The Overlord stood up and shook himself off. Who could say how long he'd been meditating? Hours, maybe. Days. He wasn't sure. But he could feel his strength returning. His mind felt clear. And his system?
[System cleaning complete]
[69420 bugs patched by Halsey.exec]
It was finally clean. Finally, the Overlord had full use of his system again, never again to be impeded by anything at all, never to--
[Please standby for system quick scan by Halsey.exec]
[Scanning...]
The Overlord tried to sigh, but he couldn't. He was frozen in motion.
[Scanning...]
[2% complete]
The Overlord was forced into a petrified smile.
[35% complete]
Quick scan? More like an unnecessarily long scan.
[55% complete]
This was unbearable!
[89% complete]
The Overlord was getting seriously pissed off.
[99% complete]
Finally, he was going to be free.
[99% complete]
What the fuck? Why was it stuck on 99% complete?!
[99% complete]
This was infuriating!
[99% complete]
Why even bother scanning if it was going to take so damn long!?
[99% complete]
The Overlord heard Halsey's voice laughing quietly in his head. What a bastard that doctor was.
[99% complete]
Augh! This was bullshit!
[98% complete]
What in the flying fuck. 98%? 98%?! It was 99% a few seconds ago! This was crazy!
[72% complete]
Um, this was fucking rude as hell.
[5% complete]
The system was just fucking with him now.
[-2% complete]
Negative percent? What the fuck was that about? Why was there a fucking negative percent and how was that even fucking possible?!
[100% complete]
The Overlord sighed. No--he couldn't sigh. He was still frozen. What the hell was this shit?
[101% complete]
If he could've moved, his right eyelid would've been twitching.
[Quick scan complete!]
[Your system is good to go]
The Overlord could finally move! What a pain in the ass. No wonder he'd uninstalled Halsey way back when, the guy was an obnoxious prick.
The Overlord stepped out of his humble lair of discarded golden knicknacks and waded through the copious coinage of the dragon's hoard. It was a bit surreal, being trapped in the den of a dragon. Not long before this, the Overlord would only have laughed if someone had told him that dragons were coming back to Beaubinte. Hell, he would've also laughed at the thought of a new player. And now, where had all that gotten him? He was surrounded by gold, which wasn't all bad, but he was also trapped!
At least his system was finally debugged. For now. Though the Overlord guessed he hadn't seen the last of Halsey and his obnoxious meddling. That damned doctor. There was always something wrong with his system, always some bug or another. Maybe he should just uninstall Halsey, once and for all. If he did, he'd have to remember to delete the folder that he downloaded his installer into this time. If only the Overlord knew what the hell a folder was, it'd all make a little more sense.
He could finally move again, but it was hard to walk upright. He felt... weak! Even with bugs in his system, the Overlord had never felt weak. What a travesty!
That was strange, though.
How could he feel weak after being thoroughly debugged? He should have, if anything, felt even stronger than normal. It was like he was missing something, or perhaps a critical function had been removed from his system, without his knowledge. The Overlord in all honesty didn't know too much about systems, but he was pretty certain that removing functions from a system was generally not a good idea.
The Overlord slowly made his way through the gold. He crouched.
[Current Visibility: 0/1420]
Nice. The Overlord was thankful that his stealth was functioning properly and that nobody saw him. It seemed that having debugged his system had improved his stealth as well. This was great news, because he needed to find some food. His Overlordly tummy was rumbling something fierce.
The Overlord looked around. The cave was empty. He couldn't see any other dragons anywhere, but that didn't mean they weren't there. These things could get pretty big, so it wouldn't be surprising if one of them were hiding in the shadows.
He crept forward, using his gauntlets to dig at the ground. He sniffed cautiously, trying to detect any scents in his immediate vicinity that might give away where the dragons had gone. Everything smelled like dust, rocks, and gold. Nothing remotely like dragons, though there was a bit of a rotting brimstone odor that generally pervaded the area.
The Overlord pressed onward, moving deeper into the cave. He stopped suddenly, noticing a familiar scent in the air. It smelled like... well, it smelled like horse shit.
The Overlord wrinkled his nose. What was this foul, terrible odor attacking his royal nostrils? He tried to remember the last time he'd eaten. He was quite sure that he hadn't fed himself in quite some time. But that didn't mean he'd consider eating horse shit.
The Overlord moved closer, keeping his eyes peeled for enemies. He moved slower than usual, taking extra care not to disturb the gold- covered ground he walked on. And then, he saw it.
A huge nest! A dragon nest! Did dragons even have nests? Clearly, the answer was yes, because here before the Overlord was a massive pile of dragon eggs. They were covered in a thick layer of gold, and they glistened in the light of the torches that lined the cave walls.
The Overlord grinned and rubbed his hands together. He couldn't wait to eat these babies! He could use one of the torches for fire, and he saw a gilded skillet laying asunder. Yes, the Overlord would be eating some delicious fried dragon eggs soon enough.
The Overlord crept closer. He licked his lips and equipped a torch. It was then he realized he could just use his mana to cast a spell that would make a fire now that his system wasn’t full of bugs, so he tossed the torch away and raised his left hand. The Overlord thought, ‘Cast Fireball.’
[Mana 99%]
A ball of flame shot forth from his hand, slamming into the nearest egg and bursting it open. Gold and fire erupted from the explosion, showering the Overlord in the fine gold dust. The Overlord coughed and stumbled backward. That may have not been the best move, but there were still three dragon eggs left to eat, so it was fine. The Overlord focused on the three eggs.
[Add ‘Dragon Egg x3’ to inventory?]
[Mana 100%]
The Overlord thought yes. Wow, it was nice to have a functioning system again. Soon enough he’d enact his revenge on Isabelle, that damned doctor crawling through his mind, and every other human in the world. He smiled as he prepared to devour those delicious little baby dragons.
The Overlord took the gilded saucepan and set it atop the fire. It must’ve had some moisture on the bottom of it, because it started sputtering and crackling in the flames.
“Ah shit! Fuck!” said the Overlord. He focused on the gilded saucepan.
[Cook ‘Dragon Eggs’?]
The Overlord thought yes.
[Please select a recipe:]
The Overlord regarded the recipe list.
Recipe List: Dragon Eggs
If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.
Boiled eggs
Fried eggs
Scrambled eggs
He focused on ‘Fried eggs.’
[Select ‘Fried eggs’?]
The Overlord thought yes.
[Processing recipe]
[...]
[...]
[Recipe processed]
The Overlord beheld the recipe
Recipe: Fried eggs
Ingredients: 1 dragon egg
Backstory: My grandmama would make delicious fried dragon eggs whenever I came over for a visit. It is one of my most cherished memories of her. She always told me that dragon eggs fried well were the key to my grandpapa’s heart, and he agreed vehemently.
Personally, the last man I had over said my eggs tasted like garbage, so I wrote this recipe to stick it to that asshole. He was only trying to tear me down because the sex was subpar.
Directions: Heat up a gilded saucepan on medium heat. Place half a teaspoon of butter on the pan to grease it. Crack the dragon egg into the saucepan. Add a pinch of salt to the egg.
Overlord smiled. This was going to be good.
The Overlord used his right gauntlet to grab the dragon egg and cracked it with his teeth. He spat out the yolk and chomped down on the shell. He chewed it slowly, savoring the salty taste of the eggshell and the flavor of the golden coating on top.
As he ate, he thought about how much he hated Isabelle and everyone else who had ever wronged him. His mouth filled with a rich, buttery flavor, and he wondered why no one had thought to fry dragon eggs before. No one before himself, and whatever lady wrote this recipe of course.
The Overlord smiled. He was just glad that he could finally eat something without having to worry about the consequences.
The Overlord finished off the first egg and began to cook the second one, which he did by cracking it open and pouring the mixture onto the gilded pan. No need to eat the second shell, one eggshell was more than enough fiber to keep the Overlord’s intestines running smoothly.
After cooking, the Overlord slurped up the second egg and began to fry the remaining egg. It burst open in the frying pan, adding an extra sparkle of gold to the saucepan. The Overlord licked it up, and he felt like he was on top of the world once again.
"How does it taste?" asked the Overlord, looking at the gilded pan, which continued to burn slightly despite being extinguished with water. "It tastes delicious," said the Overlord, thinking about how great it would feel to kill everyone in the world.
"I see. Thank you very much." The Overlord looked up.
There stood Isabelle. She wore a white lab coat and held the charred remains of the gilded pan.
"Oh," said the Overlord.
“You look sick, Overlord,” said Isabelle. “I think there’s something wrong with you.”
"What do you mean?"
"Well, your brain is black, and your eyes are red. Your body seems to be coated in gold dust, and your ears seem to have grown bigger as well.” Isabelle pouted at him. “Does the poor little Overlord need a checkup?”
The Overlord's smile turned into a snarl. "No! I'm fine!" he shouted.
Isabelle gasped, but the Overlord didn't care. He wanted to crush her head beneath his foot. "The Overlord, your nipples are leaking yogurt!"
The Overlord gasped and looked down at his chest. There was no sign of nipple yogurt through his brilliant, gilded Overlord armor. He
reached down the front of his breastplate and confirmed, there was no yogurt.
"There's no yogurt there at all, you cantankerous bitch!" he spat. But when the Overlord looked up, he noticed with dismay that Isabelle wasn't there.
It was then that the Overlord remembered something Halsey had told him during the... cleaning process. The Overlord could hear Halsey's creepy voice now. 'You may experience side effects, including but not limited to auditory and visual hallucinations, diarrhea, loss of appetite, and erectile dysfunction.'
The Overlord shuddered at the thought of it. And then, he smelt that awful odor of horse shit once again. Clearly, this was another hallucination. Hopefully, though, hallucinations were the only side effect that the Overlord would have to contend with. He'd already struggled with an eating disorder earlier in his reign of immortality and didn't want further issues popping up due to appetite loss, and he also didn't want diarrhea because he was fairly certain this dragon lair he was in didn't have a bidet, a shower, or even toilet paper for him to equip, and that was just inconvenient.
The Overlord looked around and saw a large chair, a table, and a small desk. On the table was a bowl of dumplings. The Overlord sat down and picked up a dumpling with his gauntlet.
"Why the fuck are there dumplings?" asked the Overlord to the gold- teemed void around him. "And where the hell is my wine?" he asked, licking the dumpling.
He took a bite out of the dumpling and immediately spat it back into the bowl.
"That tastes like shit!"
"That's because it is shit, shithead!" said a somewhat familiar voice.
The Overlord looked at the table. It was not a table, it was just a table-shaped pile of gold. He looked at the bowl of dumplings. It was literally a pile of horse shit.
"Oh my gods!" the Overlord reeled back in disgust. "This is horse shit!" he screamed. "A bunch of fucking horse shit!"
"Yea, I know. Why'd you fucking eat it, though?" asked the voice.
"Gods damn it, where are you? Show me your face so that I might punish you for your wise crackery!" rasped the Overlord.
"Look down, buddy," said the voice.
The Overlord looked down and gasped. At his feet was the severed head of a dark elf!
"What the fuck am I looking at?!" screamed the Overlord. Before the head could respond, he punted it into the air.
"You fucking asshole!" cried the head as it twirled through the air, eventually smacking into a large pile of golden nails. "Fuck's sake, this hurts!"
"Shut up!" shouted the Overlord. "Just shut up!"
The Overlord shook his fist at the shitty mess on the floor, which was covered in a thick layer of golden dust.
"Now what am I supposed to do?"
"Maybe get a hold of your mental health," said the severed head. "Seeing as you just took a big bite of Lugano's shit, I mean."
"Sorry, Lugano? Are you fucking speaking another language, you godsdamn hallucination?!" spat the Overlord.
"No, I'm talking about the horse over there," said the severed head.
"Over where?" said the Overlord.
"Oh, that's right, I can't point, I'm a severed head. To your left, Overlord," said the head.
The Overlord glanced to his left and gasped. Standing before him was the most beautiful, most muscular horse he'd ever seen, covered head to toe in black and white speckles. It was quite possibly the best-looking stallion he'd laid eyes upon.
"Well, well, well, look who decided to join us!" said the horse. "How did my shit taste?"
The Overlord's mouth hung open and he tried to say something, anything, but nothing came out.
"What are you reacting to?" asked the severed head. "Gods, you look like you just heard the horse speak or something!"
"It did just speak!" babbled the Overlord.
"Dude, you need to seriously get your head checked," said the severed head.
"Did you just fucking call the mighty Overlord dude?!" glowered the Overlord.
"Yes, I just called the literal shit-eating failure of an Overlord dude," said the head.
The Overlord focused on the severed head sitting in the pile of gilded nails. "I will kill you, you cowards he said.
The severed head laughed and started to float away from the pile of gold. "Don't worry, Overlord, I'm going to escape with my life and your body will be thrown in a dumpster. After all, you're a shithead, and you deserve that much."
Then, the severed head disappeared into a cloud of gold dust.
The Overlord shook his fist at the floating clump and grumbled, "Lugano!"
"That's my name, bub," said the horse whose beauty only became more apparent by the moment. "Don't wear it out."
"Horses can't fucking talk!" said the Overlord.
"No, but we can be ridden, so don't fuck with me, shithead!" said the horse.
The Overlord felt something in his gut. He went to take a step forward, only to trip over a pile of gold and land face first in the horse shit.
"Oh, sorry, Overlord," said the horse.
The Overlord opened his eyes and saw that the horse was now standing directly in front of him. The horse gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. He couldn't help but blush and look away.
"By the way, why are you covered in shit, Overlord?" asked the horse.
The Overlord wiped the shit off of his face. "You've got to be kidding me," he said.
"I'm not joking, Overlord. You're covered in shit."
"Hey, um, who the hell are you talking to?" asked the severed head.
The Overlord's eyes widened. He stood up and saw that the severed head was still lying in the pile of golden nails. "You're still here?!" said the Overlord.
"Uh, duh," said the head. "What, did you think I'd just float away or something?"
"Yeah, exactly," said the Overlord. Then, he focused on the head.
[Party Member Stelas Stelford]
"Oh my gods," said the Overlord. "All this lip, and you're in my fucking party?"
"Um--" Stelas cleared what remained of his throat.
"Don't you fucking 'um' me you fucking cur!" The Overlord boiled with rage. "I swear to gods that if you say one more snide fucking comment to me, you fucking severed-ass peanut gallery two-bit no- body motherfucker, I'll shove my dick so far down your mouth you won't know which way is up and then I'll make you watch while I fuck your mother! Do you understand? And I'll grab my dick and pull it out of your mouth so you have time to scream as loud as you want for the gods to hear you, and once they've heard enough screams, they'll drop their fucking hammer on your head and crush it into a tiny little ball, and all your brains will leak out into a nice little split-brain soup, and then I'll kick you from my party so that you fucking die. Do you fucking get me, bitch?"
"You, erm, might wanna turn around, Overlord," said Stelas. "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!" he spat.
Lugano ran away.
"I'm telling you, you really ought to turn around."
"Fucking why?!" said the Overlord.
And then, he felt it. The warm breath on the back of his neck. He shivered and turned around. Standing before him was an enormous gold dragon that looked very unhappy. It looked at the raided dragon nest, and then at the Overlord, and then at the nest again. It snorted a few puffs of smoke out of its nose.
"For the love of the gods, please tell me this dragon is a hallucination," said the Overlord.
"No such luck, buddy," said Stelas.
[Combat mode activated]