At church on Shanaday, the nobility announces that the harvest festival is going to be on the thirtieth. That puts it the day I come back from battle... And I can already hear word spreading all through town, walking with Emily through the central district. Then at my usual counseling session with Beth, I have something in mind.

"So, Miss Beth," I start once it's just the three of us. I keep my voice low, even though I know no one will overhear. I could hear the creak of the bench Taylor sat on once he left the room. "My next battle is coming up."

She goes instantly still, muscles visibly tightening. "When?"

"Next Shanaday. If it's anything like past battles, I'll probably get hurt, and I should be back around Arcaday morning. Could you... help me when I get back?"

"Of course," she agrees without any hesitation. "But..." I wait, and she takes some time before going on. "I've been thinking about this, and I have to ask. Do you really need to go?"

"Wha- Yes!" She blinks in surprise. I can't believe she's bringing this up again!

"Aria-"

I scowl at her and Emily takes a short step away from us on reflex. "I already told you I have to."

"Aria," Beth repeats herself, just my name. She takes a slow breath. Her face smooths, hands folding calmly into her lap as she watches me closely.

"What?" I growl at her.

"You're getting angry again," she points out, her voice strangely steady.

"W-well, I!" I stumble when she has no reaction to my shouting. "Yeah!"

"Why are you angry?"

"Because- because you told me not to go! How could you?!"

Beth tilts her head slowly, eyes focused with an inquisitive look. But still perfectly calm. "Yes, and I believe we can discuss this calmly, I've never seen you get worked up like this over anything else. Why do you think that is?"

"I-I don't- Because!" I cross my arms, turning my glare away from her, into the desk at my side. She waits a little while longer, and I start getting restless. Is she going to leave it be? Maybe I should just go? I already told her what I wanted to tell her. I just wanted her to know to expect me to be injured when I get back, since she's always the one who treats my injuries. I didn't want to talk about this! I'm not talking about it again! Why doesn't anyone understand?!

Just as I'm looking around, trying to find a way to excuse myself so I can get out of here, Beth puts a hand lightly on my shoulder, stopping me short. "Aria. I cannot in good conscience let you go off to battle without first hearing from you why you have to go. Yes, you are a rail unit. And yes, your purpose is to fight in the war." If she gets it, why is she questioning me?!

"However." The word is so pointed despite her perfectly calm tone, that I shrink down in my chair a little. "The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. As one of our country's greatest weapons, there are a thousand ways you could be more useful than out on the battlefield. Why don't you do something else instead? You don't have to go to battle to fulfill your purpose, do you?"

"I..." My mind turns, flailing in confusion. "I do. It's what I'm for. It's what they told me to do. I have to."

"Who told you?" she questions.

"The handlers." Over the past weeks, I've told her about them. How they raised and trained us, how they run the program.

"They told you to go and die?" Just a hint of emotion slips into her calm tone, but doesn't show on her face.

"Yeah," I grunt. "Even if I'm broken, I have to be a rail unit. They told me to go into battle and draw fire away from the working rail units. And it's worked. They spent a ton of mana attacking me instead of the others, so we won the first battle."

"That's your purpose? To draw fire? With everything else you can do, why haven't they moved you off the battlefield? I'm a doctor - I don't know the first thing about war, and even I can tell you that's a waste of your potential."

"I don't know, ok?" I clench my fists. It's getting hard to even focus on her words. I just want to stop talking about this! The best I can do is keep my voice down so no one outside hears. "All that matters is that I go! Because that's what I'm for! I was made to fight! It doesn't matter if I have potential for other things, because that's not what rail units are for. We fight other rail units!"

"Then the ones in charge are idiots," Beth declares, as if that matters.

"They don't even like their jobs," I continue to scowl, forcing the words out while I still can. There's a bubble of panic rising in my chest, pushing its way quickly through the anger. "Why should they care about disposable weapons?!"

"So they ignore you? With how special you are? They're really that incompetent?"

"I have to hide it! I don't know what they'd do to me if they knew I'm different!" That's all I can get out before my breath starts to go ragged and my vision clouds at the edges.

"They don't know?" Beth is questioning, when I squeeze my eyes closed. I- I can't- "Aria?"

"Mmng!" I cry, shaking my head rapidly.

"Shh, it's alright," she continues on in her same calming voice, but it's not helping. I whine out more sounds, too overwhelmed to do anything else in response to her, and eventually Emily when she joins in trying to calm me down. They start saying things about tantrums, but I can't listen. I can't do anything, just squeezing my arms around myself with my unbearable emotions screaming in my head, too loud to focus on anything else.

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When my feelings let up enough for me to think again, I'm still sitting with Emily rubbing my head and Beth waiting patiently across from me. "I'm sorry, Aria," Beth apologizes, "I've never seen you throw a tantrum before."

"Mm..." I grumble at her. I know I could get myself to speak again, but after earlier, I really don't want to.

"Now, if you're feeling a little more calm, could you explain what you mentioned earlier? That you've hidden what makes you special for fear that your handlers would do something to you?" She still wants to talk about this?! There's another spark of anger inside at the thought, but I'm so drained that I can't quite get worked up like before. She clearly reads the disbelief from my face, because she says, "You may not be aware since you aren't like other children, but throwing a tantrum does not get you out of talking about things. If anything, it's more reason to talk things over. Calmly. Now, could you explain what you meant earlier?" she insists, one hand coming to rub my cheek gently.

"Don't wanna," I grumble, turning away from her hand and hunching down in my chair. That gets her to draw it back, folding it with her other in her lap again.

"I understand that, but this is important, don't you think?"

I stare at the floor. "Don't know."

"How about this? I'll take a few guesses and you tell me if I'm right?" I grunt back to avoid giving her an answer, but I guess she takes that as a yes, because she goes on. "Ok, so... You've said how your handlers hurt you in the past. So you're keeping things from them because you believe they would hurt you more if they knew." That's pretty much right. Rather than saying anything, I wrap my arms around myself and frown.

Again, Beth reads that as as confirmation. "Yes, that is understandable. Of course you wouldn't trust people who have hurt you all your life to suddenly turn around and be better to you." She pauses for some time, thinking. "It's probably too optimistic of me to say things could change for the better given the new circumstances. If you were to tell them and it went badly, then what would happen...?"

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

Then they throw me out.

I watch as Beth thinks, expression slowly growing darker, and I can tell she's finally come to the same conclusion. All she does is look me in the eyes, and she knows. "Oh." She bites her lip. "With your history, I see how it makes sense to be cautious of your handlers' response rather than simply hoping for the best. Still... I feel like you have a lot more to gain than you do to lose, don't you?"

With Beth's suggestion, all I can do is blink at her. How could I possibly have more to gain here? She spots my confusion and explains. "As it stands, they intend to use you in battle until you die, yes? If you tell them and it goes badly, the worst case scenario is that they, well," she struggles for a moment, but makes herself say it. "They may dispose of you. So, death. But-" she immediately adds without missing a beat. "If it's death either way, then you only have something to gain from trying, right?"

I see what she means, but at the same time... Still staring at the floor, on a spot just past Emily's feet, I grumble, "No." Then I shake my head. It takes a lot of effort to make myself keep speaking, even if just in little clipped bits. "I don't trust them. They're bad. I trust Effy. She said we'll survive together."

"Effy is..." Beth murmurs. Did I forget to tell her about Effy? I don't know, I can't recall right now, barely able to think past all the awful thoughts and feelings. When I don't answer, Emily speaks up to explain for me.

"Effy's... another one of the rail units. After their first battle, it started going out into town like Aria. They've met a couple times between battles. Like, yesterday morning."

Beth stiffens. "There's a functional rail unit wandering the city?"

"Don't talk bad about Effy!" I nearly shout, then glare at both of them. "She's really nice!"

"A-ah," Beth sputters, and both of them offer apologetic looks after my outburst. I feel hot tears behind my eyes just thinking about it. I know humans would be terrified of Effy unlike me, since she's way more powerful and dangerous than I am. But still! I've already told them how we're not a threat to the people in this city, so that goes for Effy too!

While I'm still grumbling angrily under my breath, Beth gets back on topic. "So, you believe in Effy, but not your handlers, and you would rather throw your lot with it, rather than them? You think that's your best chance for survival?"

I hate the way they refer to her. It reminds me how we're not people and if they didn't care about me so much, they'd act the same way to me. Even so, I return a few angry nods to confirm Beth's thought. I trust Effy to protect me in battle infinitely more than I trust the handlers to not throw me out just because they're awful, terrible people who can't be bothered to deal with me being different and would rather get rid of me because it's easier for them.

"So that's how it is..." Beth sighs. "You think going to battle is your best bet at the moment, compared to trying to reason with your handlers. And avoiding the situation entirely isn't an option? Do they have some way to find or punish you if you simply don't go back?" Her suggestion draws another burning glare, which she weathers like it's nothing. "Is that a yes or a no? Come on, Aria, I'm just trying to help you explore all of your options."

"That's not an option," I snap. Her brows furrow, clearly displeased with my tone, but I don't care!

"Yes, you've mentioned that before. I understand that as a rail unit, you have duties humans don't. But does your duty as a rail unit truly outweigh the value of your own life?" I stare at her, dumbfounded. My life doesn't have any value. I can't even find the words to begin expressing how absurd the question is. Yet she somehow goes on. "Just look at all the people around you, how many of us would be sad and hurt with you gone. I already told you - how scared I am for you. Do you remember that?"

It was only few weeks ago, of course I remember. But, but... Me dying, it's not like they'd be sad because my life matters, it's just that they care about me. It would be the same as Emily's favorite knife breaking. Right? She would be sad because she cares about the knife, not because the knife itself matters at all...

I'm stuck in my own head so long without giving any response, that Beth sighs. Yet, she just waits patiently, until I look up at her. I still have no idea what to think or say, how to address her crazy thoughts. I open my mouth to try, but can't get anything out. I can't form any coherent thoughts through my confusion.

Beth finally does speak again once it's clear I can't. "Oh, sweetie... What's got you so confused? Come on, talk to me."

Before I can come up with anything, Emily goes, "Oh!" and draws Beth's attention. "She actually mentioned this." Then her expression turns awkward and starts to darken, as she begins explaining. "Back when she first told me about being a rail unit, she told me how her life doesn't matter. Because, you know, how she's just a weapon, but she's broken, so..." She trails off at that point, staring at the floor uncomfortably. And then suddenly perks up again, speaking to me this time. "But I don't believe that at all! Your life has value to me!"

...What?

Emily hugs me tight while I'm still sitting in shock, clueless on how I could process what she's saying. "Aria," Beth join in, "I... can see how as a rail unit, you could consider yourself worthless. Especially as a broken weapon, comparing yourself to other rail units your whole life." She clenches her jaw slightly as she speaks, the pain in her eyes telling me she didn't consider this before. "Even if you aren't human, that doesn't mean your life has no value. Your value comes from those around you, all the lives you've touched. All the wonderful things you've already done, and the things you'll do in the future. Do you understand that?"

I wrap my arms around myself, a few tears leaking out as I stare down into my lap. I don't get it. My life, valuable? How?

"Aria..." Beth coos, stroking the top of my head softly. It's way more comforting than it should be, especially since I'm still so mad at her, but I can't make myself pull away. She actually said my life has value, even though I'm just a rail unit. Not just to her, but actual value...

When I manage to calm down a little, Beth retracts her hand and fixes me with a faintly sad look. "So as I said, your life does have value. I believe you are valuable enough to leave behind the rail unit program, even if it means shirking your duties."

I bite back my anger and hide it inside this time. I can't let it show, not now. Not when she's saying this because she cares about me so much. Instead, I just shake my head. "I can't do that." No matter what, I have to be a rail unit. No matter the value she says I have, I have to do my duty. If I didn't then, then

I shake my head again. "I'm sorry, Miss Beth," I say as evenly as I can manage. "No matter what, I can't stop doing what I was made for. Anything else but that. It's the one thing I will never budge on. I can't."

Then I notice Beth and Emily giving me weird looks. It's just for a moment, before Beth sighs, and finally backs off. "Fine, Aria. This must be a lot for you, all at once. I'll bring it up again later, once you've had some more time to think things over. For now, if you really do intend to continue going off to battle, you better do everything in your power to come back alive. I don't care what you have to do out there, just come back to us, alright?"

"Mm," I nod.

"Now, I'll probably have to patch you up again. So, I'll be here in the morning, extra early. Come here as soon as you can, alright?" I give another mumbled nod, and Emily rubs my back a bit more.

Then she looks up and asks Beth a question. "What if she can't make it? I had to carry her in from outside the north gate once." Since I'm still not thinking very straight, it takes Chisa nudging me with a thought, to speak up and tell them that her or Riko let Emily know if it comes to that. Beth questions who I'm talking about, but I'm not up to explaining. And Emily looks conflicted at the thought of doing it for me, not knowing that I've already mentioned soul magic to Beth.

When that doesn't go anywhere, Beth instead returns to planning for next week. "I expect to see you in here as soon as you get back, one way or the other. Don't die out there, Aria. You're far too important to lose your life off on some meaningless battlefield..." She rubs my cheek again, and I finally smile a little. We stay like that for a bit, before she pulls back.

"If that's all for today, I guess I should send you on your way. I'll see you in a week. Now Aria, could you wait outside? I have something I'd like to talk to Emily about."

Both of us pause at the unexpected request. "Uh, me?" Emily questions.

"Yes. It shouldn't take long."

"Alright..." She sounds a bit wary actually, but gently helps me out the door into the front. I'm still spinning in my own head, unable to even decide if I should sit or stand or... or... I don't know. Before I've even been able to figure that much out, the door opens again and Emily comes out. I almost want to ask what that was about, but immediately stop myself. Obviously it's something between them since Beth had me stand outside. Emily hugs me to her side, which helps me feel a bit better.

From the doorway, Beth waves, and Emily walks me out. I'm feeling a little weak in my knees, and tired from all the ups and downs. I end up having Emily carry me on her back part of the way home, where she puts me down for a mid-morning nap.

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The rest of Shanaday passes in much higher spirits. All the things I talked about with Beth roll around in the back of my mind as I stick to my normal weekend things like sitting around, meditating, playing a few games, and sewing here and there to keep my new clothes patched up properly.

Thankfully, I remember to head out in the late afternoon when I think of it, making a quick trip to the garrison. I give Frank another quick warning that there could be trouble in the forest in 'about a week,' since I don't want to be too specific. He wouldn't have to be a genius to notice I keep giving him times that match up with our battles. Maybe he'll think it's more related to the harvest festival than the battle, since everyone in town is talking about that today...

I'm grateful when he accepts the warning seriously. I don't think there were any issues in particular when Avara and Hilde came to help me after the last battle, but it doesn't hurt to be careful. I quickly head home for dinner after, not wanting to stick around the garrison - or Frank - any longer than I have to. I know he's not as bad with secrets as I used to think - he's protected me from prying nobles before. But I can just never be comfortable around him for some reason.

It's another quick trip north to get home. There are noticeably more people around I have to avoid on the way, but using the evening crowd makes it no problem. I continue to sit around after dinner, my thoughts turning ahead to the battle bit by bit.

I start to get restless when it's time to sleep, so Emily tells me another bedtime story. It's just a silly little rhyming one a about a house cat. Her soft, soothing voice soon eases my worries and puts me to sleep.