I'm still quietly crying when we get to the clinic. As soon as Nina sees John carry me in, she waves us right through.
"Excuse me," he says as we enter the back room. Once Beth sees me, she shoots to her feet. "Aria, what happened?!" She comes rushing over. "It hasn't even been a day!"
"I'm sorry, I got hurt again," I push the words out.
"No no, shh, it's not your fault," she says, even though it is.
I shouldn't have touched their stuff. The other girls warned me. But I didn't listen. I was too mad at Reena. Too stupid. Like always...
The doctor pulls John over to set me on the table and she immediately starts taking my clothes off to get a better look at the injuries. A lot of the hits landed on my back, so it seriously hurts anywhere my skin touches the stone table until she rolls me onto my stomach.
"Who did this to you? These are serious burns!" She starts grabbing things from her cabinets, saying she'll make burn ointment right away. There are lots of cracking, grinding and mixing sounds. I gulp, still having trouble forming words.
Once she comes back and starts spreading the strange, thick paste all over the burns, I finally manage to respond. "I got in trouble... Mister Fredricson... thought I was stealing."
"Wha-" she gapes. "A punishment? This is child abuse!" She's shaking with anger. "These burns will leave permanent scars!"
"But I dont-" I start, but cut off when it clicks. In fact, the way everyone gasps slightly, I think we all realized it at the same time. Then I say it. "Mister Fredricson knows I don't scar."
.
.
.
.
Everyone stands in silence while the doctor works. The air hangs heavy and oppressive... After spreading the ointment on my burns, she wraps bandages around them. I... still have to close my eyes and look away... Once she's treated the injuries, she looks down at me, eyes shining like she's holding back tears.
"Aria... how are you feeling?" she asks quietly.
"...Mm..." That's the only answer I can give. I just feel... hurt. The burns, the way he hit me, how it brought back all those memories...
"Do you... want to talk about it?"
I open my mouth a little. Then I close it again. I can't. I just... can't...
She lightly touches a hand to my cheek. "Come back next weekend for another checkup. And... some counseling too, if you want. Alright?"
"Nm," I mumble back.
"I'm going to let someone know what's going on. I won't just stand aside and watch this happen," she assures me.
"Mm."
John carries me back out of her office. "Nina, it's free today," Beth says softly, so we just leave the clinic. Outside, we stand in the street.
Mister Fredricson knows I won't scar, I realize. He knows he can do anything he wants to me and it won't leave any lasting effect, no matter how he beats me.
Was that all to scare the other kids? He did drag me all the way downstairs to show them. But still, getting beaten like that... It feels like being back at the rail program... Just thinking about it makes me feel weird. Makes all my feelings are messed up.
I want to push it away, deny it. The thought that Mister Fredricson will keep beating me like this, like I'm back there again.
I stare up at the bright blue sky. It's clear, not a cloud in sight. "What do we do now?" Emily asks from the side. When I look, she's staring straight at the ground with an expression I can't read at all.
"I'm... not really sure." John responds. I can hear people and carts all around us on the shopping street, right in the middle of the day when everyone is out for lunch. I can feel them watching us as we stand in the middle of the street. It's suffocating.
"Alright," John sounds like he's come up with something. "Aria's food is probably cold already, let's go get her more."
"Sure," Emily responds flatly. We head over to Eryk's house. He knocks on the door. I can hear the tap of footsteps. Heavy, so it's Kristene this time. She opens the door.
"What's this?" she asks loudly. Her voice makes me curl up more.
"Aria didn't have a chance to eat her food, so we came to get her more," John responds in a level tone.
"Alright, come on in." She waves us inside, but stops Emily. "Who is this?"
"Emily, she's with me," John answers in a tone that demands she does not question him. After a moment of silence, she finally shrugs and lets Emily into the house. We cross the large room at the entrance, John calling for Irene. She shows up soon after.
"What on Loqa are you doing back here already?" she asks, sounding annoyed, before she sees me. "And why is she with you?" Her eyes are starting to take in the whole scene, Emily included. They make me feel bad...
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"It's a long story," he grunts at her. Irene's eyebrows shoot up.
"How unusual, what's wrong?"
"I said it's a long story. I need food for Aria, and somewhere for her to lie down. Comfortably," he growls.
"O-of course. Right this way." Her eyes are wide, glancing back and forth across our whole group. Irene immediately leads us into an adjacent room, to the right of the entryway. "Set her down here," she instructs, and I feel him lower me onto a soft surface. Despite my clothes, the bandages, and the burn ointment, it still sears up and down my back.
I turn myself over onto my front, groaning a little when the pain eases up some. Emily sits by me, slowly rubbing my head, buried face-down in the seat cushion.
I hear John and Irene walk away. Once they should be far enough, a couple rooms over, I hear him give a very brief overview of what happened, at least the parts he's aware of. Then he asks her again to get more food for me, and she agrees, her shoes tapping away toward the kitchen.
I just lie still for a while. What am I even doing? I wonder vaguely. All I wanted was to sit with Emily today and not do anything difficult. Just chatting or playing or something. I remember that day I got to play tag with those other kids. Why can't we just do things like that? Why do I always wind up getting hurt instead?
Because I'm weak, and stupid obviously. It's my own fault that this happened.
Why can't I be strong? Strong enough not to get hurt anymore. But of course I can't be strong, because I'm broken. Things are never going to change, are they? It's just like it was back then.
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I think I end up drifting off at some point, because the next thing I know, I'm screaming in terror, all the memories mixing together, Mister Fredricson overlapping with the rail units, the handlers, the enemies.
As soon as I'm aware of my surroundings, everything is throbbing painfully, and I realize I'm lying on top of Emily. She's wincing, holding me in her arms at an awkward angle. "Should've seen that coming," she says through gritted teeth, before pushing me back up off of her, onto something soft. I finally realize that I must have rolled off in my panic, so she had to dive to catch me.
"Ugh, sorry Emily." I groan once I can find my voice.
"You don't have enough earth, do you?" she asks.
I shake my head. I've been using so much to sleep and heal, I'm going to have some serious problems... Heart sinking again as soon as the terror wears off, I curl up on my side, pressing my head to my knees. Why is it always like this...?
Of course, it's only moments later that John and Irene coming running into the room.
"What happened?" John asks, though I can't see him curled up like this.
"It's fine," Emily responds, "Aria just fell asleep, so she started having nightmares. Do you have any...?" She leaves the question unfinished since Irene is here too.
"Right right, sorry," he apologizes for some reason. "Irene, is her food almost done?"
"Yes, I'll go get it now," she responds kind of stiffly. As soon as she leaves the room, he comes over, digging in his coin pouch and drawing an iron coin.
"Do you have any nuvrite?" he asks.
"No, we basically got thrown out from being in our room, we weren't carrying anything on us," Emily sighs. Of course I can't make any earth mana. Not only am I weak, I don't even properly plan so that I have the things I need to do what little I can!
As I whine and shrink further at the thought, Irene comes back with my food. "Come on, sit up and eat," she says.
Her tone is missing its usual bite. But... but...
"Come on, Aria," Emily urges me gently, working to draw me out of the ball I've curled into. "Eat, maybe you'll feel a little better..."
I can't keep myself from whimpering, but I eventually do as she says, letting Emily pull me up. I grit my teeth once I'm up. He was aiming for my butt, so I have a whole lot of burns there, which really hurt when I sit down like this...
I take the wooden spoon from the bowl and I wince a little more. One of the hits landed on the back of my left hand, so it stings when I move my hand to hold the spoon.
Despite my injuries, and all the awful feelings, I'm really hungry. I take small bites of the food. I guess it's good like usual, but at the same time... I don't know, it just feels kind of bland and tasteless now. I don't understand how that works, but I can't enjoy it at all.
I just eat one piece at a time, chewing and swallowing until there's nothing else in the bowl. Once I'm finished, I hand it back to Irene, who is watching me with a strange... concerned expression?
I just lower my gaze. What's wrong with my feelings? I stare at the floor for a bit.
"Aria," Emily whispers.
"Mm?" I eventually look back up. That's when I realize Irene is gone, and John is sitting on another seat across from mine. How long was I staring at the floor?
"You're kind of... blanking out..." she sounds worried. "Be careful with your expression."
Am I? I touch my face and realize that at some point, I slid back into my blank, emotionless face. I shake myself a little and rub my forehead. Seriously, what's wrong with me? I look around. I feel weirdly tired. I'm sitting in... that room right off of the big entrance room. The one John was sitting in during my lessons with Irene. Or was that the next room over?
I'm not sure, whatever. I look over across from me, where John is sitting. He's looking at me, with a similar sort of concerned expression like Irene had. "What?" I ask.
"You... don't look alright." What does he mean by that?
"What's wrong?"
"I'm not sure, but you just seem... off," he answers vaguely. Am I letting something show that I shouldn't? I think I've gotten rid of my blank rail unit expression, but is there something else? Maybe the strange weight in my chest...? I don't know how to describe it. Kind of... blah. Like the terrible, overwhelming feelings have just... dulled...
"So, what now?" I ask. Just the question makes him frown.
"Aria, your tone," Emily reminds me with a whisper in my ear.
"What about my tone?"
"It's too flat," she whispers back.
"Oh." I can't think of anything else to say to that. It feels like I'm sinking.
"Hmm, I think I've got it," John suddenly says. "I think you're burned out. Too many ups and downs today. You need rest. You... can't really sleep now though, can you?"
"I should be alright if I have Emily, I think."
He raises an eyebrow. "How does that help?"
I shrug. "Being with someone who... cares?" I'm not really sure why it helps, but it does. I pull Emily up onto the narrow seat with me. It's really small though, so we basically have to wrap our arms around each other to both fit side by side. "Good enough," I mutter, and close my eyes.
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In my sleep, I can feel Emily with me. Her warmth giving me a light to cling to. That light is immediately blown over by an army of rail units. I see the battlefield. The enemies. Their weapons tearing through my flesh, destroying my entirety in an instant, my pathetic weakness completely useless in the face of their overwhelming power. As they crush me into endless nothing, I scream out in agony, flailing and leaping away to anywhere that may offer safety. Meaningless colors fly across my eyes. I flip and stumble and fall. A hard crack resounds through my brain.