As happy as I felt falling asleep, it's only so long until my nightmares return. Even the newly born babies destined to turn into horrible killing monsters, and the putrid stench of the rail units I'd never been able to smell before begin to mix into the nightmare visions. "Eeeeek!" I shriek as I bolt up in bed. Moments later, a sleepy-eyed Marrianne stumbles into the room. I put my hand to my mouth, startled by my own screams. "That's right, now that I can speak, I can scream," I realize dully. This could be a problem...
After I wake up screaming a second time, Marrianne climbs into bed with me again. "So we can both get some sleep," she says. Waking up screaming constantly every night is going to be a real problem once I'm living in the orphanage, but I don't know what I should do about it.
Once Marrianne is with me again, I barely manage to stifle my cries and sleep through the rest of the night. My nightmares that felt like they were getting a little better, seem somewhat worse tonight. Probably because I'm worried about tomorrow...
When we wake the next day, I start to get nervous even more nervous. Marrianne makes breakfast while I sit up in bed. The day is finally here. Despite making my plans and securing a living space yesterday, I somehow still don't feel prepared to actually tell Marrianne.
Who am I kidding? There is no way to be ready for this. But I have to do it anyway. Even though I know it will hurt her. She wants to adopt me. To take me in as her own child. Leaving now will undoubtedly be terrible. But it's nothing compared to the pain I'd cause when she finds out what I really am. So I need to draw up all of my courage and tell her. It's my own fault for staying here, for getting attached, for letting her get attached to me.
So now I need to hurt her, to avoid hurting her so much worse later. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The words just keep repeating in my head. After everything she's done for me, all I can do is hurt her. To avoid hurting her even more.
I say it to myself again: anything, as long as it's for her. No matter what happens to me. Even if I need to go to an orphanage where the beds are hard, or the food is bad, or Mister Fredricson yells at me, I'll do it so I won't hurt Marrianne. Even though I won't be able to see her anymore.
We all sit and eat breakfast. It's unusually quiet. I can tell at a glance, Francis knows today is the day. I'm so nervous, dread rising in the back of my throat, it's hard to focus on the food. Even though it's the last time I'll be eating here like this. Marrianne is picking up on the strange tension too.
We finish up eating quickly. Francis kisses Marrianne and heads out the door like usual. She quickly cleans up, rinsing the dishes with a bucket of water in the kitchen. I stand, heart beating out of my chest.
"Marrianne." I call her name and she turns to look back to me over her shoulder.
"Yes honey?" she doesn't show it, but her voice wavers just a little.
I swallow the lump in my throat, struggling to keep saying the words I need to say. "I... need to tell you something." She stops washing dishes and turns around. Unable to force the words out right away, I grit my teeth. "Thank you for everything you've done for me." Her face lights up with surprise and relief. No, don't feel relieved, I haven't finished! I cry out silently.
"I've never been so happy before. I'm so glad you took me in. There's no way I can ever repay you for how nice you've been, or how much you've done for me." I squeeze my eyes shut.
"Sweetie, it's alright. There's nothing to pay back. I do this because I want to," she kneels down, hugging me as I fight to get to the words I have to say. I hug her back, squeezing tightly as I try to bring out all of my willpower. More tears squeeze out of my eyes. I'm trembling as I finally force the words out.
"I can't stay." I feel her go stiff.
"What?"
"I'm so sorry, I can't stay here."
She holds me at arms length to look at me. "What are you talking about, of course you can! You can stay as long as you like!" She almost looks frantic, tears just beginning to form. It takes me a few tries to keep speaking.
"I'm sorry. I really want to stay, but I can't. I have to go."
"If you want to stay, why would you leave?" She searches my eyes for answers. I look down briefly. Of course I can't tell her. But what can I possibly say? As it always is with Marrianne, honesty is best.
"I can't tell you." I say. And I give her a smile. The same smile as that night, wordlessly explaining that I'm doing it for her. I don't want to, and it will only hurt me, but I'll do it for her. She wraps me in another tight, warm hug. Her whole body seems to be shuddering, but then her trembling stops.
Marrianne releases me and stands up. Despite the shine of tears in her eyes, she puts on a confident face. "Ok. If you have to go, then go. Just know that no matter what, you're always welcome back. My door will always be open for you." Responding to her will, I put on a confident face as well and nod. Even if I can't come back, just knowing that she would take me helps ease some of the pain piercing my heart.
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
"Thank you for everything. Really, for every single thing you've done for me. I don't have anything, so I got you this." I take out the small tied up bit of my hair and hand it to Marrianne. "I'm sorry, it's all I have to give."
"Thank you, it's more than enough," she responds, smiling at the tiny white hairs. It almost looks like she's going to start crying, but she closes her eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them again.
"Now, if you're going, I won't send you unprepared." She hurries into the other room, returning moments later with a small woven basket. It's tiny to her, but a good size for me to carry in my arms. She throws one set of clothing on top. Even though the clothes are far larger than the basket, they fit decently when they're folded up. I stand in shock. Even when I'm leaving, she's still going to give me things? A few more tears escape, but I still try to keep myself together.
She drops the basket with the clothes into my hands, then puts my robe on top of her clothes. She adds a water flask as well. "Thank you. Thank you so much," I mumble, hugging Marrianne again. We stand, embracing for a little while, before splitting apart once more. Then she leans down, holding my face, and kisses me lightly on the forehead.
She speaks in a quiet voice. "A charm for good luck, I learned it from my mother..." Then she stands. "Come on now, Wunay. Get going." She urges me on gently. I give her one last nod before walking out the door.
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I'm greeted by the warm morning air and bright sunshine from clear blue skies. With the quiet morning sounds buzzing in the distance, I take my first step. I'm moving. I'm giving up the only place that has ever been safe and warm, and moving elsewhere. I might never see Marrianne again. With those thoughts finally crashing down on me, my forced composure crumbles. The tears come immediately and I start running. I barely make it around the block before I run into someone.
Falling back onto my butt, I look up to find Francis. He's still here? He helps me up and gathers the contents of my basket together again. "So you did it?" he asks. I sniffle and nod. He sighs. "Oh come on," he pulls me over to him. Without a second thought, I grab onto his leg and let out everything I kept bottled up when talking to Marrianne. The tears flood out as I start crying. Just like the small children I've seen, I can't stop myself at all, and just bawl my eyes out while clutching at his pant leg. Even as I cry, it feels like my heart is being dug out of my chest.
I don't know how long I go on for. I wail without restraint until somehow, it doesn't feel quite as bad anymore. My heart still aches, but doesn't feel like it's going to break now.
Francis ruffles my hair and I look up at him. "Hey. It doesn't matter if you're a rail unit, you're still the strongest, brightest, nicest kid I've ever met. You'll do great out there." Then he grins. "Looks like Marrianne gave you some going away presents... I think I have something to give you too."
"Huh?" Even Francis is going to give me something?
"You're going to be living with people now, so you're going to need a real name. I can write a little, so I'll give you one." He leans down, using a finger to scratch some marks into the dirt at the side of the road. I recognize the number one on the middle of the unknown markings. They must stand for something.
"AR1A," he says. "People don't have numbers in their names, so let's just..." he rubs away part of the one so it just looks like a line drawn in the dirt. "If we change it just a bit we get Arla... No." Why not? "How about this?" he mutters as he wipes away another part of the mark to separate it into two pieces. "Aria. That sounds like a nice, cute name for you," he grins.
"Aria?" I can't really understand how he did it, but somehow, he changed AR1A into a name. "Aria..." I say to myself quietly. I can call myself that? "I can... have a real name?"
"The way I see it, you were originally born a person. Since you broke as a rail unit, you're not really all that different from a person, you know?" Not that different from a person?
"Even though I'm a rail unit?" I ask. I never thought of that before. People were always people, and I was not. People were always important. Things like me weren't. "I can be like a person?"
He chuckles. "Just look at you, you already are."
I grin back, hugging his leg. "Thank you for everything, Francis."
"You're completely welcome. Even if it wasn't for long, thanks for making Marrianne so happy. I hope when we have a child, she's just like you." I wipe away my tears and give Francis a smile.
"That's a good girl. Now get going." He pushes me from the back, and I begin to walk forward. I glance back briefly. Francis is heading back toward his house instead of work. Even as I'm about to make my way to the orphanage to start my new life, that strikes me as odd. I stop and walk back a little. Then I hear Marrianne's voice, wailing and sobbing just like I was earlier.
"Oh," I mutter. She was putting on a brave face just like me. And just like me, she can cry all she needs with Francis there.
"Thanks for everything Marrianne. Thanks for everything Francis." My heart still aches, and I don't know how hard the path ahead will be, but I still try to smile as I turn back toward the orphanage once more.
They gave me more than I could ever repay. I'll try to live as well as I can in the time I have left. Having spent twenty days with them since leaving the AR program, there are only about forty days remaining before we are expected to go into battle. Surviving against our enemies is hopeless. So I have to make sure to live to the best of my ability until then. As much as I want to survive, expecting to die does make it hard to plan for anything beyond a month and a half from now...
So at least for now, I'm going to move into the orphanage and try to learn how to live among people. And I'm not entirely unprepared. Everything Marrianne taught me about cooking and eating food, how to sew, how to gather in the forest, and wash clothes. And Francis, telling me about where I came from, about parents and children and the importance of families. They even gave me my very first possessions to get started. I have my robe, two sets of Marrianne's clothing, a basket, and a water flask. And a name. My own name.
Even though I've left a lot behind, I'm starting to get a little excited for what lies ahead. I'll need to hurry on my way. I need to drop off my stuff - my own stuff! - in my room before I do... whatever it is that I'm supposed to do once I'm living there.
I wipe away my tears and set off for my new home.
End of Book One.