Lucien cackled evilly. "Ah, yes, I can feel the [dungeon] flowing through my [veins]! Its [power] is my power! I am like a sock puppet with the [dungeon]'s rocky hand shoved straight up my [ass]!"
Isabelle rolled her eyes. "That sounds absolutely ridiculous! Why is your ass taking a rocky fist? Is that even possible? Are you even human? We don't know anything about you! If we knew anything about you, this would be much easier." She turned to Tahsi Junior and Shiach for support on her point. They were laughing hysterically at Lucien's apparently bizarre sense of self. So was she. Isabelle let out a long sigh and tried to calm down before speaking again to Lucien. She needed to understand how serious things were for them right now. "Okay, look, Lucien. Are you here to help us or are you here to kill us? Are you friend or foe?"
Lucien laughed harder than ever before, and Isabelle wondered if he had any control over his laughter whatsoever despite having a speech impediment. He eventually regained his composure and squatted down with his hands on his knees and breathed heavily into his palms while catching his breath from laughing so hard at himself. His face returned from its contorted expression of pain back into a normal smile as he calmed himself down with deep breaths and closed his eyes for a moment. He slowly stood back up and looked around at all of them with an emotionless gaze. After a few minutes of contemplation he spoke again. "Like I said, I'm here to [guide] you out of this [dungeon] safely."
Shiach let out another fart that made Isabelle cough and cover her nose with her sleeve. Shiach turned from Isabelle towards Lucien angrily and gave him one more disapproving stare before turning back towards Isabelle once more, which she appreciated immensely since it meant Shiach wasn't trying to let loose another fart.
"Okay, so why is my combat mode activated then?" said Isabelle with frustration. "I need to level up! You're keeping me from leveling up, you self-aggrandizing prick!" She shouted as she pointed her finger at Lucien angrily.
"Ah yes! My [apologies]!" Lucien laughed again and patted her on the shoulder gently enough that she didn't notice until after he was done touching her. "It seems like my little [joke] has left you feeling rather [frustrated]! Sorry about that!" He walked around in front of Isabelle and looked her straight in the eye as he spoke calmly with emphasis on each word for effect. "I am not here to [hurt] you or anyone else! However, I hope you'll understand that being [one] with a [dungeon] [core] requires me to be always on guard. You see, if I were to [die], the [dungeon] itself would be vitally damaged to the point of [immolation]. And none of us [want] that, I can assure you. So please accept my [apology] for [activating] your [combat] mode."
Isabelle sighed deeply and rolled her eyes in irritation. "Accepted," she said in exasperation as she let out her breath and looked around at everyone else who seemed equally frustrated as she was by Lucien's strange behavior. It was getting harder and harder to take him seriously, but she reminded herself that this weird guy might be their only chance out of this mess anyhow. At least for now, anyway. "So what do we do next? We're stuck in this stupid dungeon until someone comes along who can help us escape, right?"
Shiach spoke first this time. "Don't call the dungeon stupid, Isabelle!" "Um, why?" said Isabelle. "It is a stupid dungeon, and I hate it."
"Because the dungeon is him!" said Shiach. She then plopped onto a nearby boulder, equipped a half-eaten can of beans, and started spooning them into her mouth.
"Huh? What do you mean?" asked Isabelle as she looked around at everyone in confusion. No one answered her question directly either. Instead they all just stared at Isabelle in silence after Shiach had spoken.
Eventually Shiach stopped eating and looked Isabelle in the eye with gentle concern. Shiach then spoke again without looking away from Isabelle. "The dungeon is Lucien!"
"That explains literally nothing," said Isabelle. "Lucien is a person. Look at him, look at his weird, lanky ass. He's standing there, he's not a place, he's a person!"
"First of all," started Lucien, "my [ass] is not [lanky]." "Oh, yes it is, buddy!" said Tahsi Junior.
"Nope," said Lucien. "But thank you for your [opinion]." Tahsi Junior snorted.
"[Second] of all?" continued Lucien as Isabelle began tapping her foot in impatience once more. "I [am] not a [person]."
"Then what are you?" asked Isabelle impatiently, though she realized that it wasn't really her business to ask such questions either way since she had no idea what a core actually was or how one could be anything other than what it appeared to be.
"Like I [already] fucking said, I'm a fucking [dungeon] [core]," said Lucien matter of factly, as if everything was explained by that one sentence.
"No fucking clue what that is, buddy," said Isabelle.
Lucien took a deep breath and sighed. "I am a [dungeon], that is, I am the [heart] of the [dungeon] you are in," said Lucien while smiling broadly to show his teeth were missing and he had a few strange scars running across his face from when he'd been tortured by humans. "And I have to [defend] myself against attacking [humans] and [monsters] because otherwise, they will [destroy] me in order to get the many ethereal powers and loot I possess as a [dungeon]." He paused for dramatic effect and then added dramatically: "And also I'm fucking [immortal]!" He grinned menacingly as he finished speaking and then looked around at the rest of them expectantly before getting back to business. "I think that's enough about [me] for now," he said with some measure of pride and satisfaction in his voice as he looked over his shoulder at Isabelle like a proud parent might look at their child upon hearing them recite their ABCs perfectly for the first time.
Isabelle crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from Lucien's smirk as she rolled her eyes in exasperation yet again while thinking about how much she hated this guy's attitude and sense of humor—which was not an easy feat considering how little she had felt toward anyone else so far in this cursed cave system that was chock full of seemingly endless boredom and bullshit. "Fine," she huffed as she turned to face him again, crossing her arms stubbornly in front of her chest as well. "Let's hear your plan to get us out of here, then." That's when the rest of the group turned to stare at Isabelle as if they were waiting for her to say something else before they could move forward with whatever it was they intended to do next—which made her feel even more irritated by having to wait on Lucien's orders once again. She didn't appreciate being impatiently ordered around anymore than anyone else did.
"Well, we need to wait on the [engineers]," said Lucien. "But I assure you they'll be [here] soon. Until then, let's get our [bearings] and start mapping this place out." He gestured toward the south wall of the room where there was a big stalagmite rising from the ground like a staircase leading up into the air above them all that Isabelle had never seen before. "Once you've done that, we should find an [entrance] to go down to the next [level] or two."
Isabelle blinked a few times. "Um, Lucien? Did you just say go down to the next level? Forgive me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty fucking sure we want to get the hell out of dodge as soon as possible, and by that I mean we want to get the fuck out of this cave system, not go deeper into it!"
"That's the [thing], though, Isabelle," said Lucien with a snicker. "To get out of the [dungeon], you've got to go deeper into it." He cocked
his head at Isabelle inquisitively as he spoke. "Do you understand what I'm saying here?"
"No," said Isabelle without hesitation, which made Lucien laugh more loudly than ever before as he shook his head disapprovingly at her.
"First of all," said Isabelle angrily, taking a step forward so she was standing directly in front of him now so that he could see her glare at him, "we're not going down there! We're not going anywhere near any more caves in this fucking place ever again! And second of all..." She took another step closer so that she was almost touching him now as she glared at him before continuing: "We're not talking about any 'levels' until we know exactly what we're dealing with here first! Especially considering the fact that you're so rudely preventing me from leveling up!"
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"You're not going to go down there? What a [fool] you must be!" exclaimed Lucien excitedly. "Because you don't even [know] what's on those [levels]. But I'm telling you right now that there will be people down there who can help you escape from this fucking [dungeon]!"
"I thought your fucking engineers were going to help us!" said Isabelle. "Keep your fucking story straight, bucko. It's beginning to seem like you seriously think we wouldn't have figured out a way out of here already if it weren't for you, and you haven't really done shit since we've met you!"
Lucien leaned into her face and hissed angrily through clenched teeth when he spoke again: "There is no way they are going to help you! They're probably too busy doing whatever the fuck they were doing when I interrupted them earlier to tell them to come help!" He took another step forward so that he was now standing only inches away from Isabelle as he continued talking: "They're already working on this fucking place, Isabelle! They're engineering as hard as they can! And the fact that you would insinuate that my engineers would not put all of their efforts towards being as helpful as possible, while also ignoring any and all other advice I've provided, makes me fucking hate you! I can't fucking believe that anyone would act like such a useless waste of space like yourself! You are a loser! A total and complete fucking loser!"
He was practically screaming at her now with his anger and his harsh demands, and Isabelle felt even smaller than she already was in front of him with his words. All of her previous anxieties about his stature and strength suddenly seemed like nothing compared to how uncomfortable she felt in this man's presence after hearing him call herself a loser and a waste of space. And yet he had come here to see them because he claimed that they needed help. Maybe he wasn't completely wrong about that... But who cared if he was?
"You suck so much, Isabelle," continued Lucien, "You're a fucking loser! And if you had any self-respect or respect for anyone else around you, you would listen to what I have to say right now because I am your last fucking hope for getting out of this fucking dungeon alive!"
"What do you want from me?" asked Isabelle slowly once she had managed to catch her breath. "All I want is to get out of here and level up! Do you think I care about your personal vendetta against me right now? Or are you going to tell me what's in it for me if I do what you want?"
"What's in it for you? What's fucking in it for you?! I'm telling you how to escape a dungeon and you want me to fucking tell you what's fucking in it for you?! Isabelle, are you fucking drunk or something?! Do you have any fucking self-awareness? Like, are you stupid?!"
Isabelle stood there in silence for a moment as she tried to process what he had said to her. After several seconds of silence were had passed between them, she finally opened her mouth but still didn't speak. Instead she just looked at him with her confused eyes as she searched for an answer floating somewhere inside of her head. In truth, it didn't matter what Lucien wanted from her; she was pretty sure she could give him whatever he wanted just based on how badly she wanted to escape this place. And right now it seemed like what
Lucien wanted was his own head severed and put on a pike, by the way he was treating her.
"It's simple," said Lucien after several long moments had passed without her speaking. "You'll listen to me and do exactly what I say every step that we take together, or else I will flip my absolute shit and kill every single person that you came in here with." He paused for a moment before continuing: "And believe me when I tell you that there are terrible ways to die in a dungeon controlled by a dungeon core that controls a human avatar. like myself. Awful, sadistic deaths, Isabelle."
Lucien then turned his back on Isabelle and walked away from her as he said one last thing over his shoulder: "If you don't want to die, Isabelle, then start listening to me and stop being so damn stubborn!" He cleared his throat and looked at the splintered ground. "Also, do watch your step. There's an awful lot of [lava] flowing from earlier. Sorry about [that], by the way, I just got over [excited]."
"Oh, the speech impediment returns now, does it?" said Isabelle.
"Sometimes it goes away when I get angry, stop judging me gods damnit!" said Lucien. "Now [then], please. Allow me to [guide] you to the next [level] of the dungeon. I assure all three of you, [this] will be the best [path] out of the [dungeon]."
"What do you think, Isabelle?" asked Tahsi Junior. "Do you think we can trust him? I mean, me and Lucien got along great, but I can tell you don't really like him. We don't have to follow him if you don't want to."
"Yea, what do you think, Isabelle?" Shiach asked with a row of farts to accent the end of her sentence. "Gods. I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those beans."
Isabelle paused for a moment before answering the question that had been posed to her: "I trust him as far as I can throw him." She then
laughed and added: "Although I'm not too sure how far that is, since he doesn't seem very aerodynamic."
After several more minutes of walking forward and trying not to fall into the lava surrounding them, Lucien finally stopped. He stood there motionless for several long moments before speaking again with a very serious face: "Alright then, Isabelle. I'm going to [assume] that means you'll accept my guidance and follow [along] unless you say otherwise. With that [understanding], I highly suggest all three of you come with me down this stone staircase to the next level of the dungeon. Be warned, there are lots of monsters ahead that we'll need to pass by if we're going to make it through safely. That said, they are my monsters, technically, so unless you really piss them off they'll probably leave you alone."
As they descended the stairs and continued deeper into the dungeon, Isabelle began paying attention not just to Lucien but to all of the monsters around them as well. She noticed almost immediately that many of the creatures were showing some kind of hostility towards them (although no one had initiated any attacks yet). It appeared as though many of these things were very territorial and didn't like other monsters encroaching on their territory. This made sense considering most dungeons were created by a single dungeon core who wanted absolute control over everything within its domain - even other monsters that weren't part of their species!
She also noticed that there was one monster very conspicuously present in particular that seemed to be avoiding all other monsters, and making a point of ignoring them completely: a large, bulbous eyeball that was floating in the air. It looked irritated and leaky.
"What the fuck is that?" Isabelle asked Lucien with a whisper.
"That's Carl," said Lucien. "He's got an [infection]. He's very [insecure] about it, please try not to [stare]."
And so Isabelle, Tahsi Junior and Shiach fought as hard as they could not to stare at the giant, pulsating, floating eyeball that was dripping
with tears and pus and looked so gooey and irritated that you could almost smell it from a meter away.
They soon reached a dead-end in the dungeon that contained two entrances on either side: one leading downwards while another led upwards. Both led somewhere, but neither was any closer than ten feet from each other (which made sense given the short path length between them).
"So?" said Isabelle, glaring at Lucien impatiently. "So?" he replied.
"So which way do we go, mister dungeon man?" said Isabelle in a voice dripping with sarcasm.
"That's a good [question], Isabelle," said Lucien. "But I'm afraid there's no right [answer ]here."
"No right answer? What kind of answer is that for a question?!" snapped Isabelle. "Isn't this your dungeon? Or aren't you the dungeon or whatever? Can't you, like, use the core to give us better directions or something?"
Lucien stopped walking for a moment as he considered her words carefully before deciding his best course of action would be to ignore her completely; or as much as possible anyway. In doing so he hoped to keep her from saying anything else stupid (and possibly even dangerous) until he'd had time to think up a more appropriate response. In truth he hadn't even considered giving them directions past this point because his dungeon didn't have any directions for them to follow! He didn't know where they were headed before they came into his dungeon! So it wasn't like he was going to be much help unless they told him a little more, but at the same time, Isabelle seemed extremely averse to being helpful in any way, and it wasn't very encouraging. Lucien had only just started helping people through his dungeon, and he was starting to feel a little bit of imposter's syndrome and wonder if he really was a dungeon core after all.
So he did what came naturally - he pretended he hadn't heard her. He turned away from Isabelle and turned his back towards her completely.
[Warning]
[Warning]
[Alert]
[Quake incoming]
"What the fuck? Quake incoming?" asked Isabelle.
"What did you just [say]?" asked Lucien. His face was suddenly painted with nervousness.
[Quake incoming]
[Seek cover]
"It's my system. It says there's a quake incoming," said Isabelle. "But I don't know what it means, I've never gotten that notice before."
[Seek cover]
"Fuck me [sideways]," said Lucien. "If we're not careful, we're all gonna [die]!"