Theodore was full of rage while he spoke about Seraphina, and it seemed like no trace of sympathy was left here. “Everything she said was a lie. In reality, she just wanted to gain more power by harming you. If I did what she said, there would be no more fights, and she could have her way all the time. That was her true goal. She saw I did everything I could for you and wanted that for herself. She just wanted to control me and knew that you would always be more important to me. So, she pulled out all tricks that you can imagine. She even drugged me at some point because I refused to touch her. At least I know that she gave me a drink, and afterward, I couldn't remember most of that night. That one time was enough to get her pregnant, or it wasn't even my child. I don't know, and it wouldn't change anything. But either way, it should have been obvious that the gods would never grant such a vile woman happiness. She only proved how horrible she was again by using that incident to make sure that I would avoid you even more. She just needed to tell me how awful you had to feel about that, and I couldn't look into your eyes anymore.”
The vacation? Did he mean that?
All of that sounded so different from what Blanche had assumed to be true in the novel. She had been convinced that the main characters' relationship had been more than harmonious. She had also thought that their first night had been romantic and the beginning of countless nights that they had spent together. Knowing that this wasn't the case created some further issues.
After all, she had believed that Theodore and Seraphina were the fated couple for the first six months after she had gotten her memories. Realizing that she, the imperfect Blanche, was still his true love gave her much more certainty.
But what made her worry was how vile Seraphina sounded in those narrations. Had the empress really acted like that?
Blanche could barely imagine it. But it would explain why she had been so cautious around the other woman, no matter how kind the supposed heroine had become. And the motive made sense in a way too. After all, meeting regularly Cedar could easily be seen as proof of Blanche being a traitor, and winning over the emperor was a fast way to gain power. Plus, it was a fact that Theodore had been hesitant to enter the bedroom with Seraphina even in the novel. Blanche also remembered something about some special herb tea, which the empress had allegedly made herself.
Huh.
That didn't sound good.
In the end, Blanche wasn't sure whether Seraphina would be evil enough to actually drug a man to force him to sleep with her. Surely, that would grant her the chance to have the emperor's child, which was needed for the future of the royal family, especially if one believed the current ruler to be threatened. But Seraphina could just as easily have ensured that she got pregnant by anyone else, who might have had similar features as the emperor, while just making it seem like she had been with Theodore. That sounded more like her than forcing her husband to sleep with her. Blanche didn't dare to say anything about that though. She just waited for her lover to continue speaking.
Theodore kept his eyes glued onto her face even though it was obvious that he was full of shame. He swallowed and tightened his hold on her hand before resuming. “You remember what happened last. You met her for tea, and that wretched person framed you for trying to poison her. I wish that she had drunk that for real. But of course, she didn't when she was the only one that knew about the poison in the first place. She had her brother steal your favorite piece of jewelry, your butterfly, so that he could place it in a random pharmacy. She bribed the man from the counter, and he testified, and immediately, the court was convinced that you had bought the poison there. If anyone had stopped to think about that, they would have noticed that it was absolutely ridiculous. No one would poison someone while they are sitting in your room, and if so, the poison would have been there and not in the kitchen where I found it. The butterfly wouldn't have been split in the middle with one part in your room and one part in the pharmacy. It didn't make any sense. But she managed to convince everyone of that with just a few words, and you were arrested.”
Blanche felt like some puzzle pieces came together as she thought about that. The picture only seemed to get uglier with each moment though.
Theodore closed his eyes for a moment and tried to loosen his grip on his lover's hand but involuntarily tightened it again a second later. “That one crime wasn't enough. She came up with a dozen different things. Assassins, ordering people to hurt her, stealing her things. It was always the same scheme. She blamed the most obvious person and then falsified enough evidence to convict a whole village. She even made it seem like your goal had been to poison me from the very beginning while acting like you loving Cedar was the reason. She prepared so much evidence that it must have taken months. And the idiot that I was believed every bit of it. But still, my heart belonged to you, and that almost made me go crazy. I asked myself how I could love a person that had allegedly betrayed me, but the answer was always the same. I simply loved you, and nothing could ever change that. And that made me angry. I didn't let it out on the person that deserved it though.” His hold on her hand became crushing, but she didn't pull away.
Blanche interlocked their fingers and stroked her thumb over the back of his hand. It was just a small motion, but it made him tear up again.
Theodore took a few seconds to regain his composure and silenced a few sobs before he resumed. “Instead, I pushed you away and spouted a thousand lies after the other, even though I knew that it would only hurt you as much as it hurt me. A part of me wanted you to hate me so that you would be fine with going into exile where I could make sure that you were safe from afar. But you never looked at me with hatred. There was only love and sometimes fear. And the latter one crushed my heart. Whenever you were scared of me, I got more angry because the only thing I wanted to do was cry and hug you. I should have done that, and I still can't understand why I didn't.” He continued to speak in an even quieter voice. “When you didn't eat, I thought that I would die of worry. But in the end, my visit only made you hurt more. I wanted to come again, but I knew that I would just end up making it worse. And more than that, I knew that I wouldn't stand one more second of seeing you and hearing you call my name before I would give in and forget all the crimes that you allegedly committed. Time passed, and I purposefully delayed trial after trial because I didn't want to face you. But I couldn't keep doing that forever.”
A person accused of treason would have to be sentenced to a punishment after all.
Theodore tightened his hold on her waist while still crushing her other hand with his iron-like grip. “At some point, I realized that you would be punished if a trial began with all of that evidence. But I could never ever watch that. So, I pardoned you a dozen times. For every single crime. I could swear that Cedar tried to do the same from all the way in confinement. Somehow, the letters always disappeared before they could reach the right person, and still, I didn't piece the truth together. So, I gave you countless chances to flee. The guards dropped keys onto the floor, or no one was there while the door hadn't been locked. You never tried anything though. And after a short while, that witch always sent someone she trusted to make sure that no one could let you out. I still tried to go against that. I sent Leon there to get you out. In the end, the offer wasn't bound to any compromise anymore. I just told him to ask you to accept going into exile. You refused.” He couldn't quieten the sobs that followed after that.
Blanche hurried to begin stroking over his face with her free hand while trying to keep herself from crying. She remembered those events in a rather vague manner. What she did remember more exactly was Harris visiting her in her dream and telling her that he would help Cedar get her out of the cell. With all the new information, this made much more sense. Blanche knew that Harris had promised that they would save her. Then she had begun to eat again to get some strength after previously refusing to consume anything. But she had stopped after each bite had felt like she was swallowing acid because her heart had ached too much for it to be endurable. She had given up on living at that point.
Shortly before that, Theodore had told her to accept an offer that would allow her to survive if she just confessed in front of a trial. She had refused that one. And while he had claimed that it was a one-time offer, she remembered seeing Leon, who had desperately asked her to just accept, countless times.
But she had never even considered a life in exile once. Living with the knowledge that Theodore had wanted her far away from him so that he could continue his own life without her had seemed too horrible.
Maybe she had begun to delude herself into being the villainess back then already too. Maybe she had started to think that her death would create a happy end while being too cowardly to admit that she just hadn't been able to stand the pain.
Just thinking about that made her heart ache, and she buried the memories of the cell deep inside her. She still knew exactly where it was, and she would never go see it. That had been why she had refused to even consider entering one of the doors in the cellar. It seemed like more of her actions had inwardly been steered by her past than she had noticed.
When Blanche noticed that her lover was a bit calmer again, she whispered to him. “We can take a break, you know? If you want to relax for a while until we continue, that is fine. I can see that you aren't in the best mood right now. Maybe resting a little would be better.”
Theodore shook his head. “No. I want you to know everything. If I delay it, I will feel like I am keeping secrets again. I don't want that. You should be aware of everything that happened in those horrible two years after you...” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as she stroked over his hair. “The trial happened then. I wanted to take over, but once again, she got involved to prevent that by saying that I wouldn't be able to judge clearly. And she was right. I would have found some way to get you out. But of course, she effectively got rid of that alternative and used her own judges. Once during the trial, you said that it wasn't a real one since everyone there just blamed you without wanting the truth. That everyone was just silent after that proved more than enough. Back then, I should have just ignored what others were saying and ended it right there. I was always seconds away from doing that when you looked at me, but I never dared to. The only thing I managed to do was get the judges to offer you exile again. And you said that you would rather be executed in front of the whole courtroom. No one could change the judgment after that. Of course, I should have just done it anyway. No one would have been able to stop me, but I was so, so stupid.”
He began crying harder at that, and Blanche moved forward to cradle his head. It wasn't surprising that she had reacted like that. The option of living on with more pain than she could handle was there, but for someone like her, it would be impossible. If she had to make that choice now, she would say the same thing.
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But it was logical that her lover wouldn't have been happy to hear that response. He had probably expected it but still tried to give her another chance to change her mind. The only problem had been that she could never have considered a life without him in the first place.
The concubine patted his head and hummed to him before whispering. “That choice was obvious. But you gave me the other alternative, so you don't have to blame yourself. I chose this way multiple times, and the rest was just the result of our laws. Later...during the execution, I cried out again, but that was more because I was scared. You asked me then again, and I still said the same thing.”
Even if she admitted that she had truly fought for her life that day. Because she hadn't wanted to die. She had wanted to be with Theodore, but since that had become impossible, her future had been set in stone. Still, her yelling about not wanting to die and asking her lover to forgive her and to distrust the empress had been full of honesty.
And then he had ordered her execution in a cold voice.
Upon remembering that, a shiver ran down her spine. She still hated that nightmare with every fiber of her being, but she gave her best to hide. Unsurprisingly, she wasn't successful.
Theodore gritted his teeth and put both of his arms around her body to pull her closer. “That day, I lost my mind. I conditioned myself to just go through with it like with every other execution while ignoring all my emotions. But then you suddenly stopped struggling. And you told me that you loved me. That crushed the whole facade that I had built up. I jumped up and yelled at them to stop, but...”
She hadn't seen that part anymore. She had only caught a glimpse of his eyes widening and him saying something. But then the axe had already hit her neck, and everything had become black, only for her to wake up in her bed. But of course, Blanche didn't dare to speak up and tried to ignore the aching of her throat. This hadn't happened in this world, so there was no need for her to think about how had wound had to have looked.
Her lover had completely frozen in place as he pressed his face against her chest. This time, he probably truly waited to hear her heartbeat. His fingers dug into the thin fabric on her back as he took a moment to calm down enough to continue. “That was the moment that my heart stopped beating for real. I barely remember what happened that day. Only that I held you for a long time, no matter how many people told me to let go. In the end, there was so much blood on my clothes that I only remember red. I don't even know who brought me back to my room. That was the day the story of the insane emperor was born.”
He paused to swallow and tried to sniffle his sobs. He nuzzled against her, which allowed her to feel his tears on her skin.
Blanche tried her best to console him without interrupting, but that almost seemed to become impossible with how upset her lover was. Still, she tried her best to just hold him and remind him that she was fine again now.
After a minute of silence, Theodore resumed. “The morning after that, I almost killed myself. When I woke up and realized that this hadn't just been a nightmare, I couldn't think clearly anymore. Leon and Owen were there to stop me in time, but just jumping out of a window with my head first sounded so tempting. That's when I first saw you again. You were wearing a white dress, and your whole body was see-through. And you looked at me in disbelief. You tried to speak to me, but your throat was bleeding, and you couldn't utter a single word. I ran toward you to hug you, but you disappeared as soon as I touched you. The whole palace must have heard me call your name. I was completely hysteric. After that, people started calling me insane everywhere I went, and they were right. The only reason I put off ending my own life was because I hoped that I could see you again.”
It should have sounded ridiculous.
But Blanche remembered things that should have happened while she had been dead. She didn't know whether her lover had just seen her because of delusions or whether someone had granted her additional memories to protect her or whether she had been there after her demise. But she wouldn't question it under any circumstances.
Theodore clung to her as if he still feared that she would disappear again and continued to speak in a barely audible voice. “Days passed, but you didn't appear. I went into some barely conscious state and replied with a fake smile when people asked whether I was fine. Some were fooled, but most saw right through me. Maybe because I didn't have any energy left to act. I focused all my attention on working until I collapsed. Leon was the one who dragged me away and told me to grieve properly instead of harming myself. So, he suggested making a grave. I did that. But he didn't expect that I would be so obsessed with that. I spent hours bringing flowers to that place. I let all the plants you liked grow there and even got purple butterflies by luring them in with the flowers they favored. I came daily after it was finished and sat there to tell you about what had happened in the palace.”
For some reason, Blanche knew exactly what that had looked like. She remembered standing next to a beautifully carved gravestone and seeing Theodore lean against it. But she also knew the version with him lying on the ground with blood pooling around him. He had died there. That thought finally came to her, and she quickly pushed it away again to listen to him.
“At some point, Leon noticed that I wasn't going to get better because of this. He confronted me, and we got into a huge fight. Afterward, he went through the evidence of your trial again. He probably wanted to show me how vile you were to get me to let go but noticed that there were a lot of inconsistencies. Leon did the only thing that kept me alive. He hid everything. Because he knew that I would die as soon as I found out. But in the background, he quietly searched for more proof. Leon also watched that disgusting woman from then on and prevented her from approaching me when I had clearly sent her away. He made sure that she wouldn't be alone with my food, which might have saved me from being drugged by that person again.”
The reminder of the fact that he might have been drugged immediately made Blanche upset too, but she didn't speak up in time.
Theodore's voice changed. His emotions changed from grief to rage and made it all too obvious whom he was talking about. “For the first week or so after that day, I didn't see that witch. Afterward, I met her for meals and spent time with her, but I knowingly and unknowingly tried to get away from that woman. I knew that I was never interested in her company in any way and that my heart was longing for you, so that was only logical. But she ran after me. At first, I always reciprocated the attention she gave me and accepted her invitations politely, just because I went along with everything at that time. Even then, I maintained a polite stance without any special friendliness, but I got more distant from her every day. It shouldn't be a surprise, but I never touched her. Even though she tried luring me in a few times, she had to admit defeat on each occasion. She just got more upset each time that I ignored her to spend the night in your room instead.”
None of that sounded romantic in any way. It was so different from “To Be Empress.” Even the resulting emotions had changed fully.
Theodore didn't show a hint of fondness upon reminiscing. He was absolutely devastated. He sobbed again, only to force himself to continue anyway. “I did that because I hoped that I would see you and because I could at least be where you had spent most of your time. I don't know if that made it better or worse, honestly. Somehow, I managed to live on despite my heart aching all the time, most likely because I hadn't given up on seeing you again.” He took a deep breath and slowly dared to lift his head. His face was completely drenched in tears, and his eyes didn't leave a doubt about his suffering. “Then Sefare's trial happened. He was at his limit, and that might have been enough for him to say what he really thought. For some reason, he defended you while boiling with anger about the obvious mistakes in your trial. He bitterly praised us for killing a perfectly innocent person. He showed us the letters you sent to him and how they were actually just like diary entries because you had seen him as some sort of adoptive father.” Theodore didn't give himself a break even when his voice cracked and just continued. “Then I went to meet him in private, and he told me everything. About your past and how you had lived with him. That you had never known about him trying to harm me. That you had only wanted to be my wife... It's obvious what happened after that. I locked myself in your room for a week at a time. When I came out again, Sefare had been poisoned with that same substance that they used on him this time too. I didn't really care much about him when all I could do was struggle to hold on.”
Sefare had actually defended Blanche? That sounded odd. But then again, it made sense if he had already been about to lose his own life. After all, he might have known that this would tear down the usually so strong emperor. If so, he had certainly been correct. As Theodore spoke, he seemed so much more wrathful than the sweet man Blanche loved had ever been.
“But I wasn't the only one who got hurt.” Theodore gritted his teeth as he returned to talking about people he deemed more than unpleasant. “That disgusting person also grieved because I didn't go see her. And her family began to fall apart at the same time. Lady Sophia Ravillot slowly lost her mind after her daughter's death and began to resent her sister out of jealousy. After all, that wretched woman had been pregnant at that time. That caused a lot of problems for the Duremont family, especially since Allen Duremont also got worse every day. He felt guilty for lying and bringing false evidence and began seeing you in his dreams. Of course, I only heard about that much later.”
Blanche did her best to hide the recognition on her face as she heard that. Allen had had nightmares this time too, and he had felt guilty. It was too much of a coincidence. There was definitely something more to that, but she wasn't sure whether telling her lover would be a good idea. If she did explain it to him, she would do it a bit later when he wasn't in the middle of speaking.
That part hadn't even been the only concerning thing about the news. The fact that Sophia had been suffering due to the loss of her daughter had also been clear, but hearing that she would resemble Evelyn in some way was just cruel.
Still, the concubine kept herself from voicing her opinion and listened.
Theodore pressed his lips onto her forehead before moving on to another topic in his story. “And while so much was going on in the background with me barely noticing a thing, I saw you again. First, there was your shadow, or I caught a glimpse of your hair from the corner of my eyes. I wanted to pull you into my arms so badly, and that was why I became so very angry in the beginning. I felt like you had been hiding yourself from me on purpose, and when I reached for you, you disappeared as if to taunt me. Since only I could see you, everyone thought that I was going crazy, and I didn't feel the need to say anything because they were right. So, I did what the doctor told me. I tried to ignore you, whom he called a hallucination, but I didn't manage to do that even for the first time that I saw you again. I was in the ballroom back then, and when I noticed you, I thought that you were an illusion for real. So, I let out all my anger and yelled at you to leave me alone. But...”
The very scene appeared in Blanche's mind just as he spoke. Suddenly, she seemed to remember each detail of how Theodore had faced her that time.
Her lover's voice broke, and he stopped to swallow before continuing again. “You reacted like you were actually listening to me. Your eyes widened, and you backed away as I came closer and asked me why I was angry. And you cried and disappeared when I grabbed you. That's when I first realized that you weren't a hallucination, but when I called for you in despair, it was already too late. And that was the scene you saw at the ball before you collapsed, right? Back then, I didn't have my memories, but upon gaining them, I noticed that that must have been it. You watched me dance and then called for me because you were in pain. But you couldn't speak, and then I had nothing better to do than to make you more miserable. When I noticed and screamed your name, you were already gone. I'm sorry...” He barely managed to press out the last sentence and buried his face in her chest again.
The memory of Blanche's supposed hallucinations during Seraphina's birthday had already come back to her. She remembered that exact same scene. That surely wasn't a coincidence. “I...think I really saw that. But you were the one that caught me as soon as I fell to the ground, you know? You had my back and even hugged me in front of the whole ballroom. That proved how worried you were.”
Theodore mumbled a response without lifting his head. “That was one of the best things I ever did when I didn't have my memories yet. I should have done much more. That I can now do what's right is the only good thing about all of this.” He breathed in and let his face rest on her for a while longer before he moved his head up to look at her. After a short pause, he resumed. “After that incident, I didn't see you for a week and thought that I would snap soon. I just wanted to see you again, and people noticed that. That witch got the doctor to tell me that I was hallucinating until I believed it. That was why I didn't try to crush you in my arms as soon as you appeared on my balcony at night. Of course, I still wanted to touch you and was overjoyed that you hadn't left me. When I was close enough to reach for you, that disgusting insect got involved again.”
Theodore never said the name, but even before he used another insult, it was obvious that he was talking about Seraphina. His voice always got colder when he mentioned her, and his expression became much grimmer.
And this scene he described was vaguely familiar too.