Beth takes a big, deep breath. "Ok, Aria. Please tell me: why are you so unbearably afraid to tell us about your past?"

On the surface, it seems like a simple answer. "Because, if I tell you, it will ruin my life."

"Right, you've mentioned that before. What exactly about telling us would cause that?"

"Well... first off, you would hate me."

"Alright, let's start there," Beth prompts. "You've also mentioned that before, and seem awfully certain of it, despite every assurance we've given you that we would not. Can you explain why you are so sure?"

That one I have to think about a little more. "Well, it doesn't really have anything to do with you, or Eryk, or any of the others. It's just that any person I told would hate me. But... Actually... So, honestly, I've started to have some doubts that you actually would hate me." She lifts a brow when I immediately contradict myself like that.

I try to explain it. "Like... I've looked into most of your souls a few times now, so I know how much you care about me. I've felt it for myself. It might be enough to overcome the automatic hatred for my kind."

"Aria," Emily elbows me. Right, that might have been a little too much. Eryk already caught it earlier though, so that's already out...

"The way you say that..." Beth murmurs, and I get another stab of worry. It would probably be enough to send me into outright panic if I was thinking like normal. But she shakes her head. "Never mind. Go on."

I take a breath. "Right. So, even though I've started to wonder if you wouldn't hate me, I can't be sure. And if I'm wrong... If there was ever any single person I told, and I was wrong and they ended up hating me, what they learned about me... Well, it would uhh-" I stumble a little trying to remember the word, "-compel them- to tell everyone they could."

"Really? Doesn't that seem a little paranoid to you?" Beth asks.

Both Emily and I shake our heads together, which just makes Beth even more concerned. "No, the thing is, they would be terrified. They would need to warn everyone they possibly could about me. It's happened before." Back when I first went outside, the rumors it created. Everyone warning their friends and families, so my street in front of the rail unit building emptied day by day until there was no one left. For that to happen with well connected people like Eryk, Beth, and Kathy...

"You three- you, Eryk, Kathy- you know way too many people. You have so many connections, to so many people and businesses in town. If any of you found out and turned on me, the news would spread everywhere. I'd be recognized, hated, and feared... everywhere. I wouldn't be able to live with the people in this town anymore. I'd have to... I'd have to go back."

Saying those words hits me with another pang of fear, even stronger this time. Tears form in my eyes, but I wipe them away. My words start to come a bit at a time. "I can't go back there. I lost my mind once. When I left. I learned something. I couldn't take it. The world stopped feeling real. I could barely comprehend happiness. I... I got really sick. I don't even know how, I shouldn't be able to get sick. That's when the nightmares started. When I realized that everything I'd been through... it was all meaningless. I was only ever meant to die, because I'm wrong."

I'm glad that the images playing back through my mind can't draw out the feelings they should. That's all that lets me keep talking. "I've spent the last year making a life for myself. I can't lose it because I tell someone about my past, and they're so terrified of me that they have to warn everyone about me. Make my life here impossible, so I have to go back to that. I would die again..."

I guess that covers it, I can't really think of anything else to say.

----------------------------------------

Beth sits there, considering my whole, halting explanation for some time. "Wow, that's... a lot," she eventually says. "Where do I even start?" After thinking a bit longer, she decides. "Let's begin with the big one. You mentioned, what was it... 'automatic hatred for you kind' I think? That's a familiar phrase, Reena mentioned something like that in the vision you shared with us."

I nod, even if it's getting way too close to the core of my secret, it's something I already gave away. "So, people like you... Like you in what way? No, rather... Why are you so sure about this hatred?" she changes her question. "I can't think of any group of people who would be hated or feared like you've described." Scratching the back of her head, she squints over my head, then guesses, "People from Bromunst or Eschalle? That's my best guess, but even they wouldn't get that big a reaction..."

"I can't explain why, but it's true," I start, before Emily adds on.

"Aria's right, it is real. Aria is like a little sister to me, and when she told me... I could hardly even stay standing. I thought I would die."

Beth glances between us. "Isn't that... kind of extreme?"

"Yes, it is," Emily answers without any hesitation, dead serious.

Of course, it looks like Beth has a hard time believing that, so I add, "Francis was the exact same way."

"Mm... I'll keep that in mind. I'll have to think on it more later. Now, the next thing I wanted to ask about was... You mentioned needing to 'go back' if people found out and you lost your place here. I'm assuming you were referring to wherever you came from. Why not leave town? Plenty of people do that when they lose their place in their current home."

I shake my head. "That's not an option." Not when I have to come back to go to battle. "Well, maybe one town over...?" As long as I only need to return for a couple days every few months, that might actually be a last resort possibility... "Basically, I can never leave this town behind entirely."

"Because whatever you're involved in, it's here," Beth mutters, shaking her head. "Fine. Next, you said that you lost your mind once? Could you tell me more about that?"

"Yeah, umm, like I said, I learned something I never wanted to know, and I couldn't take it." I put a hand to my head. The pain is starting to get harder to take. "I screamed until I lost my voice. And... It's... a little hard to remember, but it was like... like the world around me wasn't real, or I wasn't me. Like, watching me... from outside of myself... I don't really know how to describe it. It felt like my mind completely broke."

"Oh my..." Beth breathes with wide eyes. "That is... Aria, that's really serious. I've read accounts of similar experiences in medical texts. Let's just say, the people they were written about were not... sane. Has anything like that ever happened since then?"

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I think about it for a bit, then shake my head. "There were a few similar times, but never that exact same feeling again."

"Alright..." she says cautiously. "If you ever feel that way again, come straight to me, do you understand?"

I nod a few times. But... I feel like the most likely chance of things getting that bad would be everyone finding out I'm a rail unit, and then she wouldn't want to see me anymore...

"Anyway, when that happened, what did you do? How did you return to a normal state of mind?" she asks seriously.

"Uhh..." Right, that was how... "It stopped when I jumped in the river and had flashbacks to drowning."

Beth's mouth falls open a little, then she brings a hand to her head in shock. "You mean, your temporary insanity was stopped by traumatic flashbacks of a near-death experience...?"

"Yeah..." I mumble.

"Oh, Aria..." Beth leans forward and hugs me. Hey, this feels kind of nice. Thinking that suddenly makes me realize again that I'm still really not in my right mind...

When Beth settles back into her chair, she wipes at her eyes a couple times. "Ok, just a few more points to get into... You mentioned your nightmares. That they were caused by... what was it again?"

"Well, that's the last part. I found out about something, and realized that everything I'd been through was pointless. That's why I lost my mind, and my nightmares started after that."

"Ahh, so they're related, I see..." Beth nods along.

"Yeah."

"Is there any more you can tell me about that? This thing you learned? Or what you had been through?"

"Well..." She already knows some of this, right? "I can't really say what I learned, but what I'd been through... I told you about how many times I've been injured, remember?"

"Yes..." she begins to frown, probably knowing where I'm going with this.

"I was... Beaten unconscious every day, for years." Her eyes narrow, grimacing when I say it. "I always thought there was a point. That I wasn't just suffering for no reason. I was wrong. Most of my nightmares are about getting beaten like that. And how none of it mattered." Emily hugs me tighter, and I can feel the tears where she presses her face to my shoulder. Beth hugs me again too, squeezing me tight to her chest.

"Gods, Aria... no one should need to go through any of these things..." She murmurs in my ear. Without even releasing me, she moves onto her next question, one hand rubbing my back gently. "You said something about being wrong. Wrong about what?"

"That's also connected. They're all connected, really. The beatings, everything I went through, it all being pointless in the end. And all of it was my own fault because I'm wrong."

Beth jolts, reeling back in shock. "W-what do you..."

"I mean I shouldn't be like this."

"Aria..." Emily warns, but I want to finish my explanation.

"All of my suffering was my own fault, because I'm broken." Beth's mouth is working up and down as I speak, but she can't form a response. "You know, I really hate myself because of it." A lump forms in my throat, tears in my eyes as I grasp a hand to my chest. When I push it down, I say, "The pain is really starting to come back, I don't know how much longer I can keep talking about this. I usually try not to think about it because it hurts too much."

With a gasping sob, Beth throws her arms around me. Her whole body shakes, wet tears flowing onto my both my shoulders this time. "I-I'm so... I'm so sorry!" Beth gasps out between sobs.

I'm starting to feel tears forming in my own eyes. I think the food's effect is finishing wearing off. Everything I just talked about, it's all starting to come at once.

Oh no, why did I talk about all of that? I'm not ready, I don't want to feel all those things again!

With my own arms coming up, I clutch at Beth, and the pain hits me again. All the sadness, suffering, the hurt. The feelings that hang over me all the time, that I've gotten so used to, I didn't notice them anymore, at least until they're pointed out. Now, I've hit on every one of them, all at the same time, and all I can do is cry.

Painful sobs come with the big, rolling tears that soak into Beth's dress as the three of us cry together, wrapped in a big hug. Head buried in her chest, I have to channel my mark when I start feeling myself coming apart. Reena catches me, holding me together despite everything, at least until I'm stable enough to manage on my own. She whispers silently, another hand of comfort to get me through, until we hear the door open and I have to hide my mark again.

It's Taylor, coming in to comfort his wife because he could hear us all crying from the front. He soon retreats though, when it becomes clear that no simple words will help.

Eventually, we cry ourselves out. Still sniffling and wiping at her eyes, Beth tries a few times before saying, "I'm so sorry, Aria. Even with everything we've talked about before, I had no idea your trauma ran so deep. It's hard to comprehend, that a person could even survive the suffering you have. I'm not even sure how to begin addressing all of it. Not to mention, you were only able to talk about it today because of that food."

Suddenly, her tone sharpens, dead serious. "That food you ate, that caused you not to feel those things. Never eat it again. Do you understand?"

"Ok, but... why? I felt so much better because of it..."

"Because it's extremely addictive. Have you ever heard of drugs?" I shake my head, so she explains, "They're specific substances that cause you to lose your normal state of mind. People will take drugs to make bad feelings go away, exactly like what just happened for you. But the more you do it, the less you're able to cope with your feelings, and the more you need the drugs."

I nod slowly. I think I understand this. It's just like I've been thinking with relying on earth mana.

"That food is just like a drug for you. While it can make all your pain go away temporarily, it will only make things worse when it wears off. You end up chasing after that feeling, doing anything you can for it. People who follow that path, they give up on their families, their loved ones, everything that they've ever cared about, all for their next escape from reality. That's how drugs work," Beth warns, eyes boring into mine.

"Th-thank you. I'll be really careful of that." I stammer. That's terrifying!

"Good," she sighs. "Now, is there anything else?"

"I... don't think so?" She redid my bandages earlier, then that whole ordeal with my counseling session, and next I go to the tailor-

"Oh no, the tailor..." I feel all the blood drain from my face. I was so out it that I completely forgot I was supposed to be in and out of Beth's office really quickly today!

Shooting up from my seat, I stammer, "I-I'm sorry, I forgot I had to go to the tailor to get my dress fitted for the party, I really have to go."

"Oh my, then you should get going. But Aria?"

"Yeah?"

"Come back on Venaday. I want to talk more about what we discussed today, and I think leaving it until next Shanaday is far too long."

I hesitate. Just thinking back to all of is like a punch in the gut, tears immediately forming in my eyes, but I try to keep it together. "Alright." It comes out as a sob anyway.

"Good, now get going, girls." She hugs us, smiles, and waves us out.