Isabelle sat with her eyes closed, locked into her meditative state. The abberation that was before her was of course the giant head of a dragon with piercing, icy blue eyes.
“So—” said Isabelle, “—what exactly do I need to do to look at the class selection menu, again?”
“Did I not tell you already?” asked the dragon.
“No,” said Isabelle. “Well, not that I remember, anyway. You’ve kind of been talking my ears off. If this even counts as talking, since it’s all just happening in my mind in a meditative state.”
“Woah there, Isabelle,” said the dragon. “Don’t think too much, you might just kick yourself right out of the meditation session early!”
“Sorry, I guess,” said Isabelle.
“It’s okay, I forgive you,” said the dragon.
“Are you going to tell me how to look at my class selection menu or what?” asked Isabelle.
“Yes,” said the dragon. “It’s just, well, you have to understand my perspective here.”
“What do you mean?” asked Isabelle.
“I’m very lonely,” said the dragon. “We dragon souls, you see, all being in a hibernative state for so long and all, get quite lonely swishing around in the collective unconscious for multiple lengths of eternity. And I’m putting off telling you how to open your class selection menu because I don’t really want you to stop talking to me, especially because it’s probably the only reason at this point that you’re still here!”
“Wow,” said Isabelle. “I… just… wow.”
“Look, I’m only being honest,” said the dragon. “It’s nice to be able to spend some time with somebody.”
“What about all the other dragons that are supposedly hibernating?” asked Isabelle. “Not that there aren’t new dragons crawling all over Beaubinte now, but still. Surely there’s a dragon or two to talk to?”
“Oh, yes, so many dragons,” said the dragon. “But, well, you see, it’s just that they’re all very mean to me. They call me stuff like ‘dumb geek’ and ‘annoying code dragon’ and ‘weird system obsessed hyper dweeb with no friends except for those other four weird dragons all of whom play some strange roleplaying game called Dungeons and Humans.’ It’s all very tiresome.”
“I’m sure,” said Isabelle, trying not to laugh.
“It’s also why I got elected to come visit you, Isabelle. It’s because they wanted to get rid of me,” said the dragon.
“Oh,” said Isabelle, not sure how to feel about that admission.
“Look, I’ll tell you how to open your class menu and let you get going and all that,” said the dragon. “Just promise me one thing.”
“…What?” asked Isabelle suspiciously.
“Would you consider summoning me next time you meditate so we can talk?” asked the dragon.
“Uh… I don’t know about that one,” said Isabelle.
“Look, look, it’s a good idea,” said the dragon. “I could even help you with magic script if you want sometimes.”
That did sound like a decent deal. Isabelle wasn’t sure she had the int and wis necessary at her current level to make proper use of magic script, and having a knowledgeable dragon do it for her was quite tempting. “Okay, I’ll tentatively say yes,” she said. “Emphasis on the ‘tentatively,’ though.”
“Tentatively shmentatively,” said the dragon. “I’m glad you’re willing. Now then, you can open the class menu by thinking, ‘Open Class Menu.’”
“Oh,” said Isabelle. “That makes sense.” Isabelle thought, ‘Open Class Menu.’
[Opening Class Menu]
[…]
Select Your Class
Please select your class. Focus on a selection to learn more about it.
Fancy Musician/Sex Maniac
Bloodthirsty Murderer
Superpowered Nerd
Unbearable Zealot
Wannabe Otherkin
Bland, Generic Battledrone
Over-Spiritualized Body Weaponizer
Sunk Cost Fallacy Zealot
Distance Fighter That Wants To Look Cool
Two-Faced Backstabber
Inbred Magician
Soul-Selling Magician
Reality Gaslighting Douchebag
Isabelle balked. Was it just her, or did absolutely none of these class selections sound any good to her? Plus, weren’t some classes missing? Wasn’t Tahsi’s class ‘baker’? Where was ‘baker’ from this horrible list?
[Clarification: The select your class list only contains a list of those classes which you are available to claim as your own. NPCs are eligible for different classes based on what they’ve spent their life working towards before joining a system.]
Well, that explained that. Isabelle still didn’t really want to accept any of these classes as her own, especially considering the fact that she’d essentially been able to beat the Overlord because she didn’t have a class, but she did want to learn more about each of them to be sure of her decision. So, Isabelle focused on ‘Fancy Musician/Sex Maniac’ to learn more.
Class Selection
Fancy Musician/Sex Maniac
This class, also sometimes referred to as that of the nyphomaniac class, is constantly thinking about sex at inappropriate times in a manner that makes most other people incredibly uncomfortable. By joining this class, you immeidately waive all combat ability to a permanet reduction degree of -35% (that is to say, all of your combat-based ability scores are lowered by 35% regardless of level) in exchange for ungodsly musical and seductive ability, which includes a boost of mana, char, and speechcraft.
Isabelle could feel herself inwardly cringe. That did not sound like the class for her. She focused on ‘Bloodthirsty Murderer’ in order to learn more about it.
Class Selection
Bloodthirsty Murderer
You want blood, and you want it now. No, you’re not a vampire, you’re just a Bloodthirsty Murderer. That is to say, you like to kill people in a way that resembles bloodlust. And, you know, there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s why there’s a whole class for it. Choose this class and you’ll get serious bonuses to your armed and melee combat, your str, your const, and you’ll also get the exclusive ability to use your stamina for extra battle focus. The only trade off is that bloodthirsty murderers can’t use magic, because they’re too focused on blood and murdering to worry about that, anyway.
Really? Did Isabelle’s ability to use stamina for extra battle focus seriously cost giving up all her magic powers? Having a class was sounding more and more like a bad deal. Still, Isabelle wanted to be sure. So, she focused on ‘Superpowered Nerd’ to learn more.
Class Selection
Superpowered Nerd
Your mind is your power. That is to say, you know everything about anything, and your wis and int make that possible. You are the only class that can use your wis and int to make inference checks that allow you to guess, among other things, the duration of timed events and the ability for you or someone else to succeed in a given task. Once again, no other class can make wis+int checks other than the Superpowered Nerd. The tradeoff, of course, is that your dx, str, and const are all permanently weakened. But is that really a bad tradeoff for brilliance?
Yes, Isabelle thought, that was a terrible tradeoff. She didn’t want to trash all her other points and skills just to improve another aspect of herself! This class system seemed busted as fuck. Still, curiosity compelled Isabelle to read onward and learn more.
Class Selection
Unbearable Zealot
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You’ve decided to sell yourself to a god. So what? Well, so this: you’re getting a lot more than a t-shirt, that much is for sure. You’ve got incredibly enhanced magic abilities. Along with that, you’ve got super-great melee combat power, and your wis and int are moderately higher than average. The only tradeoff is that you cannot touch a weapon because pledging yourself to a god in this manner actually makes you violently allergic to weaponry, but who needs that when you have magic? Not an unbearable zealot, that’s for sure.
Isabelle was wondering who in the hell would even want any of these classes.
“Usually, they haven’t had a choice,” said the dragon. “Of course, more recently, the Overlord had his minions destroy souls before they could even be reincarnated, so it was a moot point. But generally, when people look at the class selection menu, they’re kind of locked in to picking a class.”
“Locked in?” asked Isabelle.
“Yes,” said the dragon. “Locked in.”
“Does that mean that I’m locked in?” asked Isabelle.
“Yes,” said the dragon. “You are assuredly locked in to picking a class now that you’ve opened the class selection menu.”
“What?!” said Isabelle. “But you told me that I wouldn’t be! You said it was my choice!”
“It is your choice,” said the dragon. “It’s your choice what class you choose, of course. Nobody can ever take your ability to choose what class you want away from you, Isabelle.”
Isabelle felt a dark feeling of dread. This dragon hadn’t been out to help her. This dragon was here to trick her!
“Isabelle!” said the dragon. “I resent that thought! And after I opened up to you emotionally about my insecurities around the other dragon souls inhabiting this mental plane we’re currently inside! This was not a trap!”
“Sure it wasn’t,” said Isabelle.
“Really, it wasn’t!” said the dragon. “And anyway, I was sure that once you’d seen all the class options you’d gladly choose a class, anyway.”
“Sounds like bullshit to me,” said Isabelle.
“It’s not bullshit, Isabelle,” said the dragon. “It’s not!”
“Sure it isn’t,” said Isabelle.
“It’s not!!” said the dragon. “Please, Isabelle, keep looking at all the classes you have to choose from. Surely one of them will match your desires as a player, will it not?”
“Fine, I’ll look,” said Isabelle. “But if these past few are any indication, I’m not expecting anything impressive.” And with that, Isabelle focused on the next class selection.
Class Selection
Wannabe Otherkin
Do you like the idea of being able to transform into animals? Well, then this is the class for you. That’s right, you can turn into a maximum of five different animals with this class. You can also learn specific magic spells and special abilities that allow you to befriend, influence, and control animals to do your bidding. Yes, this is the class for animal lovers for now and forever. You know who you are. The caveat? You can’t go five minutes without talking about animals and how much you love them, which often lowers your speechcraft and char to obsene levels. But, come on, you know it’s worth it.
Isabelle was certain that someone would find that class tempting, but she wasn’t that someone. Maybe Sir Jingles would’ve liked it, that deserting asshole, since he already was an animal with terrible speechcraft and could already transform into a mega puma. But Jingles had left her, and Isabelle had no interest in this class fior herself. So, she focused on the next class.
Class Selection
Bland, Generic Battledrone
When you think about yourself, do you get bored? Is your favorite color of all time beige? Do you absolutely detest anything that isn’t completely remarkable? Well, congratulations, you’ve finally found your class. Being a bland, generic battledrone isn’t too demanding, and it isn’t really ‘not deamnding’ either. It’s just kind of semi-demanding, and with that it carries semi-benefits in the way of a very minor boost in str, d, and armed combat with no caveats other than a very minor decrease in int that really is negligeable. Come on, you know this is a good deal. Accept this class as your own today!
Ew. What a lame class. Plus, Isabelle knew that even thought the class supposedly didn’t take away much from her that her current benefits as a classless plyer far outweighed it. So, she focused on the next class.
Class Selection
Over Spiritualized Body Weaponizer
So what exactly is an Over Spiritualized body weaponizer, and why should you choose to be one? Well, the answer to both is simple: this class allows you to recieve inspiration and directly commune with the gods at any point in time. This supercedes a lot of abilties by making them useless, since you can just have gods do your bidding if you’re in their good graces. To get this class and opportunity, you’ll moderately and permanently lower all of your stat by 10%, because relying on the gods a lot will just make you kind of soft.
Ugh. Another class that, while sometimes sounded promising, overall held no interest in itself for Isabelle. Time to look at the next one.
Class Selection
Sunk Cost Fallacy Zealot
So you don’t want to be an unbearable zealot or an over spiritualized body weaponizer, but you still feel like religion is very important to yourself and your class choices? Try out being a sunk cost fallacy zealot! Pick this class and you get to make a pact with a god of your choice. Now, to be fair, you will be essentially selling them your soul, and if you break the terms of your agreement with them you’ll burst into flames and perish immediately regardless of your level, but really the perks you can get with this one outweigh the conseqeunces by a large margin.
Isabelle did not find that at all encouraging. In fact, she was only getting more and more discouraged. Hopefully she could find some way out of this class selection dialogue, because there was no way in hell she was picking any of these fucked up classes. Still, Isabelle wanted to see what was next, so she focused on the next class.
Class Selection
Distance Fighter That Wants To Look Cool
Are appearances everything? They are if you’re a distance fighter that wants to look cool. A pretty simple class, if you pick this you’ll gain great permanent dexterity and archery bonuses, as well as a moderate boost in stm and in char (the char boost is mainly due to the aforementioned fixation members of this class have on appearances). The only tradeoff is weakened magic, wis and int. And really, that’s not so bad, is it?
Isabelle did think that was so bad, actually. She’d used magic so much, she didn’t want to handicap her spellcasting! None of these classes seemed to be any good. Still, she focused on the next one.
Class Selection
Two-Faced Backstabber
If deception is your life, then this is the class for you. You like to fuck with people, and you like to trick them in various skullduggerous ways that would leave a normal person feeling sick to their stomach. Recieve bonuses to deception checks, sleight of hand checks, and a large increase in your stealth level in exchange for a vastly lowered char and int score.
There was no way in hell Isabelle would lower her int for those bonuses. As if she even needed them at this point! She was feeling less and less like any of these classes were for her at all. Isabelle focused on the next class all the same.
Class Selection
Inbred Magician
You’ve chosen this class in order to benefit your magic powers, mainly destroy, confuse and enchant, and that’s a okay. Just know that choosing this class retroactively changes your DNA structure to make you fifty percent more inbred, mainly due to the fact that selecting this class puts you in a class of magicians that transfer their power through bloodlines. Now, this isn’t always too disastrous a thing, and is somewhat up to values attained by a RNG, but it often comes with debuffs to your speechcraft, int, wis, and char in exchange for str, const, and dx.
Hell no, Isabelle was not picking that class. She looked at the next one.
Class Selection
Soul-Selling Magician
The main difference between this class and the sunk cost fallacy zealot class is that the soul-selling magician essentially only binds themselves to a god or gods that offer increased magic, whereas sunk cost fallacy zealots bind themselves to a god or gods that offer increased everything else. So, if you want to sell your soul for magic, this is the place to go for certain.
Only one more horrible class to go, and Isabelle was almost certain that she would not want it, either. Still, she had to look, just to be sure.
Class Selection
Reality Gaslighting Douchebag
The Reality Gaslighting Douchebag is a very special class in that not only does it increase your mana at the cost of your str and const, but it grants you a specific set of abilities that grow stronger based on your int, wis, and speechcraft. Essentially, reality gaslighting douchebags can effectively cast spells that ‘gaslight’ reality to warp around them to their will in numerous ways (as long as it’s in a fifty foot radius).
Well, how about that. The only cool sounding class in the whole damned list, and it was in the last place. Isabelle should’ve known. Then again, her str was one of her highest stats. Was it really worth giving that up in order to ‘gaslight reality,’ Isabelle wondered? It would certainly take away her ability to use stamina for extra battle focus, and that would be a real bummer. Then again, would she instead just have to ‘gaslight reality’ into slowing time down for her? Would she even be able to do that with this class? It was all so tiresome.
“Hey, dragon?” asked Isabelle.
“Yes, Isabelle?” asked the dragon.
“Do you think I’d be able to gaslight reality into slowing time down for me if I chose the reality gaslighting douchebag class?” asked Isabelle.
“Hmmm. I’m not sure,” said the dragon. “I think you’d probably have to really talk reality into it. Like, you’d have to have a long and drawn out conversation with the entirety of reality within a fifty foot radius of yourself to convince it that you could.”
“Would I have to do that just once, or would I have to do it every time?” asked Isabelle.
“Oh, you’d have to do it every time,” said the dragon. “That much I’m sure of.”
“That’s bullshit,” said Isabelle. “I’m not picking a fucking class. All of these class options totally suck. I refuse to limit myself in such a stupid way.”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you, Isabelle,” said the dragon. “You opened up your class menu, I can’t really change that. It’s not really my responsibility on whether or not you pick a class, and I don’t really know if you can just close out of the dialogue, either.”
“You absolute piece of shit of a dragon,” said Isabelle. “You said I wouldn’t regret this!”
“I didn’t think you would regret it!” said the dragon. “Why, the classes available in Beaubinte are, like I said, commensurate with your current experience. It’s that way for players as well as NPCs. Usually the classes you’re available to accept are more standard thief, bard, so on and so forth but since you’ve already gone so long without picking a class they’ve been customized to your play style. Really, it’s a good thing, and the classes only reflect how you’ve behaved in Beaubinte so far, so really if anything this is a good time for self-reflection and—”
“Go fuck yourself!” said Isabelle. She was feeling stressed. She thought, ‘Close Class Menu.’
[Error: You must select a class]
Fuck. So much for that. Isabelle racked her brain. There had to be something she could do!
She had a thought. Maybe there was something this dragon could do help her, after all. Isabelle would just have to be very persuasive.