“What the fuck did you just fucking call me?” asked Isabelle.
Zig and Zag, looking just as healthy as they had before she’d launched them into the air with a breath weapon and killed them, looked to one another and shrugged.
“What do you mean?” asked Zig.
“Yea, what are you talking about?” asked Zag.
“Did you just fucking call me missy?” asked Isabelle.
“Um, yes,” said Zig.
“Yea, we did,” said Zag.
“How fucking dare you,” said Isabelle.
“What are you gonna do about it?” asked Zig.
“Yea, what are you gonna do about it?” asked Zag.
Isabelle thought for a second. She was already locked in combat mode. Why were these idiots jabbering at her instead of fighting? Then, Isabelle had a thought.
“Have you cast your anti-magic field spells yet?” asked Isabelle.
“No,” said the kobolds in unison.
Isabelle raised both her hands and thought, ‘Cast Shoot Lightning,’ focusing on powering it up as much as possible.
[Mana 22%]
Lightning zoomed from her palms and rattled over the two kobolds’ bodies.
[10228 damage dealt]
[10013 damage dealt]
[854 electrocution damage dealt]
[788 electrocution damage dealt]
Suddenly, as the electricity bounced between both of the kobolds, their heads exploded.
[Critical hit]
[Critical hit]
[‘Zig’ is dead]
[‘Zag’ is dead]
[Combat mode deactivated]
Isabelle stood there, before the two dead, headless bodies.
“What the fuck was that?” Isabelle asked aloud.
It had been so anticlimactic! The two kobolds had just suddenly come back to life when she tried to loot them, and now here they were dead again after one hit. What a joke.
Isabelle walked up to the headless kobolds and focused on one of them.
[Loot
[Error: you cannot loot]
“Oh my god,” said Isabelle. She watched as the bloody chunks of kobold head shot back through the air and reassembled themselves into fully-formed kobold heads.
Zig and Zag, complete and alive once again, stood up on their feet and chuckled.
[Combat mode activated]
“Now then, where were we?” asked Zig.
“I think she shocked us with electricity because we forgot to put up our anti-magic fields,” said Zag.
Before thety could cast any anti-magic field spell, Isabelle raised both her hands and thought ‘Cast Flame Blast’ with all the mana she could muster.
[Mana 2%]
Fire sprayed from her hands and engulfed the two kobolds. One of them screamed about their fire allergy, though Isabelle wasn’t sure whether it was Zig or Zag that was complaining specifically. When the flames settled, they were both reduced to piled of ashes.
[Critical hit]
[Critical hit]
[10592 damage dealt]
[10294 damage dealt]
[1928 fire damage dealt]
[1888 fire damage dealt]
[‘Zig’ is dead]
[‘Zag’ is dead]
[Combat mode deactivated]
Isabelle looked at the two piles of ashes, smoke billowing off them satisfyingly.
“Fuck’s sake,” said Isabelle. They were easy to kill, but they just wouldn’t stay dead! It seemed that every time Isabelle tried to loot these bastards, they’d just… come back to life? Which made absolutely no sense. Isabelle wondered if something a little fishy was going on with these two. She wasn’t about to give up on looting them, either, because she had a sneaking suspicion that they had some of her stuff! After all, it had been these two goons that kidnapped her while she was meditating, hadn’t it? Isabelle just had to work out what to do. Maybe something with the system key could help her. She could use the system key outside of meditation, couldn’t she?
[Clarification: You can initialize system key at any point, as long as you are not in combat mode]
Perfect. Isabelle thought, ‘Initialize System Key.’
[Initializing key to the system experience]
[…]
[…]
[Key to the System Experience Initialized Successfully]
[Welcome to System Key Version 0.69.1.1]
[Notice: An update for System Key is available. You might want to download that by thinking sys!~install syskey]
[~;;]
Seriously? There was already another update for system key? How many damned updates did it need? Whatever, Isabelle wasn’t about to get slammed with a bunch of error messages or anything. So, she thought ‘sys!~install syskey.’
[~;; sys!~install syskey]
[:///*]
[Finding package…]
[Searching for package…]
[Looking for package…]
[Package located!]
[Preparing package for install…]
[Unboxing System Key Version 0.69.1.1.1…]
[System.Key.install.packet.d1 |||||||||| 100%]
[System.Key.install.packet.v2 |||||||||| 100%]
[System.Key.install.packet.b12 |||||||||| 100%]
[Successfully installed System Key Version 0.69.1.1.1]
[Restarting…]
[:///*]
[Welcome to System Key Version 0.69.1.1.1]
[~;;]
Really? All that, and it couldn’t even be called System Key Version 0.69.1.2? Did it really need another decimal point? Why all the point ones? Why was System Key still not even on version one when it had updates out all the time? Who was updating this shit? What a headache.
Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.
Isabelle looked at a pile of kobold ashes, but she didn’t focus on it. She didn’t want to start the loot prompt.
Shit! She started focusing her vision on the ashes pile anyway! Isabelle was sure that the loot prompt would start any second.
[310429]
The fuck? Isabelle stopped focusing on the ashes and the numbers went away.
[~;;]
Isabelle focused on the other pile of kobold ashes.
[693262]
Huh. She stopped focusing.
[~;;]
Isabelle focused on the first pile of ashes again.
[310429]
Hmm. Isabelle focused on the second pile of ashes.
[693262]
She focused on the first pile of ashes.
[310429]
And, for absolute posterity, focused on the second pile of ashes.
[693262]
Would it keep happening? Isabelle had to know. She focused on the first pile of ashes.
[310429]
So it seemed like every time she focused on the first pile of ashes, the system key would show her those numbers. Isabelle focused on the second pile of ashes.
[693262]
And every time she focused on the second pile of ashes, the system key would show her those different numbers. It was almost like the numbers were connected to the piles of ashes in some way. But how? Did the numbers denote differing piles of ashes? Or were the numbers really about the ashes at all? And how could Isabelle know?
There was no way to know. Or was there? Isabelle looked over to her beautiful horse, Lugano. What a strapping specimen he was indeed. She focused on him.
[836713]
Holy shit. Isabelle focused on the first pile of ashes.
[310429]
She focused on the second pile of ashes.
[693262]
And then, she focused on Lugano.
[836713]
The numbers seemed to somehow be connected to whatever Isabelle was focused on! But how could she use this to her advantage? If only that asshole of a dragon had given her an adequate instruction, maybe Isabelle would already have known how to use the system key and magic scripting to take advantage of this discovery. Hell, if he’d been anything less than a half-baked blowhard, Isabelle might’ve already known about the numbers before now. Truly, if that dragon had been a real teacher at all, he would’ve explained this to her. Instead, he’d been far too concerned with hearing himself talk. That dragon and the Overlord probably had a lot in common, Isabelle figured.
Since she really had no idea what in the hell to do with the numbers, Isabelle considered her options. She could try and fiddle with the system key now, but she was a little uncomfortable with that idea. After all, last time she’d tried to do just about anything with it the system had thrown up about a bajillion different error codes, and Isabelle definitely didn’t want to corrupt or break her system. After all, she’d seen how well that worked out for the Overlord. No, Isabelle would have to do something else for now. She wouldn’t leave these piles of ashes alone, though. No, Isabelle would stay in this general area in hopes that she could figure things out before she had to start moving, because she was more than slightly afraid that these two dead kobolds had her items in their inventories! If only she could be assured that she could loot them without them mysteriously springing back to life. Which, on its own, was a bizarre concept.
Isabelle shuddered. She’d been overthinking things, for sure. Isabelle just had to keep moving forward, surely this would all work itself out. She thought of her old party members, who’d ditched her the second she kicked them from her party. Hell, maybe this wouldn’t work out. Maybe this wouldn’t work out at all.
Isabelle screamed. Lugano whinnied in fear.
“I’m sorry, Lugano,” said Isabelle. She exhaled with exhaustion. “You know, meditation is supposed to help with stress and wellbeing, but I feel like that dragon I talked to just sucked all the focus and energy right out of me.”
Lugano sniffed with sympathy. Isabelle stroked his nose and sighed.
Then, she caught sight of the ashen carriage that had been her prison only mere moments ago. She saw something glinting in its rubble.
“What’s that?” asked Isabelle.
Lugano sniffed in ignorance.
Isabelle walked over to the smoldered carriage and looked around. Suddenly, with a gasp, she spotted a steel chest.
“Holy shit,” said Isabelle.
“Who the fuck just said that?!” said a familiar voice.
“Double holy shit,” said Isabelle. She reached down in the burnt carriage ashes and fished her hand around, eventually grabbing a familiar burlap sack. Isabelle pulled up the sack and smiled. “Stelas! I almost can’t believe I’m so happy to see you.”
“Oh, go fuck yourself, Isabelle,” said Stelas. “I thought I was finally rid of you and all your awful bullshit, I did. But really, in a way, I’m happy to see you too. Even though I can’t literally see you, since my severed head is forever stuffed inside this burlap sack like it’s nothing more than a moldy onion.”
“You are?” asked Isabelle.
“In a way, yes,” said Stelas. “I’m happy because it means that you’re alive.”
“Aw, Stelas,” said Isabelle. “That’s one of the kindest things anyone has said to me since—”
“I’m happy that it means that you’re alive because you being alive means that I will still have the opportunity in the future to enact upon you my horrible revenge.”
“Oh,” said Isabelle with a sigh. “That checks out.”
“Yes, Isabelle, it does check out. And speaking of checking, I’d like you to know that you ought to check yourself before you wreck yourself,” said Stelas. “You’re flying far too close to the sun, burning everything around you down. And I, this horrible severed head you’ve stored a bunch of your old, unwanted loot inside, am detrimental to your physical wellbeing. I’ll lop your fucking head off, Isabelle, and I’ll stick it on a pike. I’ll push your eyes through a cheese grater and I’ll feed your feet to pirahnas. You cannot escape me!”
Isabelle rolled her eyes. “It’s nice to have someone to talk to again, I’ll admit. I was starting to feel like Lugano was my only friend.”
The horse, who was standing very close to Isabelle, snorted.
Isabelle was eager to peek into Stelas’ inventory, but then she thought better of it. And then, she thought worse of it. With all those conflicting feelings arising, Isabelle became concerned that she was being ruled by her emotions and not by logic. In a bid to escape such a mental trap, Isabelle untied the burlap sack and focused on the top of Stelas’ head, which was covered in the dark elf’s brilliant, white hair.
[114616]
Shit. That was right, Isabelle had never closed out of system key, had she? And she still had no idea what to do with those numbers that popped up whenever she focused on someone, although she did know that they were tied to whatever entity she was focused on.
Sure, Isabelle could’ve then closed system key and focused on Stelas again to look through his loot. But she was also feeling quite talkative and inquisitive, and she didn’t feel like messing with the system at the moment, so instead she decided to try and get some information out of her unlikely companion.
“Stelas, can you tell me what exactly has happened to me since I entered meditation?” asked Isabelle.
“It depends,” said Stelas.
“It depends?” asked Isabelle, incredulous.
“Yes,” said Stelas. “It depends.”
Isabelle stood there in silence for a moment. “So… what does it depend on?” she asked.
“It depends on one thing, and one thing only,” said Stelas.
“Okay,” said Isabelle. “And what is that one thing?”
“That one thing is this, and only this—” Stelas said, “—it’s the answer to an all important question. That question is: why in the hell should I tell you?”
“Excuse me?” asked Isabelle.
“Oh, I’m sure you heard me,” said Stelas. “My question is, why the hell should I tell you? I want you to convince me to tell you what happened, Isabelle.”
“Why?” asked Isabelle. “Why in the hell do I need to convince you? Don’t you want me to know? You do realize your fate is kind of tied to me right now?”
“Pfft!” said Stelas. “My fate is inevitable. My fate is one thing, and one thing only, and that is that once my body and my head are once again rejoined I will enact my terrible revenge upon you, Isabelle. With that fate assured, I know with absolute certainty that you cannot and will not ever, in the history of ever, manage to tie my fate to your own.”
Isabelle responded to this assertation by tying the burlap sack that contained Stelas’ severed head shut, and then tying the excess fabric of that sack to the side of the tattered belt on her hip. “There. Now you’re literally tied to me.”
“Literality has no effect on me, or on what I divulge!” said Stelas, confident in his proclamation. “I am assured of my success, this I know now and forever, so you cannot now or forever intimidate me, Isabelle! With that in mind, and I say this with all the sincerity in the world, get fucked!”
“Really, Stelas, you should just tell me,” said Isabelle.
“I’m not at all convinced! I don’t serve you, Isabelle, I serve the Overlord, corrupted though his system may be!” said Stelas. “Maybe if you were using your system against me, you’d be able to get me to blab.”
Isabelle rolled her eyes. Why did Stelas want to force her to use speechcraft against him?
[Clarification: A character not wanting to do something for you does not mean they necessarily want you to use speechcraft against them. It is more likely that speechcraft is the only way you will get Stelas to tell you what you want to hear because he still sees you as his opposition. The system is a tool to get around peoples’ stubbornness, it is not an implement of stubbornness.]
Isabelle didn’t believe that clarification message for a second. The system was surely the most stubborn thing Isabelle had ever encountered! If the system was even a thing.
[Clarification: The system is not a thing. The system is, as you may remember your meditative dragon tutorial explaining, the result of a constructed framework made for seeing the world of Beaubinte through a magical eye and perspective.]
Isabelle rolled her eyes. It was all so tiresome, sometimes. Still, she had to try and get Stelas convinced that he should explain to her what all was going on, didn’t she? Yes, of course she did.
[Speechcraft attempt: persuade]
“Look, Stelas—” said Isabelle, “—you maybe don’t realize this now, but you want to tell me what happened.”
[Speechcraft had mixed results]
“Oh, do I?” asked Stelas snidely. “I wasn’t aware I did. Please, explain to me how I want to tell you what happened.”
[Speechcraft attempt: persuade]
“Okay, I will,” said Isabelle. She took a deep, heavy breath. Isabelle had to remind herself that she had to take the perspective of a severed head that hated her and wanted her to fail. Yes, she had to take that perspective and somehow use it to convince that very severed head that, instead, she ought to succeed. More than that, not that she just ought to succeed, but instead that the very own severed head’s success depended on her own success. Yes, it was a dual success venture. With this realization in tow, Isabelle took yet a another breath. And then she began. “Stelas, you say that the pinnacle of your desire is to destroy me. And, okay, I accept that. Yes, I accept that you want to flay me alive. I’m sure you want to pour molten metal down my throat, cooking my innards alive. I’m sure you’d jump at the chance to feed me to a pack of rabid lemurs, and I’m doubly sure that if you had the opportunity you’d spend several months waterboarding me indiscriminately.”
“Hmmm,” said Stelas. “I’m listening.”
“And what I’m saying—” Isabelle cleared her throat, “—what I’m saying is that you can have that opportunity. That opportunity is a tangible reality, it is a reality that is just at your reach, it is at your footstep—er, at your headsteps, if headsteps are a thing that can be considered real and concrete.”
“That was… confusing,” said Stelas. “But I’m still listening.”
“See, Stelas—” Isabelle sneezed, “—the thing of it is, the thing being the subject and the object and the predicate of what I’m trying to say, is that I have to succeed in order for you to succeed. Why? Well, let me break this down for you.”
“Please do,” said Stelas. “I’m interested in seeing where the hell you’re going with this.”
“Okay, I will,” said Isabelle. “You see, what you want is me dead. You want to torture me, you want me in agony, you want me in hell. Well, consider this. If you don’t tell me what the hell happened, I will never know where my loot is. If I don’t find out where my loot is, I might just decide to give up on this whole business with killing people and just try to… well, try to relax.”
“Sorry, what?” asked Stelas. “Relax?”
“Yes,” said Isabelle. “I’ve been thinking about relaxing. Let’s face it, I’ve got amazing system powers. What if I just said fuck it to all of—” Isabelle looked around at the carriage, and the dead kobold ashes, and the unconscious naked man on top of her horse, “—fuck all of this depressing adventuring bullshit and used all my powers to just, like, have a nice life? A life like what Tahsi had before I reincarnated, where I just live in a cozy port town and relax and bake and don’t really think about all this weird magic and intesne political bullshit? Surely there are other places like Thres in Beaubinte. Beaubinte is a whole wide world! There’s no way in hell I couldn’t use all my power to just up and disappear to somewhere with a lot of humans and just… forget about all this bullshit. Hell, I could forget about you, Stelas. I could bury you six feet underground in my garden and I could forget about you.”
[Speechcraft succeeded]
[Speechcraft increased to level 13]
[Speechcraft increased to level 14]
[Speechcraft increased to level 15]
[Notice: you’re ready to level up]
“Okay, gods, okay!” said Stelas. “I’ll tell you, Isabelle! I’ll tell you everything! As long as you swear never to do what you just suggested you might do!”
“Okay,” said Isabelle with a snicker. “Sure. I ‘swear.’”
“Oh, thank the gods,” said Stelas. “It all started when you entered meditation.”
“Yea, no shit,” said Isabelle.