Before I know it, new nightmares descend upon me, and I jolt awake. As soon as I'm conscious of my screams, I cover my mouth to stifle them, biting down on the rag in my mouth. As soon as I get myself to stop, I sit, panting. Unfortunately, there are children all around me, looking at me with frightened expressions.
"Aria, are you ok?" Emily asks from her bed. When I glance around briefly, it seems that all six beds are filled now. I wipe the sweat from my forehead and let the balled up cloth drop from my mouth.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just have nightmares."
"Nightmares? They look real bad." All the other kids nod.
"You don't need to worry about it. I'm really sorry if my screams disturb your sleep." I bow my head down so I won't have to meet their worried gazes.
Without much more discussion, I lie back down. I put the balled up cloth back in my mouth. It seems like it stifles my screams enough that they'll only bother my roommates. But it's still going to bother them all night... I sigh, still tired. Even as I slip back to sleep, I have a bad feeling.
It doesn't take long for that feeling to pan out. It seems like sleeping my first night in a scary new environment, without any trace of the warmth or love that helped me before, my nightmares surge more powerfully than usual. I wake up over and over, biting down my cries as best I can each time. Even if I don't want to bother the other children, I know it can't be pleasant for them.
The first night is absolutely brutal. I lose count of how many times I wake up before the night is done. At the second bell, the children begin to stumble out of the room. They clearly didn't sleep well because of me. Emily sits up in bed. She still looks tired. I'm so groggy it's hard to sit upright to look at her.
"I'm really sorry," I bow and apologize before she even says anything.
"It's fine, the first night is always hard." She looks concerned, but surprisingly understanding for some reason.
I shake my head. "No. I'm sorry, it's like that all the time." All I can do is keep apologizing.
"All the time?" her understanding look disappears.
"I guess last night was pretty bad, but it's basically like that whenever I close my eyes," I explain. I can see the real, shocked understanding dawn on her.
"A-all the time?" she stammers. "How do you sleep at all?"
"Not very well." I shake my head. "I'm really sorry. I don't want to disturb anyone else's sleep, but there's nothing I can do about it."
I manage to stagger up from my bed. I feel all sticky from sweating so much last night. Without Marrianne to help, I'll need to wipe myself down so I don't get completely covered in filth and rub it all on my clothes every morning. But I don't have easy access to water here, so I can't actually do that.
Last night really was very bad, I can tell I hardly got any rest at all. It's hard to keep my eyes open, but I move forward anyway. I need to see how breakfast works here. I'm really hungry from missing lunch and dinner yesterday, so I need to make sure to get some food today.
Even though I'm thinking that, it's hard to walk right. My stomach really hurts from lack of food. And maybe because I haven't gotten proper food or rest, the pain from my face and butt haven't gone away yet. When I stumble, Emily moves to catch me.
"Woah, are you sure you should be on your feet? You look terrible."
"I need to get food, I don't know how you do breakfast here," I explain.
"Right, you missed dinner so you must be really hungry. Come on, let's go downstairs."
"Thank you," I say. Even if I don't want to burden her, Emily stays close as we head downstairs in case I stumble again. When we reach the staircases, Emily giggles as I carefully slide down each step. She's big enough that she can walk down the stairs, even if she looks kind of wobbly doing it.
"You're really small, how old are you anyway?" she asks.
"I'm seven, but I'm really small for my age."
"Seven? I'm seven, there's no way we're the same age!"
"Well you're big for seven, I thought you were eight," I respond. It's not by choice I'm so small...
I finally make it to the bottom of the steps as we talk. After a circling through the second floor, I painstakingly climb down the next flight to the first floor. I'm way too tired for this... We walk over into the kitchen, where it looks like a few of the older children are preparing food. They have a big pot and they're throwing all sorts of things into it. Another child is lighting a fire in the hearth. I briefly watch their quick movements before Emily tugs on my sleeve to continue. We keep walking, soon arriving in a room totally packed with kids.
It looks so different that it takes a while to recognize that this is the room with the table and chairs. "This is the dining room, it's where we eat our meals." I nod to her explanation.
We find a couple seats and sit down. Kids speak quietly around us, but we're really tired, so we mostly sit quietly as I drowse half awake. In a little while, the food is ready. They pass out wooden bowls of something. It looks kind of like soup, but thicker. "What is this?" I ask Emily.
"Stew," she answers while blowing on hers to cool it down. "You haven't eaten stew before?" I shake my head. It's kind of dark colored, with a thick liquid throughout, and a bunch of chopped up vegetables of different sizes. There are a couple I recognize, like carrots, but the vast majority I can't identify at all. There are so many different kinds of foods. I consider that as I blow on my food as well. When I look around and see everyone eating, it makes me really glad that I can kind of use a spoon now. They can all eat with their spoons so well, it would be bad if Marrianne hadn't taught me how. I continue blowing on the hot stew for a while.
Eventually, a few thoughts surface. There are a few important things I really need to know as soon as I can so I don't wind up making Mister Fredricson angry the way I did yesterday. "Hey, Emily."
"Yeah?"
"There are some things Mister Fredricson said that I didn't understand. Could you explain some of them to me?"
"Sure, if I can anyway," she gives a kind of worried smile.
"Umm, first..." I think back on the conversation I had with Mister Fredricson the other day. It's a bit hard when I'm so tired, but I force my brain to work through the memories. "He said I would need to do household chores, what are those?"
"Mmm, basically just cooking and cleaning," she tilts her head and says it like it's obvious. "Haven't you done household chores before?"
"Uhh, not exactly. I've cleaned, but I've never cooked before. I've seen it done though, so I should be able to manage..." I mumble. I feel like the hardest part would be reaching the counter to actually do the cooking.
"You don't need to worry about cooking though, that's for the big kids to do," Emily explains. With my biggest worry dispelled, I breathe a sigh of relief. Then I look back to the food in front of me. After making sure to blow on it, I slowly take a test bite of the stew.
My eyes open at the taste. "Wow, this is pretty good," I say. I look at Emily, but she's giving me a strange look. It's kind of bland, but the vegetables inside have some flavor. It's nothing like Marrianne's cooking, but of course I'm not using that as a comparison because nothing can compare to her food. Rather, compared to the food we ate in the AR program, this is worlds better. The thick liquid has an odd gritty, chunky texture against my tongue too; I don't really know what to think about it. I take another spoonful and eat it happily. I never expected the food here to be so much better than the AR program!
"Oh, I got sidetracked," I say when I snap out of my happy daze. That makes Emily giggle awkwardly as she eats her stew.
Oddly, it looks like she does it automatically, without really savoring it at all. "Uhh, the next thing was... what does 'steal' mean?"
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"Steal?" she raises an eyebrow with a concerned look.
"I think he said not to steal, but I don't know what 'steal' means. I don't want to do it by accident and make him mad again..." I sigh at the thought.
Emily blinks a few times. Her look says she can't believe what she's hearing. Is my question that strange? It makes me worry for a moment that I asked something too weird. I don't know what sort of things it will make her think about me.
"Ehem," she suddenly clears her throat and shakes away her surprised look. "Stealing is taking something that doesn't belong to you," she explains it pretty simply.
"Huh..." I consider that for a bit. Taking something that isn't yours... Wait, didn't I do that with those cleaning supplies? Of course they weren't mine, so does that make it stealing? "Wait, does that mean I stole that broom and things?" I ask, suddenly really worried.
"Huh?" Emily doesn't seem to understand.
"Well, Mister Fredricson told me to clean the house yesterday, so I got a broom and some rags and things from the storeroom to clean. That's stealing?" From living with Marrianne, I thought the things in the storeroom were for using to do things you needed to do. Like cleaning the house.
"No no, that's not stealing," she laughs. "You just used them to do your job. As long as you put them back once you were done, it's fine." Oh, so it was basically how I thought it was, that's a relief. No wait... I feel the blood drain from my face.
"Wait, I didn't put everything back. Mister Fredricson sent me to my room before I could put back a cloth and a stick. Does that mean I stole them?"
That one seems to worry her more. "N-no, I mean, you didn't mean to. You only had them because Mister Fredricson didn't let you put them away. As long as you put them back like you're supposed to, it's fine." I release a relieved sigh. Stealing seems strangely complicated. Whether something is yours, or a tool you should have access to for a job, whether you put it back, taking complications into account. There really is a lot to it, isn't there? As I mull over this complicated new concept, I take another bite of stew. This one has a new vegetable. Ooh, it's kind of sweet and tasty.
I'm getting sidetracked by food again. I turn my thoughts back to our conversation. So stealing has as much to do with what you want to do with the thing you take as it has to do with just taking it in the first place?
From what I understand, it seems like you're stealing if you take something but have no intention of giving it back. It's weird when I think of it. Why would you want to keep something like that exactly? I can't really get any further with these thoughts though. So I swallow my food and move on.
"The next one is about-" Something feels off. Like I have no energy somehow. Like an unknown emptiness I have no way of understanding. Like nothing I've ever experienced.
Then I'm looking at a ceiling.
"What?" the word leaves my mouth without a thought.
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I don't know this ceiling. I try to move, but my entire body feels heavy. Not tired, or sluggish, or anything like that. Heavy. Like my arms and legs weigh far more than they should. I can barely make them move at all. I was just in the dining room eating. Why am I here now? Did I fall asleep? No, I don't remember falling asleep. I don't remember, well, anything. There is no gap between that strange feeling and looking up at the ceiling. What's happening?
I look around slowly, barely able to turn my head. I'm in an empty room with just a few beds in it. There is a window to my right, from the light it seems to be some time in the afternoon. Wasn't I just at breakfast? How long has it been exactly? I struggle, trying to slide out of bed, but can't seem to move myself at all. I can move my arms and legs a bit, but when I try to push on the wooden bed beneath me, I can't actually push with enough force to move myself at all.
I'm scared. I realize it suddenly. Between the confusion of what's happening, the place I don't recognize, and being completely helpless and unable to move, fear jumps to the front of my mind. This isn't another nightmare, right? It shouldn't be, nothing particularly bad is happening at least. Still, I'm so scared and confused, I start to cry.
"Hello?" I call out. "Is there anyone here?" When there isn't any immediate response, my chest tightens and I start to cry harder. When the door on the far left end of the room bangs open, it startles me enough to cut off my cries.
"Shut up, you're annoying." It's Mister Fredricson.
"W-what's going on? Where am I?" I ask, feeling the tears welling up again.
He sighs and rolls his eyes. "You fainted."
I try to bring my crying back under control. While sniffling, I ask, "What is fainting?"
"You don't know?"
I can't move my head fast enough to shake it, so I answer, "No, it's never happened before."
"It's when you suddenly lose consciousness. You don't know why it happened?"
"No, I was just talking to Emily and... then I was here. I don't remember falling asleep, or being asleep, or even waking up. I was just... here." I gulp. Saying it aloud seems to make it even more scary.
"I see." He rubs his chin. Then he mutters, "that does sound terrifying..." It's so low, under his breath, he probably doesn't mean for me to hear. "Well, you're awake now. Stop lying around and get up."
"I can't..." I respond. Just thinking about my current state almost brings me to tears again. I can just barely start to feel some energy returning to my limbs, but I still can't really move them much.
"Stop being a baby and get up," he growls as he lifts me out of bed.
"No, I mean I can't-" I try to explain. He drops me on my feet. Then his face turns to shock as I crumple to the floor. I can't exert any force to try and keep myself standing at all. Then my face hits the floor and I can't see him anymore.
Staring at the wooden floorboards, unable to move myself at all, I can't hold back anymore. Tears stream from my eyes. "I can't move!" I cry out. I barely manage to flop my arms a little. I can't see his expression, but Mister Fredricson throws me back onto the wooden bed and turns to leave.
"Just stay there, I'll check on you again later," he says as he practically runs out of the room.
Lying alone and immobile in the room, I just keep crying. I don't know for how long I go on until my cries die down and my tears dry up. Bit by bit, I can feel my energy returning. Two bells pass. I slowly calm my mind. I need to be calm. It's difficult when the whole situation is strange and scary, so I keep telling myself to breathe and be calm. I regain just enough strength in my arms to slide myself slightly on the bed, but that's all I can manage.
I try to squeeze my fists a few times to get the energy to come back. It feels kind of weird. I don't feel tired, not like I did when I woke up today. My muscles don't feel exhausted or sore like when I worked really hard or walked really far. They don't feel injured like when I sparred and had bruises all over. As far as I can tell, they don't feel bad at all. There's just no energy in them at all.
I keep trying to move my hands, getting them energized again, but it doesn't really seem to do anything. The energy is coming back slowly on it's own though, so I eventually give up. Whatever is wrong, it seems that I'm recovering. But what in the world is wrong with me? Does it have to do with my broken manastone maybe? Some other issue from being a broken rail unit that the handlers didn't mention? I glance up at the door to make sure it's not about to open. I don't hear any footsteps nearby either.
With a great effort, I bring up my left arm. I flare my divine gear, just a tiny amount, only enough to check my mana. But nothing happens. I blink a few times. Then I try again. When it doesn't work a second time, I can't take it. My forced calm shatters and I begin bawling uncontrollably again. There's something seriously wrong with me! I was already broken, but now it's getting worse!
I can't stop myself at all. I keep sobbing until it tires me out so much, I can't physically keep it up anymore. My head is swimming, my eyes sting and feel puffy from crying for so long. Even if more energy has come back to my limbs, now they feel heavy from being over-tired again.
My cries finally die out as my head rolls to the side and I fall asleep.
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In my current state, the nightmares begin immediately. Mister Fredricson is holding me up with strings, making me dance around as my arms and legs flop around uselessly, and all the rail units laugh with massive grins. The handlers join in, laughing and pointing at my broken self, beating me with heavy sticks as they always do. But now I can't even attempt to protect myself as they beat me mercilessly, laughing and laughing until I jolt up, screaming in terror and pain.
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My eyes scan the room immediately, my breath coming in gasping pants. It takes a moment to notice that I can move freely again. My arms and legs seem to be working normally, I can move them just like usual. The next thing I notice is the lighting. It I can see it outside the window, already dipping halfway behind the city wall. Has it been an entire day already?
In the next moment, the door slams open. Mister Fredricson rushes in, looking alarmed. "What happened?" he asks, glancing around. My hand goes to my mouth when I realize. Of course screaming like that would alarm him if he was anywhere nearby.
"I'm sorry," I immediately start apologizing.
"What?" He already looks angry again.
"I have nightmares when I sleep." I explain, "They make me wake up screaming, so I've been trying to avoid bothering anyone. I didn't realize I didn't have anything to stifle them with right now though."
He snorts. "Just nightmares? All kids get them once in a while." He waves it off. "It looks like you've recovered enough to move again. It's already night, so go back to your room."
I want to tell him that my nightmares are actually really bad, but it looks like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I just talked back to him yesterday, so I don't want to make him angry like that again. I say ok, and stand up from the bed. I feel perfectly fine. Tired from crying all day, but otherwise fine. No problems with my arms and legs at all.
I walk out of the room with Mister Fredricson following. The next room is his office. So he has a room with beds attached to his office? I avoided his office while cleaning, so I haven't seen much of these rooms before. It looks like there's one more door opposite of the one I just passed through. Then there is the door out to the hall on my right. I walk out into the hall. Everything feels strange. I fainted and spent the entire day in bed? Why? I mindlessly climb up to the third floor and go back into my room. There are a couple kids sitting inside already, but three of the other beds, including Emily's, are empty. I vaguely notice the two children also seem to be girls who look about my age. Maybe the rooms are separated by age? It looks like they're sewing or something, their eyes following me as I enter the room.
Those thoughts vaguely roll around in the back of my head while I walk over and collapse into my bed. I'm really tired from this confusing, scary day. I pick up the piece of cloth still left on my bed, ball it up, and put it in my mouth. I'm not aware of much after that point as I quickly fall asleep.