Jannette finally finishes with my dress. "There... done..." she says, and I can hear the fatigue in her voice. It's all over her face too, the way her eyelids keep slipping downward, bit by bit. "Come now, let's get you out of it. Carefully."

As she said, I stand very still, and she ever so slowly pulls the dress up and off of me. I know how delicate the work is, so I grit my teeth and don't let myself flinch when one of the pins catches against my skin and stabs me under my arm. Not messing up her work... Not after everything she did...

The dress finally comes off without further issues, and Jannette lets out a very long, very relieved sigh, after she gets it laid out on a counter. "Good good," she mumbles. "Just need to do the modifications, and you'll be ready for the big party." Coming back over to me after I'm dressed in my normal clothes again, she pats me gently on the head. Just that is enough to make me tear up again. "It's late, you must be really tired. Do you think you can get home?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks for everything, Miss Jannette," I try to hold my voice steady as I wipe my eyes.

"Good, get home safe. And talk to an adult you trust, as soon as you can. I'm looking forward to seeing you at the party."

I blink a little, caught off guard by that last part. "You're going to be there too?"

"Of course I will," she chuckles and rubs my head a little more. "Now, get going." I nod, and she sees me out.

Once I'm sure I'm alone, my whole body sags. I didn't want to show her how tired I am. I'm just so spent from everything today... "I have to get home..." I mumble to myself. My throat is so sore and dry...

When Jannette said it was late, she was underselling it. Finishing with my dress took a very long time. Just looking up, the full moon is already pretty high overhead. I kind of lost track of time earlier though with how terrible I felt, so I don't have an exact count on exactly how late it is right now.

Whatever, it's not that important. I'm tired, and really need to get home before I collapse. Put an end to this awful day... As I start walking, I wrap my arms around myself and shiver. It really is starting to get colder at night. Winter is coming... Is it going to be cold like this all the time? The only time I ever got sick was when I got really cold at night, right? Just to be safe, I should probably avoid getting too cold like that again.

I sigh, just rubbing my arms like this makes it feel like I'm hugging myself, which makes me feel weird, and start tearing up. I really need help...

I channel my mark.

"Aria? It's really late, why are you out here? What's wrong, honey?" The waves of her concern wash over me, like a big, warm hug, and I'm immediately crying again.

"I don't... It's just everything..." I can't even put any of it into words at first.

"Shh, shh," Reena coos, like a tiny lullaby in my ear. "It's fine, I'm here with you. Everything will be fine..."

I walk for a while longer, just wrapping myself in her warmth and comfort. A handful of times, my sensitive ears pick up the breath of the few people still up, maybe because the night of the full moon is the only time it's really bright enough to do anything at night. I don't want to give up this feeling, so I change paths to avoid anyone I hear, even if it makes my trip take a little longer.

I don't care, not feeling quite as terrible is more important.

Eventually, Reena asks, "So, can you think back on what happened? Or is it too painful?"

I gulp. She saw a little of it when I channeled my mark earlier, but not all of it. I've been trying as hard as possible to shut out all of the thoughts from earlier all day. It didn't really work, but intentionally dragging it all back up again...? I don't know if I'm strong enough...

"It's fine," Reena assures me immediately. "You don't have to be strong. It's alright to be weak and vulnerable sometimes. You're only a child, and you're hurting. I'm here to help."

With a hand over my mouth to stifle my sobs on the dark street, I nod repeatedly. Reena just keeps whispering quiet, soothing words, promising me that things will be fine, that I'll make it through these feelings, that she will always help me. I keep crying and nodding. I want her to be right. Desperately.

But what am I supposed to do? How do I deal with all of these feelings? Even wrapped in Reena's embrace, it feels like they're going to tear me apart. This is why I always tried to keep them buried... Why did Beth have to go digging like that today? Why did I let her?

This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

"It's worse to keep it all bottled up..." Reena sighs, mirroring what Jannette told me earlier. "It will always be there, like a poison in your mind, unless you deal with it. You're far too young to be sorting out emotions like these, but there's no helping it. You have to confront your own feelings, or they'll just keep doing more damage."

She's quiet for a while, waiting for me to digest that, before she presses further. "Aria... forcing yourself not to think about things, the damage it does... Most of it is invisible. You can't see the harm you're doing to yourself, but it's still there. And the scars only gets worse the longer you ignore them. By the time things start surfacing like they are now, there's already a lot of underlying damage. I can help you through it, but I can't do it for you. I know you're weak, and I know it hurts, but please, you have to at least take that first step."

She's right. She's always right about these things. But... but it's all so hard, and scary. And it hurts so much... "I... don't know how..."

"You have to think about it, sweetie," she tells me gently. "Before you can do anything else about these feelings, you need to allow yourself to feel them, and accept that they're your own feelings. They're a part of you, whether you want them to be or not."

I hesitate for a long time, feeling like I'm choking. I can't even get the words out as I stare down at the stones of the street passing beneath my feet. Silently, like a breath, I ask, "You'll help me?"

"Of course."

"You'll catch me if it's too much?"

"Always."

My mind is in a haze. In desperate need of sleep. But I pull off the road, ducking into a dark, narrow alley that dead-ends a short way ahead, between two buildings in northeast district. Listening closely, it's clear that both surrounding buildings are unoccupied. It's a familiar alley from back when I was exploring, one of the ones where I could sit for long stretches of time to think. Hardly anyone even passed by this particular street during the day.

Now, there's perfect silence around me, nothing but the sound of my own shallow breath in my ears. No, there's also the sound of fur brushing against something nearby, a cat I guess. I ignore it and close my eyes. Can I really do this?

"Don't worry, it will be alright, I swear I'll help you through anything, Aria." Pressing my back against one of the alley walls, I try to brace myself, even though I know it won't help.

I trust Reena. Even if I'm too weak, she'll protect me. Even if it's from myself.

I form the words, my heart already racing, with a feeling like my stomach is going to drop out.

"I hate myself." My arms pull up around my stomach as I start to double over, and I'm coming apart in an instant. Everything else starts to pour out, all the memories I kept locked up. The way we were treated, the way I felt. How I lied to myself for years, made myself believe I didn't really feel it. Because the other rail units never felt anything, and I was supposed to be like them. Needed to be like them.

That's as far as I get before I feel myself losing touch. Something inside breaking. But Reena's there, a hand on my soul, catching the broken pieces and putting me back together, and suddenly I'm ok again.

"Go on," she urges me gently, but I can feel her crying too.

So I do it. I drag up the memories, all the pain I can't face. I'm too weak, too fragile. My mind is already coming apart, but I do it anyway.

I was supposed to be like them, but I wasn't. I'm not like the others and I never will be, because I'm broken. No matter how much I tried to be like them, all it earned me was more pain. I could never match up. Even now, learning magic, I still can't do it. I know Reena told me it's possible, that I can beat them in my own way, but it's so hard, and I'm so bad at it, I can't even imagine actually getting there.

I groan when my thoughts fragment.

"There there, y-you're fine..." Reena coos, and I can think again, so I keep going.

All of this- every last bit of this pain I have to go through, I know it's all my fault. All of my problems wouldn't exist if I could just be right. Be how I'm supposed to be, like all the others. And I hate it all so much. Myself, them, everyone. This whole damn world that made me like this instead. Not once, but twice. It wasn't enough to be diseased, I had to be broken too. Why? Why?!

Why is it always like this?! I never wanted to be the way I am, and the world just keeps hurting me for it!

I wish it would all just end!

I fall to my hands and knees, and Reena puts me back together again.

"Aria, I..." She trails off, completely at a loss. She's a wreck too now. I'm panting and sobbing, curling up on the ground.

I said it. I hate me and I hate everything else. This whole world that had to make me diseased and broken and torture me with my own failure every single day of my miserable life. I wish I could just wipe away this whole world. Get rid of all this pain.

There, I've faced it. What do I do now? How do I deal with all these feelings now?! Holding my head, I want to scream. But gentle, strong arms envelop me, hold me tight.

"Shh, hush now, child..." Reena's voice echoes through me. Lifts me, and carries me home. My drenched, burning eyes open to the dark sky, with that one shining light above. Reena sighs, old and tired. "Yes, the choice will be yours. I just hope... I hope that all our love is enough. As long as you keep trying, there's still hope. Even if it's just a flicker, a single flame against that endless dark..."

She sets me down where it's warm and comfortable. "I'm so proud of you," she whispers, with tears and love. "You were so brave today. Now rest, so you can keep growing tomorrow too."