"You did what?!"
"I got in a shouting match with Reena..." I say it again, my head sitting on her shoulder as she carries me. All I could do after that disaster was curl into a ball on the ground, until Emily picked me up to carry me home.
After I recovered and wasn't too angry to think, I realized that it wasn't Reena's fault, at least not completely. Of course she would yell at me, saying horrible things like that to her...
Now we're going through the central district, speaking quietly so the other people walking around town don't overhear us. "She wasn't being fair, and I got angry and started saying mean things to her for no good reason," I groan. "I've never gotten so angry when talking to someone before. I just started saying things to hurt her... I don't even know why..." I cry. "Why would I do that? She's helped me so much and now she hates me..."
"I-it was just one angry argument, right? It shouldn't be that bad?" Emily tries cheering me up.
"She called me burning garbage and slapped me..."
"Ahhhh...." A pained moan is her only response. "That's... really bad..."
"She's not going to help me at all before the next battle, I'm completely on my own..." I mumble.
"What did you even get in a fight over?" Emily asks.
"I didn't interpret the vision she gave me right. She said it was a warning for me not to go to the battle in the first place, but that was never an option for me! No matter how much I told her I had to, she just kept telling me I should have ignored my duty! How could she say that?"
"Well..."
"Oh come on, Emily," I whine, starting to get angry again. "You don't get it because you're human. I thought Reena at least would understand! She kept saying I was stupid for going and that's why I got really mad." Maybe I could talk to Effy about it. She would understand, right? Chisa's spots her from above from time to time...
"You already know how I feel about you going," Emily huffs at me, and I grit my teeth, cheeks starting to flush with anger. "I don't want to argue... not when you're already this depressed," Emily sighs. "But Reena has a point. Everything you've told me, it sounds like they basically tortured you every day. So no, I can't see how you owe them anything after all of that."
My teeth clench and I squeeze my eyes shut. Why would Emily agree with her?! I'm about to start shouting when she shakes her head, her brown hair whipping into my eyes a little and forcing me to blink. "Not arguing, not arguing" she growls to herself, and drops the topic. "So, what now? Is there anything you want to do today? Are you studying, or...?" She forces the question out, but her tone is still angry.
"I don't want to do anything today," I pout, still angry too. I wanted to have fun together yesterday, but I completely ruined it with my awful studies. Today I wanted to hang out and have fun, but Emily's being mean and I'm mad at her. If she wasn't carrying me...
"That's understandable..." She grunts. Following her quiet reply, she continues carrying me for a while longer. It's giving me even more of a feeling like I'm a helpless little kid, having her carry me around, but I feel too terrible and angry that I don't even want to talk.
So I just bury my face in the back of Emily's neck and let her carry me home. When we get there, she ends up putting me in bed for a nap, saying she hopes I feel better after getting some rest. I grumble, but do as she says, curling up under her blanket to sleep.
----------------------------------------
When I wake up to Emily's gentle hands, shaking me and telling me lunch is here, I slowly sit up, surprised to find that I do actually feel a little better.
"Thanks Emily," I say, looking down. Now I feel bad for being mad at her earlier... Actually, thinking back on it now, remembering what I did, how I acted... It's incredibly embarrassing. I had her carry me all the way home and put me to bed?! What am I, four?! I sink back under the blanket, my face on fire with guilt and shame.
"Thanks for what Wait, come on Aria, I can't feed you like that," Emily complains, pulling on the blanket a little as I curl up underneath.
"F-feed me?!" I squeak, shooting up out from under the blanket in shock. My thoughts go back to Marrianne feeding me like a baby when I burned my hands and couldn't feed myself.
Emily just sighs loudly. "You're hopeless when you get depressed like this you know." It sounds like a reprimand, but she grins as she says it, turning the statement into a joke. That just makes me pout a little more.
But something about the look in her eyes stops me. "Hey Emily," I say quietly to get her attention.
"Yeah?" she blinks at my sudden change of tone, stopping halfway through scooping into the bowl of food in her hands.
"You really do like treating me like a little sister, don't you?"
"W-well..." She starts to look coy about it, but then admits, "Yeah, I already told you so, remember?" I give a small nod. She did say she was using me as a replacement for her little sister. I guess I never quite thought it through completely. How much she enjoys doing things for me, as if I am her little sister. "I know it bothers you, but..." she gives a vague shrug. "Sorry. It's just really hard not to when you get all pouty and actually act like a little kid."
"That's... understandable..." I grudgingly admit, thinking about how I've been acting. Wait... Now that I'm actually thinking about it, even if it bothers me, Emily really enjoys it. That means I should let her so she'll be happy, right? I do still feel guilty for getting mad at her earlier.
Once I realize that, I shift forward in bed, opening my mouth so Emily, already halfway through the motion, can feed me like she wanted. She giggles a little, feeds me a spoonful of the food, then passes me the bowl. Even if being fed like a baby makes me feel small and weak, her smiling face is more important than me. I smile back as I eat my bowl of food, and actually start to feel better.
"Alright, once you're done, let's get you cleaned up."
"Huh?" I blink.
"Did you forget what Miss Claire said earlier? We need to wash your clothes and our room."
"O-oh, right!" After everything that happened, I completely forgot about that. I quickly finish up eating so we can clean. We go downstairs, into the storeroom, but one of the other kids stops us, asking what we're doing. "We have to clean our room," I explain. He glares at us suspiciously, but Emily steps forward and holds up the broom to show him until he finally backs off. "Thanks," I say. I never know how to deal with those kids who ask questions like that...
"No problem," she grins while petting me a little. We quickly gather up the other supplies we need, then head back upstairs.
When we get back, Helen and Mary are there, sitting on their beds and sewing. They give small waves. Both have a look like they're questioning what we're doing. As we set everything down on the edge of our beds, both Emily and me turn to look at each other's stuff.
Then we ask at the exact same time, "What are those for?" We both grin a little, before Helen starts laughing, and the rest of us follow a moment later.
"No really, what is that for exactly?" Emily asks when she can control herself again.
Still giggling a little myself, I pick up the stick I grabbed and answer, "I use this to tie up my hair so it won't get dirty while cleaning."
"Huh, weird." She tilts her head a little and doesn't seem to get it. Actually, my hair is already kind of pulled up from Helen working on it this morning, do I even need to-
"Did you say something about your hair?!" I shrink back a little from the surprise as Helen practically jumps on me.
I see Mary looking over with interest too, so I explain. "I learned how to tie up my hair so it won't get dirty when I'm cleaning. I learned how to do it without a stick too, but it's a lot easier and stays better with one."
"Show me, I have to see this!" Helen bounces up and down excitedly.
"S-sure," I wave to calm her down, "but I'm not sure how to do it with my hair already tied up." I think about it for a few moments. Should I ask for her to take it back down? But isn't that asking too much? "I guess I should try it like this to see if it works..." I think aloud.
I take my hair, which feels like it's separated into three or four different ponytails at the back of my head, and twist all of them together. Then I slide the stick through, the same way I figured out the last time I cleaned the house. It's kind of difficult because the stick is sort of bumpy and catches on my hair, but it's actually a lot easier than I expected, since my hair is cleaner and isn't knotted as badly as usual. With the stick in place it's... not exactly a bun. Because the hair comes from a bunch of separate ponytails, it feels like a sort of weird blob on the back of my head. But it's staying up at least and doesn't fall out when I take a few test hops.
"Oooohh..." all the other girls gawk.
"What? I just put my hair up..."
"That's such a mature look!" Helen gasps, hands to her cheeks in shock.
"It is?" I think I remember someone mentioning something like that before...
"Yeah, only adults wear all their hair up in a bun," Emily tells me.
"Ahh, then I guess it's no good?" I pull the stick out and let my hair fall again. Maybe there's some other way I can do it to keep my hair from getting dirty without putting it all the way into a bun?
"Hey, I want to try something!" Helen says excitedly. She drops all of her sewing supplies back on her bed and starts pulling me over to mine. I share a glance with Emily and she just shrugs, then sits down to watch Helen work.
"Using something like this, you gave me a bunch of ideas to try out. If you want it pulled up and out of the way..." she goes silent for a while, twisting some, then stopping, then starting again. It feels like she's still thinking through whatever she's working on. "Ooh, I could try looping it like this!" I feel her hands pull a few different ways, she ties a few pieces of hair off with cloth from my endless pile of bandages under my bed, and works the stick through my hair. "Ugh, this stick is so uneven, it's going to snag and damage your hair. If you want to do this more, you should carve a better stick and polish it so it's smooth," she advises.
"Carve? Polish?" I don't know those words.
"Hmm?" Helen sounds confused.
As always, it's Emily who answers. "Carving is when you cut a piece of wood down until you get the shape you want." That sounds... familiar. I feel like someone told me a bit about this already, but I forget who. "Normally you would want a wood carver to do anything difficult, but if it's just making a stick, I could probably get that done," she says. A wood carver... That finally gets me to remember, it was Gremory who told me about wood carvers who make things out of wood. It just a comment more than a month ago, so I hardly remembered it at all.
But my thoughts are pulled away from that when Emily continues. "For polish... it's basically this stuff you rub into things that makes it all smooth and shiny. Like the floors at the chu- I mean the walls in Eryk's shop!" I hear her frantically abort her first example and find myself smiling a little awkwardly at the way she does it. Thoughts about Reena start to come back, but I quickly work to push them away, keeping my attention on topic.
So, that explains the shiny wood I always wondered about, it was polished... Speaking to Helen again, I ask, "So if a stick was polished, it would be smooth and wouldn't snag my hair?"
"Exactly." I can feel her nodding behind me as she keeps working. Well, I guess that's an option then, but how much work would it take to carve and polish a stick? And just for tying up my hair to clean? That seems pretty wasteful and unnecessary...
"Would metal work?" Emily suddenly asks.
"Sure, metal's nice and smooth too," Helen says simply. Why metal? I don't really get it. I want to look over at Emily to see if I can read any meaning from her expression, but I can't move with Helen working on my hair. I try to just wait patiently while she shifts, twists, and pulls at it for a while until she seems to be satisfied with whatever she came up with. I try touching the back again, and it seems like she has some of my hair pinned down with the stick placed mostly horizontally, just shifted a little bit higher on one side. Well, some of my hair, but not quite all of it. But the rest of it kind of... loops around behind my head or something. It doesn't even fall past my shoulders, but it's in some big twisty shape.
"Pff," Emily starts giggling. "How did you come up with that?" she asks.
"Well, I got the idea from tying a knot. I figured if I could pin all of the ends down with a stick like that, I could basically make a big bow knot.
"Hahaha!" Emily finally rolls over and starts laughing.
"Hey! I think it looks nice!" Helen argues.
"Hahaha! Sure, it's cute." Emily is holding her sides, trying to speak between laughing fits. "It just looks so silly!"
"It's cute, but silly?" I wonder aloud. I turn to Mary, the only one who hasn't really commented on any of this yet.
"Well, I wonder..." she says while putting her hands up and sliding away a little on her bed. I continue glancing around, not quite understanding without being able to see it myself. If only I had a mirror like Eryk had at his house, but that's probably way too expensive, and I would only be able to barely see from the side, not from right behind me to know what they're talking about.
See it... myself... The words stick in my head as I'm thinking. "Oh, duh!" I hold my head in my hand, immediately depressed that it took this long to come up with such a stupidly simple solution. I have eight other sets of eyes I could use to look at the back of my head! None at the orphanage though...
Chisa would be the fastest and easiest, but she would freak out the other girls. Riko would be second best since humans are fine with cats, but she's over at the garrison, keeping an eye on the guards. She's been enjoying napping high up on the wooden supports near the fireplace at one end of the large barracks lately.
Not important right now, I remind myself, shaking my head to get back on topic.
"What is it?" Emily asks, looking up from where she's collapsed on my bed.
"I came up with a solution to something that's been bothering me, I'll tell you about it later. Anyway, is my hair at least up enough that I won't get it dirty?" I try touching it some more. Yeah, it's above my shoulders, so I don't think it will be a problem. It's about the same length as Emily and Mary's hair now. That actually makes Helen's brown hair the longest, ending at her shoulder blades. "I guess this should work..." I think aloud.
"Alright, then let's get cleaning." Emily says while standing up, even though she still giggles a little when she looks at me.
"Ok, but you never told me what your stuff is for," I remind her.
"Ah, these?" She grabs a bucket and a few pieces of cloth off her bed that she gathered from the storeroom. "When we clean the floor at the bar, we wash it too instead of just sweeping it. You'd be amazed how much dirt is left over after you sweep."
"Oh, alright," I answer sort of blankly since I have no idea how much there might be. Guess I'll see soon. With that, I quickly sweep out the space between our beds, pushing the dirt into the hall while Emily goes to draw a bucket of water. "Should I sweep it down to the front door? I ask Helen and Mary, who still just seem confused about why we're cleaning our room.
"No, it won't really make any difference if there's a little extra dirt outside of our door," Mary comments. With a small nod, I keep working, shuffling my things out from under my bed so I can sweep out under it. It isn't long before Emily comes back with the bucket of water.
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But when I go to move Jannette's things, everyone tries to stop me. "You aren't supposed to touch anyone else's stuff," they all warn me at practically the same time.
"Huh?" I tilt my head, totally confused by that response. "But it wasn't a problem the last time I cleaned the house."
"What do you mean?" Emily asks.
So I explain, "The first day I was here, Mister Fredricson had me clean the whole house, so I swept out all of the rooms. I had to move everyone's stuff to sweep under their beds."
"And no one yelled at you?" Mary is staring with her mouth hanging open.
"Well, no. No one was around, and I made sure to put everything back where I found it so I didn't mess up their stuff."
"I had no idea, I never even noticed..." Helen mumbles to herself.
"So anyway, can I clean out under the beds now?" I ask, chuckling a little when they seem so surprised over something like that.
While all of their answers vary wildly, They all still think it's a really bad idea. But how else are we going to clean our room? I bite my lip. I have to clean my room if I want to to do what Claire said. I'll get clean and make her happy so she'll teach me.
Then a new feeling bubbles up. It's unpleasant, but strong, and feels like it's pushing me forward. I have to learn everything I can if I want to prove Reena wrong and survive the next battle on my own. So I move forward anyway. Under their worried gazes, I pull everything out from under Jannette's bed, sweep it out, then put everything back again, just how I found it. I halfheartedly raise a hand to show them my work and they look really surprised and relieved for some reason.
"It looks like it wasn't even touched," Helen comments, an the other girls nod repeatedly.
"All I did was put her things back where they belong..." I grumble a little at their strange reactions, but it isn't really helping make that nasty feeling go away. I push on. The three girls move their own things out from under their beds so I can sweep, then put them back. Then I do Eve's bed too. Once all the sweeping is finished and everyone's things are back where they belong, I frown a little. The cleaning isn't as relaxing as I remember...
I turn to Emily, asking, "So now what? How do we clean with the water?"
"We pour it on the floor, use rags to wipe it up with the dirt, then wring them out. We can probably wring them out out into the bucket again, or out the window," she answers.
"But I thought we weren't supposed to get the floor wet? Mister Fredricson spanked me for that one time..." I sigh at the thought. How was I supposed to know not to do that?
"Well, we're not just dripping water everywhere, we're using it to clean, and then we're going to dry it off afterward. Otherwise it can be bad for the wood."
"Ok, let's do it then." I say, but then stop because I realize we missed something. "Actually, don't we still need to clean under the beds?"
"That's right..." she mutters. So we move everyone's stuff all over again, putting it all up on top of the beds so we can clean underneath. They still stand back again, leaving Jannette and Eve's beds to me. But Emily speaks up again. "Aria, that really isn't a good idea. Can't we just wait for them to get back? W-we could clean the rest of the floor. If we just wait a little..."
That makes me frown. I want to get this done. Just like Claire told me. Then I can show Reena... Ignoring the worry on everyone's faces, I get everything moved. What are they so worried about? Once I'm done, we get to work.
Emily dumps water across the floor and we start scrubbing. She works fast, really, really fast. It makes me wonder, why is Emily so worried?
While we work, I ask Emily about why we aren't supposed to let wood sit wet, and she explains how it starts to rot. Unfortunately, none of the girls can explain why water makes wood rot, but it does. Kind of like how no one knows why water makes metal rust, I guess. Why is water bad for so many different materials, I wonder?
After that, Mary worriedly asks us why we're cleaning the room like this, so we have to explain how Claire told me to, so I can be clean enough for classes.
Even as I say it, it starts to bother me how some part of me wants to do it to spite Reena for being so mean, especially since I was just as mean back. This is supposed to be about doing well in class, not getting back at Reena when I don't even deserve to get back at her for anything. This feeling, I finally realize that I've started to resent Reena. Even though she's helped me before. The whole time, she was really just trying to force me to do whatever she wanted.
"Huh, sounds difficult," Helen comments while I'm still thinking through all of these negative emotions. She just goes on with her sewing, sitting on the edge of her bed to make room for all of her stuff, not looking at Jannette's bed next to her.
Meanwhile, my mood just keeps getting worse as I think about why I'm doing this. But I push those feelings back long enough to respond.
"Yeah, I guess so, but she said I have to. I mean look, I got my new shirt dirty this morning with one wrong move." I show her the big dirt stain across my chest and she nods a little. We keep scrubbing and wringing out our cloths, and I quickly see how right Emily was. There's so much leftover dirt and grime on the floor, it probably hasn't ever been given a good wash like this before. When she has to refill the bucket again, she practically runs out of the room. Why is she in such a rush? Seeing her, I make some hot water and use soap to get our cleaning rags clean enough to keep working.
Despite Emily's rush, it takes a long time, working over every bit of the floor, crawling under all of the beds as we go. Strangely, focusing on cleaning actually helps take my mind off things with Reena a little and eases the resentful feelings that have been building up. It's nearly time for lunch by the time we're almost finished, scrubbing underneath my bed and Jannette's when our door opens up and Eve walks inside.
"What on Loqa..." she mutters while staring around. "Who touched my stuff?!" she rushes over to her bed when she sees everything sitting on top.
Still kneeling under my bed, I raise my hand and say, "I put it on top of your bed so we could clean the floor. I promise I'll put it all right back where it belongs."
"Wh- hu- uh..." she's at a loss for words. Then she plants her hands on her hips and yells, "You better!" She grabs a small pouch off the top of the pile of stuff and stomps back out of the room.
After she's gone, I look around, confused. "We told you that you aren't supposed to touch other people's things," Mary says, face gone completely pale.
"I don't get it, why not?" I ask. "As long as I don't do anything to mess up her stuff, what's the problem?"
"Well, it's... uhh..." Mary gulps, anxiety and fear in her expression. She looks around to the other girls for help, but they seem to be having trouble too.
It's Emily who can finally put it into words. "It's basically that we don't normally, well, trust each other enough for that."
"We don't?" I look around at the other girls, but they all look away, not meeting my gaze.
"You know how I told you that we don't really talk to our friends except on Shanadays? Since we're all in the same room, we try to get along and talk and stuff, but, well, trusting each other with our things is a bit too much..."
"Oh..." I say. But even when she tells me that they don't trust each other with their things, she hasn't explained why. So I ask, "Why don't you trust each other with your things? I guess there's some reason not to?"
"Because someone could break them, or steal them," she answers quietly. "You remember when I told you I spent my money so it wouldn't get stolen?"
"You think that... they would take your things?" I ask. I keep glancing back and forth between the three girls. Don't we all talk to each other all the time? Eve even said we're all friends, why would they ever steal from each other? I have to voice my question. "Why would you want to steal from each other?"
"We wouldn't!" Mary suddenly speaks up. "But... it's just a matter of survival. Anyone would choose to steal if it meant they would be able to get by. Anyone here would choose their own life over the life of someone else. That's just... how it is..."
"Oh." I finally understand. It's a human thing. If their own survival was on the line, they would hurt others before letting themselves die. That... isn't something I can do. Not with people I have to protect. "I understand now, that's how it works." Sacrificing others for your own sake. No, I suppose I did do that at one point too, with Effy and 8C. So I guess while I'm below humans and can't hurt people, even I can hurt rail units if it will benefit me. Is that what Reena's doing? Taking advantage of me for her own sake?
"Ok, I understand now. So... what do I do?"
"All you can do is apologize," Emily says staring at the floor. "And... and hope she doesn't think you stole from her... No, this is Eve... she'll come to talk things out. She will. She will..." Emily gulps, eyes glassy.
"I'll... do that then..." I mumble, confused by Emily's reaction. It's... putting me on edge...
"A-and, you should really put Jannette's stuff back. It's... j-just, Aria, really. P-please?" The way she says it...
As much as I'm mad at Reena, Emily is clearly starting to panic, so I say, "Alright, fine. I-I'll just... do it later, or something..."
I go over and start collecting Jannette's stuff. Just like before, I make sure to put everything exactly where it came from, not a centimeter out of place now that I know how little everyone really trusts each other...
Now that I know, it really bothers me. Everyone is so distrustful because they are only looking out for themselves. "What about us?" I ask Emily quietly. "We trust each other, right?"
"Of course!" she assures me immediately. "How could I not trust you after everything you've told me?" She finally smirks, just a little, despite how worried she is.
"Thanks Emily." I breathe out, oddly relieved. Even if they don't trust each other, I'm glad that me and Emily do.
I'm just about done when the seventh bell rings for lunch, followed closely by the ever-present lunch whistle. I'm finishing up placing Jannette's stuff when the door opens again, Eve coming back inside, glaring at me. I immediately stop what I'm doing so I can go up and apologize.
I bow down deeply and apologize properly. "I'm very sorry for moving your things. I wasn't aware that you didn't trust me to touch them. I made sure to put everything back exactly where it was originally."
"Ah... yeah..." Eve answers haltingly, her glaring eyes drifting away for some reason. It isn't much of a response, but she doesn't say anything else, and just drops a small bag that looks like the one she grabbed earlier, back under her bed and quickly leaves the room again. I have no idea how to take that, but Emily lets out a long, relieved sigh.
While the door is swinging shut after her, Jannette catches it and walks inside quickly. But she's only two steps inside, when she stops. Her eyes glance to me, and I open my mouth a little because I should apologize, but she turns on a heel and walks right back out. I look at the other girls, but they just stare back at me. I still have no idea what Jannette is thinking...
"Ah." The sound draws my attention to Mary, who's pointing over at Jannette's bed, a few of her things still sitting on top. Was she so mad she left the room too? I go to put them back where they belong, but the other girls rush out of the room as soon as I look away, leaving just me and Emily, who hasn't moved at all since Jannette came in earlier.
As I put the last of her stuff back, I sigh. I had no idea things were so... I don't know. Not tense, but that below the surface of everyone getting along, there was nothing else. That no one actually cares about each other. Thinking about all of these awful thoughts isn't helping the churning resentment that just keeps building toward Reena as I realize how much of it applies to her too.
But there are still things I don't get. If no one trusts each other, why does Helen do my hair? And what about Eve helping me that night I was scared out of my mind from the monster attack and lightning mana? I finish up with Jannette's things, standing back up with this annoyed, grumpy feeling at everything. And what about Reena giving me that absolute mana? It just doesn't make sense...
I turn over to Emily, but her expression-
Slam!
Our door blasts open, crashing against the connecting wall as Mister Fredricson comes stomping inside. I totally missed his footsteps while lost in thought.
"Umm?" I blink rapidly, no idea what is happening. Then Jannette comes through the door after him, glaring with eyes so dark and piercing that they make me shudder.
"Did you steal from her?" Mister Fredricson demands, rage burning clear through his tone. So why is he smiling?
My eyes go wide. "No! I moved her things so I could clean our floor," I explain. But... I don't think he's listening. I glance to Jannette. I can see uncertainty mixed with her anger as her eyes dart to the clean floor.
But it's too late. Mister Fredricson grabs me by the front of my shirt and drags me out of the room. I stumble after him, hardly able to keep my feet as he rushes down the hall, turning down the stairs to the second floor.
"Shit, Aria!" I hear Emily call from behind.
"Wait, Mister Fredricson, this is a misunderstanding!" I try explaining, but he's definitely not listening to me at all. We're on the first floor in a matter of moments. If he's going to spank me again, why is he dragging me all the way over here?
He stomps into the kitchen, and I can see all the other kids gathered in the dining room for lunch. His approach catches their attention, all turning as one. As he lifts me from the ground in front of him, they all have the same frozen look Emily had in our room, just before Mister Fredricson came in.
"Listen up!" his voice booms, bringing the house to silence in an instant. "This is what happens to thieves in this house!" Their eyes go wide, terror showing through. This is different than before! What's about to happen?!
Then Mister Fredricson grabs the metal pan from the hearth, the one we use to cook lunch, and I know.
I throw my mana to defend, and he hits me. I feel it sear my skin, burning as I gasp involuntarily. It feels like he's aiming for my butt, like he's trying to spank me, but his blows land all over as I swing back and forth in his grip.
"Ahh!" I cry out. This is way worse than any time he spanked me before! I don't know how long it goes on, but he just keeps hitting me. I think I hear the other children screaming too.
Then the memories come back. The rail units. Their weapons. Blows falling on me while I couldn't do anything. I start to gasp, start to lose control.
Rail units.
Handlers.
Metal.
Burning.
Helplessness.
The next thing I know, I fly right out the kitchen window, slamming into the next building over, and fall to the ground. My muscles spasm uncontrollably. I struggle back to my feet on reflex, my hazy mind having shifted half into combat mode after that beating and the flashbacks and the pain. But I'm not in a fight, so I just stand there, unsure what to do now. My head is totally swirling, my doubt and resentment and pain and terror and uselessness all mixing together.
I still see Mister Fredricson standing inside through the window, he's looking at me, his smile tinged with shock. Some part of my mind says I still have to explain things to him.
"Mister Fredricson, I wasn't stealing anything, I was cleaning our floor because Claire told me I have to!" I call, stumbling over my own feet, trying to get back to the window. But he just turns around and walks away. Why won't he listen? He doesn't trust me either, does he? Just like everyone else.
Why would they? I've done nothing but lie to them.
Because I'm a useless rail unit and I all I can do is lie to everyone to protect myself but even that doesn't help and I'm still as helpless and worthless as ever and and and....
Then Emily is rushing into the alley. She grabs me, interrupting my downward spiral.
"Come on," she says gently, sliding an arm around me and helping me stand. Even her arm hurts against my burned skin. She starts pulling me forward, back toward the street. Then Jannette is standing at the entrance to the alley.
Before I can respond, Emily is screaming. "Jannette! You knew what would happen!"
"I... I thought you were stealing from me," She responds flatly.
"Seriously?!" Emily shouts at her. "You really think Aria would do that? I had to tell her what stealing is and why people do it today!" She starts dragging me painfully forward as she advances toward the alley entrance.
"Wait, Emily." I put up my hand to stop her angry shouting, but I can't put any effort in my tone. Her face is totally red with rage, but when I try to pull away, she eventually releases me.
I limp toward Jannette. She still looks angry and reluctant and... hurt. There's something I'm supposed to say to her. What was it? My mind is hazy, I can't think. Everything hurts...
I bow despite the pain, watching my tears drip to into the dirt at my feet. I didn't realize I was crying. "I am very sorry, Jannette. I did not realize I was not supposed to touch your things. I understand that you don't trust me, so it makes sense you would think that I was trying to steal from you. It's my fault for touching your things without asking you." The words come out, but they don't feel like mine. Everything feels so far away...
Once I finish apologizing and manage to straighten back up, Jannette stands there, her mouth hanging open. Then there's a flash of something. A mixture of sadness and shame I think, but she turns away too quickly to tell. Then she rushes back inside without another word
"Aria, that wasn't your fault!" Emily's voice is trembling as she comes up from behind, grabbing tight to support me again. "Jannette fucked up, she should have talked to us before going to Fredricson!" she snarls.
Why is she so angry? Fire mana overload? I feel like I should question her, but I can't. Can't... make words...
Why was Eve's reaction so different...? We leave the alley slowly.
Over time, Emily begins to calm down, her vicious expression cooling. "What do we do now?" Emily asks quietly. It looks like her anger has dissipated, leaving her feeling kind of... sad and empty.
I know the feeling. I think I'm feeling it now..... Maybe.....
After all the worries and anger and Mister Fredricson's beating reminding me of my time with the rail units, I kind of feel the same way, like part of me doesn't want to feel all of these terrible things right now.
She thinks aloud. "We obviously can't go back home right now, we should probably wait until the last bell so Mister Fredricson can cool down. He didn't say he was throwing you out, but we should still stay away for a while."
At her words, Chisa points out that John is almost here. I still feel so... I can't... I listlessly point down the street.
Emily's eyebrows draw together. "That way?" She thinks hard, then finally gasps. "Oh right, lunch. I completely forgot!" She shakes herself a little. "Come on, let's ask John for help."
She pulls me forward, and we start walking. The street near our house is completely deserted at this time of day, but I can still feel some eyes on us through the surrounding windows.
John is just turning onto the connecting street from North Main Street, two blocks from our house, when we meet him. He sees us, eyes going wide.
"Aria, what happened?" he asks as he rushes over.
I whimper.
"These are serious burns," he comments, looking me up and down. I didn't have any fire mana, or they wouldn't have been so bad... I'm still so useless...
"Come on, we have to get you to the doctor." He scoops me up in his arms, immediately turning around to head south. Emily quickly follows along. I can feel all my mixed up emotions starting to settle and sink.
I start to cry.