The whole next day is weird. After restless sleep with my nightmares turning in on themselves in strange ways that are hard to remember when I wake up, I somehow find myself back home, in bed with Emily. No idea how I got here. Did Reena bring me home somehow?

As we get up and have breakfast, I can't shake the lingering sadness that hangs off of me. And it gets worse any time I think back to yesterday, to all the things I had to face. But I can't just push them away now. Reena told me, I can't ignore those feelings. It won't make them go away, it will only make things worse.

So instead, I cry. In the middle eating. When Emily is doing my hair. Talking to Marrianne and Kerra before leaving, and when John is carrying me to work. When thoughts of yesterday surface for any reason, I just start crying. The water mana makes it worse, but it hardly matters, it's so bad I'd be crying with or without it. Everyone keeps asking what's wrong, and all I can really tell them is that I went through a lot yesterday and it's still bothering me.

I can't work up the courage to talk to them about it though. I don't have Reena to put me back together if I completely come apart again.

During my classes, it isn't quite as bad. Claire's math lessons are really interesting and I get so engrossed in them, I only randomly start crying a few times. When I do, she just pats me on the head until I calm down, then moves on with the lesson.

After class, Eryk watches me closely for a little while, like he isn't sure what to do. Unfortunately, that also sets me off and I end up sobbing at his table, until he tries to distract me with work. Takes me into the back of the workshop and shows me a whole bunch of new metal samples he's been working on over the weekend.

I just nod and smile, listening and looking them over, giving my thoughts here and there. It's nice, but it's over too soon. John takes me back home, where I sit and read through my night's homework between more random bouts of sniffling and crying.

Still... it's getting better. Every time, it gets a little easier... All those emotions I couldn't face - All the despair and loathing for everything in my life, especially myself - I can't actually do anything about most of them. Nothing has truly changed. Yet, now that I've stopped lying, stopped telling myself I don't feel it, it all hurts just a little less each time I think about it.

I end up meditating, continuing with my mana practice until Emily gets home. We stuff the money from the rikin she dragged back to town under our beds, then just sit and cuddle for the rest of the night. It helps me feel better. Remember there are good things in this life too.

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Venaday comes, with more crying through my morning lessons. Even though it hurts a little less than yesterday, I wind up breaking down more today, because I have to go talk to Beth later, and just thinking about that brings it all back again. I can't help it. I just keep thinking about Beth. What I'm supposed to tell her. All the feelings I dragged up, and all the things I told her. How close I came to my secret.

I also start worrying that she'll figure it out. So many hints, so many pieces of information that if she put them all together, there's only the one possible answer. It feels like the only reason she hasn't put it together is because she believes I'm human. As soon as she thinks outside of that box, I'm terrified that the real answer will be staring her in the face.

Those thoughts just set me off again. I try, I really do- to keep my focus on the lessons, but thoughts from the other day keep coming. The things I told Beth. The feelings I faced with Reena. And my mounting dread that it's all going to come crashing down when I see her later today. I'm a complete wreck by lunch time, eyes and throat sore from crying so much.

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"Alright, Aria. That's it for the day," Claire announces when she finishes her lunch, while I'm wiping at my eyes one more time.

"Huh? What about afternoon classes?" Why is she ending things now?

"Yes, I'm ending your lessons early today. You're clearly too distraught to absorb much more of this material. I believe it would be a better use of your time to talk to someone about what you're going through, rather than attempting to ignore it and keep drilling this."

"I-I'm supposed to go talk to my doctor after this..." I admit, still staring down at the table.

"Good, you should talk about whatever you're going through. She should be able to help you sort out your feelings. I do hope you're feeling better on Hureday." Then Claire comes around the table and rubs my head briefly. "And try to enjoy the Independence Day party tomorrow, I'm sure it will be a unique experience for you." She turns to Eryk at his desk and excuses herself for the day.

He sees her out, but he has this frown on his face. I know the look, he does it when he's thinking about something that he can't figure out. But he doesn't bring it up, he just strokes my hair and tells me go see Beth.

"Talk out what's troubling you, alright? I hate seeing you sad like this, Aria." He doesn't say anything about it, but I'm sure he's worried about tomorrow. I know it'll be a huge problem if I'm crying like this at the party, but I can't help it. I really have to get through these feelings with Beth today...

"Mm." I nod, and get going. When I leave the refinery, John asks where I'm going and if I want him to take me, but I just wave him off and say I'll go alone. I need some time alone while I walk, I think.

Also, people give him weird looks when he carries me around while I'm crying.

So I walk.

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On my way, I reach into my mark to talk to Reena. I let her know I'm going to talk to Beth. I already know I'm going to have to channel my mark if I want any hope of getting through everything.

"Yes, of course. I'll always help you, Aria."

"What should I even talk to her about?" I wonder. Is she going to be asking more questions? "And what about..." What about her figuring me out?

I have to stop and lean against a building, holding myself tightly to keep from losing myself to my panic, just to consider it.

When I've calmed somewhat, Reena responds in a way I don't see coming. "You should tell her."

"Tell her?!"

"Yes. You were just thinking she has enough clues to put it together. If that happens, you won't get the chance to explain anything. And besides, with all the things we discussed the other night, your next step is talking things through. Really processing everything. She is your counselor, she's the best person for you to work through things with. For that, she needs to know everything."

I know she's right. On both parts, really. Beth figuring out I'm a rail unit on her own would ruin my life. Like I said the other day, I feel like she might care about me enough now to give me a chance like Emily did, but that's only happening if I'm the one who tells her. If I can get through to her, make her understand.

And... I really need to talk to her. Honestly. Without always worrying and having to hide things. That's the only way I'm going to work through all of everything from my past.

I know what I have to do, but...am I strong enough to do it?

"It's not about strength, Aria," Reena responds warmly. "It's not strength that lets you take risks and do things that scare you. Diving out into the unknown isn't strength, it's courage. So you don't need to be strong, only brave."

"...Alright. I'll... I'll try..." With my weak reply, I wipe away my tears, and cover the last of the distance to the clinic. The closer I get, the more the terror claws at me. I'm so scared...

I guess it's time to be brave...