears streaming from my eyes. I lean my head into the wall, clutching my chest with both hands. These feelings are going to tear me apart. More than just the sadness and pain I'm used to, the hot, boiling rage is unlike anything I've felt before. Those people. They didn't just have me beaten every day. They only fed me bread so I would never even grow properly in the first place.
"Bread!" I scream. That horrible bread that I couldn't even bite through. I hated it so much. Every day, for every meal. How could they do something like that? Even if we're not people, they weren't even letting us grow right! I pound my fists into the wall, but I can't get rid of this feeling. I sink to my knees. The fire burning in me just won't let up at all. No matter how much I cry, the hate won't disappear. I feel like I did on that day. When I completely broke down. I grind my teeth together.
In my screaming mind, I desperately search for a way out. I can hardly think over the pain and rage. Last time, I turned all those terrible feelings into determination to wash myself. I did everything I could to make myself happy again. Even as I beat my fists into the wall, I think. What makes me happy now?
"Aria?" I can barely make out Emily walking toward me through my angry tears. I move forward, shaking uncontrollably. Seeing something to hit makes my anger burn hotter. "Aria, what's wrong?" She takes an uncertain step back. Emily is my friend, being with her makes me happy. I don't want to hurt her. But the screaming just says she is a target. Something I can release this anger onto. I can't stop myself at all.
I lunge at her, tackling Emily to the ground. She looks shocked, but I just start swinging my fists down at her. She raises her arms to protect herself. "Aria?!" She's scared. I keep beating on her arms, my tears falling one after another onto her face below. I don't want to hurt Emily! What am I doing?!
Emily starts crying as I keep hitting her, until she pushes me off. She scrambles back to get some distance, holding her arms to herself. As soon as she's out of reach, I use what little control I have to tear my eyes away from her so I don't attack her again. I clutch my arms around myself releasing a pained cry like some sort of animal. Now on top of the burning rage, I feel guilty about attacking Emily. I throw myself against the wall of the building, punching into it over and over as I scream.
"Aria, stop it!" Emily shouts, grabbing me from behind. "What's wrong with you?" The question tweaks something in my brain, and I start screaming.
"I'm broken! They knew the whole time! Every day! Just bread! Every single day, they knew! It's all their fault! They knew what they were doing to us! But it was just bread!" I don't know what parts I'm screaming about anymore. Probably all of it. I can't think straight at all.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Emily cries. I just clutch against the walls with my hands like I'm trying to dig through the wooden boards.
"What's that racket?" Mister Fredricson's voice comes from the side. "You again? What's going on here?" I just grit my teeth and press my head into the wall as hard as I can.
"I don't know, something's wrong with Aria. She ran outside and started screaming about bread!"
"Bread? What nonsense is this?" he growls. Another wave of rage sends me into another fit of screaming and beating at the wall in front of me. But it feels a little cooler. The fire in me is starting to ease just a little.
"What happened?" he demands.
"We were just eating dinner. She asked if bread is nutritious. I said it wasn't, and then this happened."
"What...?" he responds. It feels like the heat is dying out. Chilling sadness and guilt are moving in to replace it. The strength finally goes out of my body and I slump against the building with Emily holding me up from behind.
My cries of anger finally turn to sadness. "Waaahhh!" I wail uncontrollably.
"Get her inside, she's bothering the neighbors," Mister Fredricson commands.
Emily drags me inside with her while I bawl my eyes out. Before I know it, we're in Mister Fredricson's office. I slide to the floor, crying and grasping onto Emily's leg with trembling hands while they talk.
"Do you know what's wrong with her?" he asks.
"Not really, I think it has to do with something from her past though. I don't know the details, but she's been through a lot of terrible things. I must have reminded her about something. She's never done this before, so it must be something really bad."
"She's seven, how bad could it be?" he snorts.
"I don't know, she won't ever talk about it..."
"Whatever, get her out of here, she's crying on my floor."
"Yes, Mister Fredricson."
I'm being dragged. I can barely breathe through my sobs, the guilt is so crushing I can't think. I'm lifted onto a hard surface. I curl into a ball, tightening my arms around myself as hard as I can. Where there was uncontrollable anger before, now I'm just left with sadness that won't go away no matter how much I cry. Curling up inside myself, I'm deaf to the outside world as I cry and cry and cry, until I can't cry anymore.
My head is swimming. It seems that the sadness and guilt finally quieted down due to pure fatigue. I lift my head slowly, I can barely move. Sunlight is coming in through the window. It's daytime? I barely manage to roll off of my bed onto the floor. I can't lift myself. I'm so exhausted from crying. And my stomach aches with hunger. From where I'm lying on the floor, I take some of the nuts lying under my bed and eat them. They taste good.
Just tasting good food brings back the memories of last night, and I start crying again. But I'm so tired, and so thirsty, it seems I'm out of tears. My body is wracked with painful, tearless sobs. The guilt feels like it's going to crush me into nothing. I attacked Emily. My only friend, I hit her. I hurt her. I'm so broken, I attacked one of the people I'm supposed to protect! But not just someone I'm supposed to protect, someone I want to protect! Every time I get close to someone, all I do is hurt them! Why do I keep doing this to the people I love?
Unable to stop myself, I just keep sobbing. I writhe quietly on the floor until a voice calls out to me.
"A-Aria? You're... still crying?" I'm so exhausted I can't see clearly anymore. Who is that? It feels like my consciousness is fading. I'm too tired, everything fades away.
.
.
.
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I'm standing before the rail units. They point and laugh. "Shut up!" I scream. They beat me from all sides, there's nothing I can do to stop them. "It's all your fault!" I leap at the handler, my hands wrapping around their throat. I squeeze harder and harder. But I'm squeezing Emily's neck. "I'm sorry, I don't want this!" I cry. Blows fall all over my battered body, and I keep gripping tighter. Marrianne is crying. I can't stop myself. I hate this. I hate doing this. In my hands, I feel a pop.
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"Eeeeeek!" I shriek, still staring at my hands. Everyone else bolts up in bed. I see Emily, I can still feel her throat. My stomach turns. I clap my hands over my mouth and dash out of the room. I don't know where I'm going, banging into the wall as I run, and I barely make it to the chamber pot before I wretch up everything in my stomach.
Sitting on the floor, drenched in sweat, panting, sick, and shaking in fear, I start to sob again. "Aria!" I turn to see Emily. She comes right up to me, and I jerk back, scrambling away.
"No, I'm sorry. I didn't want to!" I ramble. She looks confused, but moves toward me again. "Don't touch me!" I press myself back against the wall, wrapping my arms around myself.
"Wha..."
I clamp my eyes shut tight. "No, I don't want to! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." I just keep repeating myself, curling up smaller. "I don't want to hurt you."
"Like you could hurt me!" Emily says angrily. Then she wraps her arms around me.
My body freezes in her arms. "No, no no no no no!" I ramble, tears streaming down my face. Her hug feels so comforting, it makes me sick to my stomach. My heart is beating out of my chest. The guilt is suffocating, I can't take a clear breath.
"Aria?" Emily shrinks away, releasing me.
"What I did!" Her lifeless eyes flash in my vision. "I'm terrible. You should hate me!"
Wide eyed, I look up at her. "I hate me!" My heart breaks when I finally say it.
Emily slaps me across the face, the sound echoing down the dark hall. I'm so surprised the tears stop. "There, now we've both hurt each other, so we're even!" she demands. "But I still want us to be friends!" Once more, she hugs me tightly.
"No, I'm bad!" I struggle in her grasp, pushing at her, but she won't budge. "I'm selfish and violent! I hurt you! You shouldn't be my friend, I don't deserve it!"
"I want to be your friend anyway!" The more I push her away, the tighter she holds on. "Don't you want to be mine?"
"I'll just hurt you more when I leave," I sob. I've known the whole time. When I go into combat, I won't come back. Getting close to her was just me being selfish. "You were right! We shouldn't have gotten close, it'll just hurt more later!"
She shakes her head back and forth defiantly. "I don't care!" It seems that my fruitless struggles have used up what little energy I had from sleeping a little. Even as I try to argue and push her away, I can feel my eyelids drooping closed.
"I'm sorry..." I mutter, just before falling asleep again. The nightmares come immediately. I grip onto the warmth at my side, shaking and hiding away from the horrible visions. Not only do I see terrible things happening to me, but to the people I care about, and it's all my fault. It's always been my fault, because I'm broken. I cower and bury my head in the little comfort I have, shaking and clinging uncontrollably. I'm drowning, barely holding on at all. I'm hiding, shutting it all away. I close my eyes to the pain and just hold on and cry.