Blanche adored Theodore's affection and his continuous promises to love her no matter what happened. She truly trusted him when he said that and hoped that she had a chance to fix all of this now despite her unhappy arrival here.
But even then, she always remembered one thing that ruined her mood completely.
Theodore still didn't know everything. Once he heard about Sefare, he might change his mind. That was enough to make Blanche want to delay this for another month, just so that she could enjoy Theodore's love still. Keeping quiet about this and just never addressing her past again seemed so tempting when she feared the other option so much that she almost gagged just at the thought. To Blanche, simply not facing the truth would be so much easier.
But in the end, all of this made her so sick that she knew that she had to finish it. Her lover would find out at some point, especially since he knew that she had been used by one of his enemies now. He was obviously waiting for her confession, so she had to do it.
If Blanche had to speak about Sefare, she at least wanted to begin while making sure that her words proved her love for Theodore again. She had to come up with a good speech to make her foolish actions seem merely naive and not vile. So, she returned to her own room for the first time in a few weeks and collected a few items from there, which she would like to bring to the dressing room in Theodore's chambers as an excuse to sit there and prepare her confession. Originally, she had planned on taking only a couple of things as a distraction, but the more she looked around, the more she wanted to take.
“Maybe that clasp would be nice too. I know that I have the other one already, but...” Blanche found herself stalling for time still. She held up her left hand and stared at the accessory there before comparing it with the other one. Both were beautiful and couldn't be replaced with one another, so she was uncertain.
Stella behind her sighed and plopped down on the sofa. “My Lady, we can't carry that much. I told you that we should ask other servants to help. If we're already in the middle of bringing so much, we could immediately take everything. After all, you've been sleeping in His Majesty's room ever since we returned from the vacation. You might as well move in officially.”
The concubine pressed her lips into a line. She lowered her hands while being careful not to drop any of the clasps. “You know that this isn't so easy. Not even the empress lives in the emperor's room. It's never been like that. Me suddenly moving in with him would cause a commotion.” Not that Theodore would mind. Though, the thought of him alone made Blanche's stomach churn as she glanced at the desk.
Stella let her body fall backward and stared at the ceiling while gesturing around in the air. “You really are good at making things complicated. No one ever dared to criticize you living with His Majesty. It's been... Let me think... It's almost been four months. Don't you think that someone would have said something by now? I think His Majesty already considers it your room. He always calls it ‘our’ room when talking about it. To whom aside from you should that be referring? You forgot to correct him at some point too. Just grant him the favor and make it official. The only thing that is missing would be some of your things that need to be transported and the label of living together. That's it.” All of that was true.
But still, Blanche doubted that it would be a good idea to admit that the emperor was sharing his room with someone. She could barely believe that anyone would be pleased upon hearing the most powerful man in the nation decided to let a commoner move in with him. That she was living in his palace was bad enough, and now she would also share his room? That would tip over the full glass, and the nobles would surely start to ridicule them. Maybe they should just keep quiet about this until Blanche was married to her lover. That seemed at least somewhat sensible. “We'll make it official once I'm a member of the royal family, yes? But for now, let's focus on something else.” The concubine took a deep breath and placed the clasps onto the table, where the rest of the chosen items lay. She leaned her hips against the edge of the table and took some time to look around for a moment.
Everything was the same as when she had lived here, and still, she could barely imagine that this had been her room. Surely, the memories were there, but she had already gotten used to Theodore's chambers so much that anything else seemed strange. The contents of the desk on the other side of the room worried her far too much to let her relax upon thinking that though. She might lose the chance to sleep in Theodore's bed if she didn't deal with this carefully. He was ready to listen to her, so she had to do well.
“I am glad that I'm able to sleep in Theo's room now. It's much more lively when he is there. That's why I never missed this room. That is odd in itself. There were so many things that happened here, but I feel like everything fades in comparison to my happiness now. I haven't touched the things here in months, but I didn't miss anything either.” Especially not the stupid letter. Blanche slowly pushed herself away from the table and took a few steps toward the desk. She remembered that she had barely used it even back then and that she had still always insisted on sorting everything in the exact same way every day. Now the things lay there like before with only a little difference. There wasn't any dust, so the servants had to have cleaned it.
The content of the drawers should be the same as before though. This should hide the little proof Blanche needed to ensure that Theodore wouldn't distrust her even when this topic had been the original villainess' downfall.
Blanche stroked her fingers over the even surface of the desk, and still, she found no dirt on her fingertips. She lowered her hand and slowly pulled open one of the drawers. Stacks of empty paper greeted her along with a jar of ink, which was probably half-dried already.
She retrieved both from the drawer and opened the jar, only to prove her theory correct. It wasn't like she needed to write anything outside of Leon's lessons though, so she was fine with leaving it there. She put it back before turning her attention to the paper. She flipped through the pages, with every single one being empty. Blanche frowned a bit as she stared at the items in her hands. That was odd. She had come here to search for one thing specifically, and now it wasn't here? That couldn't be.
Her blood felt like it became ice as she went through the papers one more time. And then she did it a third time. Still, there was nothing but empty pages to be found.
Slowly, the panic began to set in.
Blanche's fingers tightened around the paper as she stiffly turned to her maid. Her throat was barely working when she tried to ask the most important question. “The letter. Where is it?”
Stella sat up with confusion written on her features. “A letter? Which one?”
Blanche whirled around and waved the pages around in the air. She finally found her voice again and almost yelled but managed to hold back and hiss instead. “The letter for Sefare, the one no one can ever read! You wanted to give it to him at the party for the empress' birthday, but then I collapsed. Where did you put it?”
The maid froze as well. “I...” She paled as she rushed to her mistress' side and leaned onto the desk to go through the papers Blanche handed her. She did so four times before looking up at the concubine with pure shock on her face. “I put it inside here! It was in between the other pages, I'm sure! I wouldn't have put it anywhere else!” She knelt next to the desk and began to clear out the whole drawer. But even after she did that, there was no handwritten letter here. Stella, who was still sitting on the floor, turned her head to face the other woman. “It has to be here! Because no one but us two knew, and I didn't take it out. I swear it on my life!”
Blanche's feet were almost giving in, and she shakily held onto the edge of the desk to be able to stand. “Are you sure that you just didn't put it in another drawer? Maybe it's there.”
Stella jumped up and hurriedly opened the rest of the drawers and cabinets. There wasn't anything like a letter there either. The maid became more desperate each time that she remained unsuccessful.
Just then, a knock sounded from the door. Owen spoke up seconds later. “Lady Blanche, is everything alright? There were some strange noises from inside. Please tell me if there is an issue.”
The concubine finally couldn't stand anymore and let herself fall onto the chair. She covered her face with her hands and tried to ignore the growing urge to throw up. “I'm fine. Everything's alright. Thank you, Owen.” That had to be enough. If it wasn't, she would have no idea what to say.
In reality, nothing was alright. That letter proved that she had been in contact with Sefare. Sure, she had also written that she wouldn't hurt Theodore, but this proved that she had worked for the enemy at some point. And someone within the palace had found and kept it. They couldn't have good intentions, or they would have informed the emperor already. This could ruin everything. She should have burned that damned letter after meeting Sefare in the garden. Why had she forgotten about that?
Blanche hoped that she was just mistaken and grabbed the stack of papers to go through it again. She did that twice, but her letter was gone. She lost her strength and dropped the whole stack. The folders clattered to the ground and were a bit too loud.
Owen spoke up again. “Lady Blanche, is there anything wrong?”
Yes. Blanche could barely breathe at the moment, and a lump formed in her throat. She replied anyway after forcing herself to inhale deeply. “It's fine. Please wait outside.”
Seemingly, Owen comprehended her despite her quiet voice. “I understand. If there are any problems, please do not hesitate to call for me.”
Blanche didn't say any more. She just sat on her chair and stared straight ahead as she felt like her life was slipping through her hands like sand. Who would steal such a letter from her room while withholding such important information? Without telling Theodore or even trying to blackmail her? She could only come up with one name. She balled her fists as memories of the novel and the trial came to her.
Seraphina had been the one beginning that damned trial that had accused the concubine of working together with Sefare. She had insisted until the sentence had been execution. Would she try the same? If so, Blanche couldn't let that happen. Somehow, it was hard to think right now though.
Stella was about as devastated as her mistress, but it was definitely for another reason. She sank to her knees next to the desk and looked at the other woman with wide eyes. “I didn't take it out. I promise! I would never betray you like that.”
Blanche nodded in an attempt to make the other woman stay silent, but it didn't help. She could only quieten the maid's desperate promises by replying. “I know, I know.” She didn't manage to press out more than that, but it was enough to finally make Stella calm down a bit.
The servant moved closer to the other woman and began whispering. “But it will be fine, right? Because you only said that you wanted to be on His Majesty's side in that letter. That was what you told me. So, it will be fine.”
Blanche shook her head and pressed her hands tighter onto her face. “I still betrayed him. I helped his enemies. I...wanted to tell him about this, but what if other people...” She took way too long to say all of that and then just stared straight ahead as a mix of grief and anger directed at herself grew in her.
And suddenly, it felt like her mind and body were almost separate. She could barely move as her thoughts began twisting and turning without her ado. Theodore had promised that it would be fine, but she almost forgot that as the vivid memory of him sitting on a chair while watching her execution appeared in front of her inner eyes.
This was horrible. She should have burned that letter. How could she have forgotten something so important? She was an idiot, and now this would come back to bite her. She should have told Theodore about it when they had talked the last time. Back then, he had been able to forgive her lies about her amnesia in an instant. If she had told him about the rest, he might have gotten over it by now. Maybe he would have been able to ignore her past. But by now, he might have already learned about the contents of the letter. After all, she had no idea whether it had been taken months ago or just today.
Whoever told Theodore about this had full control over how to frame the issue. They could either point out that Blanche had wished to end contact with Sefare in her letter or that she had worked for that man without telling her lover. She didn't need to think twice about which story would seem more likely for someone that had broken into her room to steal her things.
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That thought made her fall forward. Blanche had barely any strength left to keep herself upright as she repeated Theodore's words in her mind over and over again. He would forgive her. He had promised that he would. He had sworn that he would always allow her to explain before judging her. If she told him about her deceased family and how she had lived with Sefare for two years, just like she had planned to do it, he might understand why she had trusted his enemy.
He had to. Otherwise, she wouldn't know what to do.
If his eyes ever turned so cold while he was looking at her again, it would kill her.
Stella had moved to sit right in front of Blanche's chair and gently put her hand on her mistress' lap. “It will be alright, My Lady! Some servant probably found it and thought it was trash. They wouldn't dare to read your personal letters. They must have thrown it away.” She tried her best to sound confident, but her trembling voice and her wet eyes betrayed her.
Blanche couldn't even reply. She could only slip off her chair to kneel on the floor and hug Stella, which caused her maid to call her name with worry, before wrapping her arms around the other woman. Maybe someone had really thrown the letter away. Maybe she could rely on that and just delay this matter for a bit.
But she wouldn't.
Just hiding the truth wouldn't help her. Blanche was far too sure. If she had to guess who had gone through her things, it could only be a nosy servant or someone that had been sent by the person that had originally uncovered her past. The one who understood that the concubine had been in contact with the emperor's enemies and had concluded that she had to be a threat.
Seraphina.
If the empress had distrusted her for some reason and had asked someone to go through this desk, she was already holding the letter. She would just be waiting for a chance to use this to prove that the concubine was a traitor. And in the novel, she had succeeded with this. The empress had pushed the villainess into a trial while accusing her of betraying the emperor by helping Sefare, and Seraphina could repeat that if she was the one to inform Theodore. This time, no secondary accusation regarding a poisoning of the empress could happen, but the first part was already bad enough.
So, Blanche couldn't let that happen. Even though the very thought pained her, she had to be the one to tell her lover. And she had to tell Theodore now. If she waited any longer, he could find out another way. And that would be even worse. Even the idea petrified her as she clung to her maid in an attempt to find something to hold onto. Yet, she knew that she had no choice.
It had been her plan for today anyway, so what could go wrong?
Everything.
But Blanche didn't allow herself to think about that for longer.
Stella cradled her head while holding onto her mistress as well. “It will be fine. His Majesty loves you.” She kept repeating that over and over again.
Those were useless phrases that didn't help in this situation at all, but Blanche couldn't help but pray that they were true. She didn't even need Theodore to forgive her completely. As long as he continued to look at her, it would be alright. She just couldn't accept his hatred. If he looked at her with disappointment or grief, she would die inwardly. “Theo...” Blanche's mouth called out without her truly wanting to say anything. Technically, she should take some time to compose herself before facing him. But she couldn't risk it. She wouldn't. No matter what, she had to tell Theodore now. So, Blanche turned her head to her maid. “I need to see Theo. Now.”
Stella was more than surprised as she heard that. Her eyes widened in a panic. “My Lady-”
Blanche knew what she wanted to say. She had the same concerns. But she couldn't just delay this anymore. If she waited, she would lose her composure and try to avoid it again. After all, not acting was so much more comfortable since she could just wait for everything to happen. Acting on her own and trying to get out of this mess had killed the villainess, so a part of Blanche might try to blend into the background still, but this wouldn't help. She had to act. So, she did. “I have to.” It took all of her effort to raise her voice. “Owen.”
Thankfully, Owen hadn't left. He replied to her immediately. “Yes? Is there anything I can do, Lady Blanche?”
Blanche's sight was blurring a bit, and she felt like it was because not enough oxygen reached her brain, but she forced herself to speak. “Please get Theodore here. It's important.” She expected to be asked why, but that didn't happen.
Owen replied in an instant. “He will be here as soon as possible. Please wait for a minute.” That was all he gave her. Then it was quiet.
It felt like the whole room was filled with some suffocating mass that took in all noises. Maybe Blanche just couldn't focus enough to listen too. She didn't know. She only knew that her mind prepared her words for Theodore already. But unfortunately, she just knew what she shouldn't say. Everything the villainess had voiced in the book had backfired. Blanche definitely couldn't beg like when her original self had knelt in the cell downstairs. She had to use other words, so she desperately searched for those. But despite her greatest efforts, it was like her head was empty. Maybe that was why the passing time felt both like an eternity and like a second.
She jolted when someone knocked on the door, and then she heard her lover's voice. “Blanche?” Theodore sounded panicked. Of course. He had probably run over immediately.
Blanche could just hope that he would listen to the very end of her story before saying anything. She took a deep breath while trying to get onto her feet. In the novel, the emperor hadn't liked to see her begging very much, so she would do her best not to do that. Standing was hard, but with Stella's help, she managed to get to her feet. Opening her mouth, she tried to let Theodore in. She was far too quiet. Her voice didn't even reach the door. In the end, that didn't matter though.
Theodore was already getting impatient. “Blanche, are you alright? I'm coming in now.” She wasn't given more than a moment before he entered the room.
Blanche wasn't crying. That was probably her only accomplishment. But still, she stood here while feeling completely lost and stared at her lover while all of her fear rose inside her. She couldn't do anything but look at him with a strange expression that probably somehow seemed blank, simply because her body lacked any strength right now. It could all be over in a moment, and that was what scared her. She told herself that Theodore would forgive her, but hadn't that very idea been what had killed the villainess?
Her lover took less than a second to see that she wasn't alright. In an instant, he shut the door behind him and rushed to her side in utter panic. He pulled her into his arms before she could even speak and immediately searched her for any injuries as he carried most of her weight since her legs had already given up. “Blanche, what's wrong? What happened? Are you hurt?” He put his hand on her cheek, and his eyes roamed over her body. When he didn't find any physical issues, his gaze snapped to her face. “Blanche?”
Blanche had no idea what to do now. She wished that she did, but the villainess had never convinced Theodore with any of her words. Even while kneeling in the dirt in front of him, he hadn't trusted her anymore. Maybe it was foolish, but she still tried to prove that she was loyal. She looked at him despite feeling more than empty and reached for his hand, not daring to demand a hug right now. “I'm sorry. Please forgive me.” She pressed that out with utmost clarity while hoping that he understood this first.
Theodore didn't react as intended. He wasn't calmed in the slightest. Instead, he suddenly looked like she had threatened to kill him. He abruptly pulled her to him and turned her sideways so that she could be as close to him as possible while he was still able to see her face. As he spoke, he was almost tripping over his words. “No, no. Don't look at me like that. Don't apologize. You never did anything wrong. Never. Everything was her fault. And mine. Please don't apologize. What happened? Did you have another nightmare?”
She shook her head. Even though she knew it didn't help him at all, she had to say what he needed to know first. Blanche felt like she was suffocating, and still, she spoke with a shaking voice. “I need to tell you something. You promised that...you would listen, so please... If someone tells you about a...letter from me, I... Let me explain. I put it... I don't know who took it. But...” It was hard to speak. Maybe because it was hard to think. Blanche tried it anyway. “It was... I ended contact with him because I...wanted to protect you. And even if someone twists the story, I...I didn't betray you.” Those were the words she had always wanted to tell Theodore. He hadn't listened before. Would he now? She didn't know, so she let her head fall forward to bury her face in his chest in hopes of gaining some strength that would allow her to explain more.
The emperor stiffened under her before bringing his hand to her chin. With a gentle but firm grip, he forced her to look at him and placed both of his hands at the sides of her face. “I'm sorry. I should have told you, but I wanted to leave you the chance to tell me about it yourself. I found the letter.”
And just like that, everything changed again.
A cold shiver ran down Blanche's spine as she stared at her lover with wide eyes. He had read it. Who had told him? She opened her mouth to apologize and tell him that she loved him, but no voice came out, and her throat ached. Blanche couldn't do anything but tighten her hold on his clothes. She wanted to tell him so much so desperately, but all of her attempts to speak ended in only hoarse bits of her thoughts reaching him. “I should have told you before. But I wanted to do that now. Please... Please, I... Listen. I can explain everything. You promised that you-”
Theodore shushed her and placed his hand on the backside of her head to pull her closer to him. “Yes. I promised, and I will never go back on that. It's alright. I'm not mad. I never was. I found it after you collapsed at the ball. That was months ago. You don't have to be scared. I won't ever be angry.”
Blanche froze in place and tried to lean back to look at his face. After a small struggle, she managed to convince him to let go so that she was able to make eye contact.
Theodore was shaking. Though, he wasn't angry. He was upset, but it seemed like that was more because of her current mood and not because he was hurt by an alleged betrayal. Last time, he had executed her for this. Hopefully, it would be different now. Her mind still refused to comprehend this, but her heart was already pounding in her chest. Theodore wasn't glancing at her with disgust or fury.
For a little moment, Blanche thought that she could calm down now, but then the realization sank in. He was way too kind. That he forgive her without batting an eye only proved that he loved her more than anything once again. Theodore believed her this time. She couldn't help but sob at that. Her face scrunched up as she tried to hold back, but there was no way for her to win.
Her lover wiped away her tears and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “It's alright. I'm here. I promised that I would never be mad because of anything, didn't I? You can trust me when I say that.” It looked like he was crying too, but Blanche couldn't be sure thanks to her blurry sight. But in any case, Theodore's voice cracked slightly while he spoke, and he settled for pressing a dozen kisses on any spot he could reach.
Blanche's tension slowly faded away and left her as a sobbing mess as she collapsed against him. Theodore didn't hate her. This had been the only one and also the greatest hurdle that had still endangered their relationship. But he didn't push her away. He still held her in his arms and consoled her. She couldn't believe her luck. “I love you...” Aside from wailing that over and over again, she didn't know what to say. Her speech had to have been completely slurred, but she seemed to have brought her point across.
Theodore seemed to understand what she was saying without any problems. Each time that she tried to say that she loved him, he returned it. While they repeated that a hundred times, he slowly put his arm under her legs and the other one under her arm to pick her up. He carefully balanced her in his hold to bring her to their bed.
Stella hurried out of the room and closed the door behind her after Theodore looked at her for a moment.
Thus, the couple was alone, and Theodore immediately made use of that by wrapping Blanche in her blanket and setting her down on his lap. He began stroking over her head and whispered to her. “Everything is alright. I'm with you, no matter what. You can trust me. I'm not angry, and I never was for even one second. Do you believe me, or do you want to hear it again? I fully trust you and know that you love me. I love you too, and no one will disturb us in any way. So, you don't ever need to worry about me leaving you behind or me being upset with you.”
Blanche nodded to everything he said and leaned into him. She still didn't dare to loosen her hold on him. She couldn't risk him letting go of her, even if his hold on her was so tight that it was more than questionable whether he would ever consider that. Blanche wanted to ask so many questions and talk about her past to explain how she had been led astray, but right now, she could barely speak. So, she brought out the question that burned in her mind the most. “When? When did you...”
Theodore spoke in a soft voice and accompanied his sentences with gentle strokes over her back. “After the empress' birthday party. I never left your side while you were unconscious. I still tried to sign some documents during that time, but I wasn't able to read a single sentence without glancing at you. But I tried to do it anyway. I wanted to take some notes and used your desk for that. It was a mere coincidence that I took out that one piece of paper that wasn't empty. I didn't want to read it at first, but I saw my name there and couldn't put it away anymore. So, I read it. Then I put it back at the original spot and pretended to have seen nothing for a while. Though, I burned it after to avoid people finding it and using it against you.”
So, Seraphina hadn't ever read that letter? That was good. In this case, she wouldn't know anything that might make her see the concubine as a threat.
Blanche scanned her lover's face for any traces of anger or disappointment that he might have hidden, but she didn't find anything. He truly didn't seem mad, even though he had every right to be upset. She would have understood if he cried or yelled at her or told her that he never wanted to see her again.
What he showed her now was the reaction that made the least sense. Theodore had already been this understanding when she had told him about her amnesia. He was just too forgiving. He was even the one consoling her when she should be the one trying to appease him.
Blanche let her head rest against his body and nuzzled into him while digging her fingers into his shirt. “Why are you not angry? I...helped those horrible people. I didn't want to, but I...hurt you.” She glanced up at him while speaking and was glad that these words came out somewhat clear. Still, she couldn't finish it. She couldn't actually say that she had betrayed him. That would crush her own heart.
Her lover saw that as a sign to lean forward to kiss her. He was gentle but trapped her for a long time. When he pulled back, he caressed her cheek and responded to her question. “You didn't. You were on my side. You always were. When I found the letter, I was a bit worried at first. But one glance at you while you were sleeping and calling my name over and over again erased all of that. And then I read the letter properly. You wrote that you would never want to hurt me because you loved me and that you would even break off contact with the person that saved your life to prove that. How could I believe that you were betraying me after that? It was obvious that you never wished to hurt me. You even wrote that in the letter despite having been able to use some other excuse that would allow you to distance yourself from that person. But you didn't just try to distance yourself, you also wanted to make sure that he knew that you would never go against me. I knew that you love me, and that letter just proved it once again.”
The concubine felt how she lost even more of her strength and that she was only being held by him now. But she didn't mind that at all. Despite her tears, a smile spread across her face. She reached up to stroke over Theodore's cheek. “Why didn't you tell me that you knew, you meanie? That would have made this easier...”
Her lover caught her hand and pressed a kiss onto her skin. “I'm sorry. But I wanted to give you a chance to tell me everything when it was the right time for you. This matter is important to you, so it would only be fair. That is why I never mentioned this. I hoped you wouldn't notice that the letter was gone and would tell me before that. Theoretically, you did. You explained that you needed to tell me something. And I told you that I would never be angry. Now you have proof. Still, I should have brought up the letter at some point to avoid scaring you like this.”
Actually, Blanche wasn't even mad about that. Since her lover was on her side, she was more than happy. “Thank you for believing in me.”
“That is only logical. You trust me too, so this is the least I can do. I love you, so I will always believe in you no matter what anyone else does. In the past, I made the mistake of not paying attention to that, but now I finally understood.” He began kissing each of her fingertips before intertwining their fingers.
Blanche couldn't keep herself from beginning to cry even more at that. He was still accepting her despite her past. She could finally leave it behind after such a long time of carrying that burden with her. “Theo...” She would have liked to speak without slurring all the words, but that was almost impossible in her current state.
Everything could be good now. She finally believed that, and this might have been a bit much for her.