Tahsi laughed as Isabelle unequipped the sending stone.
“Wow,” said Tahsi. “The Overlord sure did sound angry in that message. I wonder if he’s got high blood pressure.” Tahsi took a large chomp of bread. “You know, I’ve always heard a good helping of bread helps your blood pressure. Anybody want any?”
Isabelle and Sir Jingles shook their heads.
“More for me, then,” said Tahsi. He shoved the rest of the loaf in his mouth. “Now, are you guys going to help me save Frimri, my dragon girlfriend, or aren’t you?”
Quest: Save Frimri
Description: The Overlord wants to slay a dragon. Unfortunately enough, the dragon he wants to slay is the dragon that Tahsi is now supposedly in a relationship with.
Reward: Tahsi’s gratitude, and possibly the allegiance of a dragon to your party. Also, the chance of defeating the Overlord.
Activate? Y/N
Isabelle had been wondering when she might get another quest request. Of course, it was yet another thing that would keep her from fulfilling her goal of getting revenge on Oglo for stealing her stuff and generally being an annoying little bastard of a Citadel trainer, but this quest seemed too important to say no to.
[Quest ‘Save Frimri’ activated]
[Loading quest]
[...]
[...]
[Quest prepared]
[Leave the palace]
Isabelle was ready to leave the palace. Well, almost ready. Didn’t she have two dead warforged berserkers to loot? Isabelle thought ‘Loot Check.’
[You have 2 unlooted corpses remaining. Loot ‘Warforged Berserker’ and ‘Warforged Berserker’ now?]
Isabelle thought yes.
Inventory: Warforged Berserker
Item
Traits
Berserker Blade
+15 damage, +8 str, +5 carry weight
Vial of Cauldron Goo
n/a
Gold (15)
n/a
That Berserker Blade sounded awesome! Isabelle took everything.
Inventory: Warforged Berserker
Item
Traits
n/a
n/a
Now for the next warforged berserker’s inventory.
Inventory: Warforged Berserker
Item
Traits
Berserker Blade
+15 damage, +8 str, +5 carry weight
Warforged Oil x2
n/a
Gold (15)
n/a
Isabelle wasn’t sure what she’d do with warforged oil, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t take it.
Inventory: Warforged Berserker
Item
Traits
n/a
n/a
Great.
“Okay,” said Isabelle. “Is eveybody ready to go?”
“I am,” said Tahsi, finishing the final bite of yet another loaf of bread. “And little Tahsi Junior is, too.”
“Tahsi junior?” asked Isabelle.
Tahsi patted the egg under his arm. His eyes started watering. “I’ve always wanted to be a father, you know.”
“Um, Tahsi, I have a question,” said Isabelle.
“What?” asked Tahsi.
“That egg is from the dragon, right?” asked Isabelle.
“Yea,” said Tahsi.
“And you think it’s got your son inside? That you had a son with that frost dragon?” said Isabelle.
“I mean... you do know what we were doing back there, right? Or did they not have sex in your old world?” asked Tahsi.
“Yes, I know what sex is, Tahsi, thank you for that fucking visual!” said Isabelle. “But... I mean... Tahsi, there’s no way in hell that egg’s got your kid in there!”
“Why not?" asked Tahsi. He equipped some bread and took a chomp out of it in confusion. “Oh, want any bread?”
“No, thanks though,” said Isabelle. “As for why not, well, Tahsi, there wasn’t enough time. Are you telling me that in this world a kobold can get it on with a dragon and then have an egg with their kid in it tucked under his arm, all in fifteen minutes?”
“Woah there, Isabelle,” said Tahsi. “It was a lot longer than fifteen minutes, we both know that much. Give me some credit. But, otherwise, yes. Just don’t make me go into the details, please, I’m not really one to kiss and tell.”
Isabelle sucked in her lips and nodded slowly in silence. This was a lot to process.
“Can we stop talking about Tahsi procreating already and get going?” asked Sir Jingles.
“Yes, I must agree, I don’t want to hear any of this shit,” said Stelas’ severed head, which was sitting on its side on the dungeon floor. “Though I can say with confidence that I will savour these memories when I finally regain the use of my currently over encumbered body— which is still far away in the depths of the wilderness—and murder all of you to death! Oh, how glorious it will be, glorious and bloody, bloody and glorious!” Stelas cackled for effect.
“Okay,” Isabelle said with a sigh. “Tahsi, Jingles, help me find the burlap sack we keep this asshole’s head stuffed in for storage before I lose my fucking mind listening to him whine.”
Tahsi and Jingles jumped to action much faster than they ever had in a fight. Within three minutes, the burlap sack was found and Isabelle had tied it shut, much to Stelas’ detestation. With that business settled, they left the cauldron room.
As the party walked past the frozen body of Tzutsi, Sir Jingles balked.
“Wow, you took her and her goon out fast, huh, Isabelle?” asked Jingles.
“Yea, it wasn’t that big a deal,” said Isabelle.
“You fucking froze Tzutsi?!” said Stelas’ head from inside the sack.
“How’s you know who it was we froze?” asked Isabelle. “There’s no way you can see anything through that burlap sack.”
“I don’t need to see anything, dumbass,” said Stelas. “I have the Overlord’s system, remember? I can just focus my vision, even when I can’t see shit, and the system text will pop up to tell me who all is in the room. I just started focusing when that cat of yours mentioned taking people out.”
“Oh,” said Isabelle. “But, how’d you know she was frozen?”
“Lucky guess,” said Stelas. “Though I could’ve also thought, ‘Check Tzutsi Status’ and the system would’ve told me. Really, I just figured you’d do what you did to my glorious beheaded bodice, since it’s not like you could kill her.”
Isabelle rolled her eyes. How in the hell could Stelas find the time to feel so smug about being a part of the Overlord’s system? He was just a fucking severed head! She stormed forward, heading down and out of the hall.
The party walked up the stairs and stepped out into an ornate bedroom. Tahsi, the last of the party to clear the staircase, pulled a book off a nearby bookshelf. That bookshelf quickly shot over to the left, hiding the entrance to the stairway.
“Wait a second,” said Isabelle. “So the dungeon was accessible by a secret passage behind that bookshelf, right?”
“Yes,” said Tahsi.
“Well, they closed it behind me after they took me there,” said Isabelle.
“Okay,” said Tahsi.
“Sorry, I guess I’m not making my point clearly,” said Isabelle. “It’s just, I’m wondering how exactly you knew where the dungeon was when you ran to come find us?”
“Oh, it was just a hunch,” said Tahsi. “I’ve got ‘hyperobservance,’ it’s my second special ability, it’s pretty cool. I could intuitively tell from clues in the room where they’d taken you.”
“You have a second special ability?” asked Isabelle with incredulous jealousy.
“It’s still pretty new, I only just got it last time I leveled up,” said Tahsi. “Which, funny enough, I actually leveled up while me and Frimri were getting it—”
“Thanks for the information, Tahsi,” said Isabelle.
She wanted to leave then, but Isabelle realized that this was a rich person’s bedroom. There was only one logical action to take, and that was to loot the shit out of it. Isabelle walked over to an ornate nightstand.
[Loot ‘Nightstand’]
Isabelle thought yes.
Inventory: Nightstand
Item
Traits
Gilded Fountain Pen
n/a
Emerald Ring
n/a
Gold (2351)
n/a
Isabelle took it all.
Inventory: Nightstand
Item
Traits
n/a
n/a
What else could Isabelle take? Could she take anything from the bed? She focused on it.
[Loot ‘Duke Sized Bed’?]
Duke sized? That was a new one. It was quite a large bed. Isabelle thought yes.
Inventory: Duke Sized Bed
Item
Traits
Duke Sized Damask Quilt
+45 carry weight
Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.
Duke Sized Forgetful Foam Mattress
+85 carry weight
Duke Sized Gilded Condom
+1 poison
Gold (5)
n/a
God. These fucking rich people. Five gold just laying in bed? Also, the condom? Really? And that was some insane carry weight on the mattress and quilt. Isabelle wasn’t going to crowd out her inventory with it. She looked at the burlap sack in her hand. Isabelle smiled, getting a terribly clever idea.
“Isabelle? What’s going on?” asked Tahsi.
Isabelle shook her head slowly. First, she took everything from the bed inventory.
Inventory: Duke Sized Bed
Item
Traits
n/a
n/a
[Notice: You’re over encumbered. Please check your inventory.]
Isabelle opened her inventory.
Inventory: Isabelle
Carrying capacity: 312.5/227
Item
Traits
Duke Sized Damask Quilt
+45 carry weight
Duke Sized Forgetful Foam Mattress
+85 carry weight
Duke Sized Gilded Condom
+1 poison
Abbreviated list based on prior use. Focus to see more items…
Then, she untied the burlap sack and focused on the top of Stelas’ head.
[Give ‘Duke Sized Damask Quilt,’ ‘Duke Sized Forgetful Foam Mattress,’ and ‘Duke Sized Gilded Condom’ to ‘Stelas Stelford’?]
“Oh my gods,” said Stelas. “Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”
Isabelle thought yes.
[Duke Sized Damask Quilt removed from inventory]
[Duke Sized Forgetful Foam Mattress removed from inventory]
[Duke Sized Gilded Condom removed from inventory]
Isabelle giggled as Stelas groaned. It was time to move on from this room. She walked forward and left out the door.
After the party followed, Isabelle noticed that she was standing right at the top of the second floor of the palace. She could see the winding staircase that led back down to the ground floor.
“You know, this is ridiculous. What a circuitous route!” said Isabelle. She was feeling quite frustrated. “You have to go up to the second floor so that you can go down to the dungeon? What the fuck kind of architecture is that? It’s insanity! Plus, do you guys know they fucking put a sack over my head when they originally led me down to the dungeon? As if I was missing out on some great big secret, when in reality it was just a fucking bedroom?”
“Intimidation tactic,” said Stelas’ head. “Trust the severed head in the burlap sack, I should know.”
Isabelle rolled her eyes. Stelas was just bitter because of all the fresh stuff she’d put in his inventory.
As Isabelle and her party walked down the staircase and entered the absolutely wrecked ground floor of the palace, she noticed a few things. First, there was a terrible bit of draftiness in the room thanks to the huge, dragon-sized hole in the ceiling. Second, the whole room reeked of brimstone mixed with raw oysters, for whatever reason. Third, almost everything in the main room and banquet hall had been reduced to ashes. Almost, except for that awesome warhammer that the Duke’s late wife had threatened to kill her with.
“Tahsi!” said Isabelle. “I thought that the frost dragon had eaten that warhammer!”
“She has a name, Isabelle,” said Tahsi. “And it’s Frimri, if you recall. And yes, she did eat that warmhammer, as well as the shrill kobold that held it. But you know what? Warhammers give her heartburn, and she just coughed it right up.”
Isabelle snorted.
“What’s so funny?” asked Tahsi.
“Warhammers give her heartburn?” asked Isabelle. “That just sounds ridiculous.
“Ridiculous? Does it sound ridiculous, Isabelle? Does it really sound ridiculous to hear that a large metal weapon going down your esophagus and into your stomache could cause some gastrointesinal distress?” asked Tahsi. “Or is it ridiculous to think that it wouldn’t? Which one of those is more ridiculous, Isabelle?”
“Tahsi, gee, take it down a notch,” said Sir Jingles. “She obviously didn’t realize it was a touchy subject. Probably due to her low int, or wis, or char, or something.”
“Yea, you’re right, all of Isabelle’s stats are pretty low in comparison to mine,” said Tahsi.
Isabelle could feel the fury boiling inside her heart like the goo had been boiling in that cauldron that Sir Jingles had been dissolved in.
[Speechcraft attempt: intimidate]
“Lay off, you two, or maybe I’ll fling the Overlord’s cauldron goo on you and melt you like a salted snail,” said Isabelle.
[Speechcraft succeeded]
Tahsi and Sir Jingles shuddered.
“Please don’t,” said Tahsi. “I won’t get to eat my bread if you dissolve me and give my powers to the Overlord. Then, he’ll be the one who can summon my bread. And I don’t even know if he likes my bread!”
“Yea, Tahsi’s right,” said Sir Jingles. “Plus, do you really think that the Overlord deserves to be able to transform himself into a three eyed mega puma? I barely think I deserve to be able to do it, and hell, I can do it! What’s more, I awfully like being able to do it, a lot more than I thought I would originally. Don’t take that joy away from me, Isabelle.”
“Whatever,” said Isabelle. “Say, Tahsi, do you want to take that warhammer?”
“What, me?” said Tahsi. “What could I do with it?”
“You could fight with it,” said Isabelle. “You know, Jingles has his puma thing, even though it only works once a day. And I always fight. But you, Tahsi, despite having a supposedly superior character build to me, never seem to do much fighting. Or much of anything, at all, except talking and eating bread. And, erm, getting friendly with dragons, apparently.”
“Friendly with one dragon!” said Tahsi. “Look, Isabelle, I’ve got what’s called real world experience. What that means is this: I grew up here in Beaubinte. I’m not a player, I’m just a guy that got born here and lived my whole life without a system. That means that all those numbers that rule your life here, they only just started showing up to me. I’m not as used to it. And sometimes, it makes me uncomfortable, and nervous, even with high stats. You know, it’s not my fault I spent years honing my bread craft and accidentally burning myself on the oven stove to the point that I got the ‘hardened hands’ buff that ups my str significantly in mellee combat. It’s not my fault that years of studying yeast and its mysteries improved my int and wis exceptionally, and it’s not my fault that being a talkative, friendly guy who until joining your party used to host dinners and cater to large audiences made me have a really high char score. Sometimes, that’s just life.”
Isabelle didn’t know whether to be disgusted or surprised, so she settled for feeling both at once. Had Tahsi just managed to complain about having high stats? Was he seriously, sincerely upset about having the stats he did? Isabelle was fuming. Clearly, Tahsi wasn’t going to take the damn warhammer. Though, apparently he ought to have been fighting mellee the whole time? What a clusterfuck of a party she was running. Isabelle focused on the warhammer.
[Add ‘Steel Warhammer of Electrocution’ to inventory?]
Ooh, it added electrocution? Now that sounded fun. Isabelle thought yes. Isabelle then opened her inventory, because she wanted to see this warhammer’s stats.
Inventory: Isabelle
Carrying capacity: 193.5/227
Item
Traits
Steel Warhammer of Electrocution (enchanted)
+40 damage, +11 str, +8 const, +5 stm, +11 carry weight
Abbreviated list based on prior use. Focus to see more items…
Fuck yes. Now that was a weapon. Isabelle found herself looking forward to using it, it seemed like it would be quite nifty. She couldn’t believe it, but she was thanking the frost dragon’s heartburn at that moment.
The party walked towards the tall gates of the palace, which were blown open and covered in soot. Isabelle noticed two battered treasure chests laying on the ground, one upside down, one over on its side.
“Where’d these come from?” asked Isabelle.
“Oh!” said Tahsi. “Frimri coughed those things up during her fit of heartburn. When dragons have a bunch of stuff in their stomach it sometimes balls up with their stomach lining which forms into a chest, almost like a cat with a hairball.”
“Hey, that’s offensive,” said Sir Jingles.
“Anyway—” said Tahsi, “It was really a nasty affair. Why do you ask?” “They look like they might have something cool inside,” said Isabelle.
“Yea, that’s what I thought,” said Tahsi. “But they’re both locked. Kind of a shit out of luck situation, there, to be honest.”
Or was it? Isabelle walked up to the chest laying on its side and focused on it.
[Chest - Locked]
Isabelle thought ‘Open.’
[Pick Chest with Bobby Pin?]
Isabelle thought yes.
[Attempting lockpick...]
[...]
[Error: Lockpick failed]
Isabelle groaned.
[Attempt again?]
[Y/N]
Isabelle thought yes.
[Attempting lockpick...]
[...]
[Lockpick succeeded]
[Achievement unlocked: lockpick a treasure chest]
[Lockpick increased to level 2]
Isabelle smiled. She focused on the chest.
[Loot ‘Chest’?]
Isabelle thought yes.
Inventory: Chest
Item
Traits
Potion of Greater Mana x3
+20 mana, +0.5 carry weight
Potion of Greater Health x3
+20 hp, +0.5 carry weight
Potion of Endless Stamina
+0.5 carry weight
Potion of Giant Strength
+155 str, +0.5 carry weight
Isabelle took everything from the chest.
Inventory: Chest
Item
Traits
n/a
n/a
Isabelle walked up to the upside down chest and focused on it.
[Chest - Locked]
Isabelle thought, ‘Open.’
[Pick Chest with Bobby Pin?]
Isabelle thought yes.
[Attempting lockpick...]
[...]
[Lockpick succeeded]
[Achievement unlocked: succeed in a lockpick attempt on the first try]
[Lockpick increased to level 3]
Isabelle focused on the chest.
[Loot ‘Chest’?]
Isabelle thought yes.
Inventory: Chest
Item
Traits
Spell Tome of Intermediate Destroying Magic
+5 carry weight
Spell Tome of Minor Enchanting Magic
+5 carry weight
Spell Tome of Minor Healing Magic
+5 carry weight
Spell Tome of Minor Confusing Magic
+5 carry weight
Woah. Had this dragon eaten a whole group of magic students or something?
“Tahsi—” said Isabelle, “Did your dragon girlfriend eat a whole group of magic students or something?”
Tahsi shrugged. “Ah shit! My character sheet popped up. Hate it when that happens.”
Isabelle rolled her eyes and took everything from the chest.
Inventory: Chest
Item
Traits
n/a
n/a
Isabelle suddenly felt uneasy. Like the air had gone still, or sick, or something.
“Oh my gods! Frimri!” said Tahsi. He ran to the blown open gates and stared out into the township of Cloud Reach.
Isabelle and Sir Jingles ran after him to see what had made Tahsi cry out.
Looking out, Isabelle could see that the sun was slowly rising, and the young frost dragon named Frimri was slowly lowering to the ground a few blocks away. She was snared in some sort of huge net!
“Is that a dragon net?” asked Isabelle.
“Yes. And in this economy? It’s got to be the Overlord,” said Tahsi. “Nobody else would be able to afford something like that.”
Isabelle swallowed air. She had a bad feeling about this.