“If you permit me to ask this, how are you doing, Your Majesty?”
“Is it that obvious?” The empress still smiled when she lowered her gaze to the floor.
Blanche thought that this would be it. But she couldn't even say a thing.
Seraphina resumed speaking in a quiet voice. “You always managed to read my expression, no matter how much effort I put into hiding my feelings. It brought me a bit of...unease. No one else saw it, but you did. You never needed to think twice before knowing what you could do to upset me. And the more you upset me, the madder I was at myself for letting such petty schemes bother me. You never did anything worse than ignoring some unwritten rules and voicing snarky comments. I knew that punishing you would not change much and that your presence shouldn't trouble my influence. But that only upset me more. And when my patience was running thin, I was harsher and wanted to deal out a punishment. Then His Majesty got involved and revoked all of my words, which proved that your presence did trouble me after all and gave you a chance to best me again. It was a vicious cycle.” Her face didn't fit what she was saying. She was talking about their past rivalry, which had caused both women a lot of trouble. Why was she showing such a soft expression while speaking about this?
Why was she even speaking about this?
Blanche wasn't even sure whether she should reply or whether she should be quiet. “I remember, Your Majesty. I apologize for that.”
They were silent after that.
The concubine was almost sure that she was supposed to say something else, but she had no idea what the other woman wanted to hear. She hid her hands behind her back to keep herself from fiddling with her fingers while scanning Seraphina's expression. She had no clue what the empress was thinking right now. Unfortunately, that made speaking up harder too. “I know that I can't make up for that with words, but I truly am sorry. I only-”
Seraphina interrupted her but did it in a tone that was less harsh than expected. “I do not want you to apologize. You did that a hundred times already. I am very much aware that us not getting along was not your fault alone. Our positions were just not allowing us to see each other's perspectives. And I have to admit that I did ruin our first meeting quite a bit, which caused us to start unfavorably. I never did admit it openly until now, did I? But I might not have left a very elegant impression on you.”
Blanche could still clearly remember that. A few weeks after she had arrived, Seraphina had visited to ask about the rumors about Theodore having picked up a mistress and letting her live in the palace. The heroine had met the couple in the garden, and one look at them cuddling had answered all of her questions. Back then, the empress had been Theodore's fiancée, and upon hearing about that, Blanche hadn't been too happy. The concubine remembered glaring at the other woman while clinging to Theodore's arm.
The conversation hadn't gone on for long thanks to everyone's displeasure with the situation. But in that time, Blanche had managed to speak up without being addressed, to ask who the other woman thought she was in a rather unfriendly tone, to call her lover's nickname and to hint that they were sleeping together.
Naturally, Seraphina had pointed out her insolence at some point and reminded her that the emperor was to be respected. At that point, the empress had voiced something along the lines of Theodore not letting anyone see his concubine because that could damage his reputation. That was a completely understandable statement for a noble, even if it had been a bit harsh, but Blanche had instantly responded to this in an even less friendly tone. She had said something about it not being Seraphina's business and the other woman being arrogant. After that, she had said that the emperor was free to do whatever he wanted, which meant that no one could keep him from being with the one he truly loved.
Surely, that had been extremely naive and a childish outbreak, but it had served to effectively ruin every chance of the two women getting along. If someone had to apologize, it was Blanche. She should have realized that no fiancée would be happy to find her soon-to-be husband having an affair even before the wedding. That that conversation would go horribly wrong due to the concubine's explosive temper had been obvious too. So, why was the empress sounding almost apologetic?
Blanche stared at the other woman for a moment before regaining her ability to speak. “I do not know why you should express your regrets when I was the one blowing up. I barely knew a thing about the noble society back then, and while that isn't an excuse, I truly wasn't thinking clearly back then. Still, I am aware that I acted in a manner that was unbecoming of me. So, I should apologize and not you.”
Seraphina still smiled at her, but there was something like regret showing in her eyes. “I told you that your presence was insulting to His Majesty. It would have been strange for you not to be upset. Back then, I only said that to make myself feel better and maybe to anger His Majesty a little, but I did not think about you, even though you were standing right next to us. That was an awful thing for me to say. For those specific words, I would like to apologize. But those phrases mean little when so much time passed ever since then. I only wanted to show you that I made mistakes as well. We can stop having an endless conversation about who should apologize. There were way too many incidents. We couldn't cover all of them even if we wanted to.”
She was acting odd.
Blanche met her gaze with slight confusion. “Of course not. But that is not what an apology is about. I was trying to apologize because I regret what happened in the past and not to make you forget about those incidents.” She was silent for a moment before the next words slipped out of her mouth. “Even if I would like to forget them sometimes. I was acting childish and throwing tantrums whenever I could. I was probably very exhausting.”
Seraphina's smile dimmed as she tilted her head to look at the other woman. “People tend to exaggerate. It was not that bad when I wasn't involved. You never actually made His Majesty dismiss someone even if you had countless chances to do so. You were always thirsting for his attention, but when he was exhausted, you either let him rest in peace or you cheered him up. Aside from your behavior around me, I would say that you didn't do too much except for being brutally honest. And even when it came to me, most things you did were...understandable too, if not very mature and certainly thoughtless. But that was one of the reasons I was always particularly angry with you too. Because I understood why you were acting like that.”
Something was off about her today.
Blanche could only frown at the other woman while unwillingly becoming more cautious. If Seraphina was this friendly, the concubine couldn't trust it fully. “I am rather sure that me not bringing you a birthday present and trying to take your seat at the banquet were less reasonable.”
The empress' response came immediately. “When you refused to show me respect, I knew that it was because you wished to dismiss the role I was holding. You hated being reminded of the fact that I was married to His Majesty. When you purposefully hugged him whenever I came near, I was aware that you were holding onto what you loved. It was clear to see. And that weren't even the worst occurrences. I wasn't happy about what you did at our wedding either. But how else should you have reacted when the man you love marries another woman? I think I was more hurt about His Majesty leaving with you without a single word. He didn't glance at me during the whole ceremony and was stiff the whole time, and I knew it was because I wasn't you.” Seraphina let out an unamused huff. “But then you rushed in, and...he immediately seemed to be eager to run away with you. He didn't look back once while you led him away nor did he apologize to me. I think that was the most humiliating thing I experienced, but not necessarily because of the nobles watching. It was because I realized that my presence was a nightmare for both of you.”
For some reason, Seraphina seemed to be eager to talk about her feelings today. But as soon as she said that last sentence, her eyes sank to the floor, and her expression darkened.
Something was very wrong.
Blanche wasn't sure whether the other woman acted like this because she remembered something or because of that realization in itself. She only knew that she didn't like seeing that expression so suddenly. It made her worry about what the other woman would do. “There is no need for you to think that. Theo agreed to the marriage after all. Your family supported him for the last few years, and you have been a wonderful empress. You involved yourself more in politics than any other empress before you and did your best to help Artias. And the nation improved because of you. You took over many duties from Theo when he was drowning in work. So, we have to thank you.”
Seraphina looked to the side. “A loveless marriage for the sake of political support. That was all it ever was, and that was fine. We were good partners while working together even if we both are stubborn and had many fights. But now there is no chance for us to continue like this. He has not allowed me to fulfill my duties regarding the minimum of political involvement for months.” She slowly turned to the concubine, and her expression softened a bit again. “You did more for our nation in the past year than I did. Your law is perfect in every sense. His Majesty must have planned it all back then already. I should have known. He only ever saw you, and that never changed. But why are you the one consoling me? It's strange. I used to think that His Majesty was the one keeping you in check. But now that I look more closely, it seems like you balance him out.”
Blanche didn't like this. Somehow, hearing Seraphina speak like this made her hairs stand on ends. She almost wanted to interrupt the conversation and just leave, but she couldn't. She could only hug herself and listen in utter confusion.
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The empress paused for a moment as if she could feel the other's hesitance. But then she spoke again, her voice soft and so faint that it might have been carried away by the wind if there had been some. “You could have sent away my maids in an instant. His Majesty was ready to dismiss them on the spot and looked like he might even have chosen a worse punishment. He only gave in because you did not want them to leave. I need to thank you for that. And for saving Grace. But words once again don't mean too much. I will make sure my family pays you back when everything is ready. I do not think that you were ever threatened with His Majesty at your side, but you shouldn't need to worry about political backing if I ask them to be a little more considerate.” The empress lowered her gaze again as her expression became blank. “Even if I'm...” She didn't finish the sentence and just took a deep breath while gazing at something that wasn't in sight.
Blanche watched that for a small moment before her concern grew so much that she couldn't stay quiet. It was obvious that something was wrong with Seraphina today. Normally, the empress didn't show her emotions this openly or spoke this much. The concubine might intrude, but it was worth a shot. “Please pardon me for asking. But is everything alright, Your Majesty? You seem to be rather...” Exhausted. “Different today.”
The heroine replied without looking up. “I thought that my brother was the only one, but it seems to be my turn. I haven't had nightmares in months, and they suddenly came back with full force. It would be nice if this was just a singular incident. But the last time I had them, they came back every night.” She paused and breathed out slowly before gazing at the concubine. “I will have to ask the doctor for the herbs you recommended to me again. They do seem to help. Even if I have no idea why. The most powerful woman in the nation is rendered terrified by a dream. Is it not a pathetic sight?”
Blanche should probably pity the other woman. Her own nightmares had been worse than what any others could have seen, but she didn't doubt that those around her could be traumatized by horrible dreams too. That was why she forced herself to reply despite being more than uneasy when it came to this topic. “I am sorry to hear that. I know how awful nightmares can be. That has nothing to do with one's rank. Every human will have a weak spot at some point, and it's not strange to have that. No one can always be perfect. Still, I hope that you can do something about those nightmares. I cannot give you any advice except for drinking tea made from that herbal mix regularly. It's still helpful for me. I only had one nightmare after starting to take the herbs, and that was because I hadn't drunk the tea before. The only other idea I have is talking about it with someone you trust. Maybe Lord Duremont since he had similar issues too. He would be happy to help you.”
Seraphina lifted her head and showed the concubine a soft smile that rendered the other woman speechless. “Even now, you are trying to comfort me. As I thought, it really is strange. There was a time at which I would have been glad about you disappearing. I would just have been content with you being punished only once too, but that never happened. One day, you changed entirely and began to act like I wanted to execute you. I thought that this was a scheme of yours, one to lower my guard, only to be proven wrong over and over again. And then I heard about your nightmare. I believe I told you that I found it hard to believe that you changed this much because of a dream.” The empress paused, and her eyes became glassy as if she stared past the concubine without seeing her. “It seems that I lied back then. Now I can fully understand why such nightmares would make you want to act differently. I would like to know what about my nightmare is related to my consciousness being dissatisfied with my actions though. After all, I cannot remember occurrences in which I ever punished someone harshly when they were innocent. As far as I am aware, I never directly caused a death. I did not get involved in a trial nor treated someone unfairly. I never even signed an order for an execution since His Majesty is the one taking care of that. Thus, it seems unfitting.”
Blanche didn't need to hear more to understand that the other woman wanted to talk about this. If the empress was comfortable with that, she wouldn't interfere, even if this very topic made her hairs stand on ends. She stepped closer to the fountain and spoke up in a soft voice. She had to focus to keep her throat from giving in. Her voice was so weak. “If it would make you feel better, you could tell me. Of course, I understand if you don't wish to do that or would favor calling for someone you trust.” After all, the heroine hadn't even told her beloved maids.
Seraphina's gaze wandered to the concubine as a faint smile graced her lips again. “I do trust you to some extent. Why else would I spill all of this to you? You could use this against me easily, even if it wouldn't help you much, but you successfully convinced me that you will not try such a thing. Congratulations. But I still will be happy to talk about this. If I could, I would share it with Allen. But...I do not think that I would be able to tell my brother since he is busy processing his own fears.” She patted the edge of the fountain beside her. “Please sit down, or it will be too strange.”
How unfitting.
The concubine could barely believe that the other woman was suddenly ready to open up, but she complied without hesitation. The heroine looked way too vulnerable right now, so the concubine could only be happy to have been the one to find her instead of some others. For a single second, Blanche was content seeing the other woman like this, just because it showed that the perfect empress could be weak too. But her relief was quickly overshadowed by unease. If the empress was this upset, the dream couldn't have been pleasant at all.
Did Blanche wish to hear this? Something told her that she didn't.
The corner of Seraphina's lips sank as she stared straight ahead. She was silent for a while before slowly beginning. “I did not see anything bad. It was not like a normal nightmare in which you see images of things that scare you. It was more of a feeling. At first, everything was fine. I was in the palace and wanted to take a walk. I told my maids to wait by the gate that leads to the forest. Then I ordered Noah to stay too and went into the forest alone. I walked for a bit and barely recognized the area, but I knew that I had a specific destination. And then I found it.” The empress' voice was trembling a bit when she continued. “There was a beautiful glade. There were violet flowers everywhere, and butterflies were flying around, but...there was a grave too. It was covered with bouquets, and some boxes were placed on it. You could see that there was someone who loved the deceased person so much that they visited regularly and left gifts. I knew that there was a person that was going there often, and they liked to stay for hours at a time. For some reason, that realization wasn't new to me, but it stung in my heart. I walked over to the grave and stared at it for what felt like an eternity. I was about to leave when I felt the overwhelming urge to cry. No one was around, so I did.”
Blanche quietly listened to that narration. Somehow, she felt like she should have more of a reaction to seeing Seraphina so dejected. In truth, her emotions just felt a bit numb though. Blanche wasn't sure why, but she listened in a daze.
Seraphina paused for a moment and stroked her fingers over her nose in what seemed like an attempt to calm down. “Then I began talking. I do not know what I exactly said, but I cursed the person, to whom this grave belonged. I told them that they deserved to be dead and that they were to be blamed for everything. For their demise and for every single issue that I had. And at that point, I noticed that I wasn't...that I was pathetic. To blame a person that died for my problems. My heart was aching so much that I couldn't believe that it was a dream. I was full of hatred and grief. At the same time, I was jealous. So jealous because I knew that the deceased person had something I would never have. And then I collapsed to my knees and started apologizing and asked them to forgive me, as if I expected a response. I did it about a hundred times, but naturally, no one replied. At some point, I woke up.” The empress turned her head to the woman next to her. “Ever since then, I could only feel guilt whenever I thought about that nightmare. Is that not childish? It was just a dream with no correlation to reality. I am not to blame for anyone's death. I would remember that. There isn't a grave at that spot in the forest either. I just visited. The worst thing may be that that glade exists though. It's fully empty with only grass there, but it exists. How strange. I have never been to that place before. But I'm more relieved about the fact that there was no grave to be found.”
Blanche could imagine that something like that was traumatizing. Guilt was a horrible feeling that ate at one's heart for a long time until one finally forgave oneself. Even if she had had such a dream while being sure that she wasn't responsible for someone's death, she would have been scared afterward. Maybe this should unsettle her more, but somehow, she was quite calm as she gave her response. Almost too calm. “I know that it sounds odd if I say it, but I would be upset too. There is no need to force yourself to get over it quickly. You can take your time and remind yourself that no person died because of you. In fact, you never harmed anyone either unless you were sure that it was needed. You only wished to help the citizens of Artias with your decisions. That means that you can be proud of yourself. It may take a while, but you can slowly remind yourself of that. You have control over your life, and you would never harm anyone you know to be innocent. As long as you know that, it will be fine.”
Saying that was awfully kind when she knew what the empress could do when she deemed someone her enemy.
Seraphina turned away again and stared at the rose arch at the other end of the plaza. “That was one dream.” She spoke so quietly that Blanche almost hadn't heard her. Afterward, she kept silent, which almost made it seem like she hadn't talked at all.
Blanche didn't ask again, not necessarily wishing to hear more. But she didn't interrupt either.
The empress only spoke up again after a short moment of quiet. “Others were worse. More visual, and some made me hear cries that I will never forget within my whole life. How someone desperately begged for their life to be spared and how someone yelled for their beloved while barely holding onto their sanity. But there was something even worse than that. During the first nights after the attack on Duke Lamont's birthday, I had nightmares whenever I closed my eyes. And the most awful one of all started with me waking up. I left my bed and went to the balcony. There was someone there, and I wanted to talk to them. But I could barely focus on them because there was something behind them. The moonlight was shining brightly, so I thought that I imagined it at first, but there was another person there. They were so light that I could only make out their silhouette. Everything about them was almost completely white, as if they were made of light, so you couldn't identify them either. I think it was a woman with long hair and a dress. But that would have been fine in itself.”
Would it? Her voice somehow sounded fearful when she talked about that woman.
Seraphina stared down at her hands for a moment and shook her head to herself before resuming. “The longer I stood there, the more I knew that I had to leave. I couldn't look at that person or let the other one know that I saw them. Because whenever I glanced at the white figure, something changed. At first, there was only a drop. A little red spot on their neck. But then it became more, and it started dripping down. And then their whole dress was getting stained with red.” She shivered slightly, and it was obvious that she held back as much as possible. “I finally went back inside with the other person then and eventually woke up, but...I can't forget that image. I resent it. But there is nothing I can do because it ingrained itself in my brain. Much like I cannot be rid of the image of me crying on a bloody bed while someone tells me that I deserved what made me grieve since the gods would never forgive me anyway. I have no idea where my brain took that from.”
Blanche almost felt awful for speaking up, especially when she mainly did it because this whole topic unsettled her a bit too much. It seemed strange to suddenly bring up her own experiences, but she couldn't help it. “That sounds horrible. I thought about some things in my nightmares like that too. There are images and sentences I can't forget.” Mostly of Theodore telling her how much he despised her and him leaving her behind. “I know it sounds stupid, but it will be better with time. At first, I could barely stop thinking about it. But with every day that passed, I was reminded of it less and less. Of course, I will never forget it completely, but I can live without having it on my mind constantly. Right now, I only think about that when specific words come up, like us talking about nightmares. But otherwise, knowing that the things I saw will never come true allowed me to push them back. Since I started drinking my tea regularly, I also did not have any nightmares again. This is why I have been able to forget most of the things I saw in those dreams. While I cannot help you with your nightmares, I sincerely hope that the herbs will work for you again.”
Seraphina gazed into the distance and nodded slowly. “I hope so too.” She was quiet for a moment before sighing quietly. She stood up and turned to the concubine. “It must sound like I am dealing with serious issues right now when I just had a few unfavorable dreams. I apologize for being so sentimental today. That was inappropriate for the empress.”
“Not at all.” Blanche rose to her feet as well and took a step back to not stand too close to the other woman. “It's only natural for you to have feelings like every other person. Keeping them hidden all the time isn't healthy.”
The heroine turned her head to look around and scanned the two guards and Stella, who were standing at the very corner of the plaza to not interrupt the conversation. She inspected them for a while before gazing at Blanche from the corner of her eyes. “I doubt that telling the person I once considered my greatest enemy is especially clever of me. But it only proves that everyone seems to change over time.” Her expression became more serious as she focused on something that wasn't there again. “In the past, I was perfect when it came to following rules and acting in a way that was expected of me. To me, my reputation and my position as the empress were the most important thing aside from the people I cared about. And now it feels as if all of that was useless.” Seraphina closed her eyes for a moment before facing the other woman again. “Do you think that one mistake justifies another one? Just because it would be so much easier for all involved parties, it is not less selfish. Should you act on your desires or continue to live like before to do the best for everyone else?”
Blanche had no idea what to say about this. Was that another test? She wasn't sure.