Chapter 97

A vacation for me wouldn’t even be remotely possible.

I’d love one don’t get me wrong but even disregarding the fact that I’m basically a static entity, I’m still bound by the fact that I need nutrients. Most of which are found exclusively in a forest. Yeah I’d have the lichen mushrooms but those aren’t exactly fully realized yet.

And as perfect as a vacation sounds right about now, I cant just ignore my problems and get drunk. And not just cuz I can’t get drunk anymore, and fuck me if that realization doesn’t sting, I actually need to figure all this emotional garbage out before I just shut down completely.

Its happened before and I’m scared it might happen again. Especially because i don’t exactly have the resources or emotional support to get back up and keep doing shit.

I have to break these things down into manageable pieces, like my therapist recommended. The easy shit first then the hard.

None of this is really easy though. But lets start with the emotional shit first I guess.

I’ve been here nearly two months. And that makes me feel …lost and alone.

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Or should I have said made me feel alone cuz not a day went by before I realized i’m not really alone out here.

I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my mushroom existence and that made me kind of miserable but now something, or someone I suppose, has reached out and has spoken to me.

And while on the one hand I’m not as alone anymore, I think id much rather prefer being alone cuz the first thing it choose to do was threaten me, I mean who does that?!

Then the bastard makes me realize i don’t know my own name. From sad to pissed to just plain ole confused. And no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to remember it.

I need to something to call myself though, if only to keep the asshole from calling me a child or young one. I mean who the fuck does it think it is? Its demeaning to call someone child! I was nearly 27 years old when I died. A full grown adult, thank you very much.

… huh I remember my age but not my name, that blows.

I’m mad about it but I try to come up with a name anyway. All the names that come to me are all so basic though. I mean its not like this is just another nameless project that I can offhandedly assign a funny name to, this is my name.

Its important.

Dwelling on it some … if … if the asshole still doubts my sincerity, having it constantly call me something that’s synonymous for caretaker might get it through its thick metaphorical skull that I actually want to help the forest not harm it.

Anything like that would be more a title than a name. Though… I find I don’t mind much. My true name, whatever it is, could still remain true, I’ll just have a title as well. I can even say I earned it since I actually stopped the fire from decimating the forest.

It admittedly comes from a petty place, not wanting it to forget that the first thing it choose to say to me was basically, “hi please prove you’re Intelligent cuz if you don’t I’ll kill you,” but I like it. It speaks to my spiteful, spiteful heart.

Next time it deigns to communicate with me it can just call me Guardian.

Heh.

Now, finally Jade.

The fuck should I do with them?