The Overlord looked up at the enormous, golden dragon looming over himself and Stelas. It was the largest beast he had ever seen in his life. Its scales were jagged and sharp. Its teeth were razor-sharp. It glowed with the power and might of a thousand suns, and it was glaring at the Overlord.

"You know what? I'm not afraid. This is the fucking end of you, shithead," said the Overlord. "I'll cut you down and eat your fucking liver raw. I'll rip out your intestines and stuff them up your ass. I'll make you shit yourself and then I'll sit on your stupid scaly snout until I see how long you can hold it in without dying of dehydration. I'll kill you slowly and painfully, and then I'll take your head and stick it on a pike in the middle of the desert, and every single day I'll piss on your corpse to remind everyone that you're dead."

The dragon cocked its enormous head inquisitively.

"Yeah, that's right," said the Overlord. He puffed out his chest. "I'll fucking kill you. That's right. I'm going to beat you like a drum, shithead, because when I beat you, I'll be beating you on behalf of the gods!"

He raised both arms above his head and bellowed out a battle cry.

"For the gods! For the gods!"

The dragon reared up on its hind legs. The horde of gold shook. A small earthquake rumbled through the cavern as the dragon made ready to strike.

"Fuck, this thing looks fucking terrifying," said the Overlord. "I'm too old and immortal to deal with this bullshit." With that in mind, he raised his left hand towards a large pile of gold and thought, 'Cast Animate.'

[Mana 95%]

The large heap of gold swirled into the air brilliantly, confusing the dragon as it twisted and formed into the shape of an enormous warrior. The huge figure rose up, towering over the golden dragon as it roared and spread its wings.

The dragon puffed out smoke, but the creature was immune to the attack. It slapped the dragon across the face like it were but a scaly child.

"Fuck you, shithead," said the Overlord.

The dragon lashed out with its claws, but the golden warrior blocked the strikes with ease. It took a swipe at the dragon with its blade, but the dragon deflected it with a swing of its tail. It grabbed the golden man by the arm and flung him against the wall where he smashed into a million pieces.

"Goddamn it!" shouted the Overlord. "Now I have to cast the fucking spell again!" He raised his left hand, but before the Overlord could think, the dragon roared with vigor and slammed its tail into the Overlord, sending him flying through the air and into the side of the cavern wall.

[-158 hp]

"Ohh fuck, that hurt," said the Overlord. "I'm being sarcastic, of course. I have so much fucking hp that that barely felt like a scratch, you fucking lizard!" Before the dragon could respond, the Overlord raised his left hand again and thought, 'Cast Animate.'

[Mana 95%]

The gold swirled back into the air and reformed the towering figure of the golden warrior. This time, thought, the warrior had a long saber made out of gold pieces and jewels. It lunged at the dragon, who dodged the blow. The dragon charged forward, but the golden warrior spun around and swung its sword at the dragon's head. The dragon

batted the golden man aside with its tail, and then it pounced on the golden warrior and started to tear him apart bit by bit.

"Damn it!" said the Overlord. "This is getting fucking annoying. I just wasted mana on that last one. Now the damn dragon has a chance to heal up some more. What a crock of bullshit. What a scam. This dragon is fucking cheating, and I have to do it all over again."

With that, the Overlord waved his hand and thought, 'Cast Animate.'

[Mana 95%]

The dragon lowered its head to the ground as the golden man reformed yet again. This time, though, the dragon breathed fire so hot that the golden man started to melt away into a golden pool.

"Fuck this shit. And fuck me for trying to enjoy my life and live a little, I guess," whined the Overlord. He waved his hand and thought, 'Cast Animate.'

[Mana 90%]

The dragon panted and growled as it reared up on its hind legs. The gold swirled into the air, forming into another golden warrior. This one carried a large hammer, and he swung it down on the dragon's neck. The dragon thrashed about, but it couldn't dodge the incoming blows from the golden man. One hit after another rained down on the dragon's head, and soon enough it collapsed onto its belly.

"That's it, you stupid piece of crap," said the Overlord. "You're done, now. You can't heal anymore. Either the gold will kill you or I'll finish you off."

The dragon looked up at the Overlord with fury in its eyes. Its nostrils flared as it breathed a gout of fire upon the Overlord.

[-50 hp]

"Ack!" said the Overlord. He was on fire! He stopped what he was doing, dropped to the ground, and rolled around.

[Achievement unlocked: Practice fire safety]

The Overlord stood up and looked back at the dragon and the golden warrior. It raised its huge hammer and charged at the dragon, who immediately rose to its feet. The dragon seemed larger than before as it moved, and it struck the golden warrior with its tail. The golden man stumbled back and fell over, and the dragon reached down and ripped his head from his shoulders.

"Motherfucker!" shouted the Overlord. "Fucking dragon, why does everything have to be such a goddamn pain in the ass? Why can't something be easy once in a while?" The dragon reared up on its hind legs and blasted the Overlord with a blast of fire.

[-120 hp]

The Overlord flew backwards as he tried to put out the flames that covered his body. As he did, he glanced over at the golden warrior, who was still standing there looking stunned and headless. Though bits of gold were falling from the warrior's body like blood from a gaping wound, it lumbered forward and struck the dragon with mighty swings of its hammer, smashing it to the ground.

"Nice job!" said the Overlord. "Now kill that fucking dragon before it demolishes us both! Or else I might have to cast a spell again."

The dragon reared up on its hind legs and breathed fire at the golden warrior, who dodged it with ease. He swung his hammer again, slamming it down on the dragon's head, and the dragon let out an ear-splitting roar as it fell to the ground, dead.

"Well, that's a relief. At least now we know how to beat it," said the Overlord, who then turned to the golden warrior and said, "Thanks for your help."

The warrior knelt before the Overlord, and then it fell to the ground, and was but a pile of gold once again.

[Combat mode deactivated]

[Achievement unlocked: Indirectly slay a dragon]

The Overlord felt his right eyelid twitch. Indirectly his ass.

"It's a good thing that dragon had a lot of gold lying around, huh?" asked the Overlord. "Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to animate that warrior and his big hammer. Who knew you'd need a really heavy weapon to kill a dragon?"

"Heh, his big hammer," chuckled Stelas.

"What so funny about a giant, golden man with a big hammer?" said the Overlord.

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

Stelas laughed even harder. "It's just, well, you know what they say about large weaponry. It makes them look like dicks."

"Oh my gods," said the Overlord. "You've got to be kidding me."

Stelas felt uncomfortable. He was concerned that the Overlord was furious with him.

The Overlord smiled. "That's the best joke ever!"

"I wish it was," replied Stelas. "But no, it's not. You wanna hear the best joke ever, Overlord?"

The Overlord looked at Stelas. His smile faded away.

"What do you think of when you picture a dragon?" asked Stelas. "Lions, gold, dragons, treasure chests with jewels inside." "Wrong answer," said Stelas.

"I don't understand," said the Overlord.

"Didn't you know that the mythological dragon is actually based on the mythical phoenix?"

"Neither of those things are mythical, they just exist, they're real things," said the Overlord. He was starting to look stern.

"Yeah, sure, sure," replied Stelas. "Just because you've never seen them doesn't mean they don't exist. And besides, the phoenix isn't a dragon. It's a bird."

"Wha--Stelas, I just fought and killed a fucking dragon, I damn well know they exist! What the hell kind of joke is this?"

"It's not a joke, it's a very important lesson," said Stelas. "You think you're being clever, but I've heard this one before." "Have you?"

"Yes," said the Overlord. "The joke is simple. It's a joke about how an immortal party member with a severed head was telling a bad and condescending joke to the one man who can instantly and irrevocably end his life with a stray thought."

Stelas shrugged. "So? That's all I'm doing here. Just making a few jokes. Relax."

The Overlord glared at Stelas. "I'm going to kill you."

"No! Gods, please no! You don't want to do that!" pleaded Stelas.

"Why? Why shouldn't I kick you from my party and smash your stupid head to a fucking pulp?" spat the Overlord.

"Um... um... because... well... um... I... uh... um..."

"Hurry the fuck up and think of something before I take a fucking axe to your face!" snapped the Overlord.

Stelas didn't reply, and the Overlord took a step back. He sighed loudly.

"Fine, fine," said the Overlord. "I see you're too chickenshit to even half-ass an excuse not to kill you. And I get that. You're terrified of your Overlord, as you well should be, and if you don't have the balls to try and lie to me, then I'll have to assume you're just lazy and incompetent. Then again, you are just a severed head, aren't you? So you've got no ass to half, and no balls, either. You've really done it this time, Stelas."

Stelas swallowed air with fear. Then, his eyes lit up with inspiration. "Oh my gods! Don't do it! Don't kill me! I can function as a head of holding!"

"Kill you?" The Overlord chuckled. "Stelas, I was going to unequip my codpiece and piss all over your face. You really thought I'd kill you? You fucking pussy. You fucking... idiot! Hahah!"

Stelas frowned. "Well, don't piss on me, please."

"Hmm. Well, then, explain this to me, Stelas. What in the everloving fuck is a head of holding?"

"...Isabelle used me as her secondary inventory back when she controlled me," said Stelas. "So I'm full of all of her discarded items. And along with that, full of items that she only put in my inventory to annoy and torture me. She put a whole bed in my inventory, Overlord. A whole fucking bed."

The Overlord cackled. "Are you shitting me? Wow. I'm sorry. That is fucking hilarious. Seriously, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. I can't believe you're just going to stand there and let me laugh at your expense like this. Sorry, did I say stand? I guess you can't do that, since you're a severed head. Crap, this whole situation is so fucked up. But seriously, Stelas, that is fucking hilarious. I'm gonna laugh for days."

The Overlord laughed harder than he had in years. When he finished, his breath came out ragged.

"Okay, okay," said Stelas. "I get it, I get it, this is all very funny, everyone is laughing at my expense, I am just a head, I know, it's fucking hilarious, I'm just gonna shut up now."

"Sorry, Stelas," said the Overlord. Then, he burst out in laughter again. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my gods! A bed! In your inventory! That's so fucking stupid! That's hilarious!"

Stelas cleared his throat. "Um, yes. It's pretty funny. But I still think you should keep me around. Maybe there's something of Isabelle's in my inventory that could help you out, eh?"

"Yea," snorted the Overlord. He wiped off his watering eyes. "Something like a fucking bed! Hah! You're right, Stelas. There's nothing more useful than a bed. I might have to rethink my position on you. The problem is, I'm still going to piss on you."

"What?!" said Stelas with a crack in his voice. "Seriously?!"

"Um, yes, seriously," said the Overlord. "My bladder is killing me."

"But you could do anything else to me instead of pissing on me," said Stelas. "Like, you could piss on the dragon you just killed?"

But the Overlord would hear nothing of the sort. He'd already unequipped his codpiece. With a deep sigh he unfastened his trousers and pulled them down to his ankles. Then he stepped forward and began to piss on Stelas' head.

"Oh my gods! No, stop! Please, no, stop!" begged Stelas.

The Overlord stopped his stream. His expression turned serious. "Stelas, I'm a nervous pisser. If you don't quiet down, I will cut an

incision into your forehead and start pissing inside your skull. Do you want that?"

"No!" cried Stelas. Then, after a moment, "Yes." "Y-yes?! You want that?" the Overlord stammered. "No! Gods no, I don't!"

"Then why'd you say yes?!" said the Overlord.

"I don't know, I don't know, I got nervous!" said Stelas.

The Overlord let out a long groan. "Gods dammit. Fine. I'll be nice. Just shut up, and don't make any sudden moves, and I'll try not to piss in your eyes, nostrils, or mouth. Your ear canals are still up for grabs, though, and keep in mind I don't necessarily have great control of my stream in general. I've never been an exceptionally powerful pisser, it's true, so sometimes it just seems to go every which way without a lick of control on the part of myself. Don't worry, I won't kill you. I'm trying to save myself from pissing myself by pissing on you, not kill you. Now, hush."

Stelas nodded sadly, and the Overlord resumed his stream.

After a minute or two had passed, Stelas felt a wetness on his face that felt near to a torrential downpour. Every inch of his head felt totally drenched, and the Overlord showed no sign of stopping. "Wait, wait, you still haven't finished?! Is there really more piss coming?!"

The Overlord stopped.

"Did you seriously just interrupt my piss again?" whined the Overlord. "You do realize that pissing makes my bladder hurt, right? And that I only do it when I systemically am required to? Besides, I'm only about halfway through. You were supposed to be quiet while I was peeing."

"Sorry," said Stelas, "but what if I need to talk? You've just pissed on me, for, what, two minutes?"

"One minute, fifty-eight seconds, actually. It would've been two minutes but then you interrupted me for the second time," complained the Overlord. "I just didn't want to have to keep stopping and starting the piss cycle over again. It makes everything longer, you know. Each time I piss, it resets the system time counter if I get interrupted, so really what could've taken four minutes will now take, what, six minutes total? Including all the piss I've already spent on you? And it's all very tiring and wearing on my renal system."

Stelas gaped at him in horror. "That's disgusting! You could have warned me before you started, or even asked me first. Why would you do that?!"

The Overlord shrugged. "Honestly, I just forgot. I thought I told you to be quiet."

"Well, I wasn't, so it doesn't count!"

"Okay, fine. Let's do this properly next time. Next time, you'll behave yourself, and you'll let me piss on you uninterrupted."

"I will?"

"You will. So stay quiet and let me finish."

"Fine," said Stelas.

"Good boy," said the Overlord. Then he began to trickle a few drips of his piss onto Stelas' face.

Stelas stifled a laugh. The Overlord stopped pissing. "What's so funny?!"

"Good boy? Really?" said Stelas. "Is that the best you can come up with?"

"It's the best I have," the Overlord insisted.

"And you expect me to believe that I'm some kind of good boy for your saying it?"

"Yes. That is exactly what I want them to think. I want them to think that you're a bad boy who's being punished by having a piss poured into his face. Because you'll believe it, because you're pitiful and a loser, and it will make me seem better than I am. You'll see, eventually everyone will believe it except maybe you. But that's okay, because we'll give you a little nudge here and there to help you along, like putting a little extra pressure on your feet just to remind you that they're tied together. But, you know, you're a severed head, so that figure of speech doesn't necessarily track here."

"How is talking about someone's feet being tied together a figure of speech?" said Stelas.

"It is in... certain circles," said the Overlord. "But enough of that now. The Overlord needs to piss."

Stelas sighed and closed his eyes. And soon enough, he was once again buffeted by the warm, wet sensation of the Overlord pissing on him, and he'd have to endure it forever, until what felt like the end of time.

"Ahh, much better," said the Overlord. He pulled up his pants and equipped his codpiece. "Thanks for that."

Stelas spat piss out of his mouth and rasped. "That was awful. Thank the gods it's over, though. What are we going to do, now?"

"I'll tell you what we're going to do, Stelas," said the Overlord. He looked at Lugano, admiring the horse's beauty, and smiled. "We're going to loot this dead dragon, and anything I don't want is going in your inventory. Hell, I'm going to put this whole dragon's horde in your inventory. And then, once we've done that, we're going to ride this beautiful horse out of this fucking cave, find Isabelle, and kill her so hard that she won't even know what hit her!"

Stelas, though he was still soaking in piss, smiled evilly. "Sounds like a plan, Overlord. Sounds like a plan."